For a few seconds, I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. Questioning where to put my hands so I didn’t make a mess of things, my brain started to panic. Oh my god, what if I forgot how to do this? It had been a while, after all. A long while.
Then instinct kicked in.
“Oh my god, Toby.â€ù
“I know.â€ù
Toby stood there, grinning his proud, new daddy grin. My left hand cupped a tiny diapered bottom, while my right held onto the back of a soft, sweet smelling head. I had to close my eyes – just for a second – to drink in as much baby boy as I could. I was in awe.
“Oh man,â€ù I said, finally. “I should get me one of these some day. I just need to find a guy to pay for it.â€ù
Toby laughed, considering his role as the guy who pays for the tiny sleeping wonder, then told me about fatherhood. About crying in the delivery room. About the best sleep ever, kicked back in a recliner with your newborn tucked under your chin.
Toby had been one of my closest guy friends until I was a junior in college. In high school, I used to sneak out of the house and over to his to do Jane Eyre homework and watch Disney movies. Our friendship was a big fat middle finger to Harry (of When Harry Met Sally), because in the five years we were friends, if either of us ever liked each other in that way, I was certainly never aware of it. Still, platonic ties have pitfalls of their own and we eventually lost touch.
Standing beside him at the reunion, his five month old sleeping on my chest, I couldn’t help but feel that I’d been left behind. Toby grew up, married the redhead across the way (he’d been head over heels for her when we were 19), got a mortgage, a 401K and a baby and I was stillâ€_ well, not exactly grown up. Still spending half my income on rent, tripping around Manhattan in wobbly heels and even wobblier relationships, I’m trying to make meaning out of travel guides and champagne flutes and steamy cab rides to absolutely nowhere.
There’s something about a high school reunion that makes you consider your relative situation very, very carefully.
Turns out, it really isn’t at all different from a midtown bar at happy hour. Coasting on small talk, I watched as eyes danced quickly from my face to my left ring finger, sizing up the situation. Twice that night, someone actually grabbed my hand, pointing out the conspicuous lack of jewelry. And then, as I was considering taking Toby’s baby and running, I was finger-checked and asked the question again.
“So how come?â€ù
How come? How does a girl answer that? I considered telling the truth.
Well, because! Because I have unrealistic expectations. Because I really, really like myself just exactly this way. Because when I’m single I’m funny and rambunctious and relaxed. Because love makes me anxious and worried about losing things and having been there just too many times, the idea of loving anyone or anything more than my idiot cat absolutely terrifies me. That’s how come!
Instead, I just smiled, handed off the youngster to his mother, and shrugged.
“Oh, you know.â€ù
How come? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that. It frequently comes from married men who also say, ‘If I were single, I’d love to date you’. yeah… Some of them still want to date me, even though they are married!
I relate to the loved and lost and fear and hope and despair and longing. some day.. maybe it will happen for me, too.
Don’t despair, Heather. You are awesome and some day the right one will find you and appreciate you.
I’ve done the smile & say “oh you know me” before…actually many many times…lol…for some reason everyone I grew up with can’t seem to understand how I’m turning 28 next month & haven’t gotten married…more less my own little sports team running behind me…like I sayâ¦if itâs meant to be then it will happen when Iâm least looking for itâ¦Iâm still not sure if Iâm really âwifeâ materialâ¦Iâve always been and independent type of womanâ¦itâs hard sharing my space & time with a boyfriendâ¦more less a man that is always leaving things aroundâ¦though someday things may changeâ¦
I’ve often wondered if you only get a set number of chances at falling in love with the right person and since I’ve already fallen down the rabbit hole a few times, I’m probably not going to get another chance.
However, these musings are NOT something that I’m going to share with some random person at a reunion, even if we did sneak out together to go see Quiet Riot 20 years ago.
“Oh you know…” works for me unless I’m feeling wicked. In which case, I say “well, after I tried out your husband a few times, I realized that I’m just not willing to settle.”
I don’t get that question, AT ALL.
