Call the caterer. The wedding’s off.
For the past six days or so, I’ve been in an arranged marriage with one of my coworkers. Not that he was aware of it until this morning when I called it off, but seriously, the less men know, the better.
Visa problems have made life one hoop-jumping contest after another for the Coworker and so last week, Brooke, the office do-gooder, emailed me that he’d found a solution. It was all so simple. I would marry the Coworker, end his visa problems and put to rest everyone’s fears about a long, solitary future with rocking chairs and cats.
Brilliant.
The joke took off – though still without the Coworker noticing – and I began trying out my first name with his last name, even answering to it once in the office. All was going swimmingly (I’d be a holiday bride!) until this morning when he announced that his immigration problems were all but cleared up.
“But!â€ù
“â€_â€ù He stood there with a cup of tea in his hand, waiting for me to explain my outburst.
“But we were supposed to get married! I was supposed to be Mrs. Coworker!â€ù
“I’m sorry,â€ù he said, not seeming at all fazed by the imaginary wedding I’d been planning.
Obviously, this is exactly the sort of thing he’s come to expect from me, and just the sort of thing that goes on in this place. Sheer nonsense. Like yesterday when I asked for banjo players at our marketing jamboree (what’s a jamboree without banjos?) and the idea was seriously considered.
“Eh, that’s okay. My mom is going to be so disappointed.â€ù
Not that my mom was aware of the arranged marriage either. Because seriously, the less moms know, the better. Mine probably still thinks “gettin’ jiggy with it’ is some dirty reference to sex. In such cases, it’s best just to let things be.
Just as well. What DOES one get an INS bride?
Love it!!
Aww, and you would have been a Christmas bride!
Your co-worker is a male named Brooke?
(From This Fish: Yup. I think he got beat up a lot as a kid, too.)
I was repeatedly offered $5000 to marry a cook at a restaurant I used to work at. He was totally serious. We’d stay married for three years, and after the “divorce”, he’d be a legal citizen.
I told him I couldn’t marry him because, after three years, what if I fell in love with him? By telling him that the heartbreak would be unbearable, he finally let up, and was able to laugh about how silly the idea had been.
wow, I can imagine he did!
Hm. I can’t seem to help picturing Gerard Depardieu. Maybe I’ve seen Green Card one too many times?
HAHA – i was JUST thinking the same thing! I hope he’s a bit more comely than Gerard Depardieu.
(From This Fish: He’s a bit more Asian than Gerard… and really, it’s not difficult to be more attractive than that guy. Unless oafish Frenchmen are your thing.)
Me thinks you should entertain the idea of dating this fellow if he wasn’t repulsed by your faux wedding. I mean, if you like him and all that.
(From This Fish: Wait, so just because someone isn’t repulsed by my quirks, I should date them? Aw, come on. I’m a little more of a catch than that.)
I think you mean Oafish Frenchman that look like Toucan Sam.
Anyway, back to life-plan Alpha: Hal and Thomas Magnum.
Thomas Magnum. Hom-in-a.
He makes ill-fitting high wasted linen pants and white rimmed mini jogging shorts so freaking hot.
Fish you’re awesome…hahaha….don’t you worry though, I have some about-to-be-deported coworkers I can marry you off to!
I have a few friends that married for citizenship. I’ve been a part of two such weddings.
It’s been sort of a joke but it’s a reality too. You haven’t lived until you’ve stood up in a pseudo-ceremony!
how funny, my Mom actually likes to use the term âgettinâ jiggy with it” =) but then, we were allowed to watch MTV as kids, ooooooo the horror – & oh yes, gotta love that Magnum
I guess $5000 is the going rate for marrying a restaurant co-worker! I was offered the same thing by my boss to marry his favorite busser. I politely declined, being not completely charmed by his pet name for me- “Tetona” (ask a Spanish speaker
And to think, you could have been a Christmas bride. Better luck next time
.
methinks sassy britches was actually just being nice, not mean!
Hmm. I’ve joked about being an INS bride. I mean, I’m Australian, but apparently to some American men, one foreigner is the same as the next.
Darnit. I’m sad your pseudo-wedding isn’t going forth.
Isn’t half the fun of a wedding planning it?
oh but that foreign accent makes even folding laundry sound exotic. Ask him to please rethink.
If he’s English, he probably didn’t get made fun of for his name…it’s not uncommon here!
And even though I have a work permit over here in London, my fiance (British) loves to tease me that I’m just marrying him for the passport! (is it just him or is it that accent that gets me? both I think!)
This is funny because I just had this conversation with a friend a couple days ago! Everyone is on my case about my singleton status, which irks me to NO END, and we decided I should be an INS bride. We had it all planned, right down to the housing sitch (We’re thinking shared duplex, he on his side, me on mine.) and what country he should be from! Sorry that fell through!
Aww, Fish, I didn’t mean that at all. I was just teasing. Besides, you apparently like the guy, I’m thinking he likes you too, would that be so horrible? Or would it interfere with something you have cooking elsewhere?
(From This Fish: Ha! No, no. It’s not like that at ALL! The reason we could tease about me marrying him is because no way ever would it be realistic. He’s at least 10 years older than me and… well, the truth is, I don’t understand one tenth of the things that come out of his mouth. We’d need a translator.)
If employers would simply sponsor their foreign employees without permanent status, there would be no such thing as INS brides… Ah well. I guess breaking the law and risking jail time and huge fines isn’t that big of a deal anymore.
p.s. there’s no more INS it’s all part ofo the department of homeland security now.
So is his accent such an unintelligible gibberish? That is a deal breaker because pillow talk will be a disaster. He has to repeat 10 times before you figure out he is saying “I love you, darling!”.
sorry but what’s an INS bride?
An INS bride is a person who is committing immigration fraud. They’re marrying someone soley for immigration purposes. The “INS groom” is a foreigner who wants US residency (although of course women do it too). They get that residency by marrying someone, either a US citizen or legal permanent resident, who can then file a petition for their immigrant spouse’s legal permanent residency.