Apparently, while I was away, an article about relationship resolutions that I wrote some time ago was published on MSN. From 5 Relationship Resolutions for 2007,
Not all men are self-loathing, egocentric, cheating bastards. In fact, most people have a lot more good to them than bad, and by and large, will live up to the expectations you set for them. Not since junior high have I worried that a friend would hurt or disappoint me. But with men, it’s been a constant fear. I realized that this was all because of expectations. If I did not expect – or even demand – that a man treat me right, he probably wasn’t going to. I’m not talking about princessy stuff here, like buying me dinner or calling by Tuesday if he wants to see me on Saturday. I’m talking about basic good treatment. Like following through with plans. Or being aware of my feelings. Or not leaving his cell phone on another girl’s nightstand and telling me he’d lost it. You know, common consideration. And when common consideration is breached? Next!
You may find it interesting to note that this was originally written over a year ago. So uh, those inclined to shrink me may want to keep that in mind before launching that, “here’s what’s wrong with youâ€ù email. Oh, and that story about the cell phone on another girl’s nightstand? Forthcoming. It also happens to be the head-butting story I promised.
cool
congrats for getting published
Wow, now there’s a teaser.
This is an AWESOME article! I think I’m going to make this my personal anthem, much like your Aimee Mann’s “Wise Up”.
Ooooh I know it’s wrong but I LOVE the headbutting story!
Was that the point in your life when you decided to utilize the head-but over the Ms. Piggy chop? I’m sure it will be an epic tale of heartache and loss…and headbutting. Huzzah!
Are you enjoying the constant groin kick that is return to North American weather after being in a tropical climate?
I LOVE that song. And not even necessarily in a personal mantra way, but in a God-that-woman-can-sing way. I think I’ll have to listen to the Magnolia soundtrack right now!
Cute article. Funny and true. The only part I disagree wholeheartedly with is that friends are rarely hurtful or disappointing. That’s just crazytalk. I’m 27, and I’ve had to let go of two friends in the last two years because of their emotional laziness and self-centered thoughtlessness. Am I afraid that will happen again? I don’t dwell on it, but yeah. People tend to be selfish and cruel. And there is a lot of hurt in the world that doesn’t simply come from the misadventures in dating.
Wow. Bit narcissistic are we? That question mark is sarcastic.
I’d say I can’t believe it took you this long to figure this stuff out, but someone as narcissistic as you isn’t expected to be quick learner.
Word. A friend found the MSN article and sent it to me and I found your blog through it. I have been talking about this article EVERYWHERE.
I know that this is stuff we should already know, that there are plenty of men out there and that we deserve to be treated well (ala, calling to say one can’t make it rather than leaving the birthday girl alone with curled hair and lashes and a party hat wondering where this week’s boyfriend has gone…) (situation hypothetical, of course.)
I don’t know what it is about your article–maybe you put it in real-speak for us–but it “clicked” and I know it has for a number of women that I’ve spoken with about it.
Anyway, a serious muchas gracias to you for this piece.
And no more head-butts, m-kay?
I’ve heard of the blind leading the blind, but never the easy leading the retarded.
I use women like you.
That’s totally rad to bring your blog to more international exposure. Congrats! =)
Those resolutions can work for men too. Although I’m still having a hard time on that first one, NEXT! I was at Steamboat over the weekend with friends and their friends. After a few rounds (okay, many) of drunken UNO game and nearing the bottom of the beer supply, this one girl I just met that evening and we started chatting. My friends had already went to bed. And somehow the topic of our past relationships came up. And what do you know? I almost accidentally unloaded all the feelings and hurt I thought I had squared away on this one girl some time back out. I’ve already started seeing other girls, but I can’t seem to unequivocally tell myself NEXT and move on. Sigh…
And another thing I’m not good at? Not playing it cool. “That’s okay” was a phrase I used in one too many relationships, but I’ve been wising up on that much better now. If only I can address the NEXT attitude.
Congrats again!