I probably would have said the same thing you did, not wanting to even give the energy to give a full detailed response.
You rock for being independent, relaxed, and rambunctius. And you damn straight SHOULD really, really like yourself because of that.
I so can relate to the anxious, worried feeling that too often is something I associate with a relationship.
One day the carefree feelings you have while single will be intensified because of who you’re with- not do the opposite.
You deserve it!
sorry about that…I don’t know what happened to my comment…
i should be emailing you this instead, but this question makes me so mad. how about because you have no one to answer to? and you’re not done exploring all the things it’s easier to explore when you’re single? and because you are confident enough to take your time finding your way? and because you won’t settle? and because not everyone has to be married?
Right?! Because I’m NOT DONE!
Though, they mean well. I know they do.
I find marriage statistics broken down by region so very interesting. You enjoy those heels and those relationships, girl!
Just wanted to tell you that your portrait looks beautiful up there. You are stunning.
Yes, yes I do know.
H…here’s a short list of reason’s one of my very close male friends sent me…it’s a list of why I’m not married…it said very positive things about me…like I love to travel…I love to be be rambunctious…I want to be the center of attention…I want to explore my options before settling down…I will not settle…etc…it went on & on…it was a very creative list & thoughtful…I’m blessed to have a few friends that really “get” me…
“Idiot cat?” “Idiot cat??!” Surely you realize that catering to the every whim of a handsome boycat is far more demanding than marriage.
The grass is always greener…I’m married, with the mortgage and 3 beautiful daughters. I them all – except the mortgage…but it’s hard work and you never have a minute to yourself! What I would give to walk in your shoes for a week!!
Fish, you’re at the top of my list of daily reads (sometimes I even check back again later in the day, just to see if there’s anything new) and I have to tell you that I’ve never related more with an entry, than I do today. I’m 28 years old, I’m busy with work and going to school part time, I’m independent and smart, outgoing and beautiful… “So how come?”…because I’m not willing to give up a second of it, until I know, in my core, that he’s the one!
I hate when people feel sorry for me or think that I’m missing out on something; I’m thankful for all that I’ve learned about who I am, what I’ll stand up for, and where my limits are, in the time that they have been stressing about mortgage rates and changing poopy diapers.
Three months ago, I met an amazing man and yeah, he might be the one. He might not be. Either way, I’m still going to be left swimming around in the wake of the relationship, no matter what direction it takes, and I have to make sure that I can keep treading the water regardless.
I don’t care if “they mean well,” grabbing your hand to check for a ring and then asking you to account for why you’re not married yet is incredibly rude and none of their business. Good lord!
Lovely, lovely.
“Oh, you know.”
Perfect. My answer for everything these days.
Oh wow, I so love you. You know, in that platonic-eventually-lose-touch sort of way. You made me tear up a little with this post… I’m having one of those days, a day when I’m contemplating how I’ve been left behind and wondering where I actually am on the map. You nailed it.
I can totally sympathize with you on this one Fish. I hear this from complete strangers, aquaintances and my family. They automatically assume that this 26y/o gal should be out hunting for a husband.
I dread my family reunions because I know that the question of the day will be, “Where’s your other half?” Hah! As if I need one. Puhleeze people, I am my ‘other half’.
It always shows you how ignorant people can be. They let society tell them that they are a nobody if they are not married and having babies. We are the lucky ones. We can be completely content on our own with our lovely cats & dogs to keep us company.
Thank you,Thank you,thank you for summing up exactly how I feel about the reason I am unattached.
****, we’ve only been grown-ups for what, an hour and a half? Marriage doesn’t give you some secret traugh of wisdom or experience. Marriage doesn’t change you. It’s the result of a bunch of smaller changes that have already occurred. If someone can give you the time-line for all changes in your life, then have them come over and teach Sir Hal how to cook dinner and do laundry, because that person is a miracle, a genie, or Jesus.
