You know what amuses me? When I walk into the ladies’ room, and there’s a woman in one of the stalls, sitting very, very quietly, obviously pretending that she isn’t attempting to do a Number Two, and waiting for me to hurry about my business so she can go about hers.
Ladies, I’m no expert, but from what I understand, everybody poops. Bathrooms are simply not genteel spaces; they’re designed to take care of the most… indelicate of human functions. There’s a lot of ick that goes on in there. Noises. Smells. But – and maybe I’m lacking in a few refinements, or maybe I’ve just spent too much time in the uncomfortable potty silence – I say, if you gotta go, GO.
Yeah, I might wrinkle my nose in the next stall. But it sure beats all that silly, uncomfortable pretending.
My ex (the infamous J) used to say that one reason girls get so grumpy is that they’re not allowed to pass gas like guys are. I mean, allowed isn’t really the right word, but you know what I mean. It’s not socially acceptable for a girl to climb onto the living room sofa, beer in hand, and let one rip. Guys hive-five over that stuff. Anyway, to even things out a bit, J used to encourage gas-passing. And not needing much encouragement (I love a good belch) I often got a, “Nice out, sister!” But for the record, I never participated in the other kind of gassin’. In my book that’s a whole different level of gauche.
Though, if you want to silently judge me from the other side your computer screens, I do think one of the nicest things about jogging outdoors is the freedom to err, break wind, if the need presents itself. Hell, if anyone ever noticed, I’d just blame it on the nearest golden retriever.
This is so true! I’ve actually seen a guys t-shirt that read “Girls don’t poop.” for sale in a teen clothing store. (Any guy who believes that is in for a rude awakening when his girlfriend moves in!) I agree with you completely, if you have to go just go. You’re not doing your body any favors by holing it in!
Well, Amen and Blessed Be to that! It’s like a holdover from our archetypal Virgin/Lady days as women…like what, we don’t have bodily functions?
Please.
I’m victim to this as much as anyone and I for one say we should stop this right now and just let it out! I mean, there is still a need for courtesy about it – we need not fart into someone’s face or during a meeting, but seriously. Come ON!
Couldnt agree more!
A few weeks ago I was running outdoors with my older sister & after we were finished she turned to me & said “I think I farted with every step we took.”
Classy lady, that sister of mine.
Bwahahahahah! I’m so glad it’s not just me! Joggin’ just brings out the farts.
Yeah the silence is quite awkward. There is nothing wrong with a belch as long as it’s not in a restaurant and doesn’t smell like a day old hoagie!
The problem with flatulence say in an elevator, you never know if someone is going to get on before you vacate. Walking into someone’s nasty-gas is NEVER fun. Ha ha ha
At a previous job, the restroom had at least 6 or 8 stalls with doors nearly to the floor. One day I went in, heard a woman fart loudly, and then she said, “Oh, excuse me” and finished her business. I found it amusing because I would not have recognized her feet, but I did recognize her voice! She could have gotten away with it if she weren’t so darn polite
Oh dear, I confess to being a solitary pooper. I just can’t go when there’s someone else listening. I’d rather wait until I’m alone. Only at work though. Other public places is fine because I don’t care what strangers think. However, now that I have increased my bran intake to Dr. Oz recommended levels, I rarely have this problem as I’m super dooper morning pre-shower regular. I do have to say that I’m not a talking pee-er. If someone wants to talk to me, wait until I’m done my business please!
I too am a private pooper. There’s just something uncomforatble about seeing someone’s feet within inches of yours….. That being said, I love camping and have no problem that the whole camp knows you’re heading out to dig a hole….but they don’t sit in the bush next to you while you’re doing your business. So, I guess it is just a proximity issue for me…
In my house it is considered perfectly appropriate to blame the dogs….even when they are not in the room.
I find that workplace bathroom etiquette is in fact very different from public restroom etiquette. In a public restroom, women routinely do what they have to do and then wait for the next “round” of people to filter through so they can make their exit with no one knowing who it was that stunk the place up. In my office, however, the ladies routinely enter the restroom and lock the main door behind them when they know they’re gonna #2. Not the stall door, mind you, but the Main Restroom Door. So while they’re in there I come along and *SLAM!* hand/face-first into a push-through door that no longer pushes. In this case, I *wish* they’d just sit there in silence behind a locked stall door!
On a side note, I tagged you with a meme today! Check it out at http://onewandering.wordpress.com/2008/04/11/six-word-challenge/!
Yes, It’s soo true!! I have 2 roommates both of which are male who make a sport of letting out various Gases and ocasionally I fall victim to them everyone and a while when I am taking a nap on the couch. But oh my goodness if I ever where to pass gas I would never hear the end of it!!!! I did it once by mistake we were laughing soo loud I let one rip and OMG they made the biggest deal about it!!!
