I catch my reflection in the bathroom mirror and can’t help but grimace.
“Well, doesn’t that just say it all?” I ask, making conversation with the woman who stares back at me.
I draw my fingers down my face where the pale, freckled skin is pulled tight against my cheekbones, then trace the mud-colored half-moons that have formed under my eyes. They say, You haven’t been sleeping. “No shit,” I think, and pat them with cool water from the tap.
Sarah told me she knows when I’m anxious because I chew my bottom lip. I remember this as I lean in closer to the mirror and slide my tongue across the now rough surface of my lip, feeling for the crack I know is there. The tenderness of the pink flesh says, You’ve been worried.
The still-wet hair hanging against my neck says, You snoozed a few too many times. The threadworn yellow sweater, You really need to do some laundry. The fit of my jeans against my hips says, You’ve been using your gym card to open that locked bathroom door, and not much else.
Deciding I don’t much like the direction this conversation is taking, I smooth the sweater over my stomach, pinch some color into my cheeks, and pull my hair into a mess ponytail. Rolling my eyes, the face in the mirror wears a look that says, We’ll talk about this later.
“Gee. Can’t wait.”
HA! You said “ass.” See, that’s why we’re soulmates.
I couldn’t have said it better . . . I feel the exact same way. I was just sitting at my desk, debating about putting two spoons from the office kitchen in the refrigerator to reduce the bags under my own eyes. Don’t you hate it when you’re just tired of yourself?
I just discovered your blog and LOVE it. Would you mind if I listed it on my blog so that others might enjoy it? I don’t promise a lot of others, mind you, but a few….? http://www.gofeands.blogspot.com
So is this the “inner goddess” coming back?
Ah, reflections. Nothing so honest, nor revealing as to the current state of the self, outer and inner.
Good luck with your postponed conversation.
I did the exact same thing yesterday – and forced myself to a yoga class last night. March 1st – almost through the winter slump – time change is next weekend.
At least everyone looks like this right now – except for my two co-workers and good friend who all went to hawaii last week! DAMN!
Thank g-d I’m not the only one feeling this way. Last night I was in a dressing room w/a friend who’s getting married. We were trying on possible bridesmaid dresses. When she said (being size 4) “I need to loose 10 pounds” I wanted to smack her (I’m a size 12). In a friendly way of course. I’m headed to the gym tonight!
I’m hoping that the increase in blogging of late is a sign that work has calmed down a bit and that you’ll be able to sleep a bit more and do all those other things that need to be done.
Beautiful writing.
I know what you mean though, bags under eyes, cracked lips, limp messy hair, and big baggy jumpers.
You give wonderful descriptions when you get in that middle place between anger and happy. I love the fact that you can go a bit deeper when you’re just a little worn around the edges. This is you when your writing is at best – not that your writing is at it’s best when you feel your worst, because it has other qualities at other times.
and of course, your writing is always worth a read, but so many of us feel rough around the edges: that’s where insecurities form. that’s where your humanity shines.
I almost always empathize when you’re sad (bc you own those moments, not me), definitely relate in times like these, and would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear writing like this when you’re in the positive high so I can feel more of that from you.
*Again, your writing is always entertaining and wonderful. Not a complaint but a compliment in its own way (I would hate to compliment you on having a rough day). This is just more insightful in terms of you. imho.
i guess the winter blahs really really do exist, cause about half the people i know could have written this post… i think we all just let stuff get to us more in the dreary cold winter…
thank god its nearly spring and the sun will eventually have to come back out…
Mario Badescu…
Origins under eye gel (put it in the fridge)…
Friday night-Laundry
Saturday and Sunday-The elipticel macchine
Drink lots of water
The spring will be here and bring sunshine…and new possibilities…
Poor Fish. *hugs*
I’ve been reading off and on for months but haven’t commented before. I’ve become a regular recently, and I’ve got to tell you you’ve certainly grown on me. Even when you’re not having the best day, you somehow manage to brighten mine a bit. Hope yours gets better.
oooh, I have to second the Origin under-eye gel. It feels heavenly and totally works.
Been loving your posts and wishing that I had a Goldner.
I totally feel your pain! I got soaked on the way to work this morning and have been walking around all day with what would appear to be a badger pelt stapled to my head. It’s such a lovely feeling to look in the mirror only to find a horrifying looking stranger staring back. Good times…
Oh, Fish, my reflection speaks to me daily. Usually not very kindly! But I’m using my treadmill faithfully these days and it’s funny how every night before bed and every morning I look again hoping to see just a hint of acceptance looking back. This may take awhile, but I’ll check everyday
I think your reflection & my reflection have been chatting & comparing notes. Not sure I like that….?!