I can’t believe people would actually say, out loud, “How come?” Hello, rude! I get the same reaction, actually, when people realize that I got married a month out of college, but I find it pretty out of line. It’s all I can do not to say, “None of your business, jerkface!” which is not quite as nice as your breezy, “Oh, you know.” I admire your restraint!
Oh, I don’t know. I think it doesn’t bother me TOO much because at least it means they think I’m marryable!
awesome! I’m going to have to remember your reply the next time I’m asked… and at 35, the question can often be more like “you mean, you’re single and NOT divorced?” Great post.
The Bottom line is that you just haven’t met the right person yet.
I loved my life in NYC. Meeting my friends for sushi at a moments notice. Spending $14 on passion fruit martinis. Kissing new boys. My several (and I mean several) mini 5 week relationships. Being absolutely drunk and having deep meaningful discussions with Arab cabbies. I can go on and on…
For the better part of 28 years I was single. People labeled me as picky.
I started to blame myself. Whats wrong with me? Am I afraid of intimacy? Am I too picky? Am I unrealistic? Maybe I should have given that guy a 4th date? I mean their has got to be something wrong if a pretty 28 year old is still single?
1 month after I turned 28 I found him. He is selfless, deeply kind and wonderful. I love being in his arms. 1 year later we are moving in together and plan to marry. Easy and simple.
I wish my answer to the newly-bare left hand was that short. Thanks for being supportive, helpful, and super fun this weekend. Lets be footloose and fancy free at xmas
.
I think that’s just as rude as people asking married folk why they don’t have kids. “None of your effing business” isn’t always appropriate, so I guess we’ll start using “Oh, you know.”
I got that question a lot last month at my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary party and my answer was pretty darn close to yours —– I happen to like me the way I am and there is nothing “wrong” with me or that — the 3 dress sizes and 2/3 of the hair that’s missing? that’s the result of love
You know, deep down some of your former school friends may be a little jealous that you are still single and are longing for your freedom and independance. I went through the same things at my school reunions here in Australia, with one friend asking if I felt I’d “missed out and been left behind” because I hadn’t had children. Some friend huh? But I know that deep down she’s a little envious that I travelled and lived my life exactly the way I wanted to and finds it hard coming to terms with the fact that my life is how I chose it to be.
Anyway, I’m in my 40′s and have been married for 2 years now because I met the right person at the right time for me.
Everyone does things when the time is right for them. None of us can live to someone else’s timetable. Enjoy yourself…. It aint a dress rehearsal.
Fish, as far as being marryable – well thats exactly what I thought… I mean, you’re totally marryable, and if I went to a reunion and was asked “how come” Id be upset. But if Im being honest, I will admit that I’d be even more upset if no one asked or even wondered.
Hiya. I attended my 20th Reunion in 2004 and I’m proud to say, I’m the last of two still standing single. My 40th was this yr and I bought a beautiful diamond ring(right hand) and I wear it proudly. I’ve been renting my whole life and have no regrets. I take life One Day At A Time and have Faith and confidence, that when the time is right, He Will Come Along. Until then, I live life. I travel. I have family and friends. I moved out to crazy LA less then 5 years ago and started over (finding work, a place to live, etc). At my 20th, when “asked” that darn question, I simply said..”Well, as soon as married men stop coming onto me, I may consider marriage”. I said it all in joking, of course (kinda). Afterall, my Parents celebrated their 50th Wed. Annv. just last Nov. (They took me on a cruise! Hello!?) and I’ve spent the better part of 17yrs working with divorce attorneys. So, I’ve seen a lot of good. And a lot of not-so-good. Be patient. Be grateful. Stay healthy. We’ll both know when the “Man” is right.
When people ask you “How come?” perhaps it is because they’re too scared to ask themselves, “Why did I?” and “Was it the right choice?”.
You’re a smart girl and you are where you are meant to be. Love the single life now because you may only have it for a little bit longer. You’ll have partnered/married life for years and years to come, if that’s what you choose.
Caligirl and Ginny have some gooooood advice.