I agree with and see the point of your article. As a member of the male contingency-I want you to know that men also get treated just as horribly by females as you allude in your article. I went through my own disaster-debalce with a femme who early in our relationship made some comments about how her brother’s girlfriend called her a “Black Hole” and likened her to “Hitler.” At the time i brushed those comments off, thinking that she just had a major personality clash with that person. However, after a certain time-I realized those statements were massively true and this person lied to me, lied about me, tried to destroy my life, most likely cheated on me, defamed me, took me for granted, used me, emotionally abused me, tried to sabotage my career (both my day gig and creative pursuits). In fact despite every effort I made to have a good relationship with this person and have her be a part of my life, she was nothing more than a nihilistic lout and emotional terrorist. The maniacal truth was a deep sucker punch.
Many congrats on being published again!
Yes, people sometimes suck, especially in dating, but often, friends & dates surprise the hell out of me unexpectedly with kindness & compassion. That’s one thing which really makes me smile.
As always, thanks for a good read.
“I might spend more time by myself than I did in the past. But on the upside, I’ve discovered that I like the company a whole lot more.”
Good Lord! What with this, some of the comments from the ’10 Things I Learned From Relationships With Men’ post, I’m just drop-jawed at how bad some women’s experiences must have been to respond in these ways. Moreover, as a friend and I were discussing just the other day, ‘Do you think men would – generally - offer up a similar bunch of comments (that is, deftly-turned slag-offs) concerning women?’
I’m continually staggered by the endless stories of ‘jerks’. How did we get here? (This from a male.)
Following through with plans is such a big one! My very first boyfriend constantly either canceled or no-showed (including for my birthday dinner!), and it was one heartbreak after another. Years and years later, I’m still angry about it.
Congrats on the article – good stuff. I’m a newcomer to your blog and I have to say, the name is FABULOUS. Well done
Let me be the latest to say, here’s to finding your bicycle!
Good article, Fish! Hope you are still enjoying Costa Rica weather and having a fabulous time!!
good to know I’m not the only one who deals with crisis by eating fudgsicles.
Oh my goodness, I need this right now.
I might email it to my soon-to-be-ex and just get it over with.
Thanks
Thanks so much for writing this. I can’t tell you how much I needed it!
I read the article on MSN entitled 5 Relationship Resolutions for 2007. I loved it. These are the very same things I told my wife before I married her and continue to tell her to this very day. Her children from two previous marriages should come first in her life then herself and finally me. No man, not even I should ever be more important to a woman then her own selfworth and happiness.
Thank you…us women need articles like these. many blessings to you. sincerely, a wiser woman
Hey Fish – With all this great press and new readers visiting your blog it would be a great time to give an update on the fish shirts! Any progress? I can’t wait to buy one!
This is the best article – exactly what I needed to set myself straight for 2007! Thanks for writing it!
Definitely, this kind of decadence become insane. How am I supposed to consider this selfish monster as a human being ? It’s more then a poor fish. The fish able to live without umbrella, without relationship, without family without happiness as well. The best possible âraison dâetreâ is only caviar.
It is so refreshing and comforting to see in print the goals I have set for myself just weeks ago for the new year. I am a 35 year old divorced mother of a 14 year old and wanted some serious change in the new year. Kudos to you Fish for coming these ephiphanies much sooner than I did. Can’t wait to see how our next year goes!!
I found your blog b/c of that article. And as I’m newly single after a 1 1/2 relationship (a good chunk of which was spent long distance), I consider finding your blog very timely in a cosmic universe kinda way.
Love it!
I don’t know, sometimes I need a break from all of this proactive determination. I also get tired of self help relationship articles. Sometimes we’re lazy and put up with crap, sometimes we’re hyper vigilant. That is the true human condition. I do have to say though, sounds like your boundaries were a little sloppy in the past. And the comment about not worrying about friends since junior high? Hogwash. I’ve been sliced and diced many times by friends, male and female. There.
Sounds like you’ve been a little sloppy about choosing your friends.
1. I wish I had known all this at your age. You are a wise woman. Your list of what you learned in relationships inspired me to write my own on my blog, and it was really enlightening for me. It was nice to realize that I actually had learned a few things over the years. So thank you for that.