I saw if it got to go then let it go!!
Dude, having someone to blame my farts on was the whole reason I got a dog! Not really, but it’s a definite perk.
Although, I am guilty of the workplace pretending. Aren’t you afraid of having to see the person who just heard/smelled you have major issues because of all that hummus you ate last night? Maybe that’s just me, quite possible.
A male relative of mine remains adamant (in spite of countless experiences that delare otherwise) that “girls just don’t have the fart part” … nor should they. If only he were so lucky!
I’m private about the whole bathroom thing. It’s the only area of my life where I have performance anxiety…I freeze up if someone’s nearby. I know what you mean about the jogging, though…I can’t wait for the weather to get warmer so my inner running cadence can be something other than, “I’m. Not. Gonna. Fart. I’m Not. Gonna. Fart.”
I’m a prude but more power to you for all of the above. Maybe if I was a little more comfortable with myself it would be such a big deal but it is so I’ll be the silent chick in the stall next to you. Just admitting that much made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. (ha)
omg, you are SO right. in fact, if I am aware of someone’s plight I try to hurry up & do my thing so that she can continue in peace. personally, I just hope that no one recognizes my shoes when it’s me.
That’s why I work with kids… so any smells from me could be blamed on any number if munchkins.
I didn’t read the other comments, but this is what is referred to as a Bathroom Standoff.
I always win, but I make the silent pooper uncomfortable and force them out. Do your business or leave.
Ha! 100% true. I am both an offender of this self-consciousness and an enabler of others. If I can tell someone else is waiting for me to leave, I either wash my hands really loudly or book it out of there. It’s not so much, “Oh God, I hope no one knows I poop,” it’s more the fact that I am 8 years old and cannot stop laughing at the word “poop,” the idea of poop, or the sound of poop. I don’t understand it–I outgrew most other immaturities, but poop never fails to make me laugh, and that would turn the situation into something else altogether. I must say, I love bathrooms that turn on loud fans with the lights; courtesy fans, I call them.
Ah, yes. One of my favorite things about my current office is that the bathrooms are two unisex one-seaters. You have all the privacy you want.
On another note, my boyfriend of approximately 8 months heard me fart for the first time last weekend. It was traumatizing… until he high-fived me. Ten MORE points to him!
Hmmm… I really don’t know how to react to this post! I mean, I’m not used to discussing such stuff on a public forum, not that I’m judging you for doing it. Guess we all have those experiences even if we don’t talk about it!
oh god, this is so funny – my coworkers and i were just discussing how distressing it is to be the one who feels like she is line to number two in the bathroom because someone who thinks the three person bathroom is for one whenever she needs to go.
such a silly place, the bathroom.
I am so one of those girls. I am so pee shy.
We have a very loud fan in our bathroom in my apartment so that I can pee and others won’t hear me. Sometimes, I get a little nervous if I have to, um, number 2, so I’ll even turn on the tap to drown out the sound even more.
Neurotic, I know.
LMAO!! I grew up really repressed and was taught that women just didn’t have, do or mention bodily functions. I couldnt even pee in a public bathroom or even my own home if anyone could hear for the longest kinda time. Glad I finally got over that.
That said, the lover of 2 years and I were having really sweaty sex the other night in right in the middle of a screaming orgasm, I let one rip. I didn’t mean to, it just popped out. I was mortified until Lover started laughing and then I started laughing and we rolled around howling for a while and then we went back to the sweaty sex. A milestone in our relationship.
OK, y’all, if you ever experience IBS, you’ll know that when it’s a choice between #2 or death (yeah yeah not really, but it feels that way!), you lose all sense of shame or dignity fast.
Too graphic???
Oh Fish, I love that you love potty humor. Life would be so sad and hollow without it. And gas passing? Well, I’ve learned that if you try to hold it all in, it’ll just come out when you sleep…sometimes when you’re spooning naked with the guy your dating… So you’re right – better to let it out on a jog.
Everyone knows single girls can’t fart – they don’t get an asshole ’til they’re married
Oh i am so guilty of the wait till no one is in the public restroom to finish a #2. I also have the fear that i WILL NOT do a #2 in a public place unless i ABSOLULTLY have to! I do not understand why it is ok for guys to do it..and girls cant. A BR is the place to do these things..yet i feel so embarrassed…lol…what about the “Poofing” sound you make when you sit to pee and a lil poot comes out…haha thats funny to hear in the public bathroom..cant help but chuckle to myself….
Oh my this made my day. I haven’t laughed this hard in a week!