Oh, I read your blog quite a bit and this one really made me want to respond. I hate that society sends the message that we have to be paired up with someone. I did like the response of “I’m not done yet”. Or you could also say with a smirk and a smile, “I’m pretty happy with MY life the way it is. Aren’t you?” That question could be interpreted in different ways. Let them wonder. I agree that married people probably envy your life. I’ve been married for two years to a wonderful man but sometimes I miss the freedom of being single.
This depresses me vaguely. *sigh* I think it’s probably because I’m graduating this year, and I’m afraid of how everyone will turn out, how everyone’s lives will take different paths at different speeds and with different destinations. It’s pretty scary. To actually get there, then look back at all these people I know now with their own separate lives and such, and… I don’t know. I’m not sure I want to know how everyone turned out, but I’m not sure I don’t.
It’s such a loaded question, isn’t it? I mean, some people are “by choice” singles and some aren’t and there isn’t a society-pleasing way to answer for either.
I admire you for going to the reunion. I guarantee there are others that admire your confidence and your attitude and saying to themselves “I definitely could not have handled that.” But I’m sure you knew that.
By the way, love the updated pic! Who wouldn’t get on bended knee one day for you?
You should ask “How come?” To those who choose marriage and a baby so soon. Seriously- we can all ask each other “Why?” or “How come?” to our differences until we are blue in the face. “Just because!” is my answer!
And you’re totally marryable. But I may as well be unboyfriendable as I can never get to that step…
I got that question for longer than I’d like. I didn’t get engaged until this year, at age 37. And ya know what. It was worth the wait. I wasn’t ready in my 20s. I still had lots of living to do before I would be grown up enough to get married. And I wanted to explore the world a lot more. I’m quite certain that if I had married my college beau or any number of guys who seemed interested, I wouldn’t have made it to London where life has been wonderful, nor meet a guy who is a wonderful match and loves my imperfect self as is.
It’s okay to not have met anyone permanent at 28…it’s okay not be ready to meet that someone. You have lots of life left to live.
When someone asked me that question, I’d just say, “I’m still exploring” and leave them hanging…only one person, my dad, has ever gotten it.
Ah, the dreaded “Why are you still single” question. I’ve gotten that for so long I have a standard reply.
I smile and say, “Because I haven’t found anyone worth ruining my life over, yet.”
Refreshingly honest from another “oh you know” girl.
Wonderful post!
It never ceases to amaze me how intrusive and boorish people can be when the subject of marriage arises. I married my college sweetheart and it lasted exactly two years and I couldn’t be happier. I know exactly what I want/deserve now and also have a renewed appreciation for singlehood.
As someone said here earlier, I think people question singlehood as a way to reaffirm that by giving it up they made the right choice. When will they learn not to validate their decisions by putting down singlehood? It’s not a zero-sum game!
Regardless, Fish: here’s to another beautiful post and to you and all the other “Oh, you know!” girls out there!
This is the answer to the “why aren’t you married” queries. There are actually two to choose from and it will silence people immediately.
1- I didn’t know the last one would be the last one.
2- Because so far the desirable has not been attainable and the attainable has not been desirable.
I hate this question too, but maybe more because I don’t feel like I’m done at all, but I’m at a point where I feel done enough to find someone who I want to do the rest of my exploring with, if that makes sense. I’ve been feeling this a lot more lately (as I get closer to 30), but as people have said, I just haven’t met the right person yet, and I don’t really have control over that. But sometimes I wish I did.
Next time they ask, all you need to say is – “My finace was killed by terrorists. I really don’t like to talk about it.”
That’ll shut ‘em up real quick.
My answer is – “I have a traditional family. I can’t get married until my older sister does.”
I’m currently in a relationship and we keep getting “soooo, when’s the wedding?” or “soooo, when are you two going to have kids?”. It happens all the time and it drives me bonkers!
Maybe we don’t know if we want to get married. Maybe we don’t know if we want to have children. Maybe I don’t know yet if he’s the one.
If I wanted to get married, I could have done it a long time ago. I’m happy being single and still figuring stuff out.
What’s the rush all of a sudden? And why does being married and having kids mean you have it all?
