I promised table dancing, but when it finally came time for Friday’s Yay! I Got a Job! happy hour, I was fairly psyched just to be sitting upright on my barstool. It’s the lovely kind of tired, but it means fewer drinks, fewer shenanigans and a severely compromised ability to tell an even sort of amusing anecdote. Aside from good hair, I didn’t add much to the evening.
Good thing the Universe stepped in and provided some new and assorted characters to keep things rolling. By the time I found myself doing dangerous pineappley shots at the bar with total strangers once removed, I had all the stories I needed.
Dr. Funk (name totally unchanged because it is too freaking awesome) has got to be one my favorite people I’ve met in the last year. Definitely top 10. He reminds me of J.D. on Scrubs, only not so Braffish. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean. Anyway, by the time the guy had been at our table ten minutes, he’d already firmly established his reputation as a funny man and a pervert (when is necrophilia not hilarious? Never.). Add beer, women’s sunglasses and Flight of the Conchords, and hilarity ensued.
Then we were introduced to an entirely different sort of character.
“My friend is coming,” Dr. Funk announced. “He’s going to have to sit by you. And he’s really hot.”
“I’ll be the judge of that,” I said, dismissing it with a roll of my eyes.
Behind my rolled eyes, though, I quickly engaged my Hot Guy Defense Systems. Because, please, this girl has lived long enough to know that “hot” inevitably means “somewhat dull and lots and lots of trouble.” And as far as trouble goes, I was dead on. This guy was worthy of an emotional portcullis. And chain maille. I mean, it took me most of the evening, but somewhere around midnight it finally hit me. “Oh, that’s who he reminds me of!. Brad Pitt!” See? Danger!
But as for dull, well, boy did I misjudge. Dull boys do not take pictures of their hook-up partners in compromising positions after they’ve fallen asleep during… you know, stuff. Criminally-minded boys do that. His frank admission left me open-mouthed and stunned. I mean, I shudder to think! After all, I’ve dated some pretty shady characters. They hid their dysfunction behind male pattern baldness and lame tattoos and I still fell for it. Imagine if they looked a little more River Runs Through It? God help me, I’d still be putting up with douchebaggery and knocked-up interns.
What? I said I had Hot Guy Defenses. I didn’t say they were impenetrable.
(FYI: The title has absolutely nothing to do with the post; it’s something Jamie’s mother said over brunch. It made me snort pink lemonade which, incidentally, hurts quite a lot.)
I do not think I would have any defenses against someone who reminded me of Brad Pitt. All rational thought would go out the window!
WHAT? Did someone mention Flight of the Conchords?! I wish I was there just so I could gush about Jemaine Clement.
Dr. Funk sounds awesome, and I totally get what you mean by less Braffish.
fish, where do you hang out?! It seems every time I go out in Dallas…ahem, Idle, anyone?… I am surrounded by guys in their early 20s. They’re all fresh out of college. It just ain’t right.
Wait, I think I drank too much green beer because I can’t tell if Brad Pitt penetrated your defenses (ahem) or not. I heart dangerous pineappley shots. My Friday night martini of choice was the Tropical Hawaiian Mist. Vanilla stoli, malibu rum, lemon juice, pineapple juice and a shot of cassis.
Oh, no. He did not. I didn’t mean to be vague!
knocked up interns – damn babe, now I’m snorting lemonade. Or bong water. Either way.
this fish is back!
Celebrate!! I’m glad you got a job and I’m glad you went and celebrated St. Patty’s Day with Brad Pitt’s lookalike! Yumm!
Hmm…I would have gone for Dr. Funk. I love me some JDisms, not to mention that if we married I’d be Mrs. Funk. Hell Yeah!
Oh, amen, Julie. You know how I feel about funny men. Alas, this one did not live here, nor was he born in the 70s. Too young for this girl!
My Hot Guy Defense is on the blink. I was stood up last night the SECOND TIME by a guy I’ve just started seeing. He’s just sent me a text message asking me to give him another chance. And you know what? I’m going to say yes – not because I have low self esteem but because he is HOT. If he was so-so, I would have told him where to go.
PS: Great blog Fish – just discovered it and spreading the word..
Funny post.
Going along with “penis is appropriate”. One of my older married lady friends recently said to me over a glass of wine (in the sweetest southern accent) “Well make sure you don’t date a Dicky Do”. Me, being completely clueless says “What’s a dicky do?” She said “Any man whose stomach hangs lower than his Dicky Do?” I was NO MORE GOOD after that!!
Fish – Thanks for sharing, as always. You rock.
Lala – You gave me my “pink lemonade” moment of the day!
Hilarious! I know what you mean. I let defensive wall go down to Mario Lopez look alikes… Darn the Dimples!!!!!
Lala- That is funny I laughed so hard I don’t think I need to do my crunches tonight!
Fish – I love your blogs…. i’m glad your working, and happy and still putting up your hot guy defenses…lol – write some more soon…
yes lala, i think everyone who reads your comment will have their “pink lemonade moment” lmao!
Well, Brad Pitt lookalike sounds like a real tool -he sounds like a lot of my ex boyfriends and he’s everything that is wrong with men in this world!! He sounds hot too!
Nice post. What exactly are your hot guy defenses…an ability to NOT flirt and sleep with them? I’m just curious, ya’know, cause I’m a dude, and I’m always trying to penetrate said defenses.
Hot guy sounds like a bad boy, and everyone knows women like bad boys. What, it’s better than being tedious, right? Keep us updated on this dude.
Snorting pink lemonade? That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in awhile. And yes, you’re right, it hurts. Been there, done that. No anxious to go back!
Thanks for a non-painful laugh today! And now, I’m off to Bali!
Oh man, who needs to be part of the entertainment when you’re surrounded by such characters!
Here’s to good hair and good story-telling!
I once thought I was safe with a dull guy, but indeed, he was LOTS of trouble.
“They hid their dysfunction behind male pattern baldness and lame tattoos and I still fell for it.”
So funny! Personally, I can add to that list…I knew one who hid his dysfunction behind his suit! He was lots of trouble, too.
Lala,
I’m laughing so hard at Dicky Do. There was actually a Dicky Do repeatedly staring at me in the Vietnamese restaurant I was at last night. His chair was facing mine two tables away. I noticed his “Do” was resting comfortably (I can only assume) on the table. I bet that Do turns into a Dicky Do the moment those clothes come off.
Eww.
I would go to see Dr. Funk simply based on his name alone. I don’t care if he was a prostate expert, this gal would still actively seek him out. I bet it’s hysterical to be in the hospital when he’s called of the intercom: “Paging Dr. Funk. Dr. Funk to the OR.” It sounds like a surgery got boring and they needed to liven it up!
Braffish is a fabulous adjective, BTW.
Fish you’re such a good writer and funny. It’s amazing the things you’re writing pulls out of my memory.
Lola, Kim, Is, Di and anyone else I’m glad to assist with a little comic relief.
This would only be better if every time Dr. Funk walked through a door James Brown screamed “Ow! I feel good!”
Dang – I never meet fun guys like that at bars. There are only creepy metro-sexuals that are prettier than me and can’t hold a convo to save their life. *Jealous*