You must be a good driver then. Check out Tina Fey’s hilarious SNL commercial about the pill that allows a period once a year and what happens to its ‘victims’.
I am TOTALLY guilty of doing this. I even have trouble peeing when someone else is in the bathroom. When I worked in an office, if someone walked in…even if I REALLY had to go…I actually would get up, flush (flush nothing – I know, horrible for the environment) , wash my hands and leave, then come back. I think this has an actual medical diagnosis: Psychogenic Urinary Retention. Not kidding. And yet somehow, when in college, I have distinct memories of peeing in bushes late at night with girlfriends. Maybe Long Island Iced Teas = cure for PUR?!
Very True!!!!
Thanks for your post…so very true and humorous. A few years back while attending the best music festival in all of the land, the ACL Festival, in Austin, TX with some girlfriends and after a night of heavy partying, one amiga walked out of the bathroom in our hotel room and said “I think I just did a Number 6″. We still laugh about it to this day. And it’s become our code to possibly stay out of there until the air clears or take some matches with you if you dare enter.
i’m a nurse and i hate to say it…but i get the worst gas at work – you don’t eat for 10 hours between breakfast and lunch and then you finally eat and your body just powers right through it. forget a dog to blame it on – the best is to just blame it on your unresponsive patients!!
Here is why people are solitary poopers–check it out…http://shamelesslysassy.com/
I just can’t go if someone else is around. I need completely privacy. The dog can’t even be there. I avoid public bathrooms for pooping when at all possible.
But sometimes you have no choice. In those instances it’s best just to get it done.
Sometimes it sucks being a girl.
I used to have no qualms about public restrooms and my behavior in them (I mean, my mother raised a polite girl, and I always wash my hands and flush and whatever, but it s a bathroom, right, so let’s be honest about what’s going on in there). But then one day I read someone’s blog post where she was complaining about a woman in her workplace bathroom who was using it for pooping and how absolutely inappropriate and disgusting it was, and ever since I’ve had performance anxiety. I mean, I guess it was really her problem that she had to get over, since we all do it, but it made me quite self-conscious.
That being said, far too many women wait too long to use the bathroom for whatever reason, and this is unhealthy. We should all feel empowered to use it more often (and drink more water too, because, really, it’s probably healthy), as well as to emit whatever gases we need to (preferably as quietly as possible, because there’s nothing worse than a continually-belching co-worker, like the one sitting across from me – excuse me, I have to go throw a shoe at him).
I totally can’t poop at work unless there is no one else in the bathroom. I just freeze up. That said, I burp shamelessly (unless it is totally inappropriate). Farting is another thing though… I don’t like to fart around people. Especially the (Semi) new boyfriend. But the other night I accidently farted, you know the ones that just sneak out? and the boy said (from the other room) “Finally!” He was waiting for the day I farted in front of him apparently…
OMG this is funny. I am 25 and I have two sisters who are a little more, ummm….not so lady-like. It’s a running joke in the family that I am the one who never farts or goes number 2. Also, I have been with my boyfriend since I was FOURTEEN!! And we have lived together since 2003, and he also is in on the joke that I never go #2 or fart. I am always saying girls don’t do that stuff. hehehe Of course we all do, but he doesn’t need to know any of that. But anyway he can’t understand how for all these years I was able to hide it from him. He keeps saying that one day he is going to bust in the bathroom door and catch me! LOL
Running is so wonderful for so many of those reasons! Women are “allowed” to flatulate, spit, and even ‘snot rocket’ (which I still don’t have a knack for) while still being totally accepted. As runners, it’s just a natural thing.
I lost my shame of public pooping when working in an office in the developing world. Everyone (Americans and locals) had stomach issues from time to time, and we all knew who was suffering and when. After a while, everyone discussed their digestive health with everyone else… it’s odd, but incredibly liberating in some ways.
I’ll throw my hat in the pile… I also wait for people to leave the bathroom. I also flush about 35 times to mitigate the smell. I work in a very small (and mostly male) office so there’s really no anonymity about the ladies room. I know everybody does it, but that doesn’t mean we need to share it.
As far as the burping… I feel like I burp more than most people. Maybe I eat too fast? I try to keep them as quiet as I can. I don’t know why, but my husband finds this hysterical. Now every time he burps instead of saying “excuse me” he says “WIFE”. Is romance dead or what?
a friend once told me this about pooping or farting in front of your (man, co-workers, friends, etc..)
Hours of pain, or minutes of shame.
I always opt for the pain.
I have no problem pooping in public restrooms around strangers (at stores, etc). I’m usually in there longer than the others anyway…So, I usually don’t end up interfacing. And that equals no shame. C’mon, though, what I’m doing in my stall is no one’s business..lol. And if someone’s nosing into it, then that’s their problem.