2. I think I was the one that kept hitting the post button a few days back. I thought something was wrong with my connection. Sorry!
3. How come every time I come here some anonymous commenter is being obnoxious and insulting? Please tell me that’s not the true human condition.
Cheers.
this was a great article! you speak and think similar to the way i do in regards to this topic. my friend is completely stressing over this guy she met (at a bar no less) and i’ve been trying to find the words to empowered her not to be. i think this article might be those words exactly! bookmarked!
Fish, I really like you and your writing but I think you are dead wrong about the friends thing too. You can be friends with somone for years and they can just let you down. Period. People change and sometimes you don’t want to be friends with them anymore. You can find out they aren’t who they thought they were. Do you think every single divorced person is just sloppy? (of course some are…) Saying someone is “sloppy about choosing friends” is a little sanctimonious.
(From This Fish: Check out the comment before that. I was merely tossing some of the sanctimony back. I may have chosen men badly, but I’ve never had a friend who made me doubt our friendship.)
I think most of your resolutions have merit in them, though I suspect you were feeling a wee bit angry when you wrote them. I definitely sympathise with finding a song to articulate it all for you–this past summer it was “Walk Away” by Kelly Clarkson. I played that song over and over again till I felt better, and then played it some more. I do believe both men and women get treated badly in relationships, and I am a 22 year woman. Anyway,looking forward to the next article.
Not usually into New Years Resolutions, but this article snagged me.
A year ago I ended a 20 year relationship (20 years of love, but also emotional and mental abuse). Regardless of the details, I must have come out of that world dillusional. I had this idea that the man who was going to love me and treat me right, and care about my thoughts and feelings-would somehow appear….because that’s what I deserved. When I started dating, I faced a harsh reality. When I didn’t get a call back from someone I was really interested in(who I really believed was interested in me),I started believing I was just defective & deeply insecure. Somehow I screwed it up. I did or said something.
Your article truly helped me to see the obvious. Thank you so much. I think I’ll take up a Salsa dance class, go to a ball game, play poker with my best friend……….
I have printed out your article.Going to nail it to my bedroom wall.
Bravo! As a mental health counselor, I want to applaud you for eloquently putting into words what we try to help our clients realize…respect yourself and expect the person you are involved with to respect you also!
You couldn’t have posted this at a better time. I’m going through a sort of a “break up” and I needed some new resolutions for the next relationship I encounter! Thanks! Hope you are having a great trip!
Boundaries are important. It’s imperative to know what you can and cannot tolerate BEFORE you enter a serious relationship, and not to “settle” or “accept” things later. I learned this from watching my parents’ unhappy marriage. They stayed married because my mom didn’t stand up for herself. When she died last year, we learned she’d been tolerating his 30 yr affair with a much younger woman “to keep the family together.” It’s certainly tearing us apart now.
Fish – I also stumbled upon this blog through the MSN page. Brilliant! I read it to everyone who would listen. I printed it out and put it next to my bed. I read nearly every post you’ve done in the past two years. I’m sure you get this all the time and think, ok crazy, but it’s as if you’ve take the words right out of my head – sometimes literally (I called it breaking up with my hairdresser too). Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving my overthinking brain a voice!
Sincerely,
Your latest loyal fan
Like you, I’ve learned that I can’t make someone else happy nor can they really make me truly happy. Knowing who I am…even if it may as some men put it be “intimidating” when I speak my mind because YES I do have one… was the greatest gift to myself I gave. Sort of finally answered that age old nice girl question of why is that super sweet man with that b**** and not me who would appreciate every little thing he does? Answer – because she has a life and is not revolving around mine.
That article is the very reason I found your blog
Sanctimonious? I was just reflecting on every single person’s experience with friendship that I know. You are fortunate to have not doubted your friendships, blessedly so. But that is not the case with myself, my close friends and many of theirs. As far as the boundaries comment, I don’t know your experiences dating, but sometimes people are just in the wrong situation, until they’re in the right one. I just don’t find it realistic to instantaneously press the “next” ejector button-yes sometimes, but no, not always.