Girl, you sure can write!
Now, here’s the good news – at age 64 no one asks you about anything especially not your martial status.
I tell people I would rather be single than in a relationship that causes me nothing but stress and aggrivation.
Or better yet, you should ask them “How come you don’t have any interests or your own that don’t revolve around your spouse or children”?
Your response should be a question to them – ask them, “Is marriage really all that great?” Cause trust me, it’s not! I’ve been married and divorced and on the way to marriage again and men suck! It’s truly like adding another child. I’d rather worry about the children that I have to worry about than to worry about someone else’s grown child. Yes, my feelings are fresh as I just kicked my fiance out last Friday!
WOW. I’m 36 & single & adore my 2 boy cats (who I agree are more demanding than a man when it comes to caring for them…). I relate SO much with your post & many, many of the comments. I think most people ask that not only b/c they thing we are marryable, but also b/c it’s intimidating or maybe perplexing to them in some capacity that we’re completely OK on our own. Absolute compliment no matter how you slice it, as far as I can see.
Here’s a funny perspective- At about age 35, the mom, mom’s friends, and grandmas will finally quit nagging you or auctioning you off to get married….. Then about a year later, when I was 36, the 70 year-old grandma which got married at 15, looked at me funny and ironically stated at a family dinner,”Trish, I think you’re the smartest of everyone. You’re single, you make your own money, you have your own house, and yet you still find time to help others and have fun.” Funniest moment of my life. Had to leave the room to go have a giggle. And yes…. my mother has tried to arrange dates for me….very fervently in my early 30′s. Don’t put your life on hold waiting to get married. Live it to its fullest. If its supposed to happen, it will. And if it doesn’t happen, who knows, you just might be all the luckier for remaining single.
People are rude. Marriage isn’t all it’s chalked up to be. As a single mother, I’m happy to have finally taken back control over the TV remote!
Except for at 8am when I’m forced to put on Barney.
Every guy that I meet always say,”why aren’t you married?” I started to wonder if they think that I’m so nice and sweet, then why aren’t they dating me and why am I still single. Then I realize I like the way my life is and marriage will come if necessary.
I’ve been out of town and am a few days behind, so I’m catching up…
This hit me hard…made me tear up actually because I’ve been asked that same question five million times (from friends and family!) and it never gets easier to hear or answer. I’ve been to 10 weddings in the last two years – all dear friends – and only three of us are left unmarried…other two are in great relationships though. Myself, on the other hand, can’t get a guy to stick around if I super glued him to my couch! I know I absolutely do NOT want to settle (what’s the point in that?!?) and I want someone who appreciates and respects me fully, but it does get hard being a 26 yr old single woman living alone with her two cats wondering at times “what’s wrong with me?” It’s the little moments I miss most..the how was your day; I miss you; cuddle in bed moments. That’s why we have our cats!
Enjoy the travel, the parties, the last minute plans and great friendships now! He’s out there somewhere Fish – we just have to bump into him!
Well it’s good that you’re living. Not everyone is. I was going to suggest some smart-aleck answer as well but they really aren’t necessary as long as you know where the other person is coming from. On the other hand, a jokey-type answer is a good brush-off and a good exercise (creating a new one for each encounter). Like:
“After the felony conviction, guys just don’t seem as into me.”
Or:
“The aliens took my reproductive organs.”
HOW COME!! Oh if I had a dime.. but seriously, can we all use your reasoning becasue I could not have put it better and I have tried MANY times over!
It’s the same either way, though – people seemed to feel that same freedom to comment (and question) when I was pregnant at 18 (with my still current husband, now ten years on, by the way – as so many people still feel the need to comment retrospectively).
I never did work out how everyone we new seemed to feel entitled to so much detail – I always think too much information about other people is a bit icky : (
I’ve been reading your blog for almost 2 years now (and yes, I’ve gone all the way back and read all of your entries). I loved your writing style and the things you wrote about because it made me feel human. There was someone else out there who “got it.” When I found out you were from Texas, the similarities were even more staggering. So needless to say, I know exactly what you mean about everyone wanting to know why you’re single, and you put it perfectly in the last paragraph. I want a relationship, but I don’t like who I become in them, so for now, I’m in a committed relationship with my Tivo, dog and food
Glad you had fun at the reunion.
It’s crazy reading all the comments from 25 and 26 year olds lamenting why they are not married and what could possibly be wrong with them. You have so much time! I just spent 4.5 years in a relationship with someone before finally coming to the conclusion that marriage just isn’t in the cards for us. My point? This is your time for living, growing up, moving and traveling, realizing what is important in a partner and truly knowing yourself. I am 30 now and kind of freaked out about being single again after such a long relationship, but for the most part it has been wonderful. I am optimistic about being married someday, but am committed to finding someone that really fits. Now that I know who I am and what I value as an adult, I think I am a much better catch than I was back when Mr. Wrong-for-me and I met. PS: A lot of my friends back in Smalltown, USA who married in their early 20′s really regret not having their 20′s to themselves. Just something to think about.
I don’t think there’s any reason to be defensive about not being married, or that people should be upset by that question or think the query impolite. That basically concedes that there is something wrong with being single. But maybe that is just my perspective as a guy.
Five years ago my older sister bet me that I’d be married before she got pregnant. She’s now pregnant with her SECOND child. I’m still single. Sigh…
I love this post! Thank you for being so honest. It’s very comforting.
i am 28 years old and my sister is younger than me by three years. she has everything; the perfect life: fiancee, house, two dogs, no children, middle income family. and then they turn to me, “when do you plan to get married?” i love my life the way it is. i love it and i love the people who support me and love me. i’m rich in that sense and although i occasionally feel the question pressure me, i brush it off. people have their reasons and others shouldn’t be so nosy as to care why…that’s how i feel anyway. my girlfriends and i always have these types of questions and as we near 30…we’re going to be faced with this more frequently. still, i love the way i live…
I am proud of the way you handled that! I am 39 and I get that question ALL THE TIME. Not only is it annoying, it is RUDE. My boyfriend of 3 years who is 42, has not proposed to me either! Nevertheless, I have had a lot of fun in my life, I have 3 degrees, I’ve traveled all over the world, I’ve dated, enjoyed several different careers,.and I can go have sushi after work and sit home on my computer with cucumber melon mask on my face and my hair up and nobody is here to see it!!! The next time someone asks me if I why I am not married, I am going to tell them something obnoxious like, “Oh I’m waiting for them to leagalize same sex marriages in this state!!”
So well said! It’s like you read my mind. I may have to steal your line.
I’m 28 and I almost wish I were single sometimes just so I could hear people ask me that question. It would give me an excuse to hit them.
I guess people don’t ask it so often of men.
Awww.Hug.
Don’t know what to say.So.
HUG.
Stay happy Fish.
Fish,you are incredible!!!
Birth. Smiling. Walking. Talking. School. Periods. Part time job. Kissing. Graduation. Sex. College. Share house. Hobbies. Holiday fling. Full time job. Serious relationship. Serious breakup. Overseas trip. Marriage. Mortgage. Children. Promotion. Divorce. Retirement. Volunteer work. Remarriage. Illness. Grandchildren. Death.
Recipe for life: The first and last are compulsory. Everything in the middle is optional (and occurs in random order). Make of it what you will.
You are wonderful, Fish.
Im 43 – ancient compared to most of you – and never married. My marital status is constantly questioned by others. Seems as if it is more socially acceptable to be divorced 3 times at my age than to be single. Pitiful, really. I have CHOSEN to not marry or have children because falling in love and living happily ever after is absolutely an unachieveable myth. I’d rather be single and diverse in my interests and lifestlye than to end up in marriage counseling after an argument over who should take out the garbage or buy groceries. Contrary to the popular belief, I’m not lonely, in need of sympathy, desperate for love, searching for a sugar daddy, or wanting for a member of the opposite sex to finacially support me or to fulfill my being. I am neither a lesbian nor an old maid – screwing a MAN is a wonderful thing!