I hear how bad men treat women on a daily basis – not a day goes by that I don’t hear the word ‘Jerk’. Having read your article on MSN – congrats! it has a lot of merit.
But being one of those nice guys who get passed over constantly for the jerks… and who raised 2 baby girls alone..
To all those women out there whoâve been burned – I gotta say.
I DIDN’T DO IT!
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Thank You!
I’m a student therapist (marriage and family) and I read those articles on MSN for amusement from time to time when I check my e-mail. Usually they’re very funny and I have to laugh as I wonder if anyone actually listens to the poor advice that spews from the fingertips of well-meaning, would-be-profound steamrollers/human-carpets. As I read, I often think to myself, “Job security!”
This, however, was actually sound advice! Imagine, having control over how much mistreatment and disrespect you’ll tolerate from someone. Of course you can’t always know how someone is going to treat you from the beginning of a relationship…although most people ignore the HUGE clues slapping them in the face…but you can definitely say “next”.
As of two months ago, I had actually adopted the “get busy” and “lighten up” rules, which interestingly, are the two that are related to only me, not the prospective guy. I NOW need to adopt the other three..basically say how I feel and move the hell on when, after grown up conversation, it’s clear he’s either not getting it or just doesn’t care… NEXT!
At last, we’re getting it! I’ve been divorced several years. The first two years I realized the dating game had changed very much. But, then I also realized that I was also my own best company! This isn’t a reflection on men. It’s a good sense of self-esteem.
Since then, I have said “Next!” to a whole lot of men. Before, I do that though I typically tell them what they did wrong – just so they think twice when the next woman comes along. We women have to stick together and educate these bad apples. There are plenty of good men out there. There’s no need to cater to the one’s that need to be told “no more.” Let them know where they went wrong, and move on. No excuses, no big pity parties, no crocodiles tears, or ranting vents on their part or yours.
Self-loathing, ego-centrism and infidelity are learned behaviors that are reinforced by the behavior of women who enter into relationships with men so afflicted. Cheaters are forgiven. Ego-centrism is overlooked as excessively confident. Dark, brooding men are seen as deep souls that can be changed with the love of a good woman.
What puzzles me is that men who exhibit these traits are easily spottedâ¦they are usually the ones receiving the most attention from the women around them.
Avoiding relationships with the wrong men comes down to one simple word: respect. First, respect yourself. Find value in who you are. Second, respect others. Treat others in the same manner that you expect to be treated. Finally, insist on being respected. Others will treat you only as well as you expect to be treated. Allow others to regard you as something less than you are and they will.
On a final note I must say that I appreciate the abundance of men of low character. Otherwise my relative place among other men would
It’s interesting that the catchword ‘Next!’ is being used here (and rightly so, I should add…and I’m a male) in an entirely different way than it’s being used on many male ‘dating’ sites offering hints and tips on how to have more options, how to get to the ‘sale’ more often. There, ‘Next!’ is the call you’re aspiring to be able to make when the object of your desire just isn’t into you and you should be able to carry on to the next woman.
Fascinating.
Great words of advice. I just got back together with my boyfriend last night. We still have a lot of talking to do. Maybe I’ll print your article and bring it to him tonight.
THanks!
That posting was how I found your blog! Love your postings!
this blog was the way I found out about your blog and I am now addicted. thanks to MSN for introducing me to you.
I loved that article. I came across it on accident right when I needed to hear it. thanks!
I’ve printed this out and posted it on my refrigator! It’s exactly what I need to see every morning for the next 365 days!
okay, so i forwarded the article to my friends in dec., and now all of them are asking me to send them the article, since it has since been deleted off of the msn website. could you send me another link, or tell me where to find the full article again…it really hit home!
Having read the entire article “Relationship Resolutions 2007″ I am curious. Do all women think and feel this way about men (in general)?
Having read the entire article “Relationship Resolutions 2007″ I am curious. Do all women think and feel this way about men (in general)?
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