So, be proud of yourselves. Don’t cave in to the expectations established by “the norm”. If you do fall head over heels in love and walk down the aisle, make sure you have a solid pre-nup!
Hey, just tell him, `the single life is addictive’:).
Oh I hated that when I was single and child free! Especially after I got married, all and sundry would ask when I was gong to have a baby. Well, I had the baby, the baby is now 10 and giving me a fit because he hates school.
Somebody please kill me…
“Because when I’m single I’m funny and rambunctious and relaxed. Because love makes me anxious and worried about losing things “
*I am anxious and worried about losing things right now…and have been for almost the past three years…
but he is a sweetie
I had a groomsman do this recently at a wedding. We had been flirting and then rather than ask me what my ‘status’ was, as if not having a ring would automatically mean I was single, (although I am single. very single). He grabbed my left hand, stared and then said “Whew. Iâd hate to think I was wasting my time”. I chuckled “Me too” and then I walked away.
It’s like the montage in the final episode of Six Feet Under – when Claire sees the family’s life move towards death. And that beautiful song playing in the background – Breathe Me. That scene makes me catch my breath. There are no rules, it’s over so fast. EAT LIFE!
You reach so many people everyday Fish. And you are extroadinary.
Sasx
there are good things about getting married early in life. there are good things about getting married later in life. there are good things about never getting married. there are probably even good things about getting married mulitple times. the people that got married early wonder if they are missing something as do the people that haven’t got married yet. Probably both ARE missing things. There are good and bad about all possible situations. I think most people have moments of wondering what their life would be like if they were in a different situation then they are.
Seriously. I’m only 21, but this really struck a cord with me. Reunion time is coming up, and indeed my best guy friend has had a baby. He sends me pictures, and I’m just a loss, as I’m still here wanting him to be my date for dances. I’m glad he’s happy though (with the girl he met through me) and I have no doubt in my mind things will happen for me when they’re meant to, but it definitely does make you think. thank you so much for writing this. I needed it. Seriously. I’m only 21, but this really struck a cord with me. Reunion time is coming up, and indeed my best guy friend has had a baby. He sends me pictures, and I’m just a loss, as I’m still here wanting him to be my date for dances. I’m glad he’s happy though (with the girl he met through me) and I have no doubt in my mind things will happen for me when they’re meant to, but it definitely does make you think. thank you so much for writing this. I needed it.
It doesn’t matter if you are married or not! If you don’t feel like a whole person single I doubt if you will if you are married. Marriage comes if and when the time is right. And until then it’s O.K. either way. I am married and have 5 grown children and was always asked why did you have so many children? RUDE! Because I wanted to, damn it! I took care of them, raised them and have 5 great grown kids and 15 grandchildren now. Life is what you chose it to be, and it should be. It’s called freewill! And I have a 32 year old daughter that is not married and have never asked her why! If she wants to she will in her own time. Until then she is enjoying being single. So you all should just except what you have chosen for yourselves and not worry or even think about what others say or do.
Don’t despair. I too had been feeling left behind when hearing of news of former high school classmates. The ones that didn’t have spouses and/or babies were going to Harvard Law School or getting their doctorates or starting political careers. Or some were doing all of the above. Needless to say I was doing none of the above. But in the time after my 10 year reunion, I really worked on what I truly wanted out of life. By the time my 20th high school reunion arrived, I was still single with no children, but had a job I liked, was really happy with who I was and all the fun things I was doing. Many of my “successful” classmates looked like they’d lost their spark–children and stressful careers had them worn out, sometimes disillusioned. Many envied my life, wanting the freedoms that I had. So there is the feeling of loss of not being married or a parent, but there is also a loss in no longer being single.
I”ve been married for 8 years and ther eare times that I wish I’d been single longer. I kind of grew up in my marriage because I was definitely still a kid. I wouldn’t trade my boys for anything, but marriage and motherhood is draining and in the end, you have to make choices that are right for you. It’s better to wait and be sure, than to jump into something and be miserable later on. People need to mind their own business– the other posters are right, they sound jealous of you. I admire your attitude, I really do!!!
I’ve been married for 8 years and there are times that I wish I’d been single longer. I kind of grew up in my marriage because I was definitely still a kid when I met my husband. I wouldn’t trade my boys for anything, but marriage and motherhood is draining and if you are not careful, your identity gets lost along the way because you feel that all you are is a wife and mother. Ultimately, you have to make choices that are right for you. It’s better to wait and be sure, than to jump into something and be miserable later on. People need to mind their own business when they ask youwhy you haven’t married yet– the other posters are right, they sound jealous of you. I admire your attitude, I really do!!!
My answer to that question is one of the following two:
A. “I guess I’m just not that desperate.”
B. “No one likes me.”
Both usually shuts the idiot up who uttered that damn question.
Fish, you go girl. Don’t let social pressure affect you; do exactly what you feel like.
I am male, heterosexual, popular, wildly successful with my career, and well, decently attractive too. To my knowledge there is nothing wrong with my personality as attested by my friends…but because I am so happy with my life, I have not yet married despite a few relationships where I fell madly in love. I wanted to be sure I was ready, rather than risk the falling apart of a bad marriage. I watched many friends go and start their own families: certainly all those whom I had grown up with, and even those several years younger than I am. These friends and of course my relatives always ask me the question. Which can get tiring; worse, which can get one to actually start doubting himself as well! The tough part is few people really understand.
It is comforting to know there are others out there who are by choice, not married yet either. Who think as I do, that there is nothing wrong with wanting to wait to get it just right.
Will you marry me, Zip?
Hee.
I have already turned to 27 and this is the first year I have started asking myself this question…I am regarded as the prettiest and most successful girls in the neighborhood…but still all the girls around except me are married, some even with kids…I also wonder what is wrong, because guys often fall around, but it somehow has never worked so far….and the timing is on…no one can assure me that there are single women who have not faced that terrible dilemma “how come?”…whoever got the right answer???…and please, the married girls do not assure us that being single is in any way better than being married:))..
Hello! I’ve just started visiting ivillage recently…and your blogs only today. I must say…like a lot of others, I’m a fan of your blogs right from the word go
Am 28, single, working and also someone facing the same question everyday…yours is a fantastic take on the question…and I loved the answer
So guess what they’re going to hear me say when they ask the wrong question now
I hate the nosey geeks. I am married, but it is not all it is cracked up to be!!! I am certain that I don’t want any children, and the answer is not “later”, it is “never”. I don’t know what to do to shut them up anymore.
I know the answer to this question for myself.
Because I have not met the right guy so far, a guy who is worth to have me. And I am still not that desperate to marry just any guy. My life is so full. Still there are lot of new things to explore, lot of new people to meet.
I know this question is annoying but I think, getting upset with the question and trying to explaining it to other, means that you are not happy with the situation.
I think if we are happy with our life, we should not even care to answer to others.
Maybe the best answer to people is: âWhy not? What is wrong with being single?â
I know people ask this questions but is it a question or a statement? Personaly it is something “I” would not even bother answering. Anyone with good judment would realize that the question or comment was of bad taste…
the unsaid truth, is perhaps the single best explanation of how i’m feeling right now… It’s just hard for me to explain, really… (n yes u are most definately marriable!)
You. Are. Wonderful:-)
Thankyou, Fish.
Oh, I’ve got the mother of all lists of retorts to that very tired question. Only half of them will fit at a time, so I’ll post in two parts. Ready? OK Here goes:
Comebacks For The Question “Why Aren’t You Married Yet?”
1. You haven’t asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiance is awaiting parole.
9. I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.
Part two coming up…
Comebacks For The Question “Why Aren’t You Married Yet?” – part two:
16. I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can’t trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover’s husband just won’t go for it.
22. I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren’t you thin?
24. I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply … for single moms) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.