On the other hand, back when I worked in an office building, if I had to poop at work, I’d go to another floor’s bathroom.. usually the lobby bathroom.. It’s just too close for comfort to poop around people I work with.
I recently had to ask my boyfriend if he had a plunger at his house. That took our relationship to all new heights! I was mortified, but it was kind of funny and liberating in some weird way to get that out on the table (–that I actually do poop). Luckily, he’d had a party the night before and said it was probably Cohelt (his friend) who was in there for like 30 mins. Whew
This is so funny and ridiculous! I used to be a ‘waiter’ but now I’m just over the whole situation. And, about burping and farting, not even my mom has heard me do either so I SERIOUSLY doubt that I’m going to let a guy hear them. I just can’t bring myself to do it. My best friend has let me hear (and unfortunately, smell) both of hers and I just can’t bring myself to do that to someone… not even her. I think I was around my my old-fashioned dad and grandma too much when I was little. Blame it on me wanting to be more Scarlet O’Hara and less Cameron Diaz.
LOL, that’s funny, and oh so true!
Why do guys think farts are funny anyway?
Oh yeah, one more thing…There’s a couple of guys in my office who instead of using the bathroom upstairs, they come down to where our office is and use our closest washroom to drop a deuce! I know it’s because the guys bathroom is right next to reception, but why shoudl I have to suffer because you’re embarassed to do teh stinky upstairs?!
why do guys think farts are funny? OK they are, but still, why?
And why do the guys at work insist on dropping a duece in the washroom closest to my office? why shoudl I suffer because you have performance anxiety at the washroom by rception?!?
OH wait a sec, when I was on reception, one guy used to let one rip every time he peed! and he’s kind of a creepy grease ball, so it was body shiveringly gross!
This post is particularly timely as my office neighbor (catty-corner to me at the end of our own little hallway) just got back from a convention and promptly fired up her oil-and-sticks air-freshener big time. I guess it makes sense as I was farting all week while she was gone and probably don’t even notice the stale fart stench.
I have recently been thinking that one of my friends is a very lucky man as his wife knew he was a farter even when they started dating in high school. I can’t imagine any woman now (mid-30s) being disgusted but in a tolerant, amused way. (Unless I looked like Clooney and was Valentino, which I don’t.)
Okay- MY pet peev is when I’m alone in the 8 stall bathroom, I’m doing #2 and someone comes in and going into the stall beside me. No buffer stall? WHY? you LIKE the way it smells? Makes no sense to me. Leave me alone to let me do my dookie.
What also cracks me up is that the guys I work think the concept of “bathroom manners” or “buffer stall” is the dumbest thing they have ever heard of.
The end.
I thought I’d add that my sister is much… earthier than I am sometimes (though I call her and her husband Barbie & Ken behind their backs, but that’s a whole other thing). When she was dating her husband, she’d rip one loudly in the car, roll up the windows, and say, “Love me, love my smell.” Needless to say, it works for them…. Could help that he works with junior highers.
Oh. My. Gosh. I used to have workplace poop anxiety, but I got over it. Unfortunately, I can totally relate to the mortification of whoever said they had to ask their boyfriend for a plunger! Only worse… My boyfriend and I were staying overnight at one of his friend’s house and I HAD to go that morning. I hadn’t even gone #2 at his place yet, so I contemplated leaving to use a public restroom, but we were in a different city and I had no idea where I could escape to. I don’t know what it is about a long night of drinking too much… or maybe whatever I ate the night before, but the number 2 situation was not a good one. When I realized I needed a plunger, I was relieved to find one already in the bathroom… but I STILL couldn’t fix it. After a good thirty minutes of unsuccessfully trying to un-clog the toilet, I had to WAKE HIM UP and ask him to do it for me! The fact that he actually SAW my poop…?!?! I could have died right there. Probably one of the worst days of my life. Extremely hungover AND mortified.
And what about those women that flush constantly to hide the sound of what they’re doing? As if we couldn’t figure that out.
Loved this post (and that it’s getting so many comments).
I’ve been both a waiter and an enabler, rushing out of the bathroom so someone else can feel comfortable. But, agreed…RIDICULOUS. As someone who has had some stomach issues, sometimes I do feel I should spare people…but yeah…it’s a bathroom. Not high tea…
You can run and fart at the same time? Totally impressive.
There do seem to be people who think we should do all our pooping at home. I got SUCH A LOOK from a lady when I came out of the stall that you’d think I’d pooped on the floor or something. Sorry, lady. I eat fiber. It’s a bathroom. Deal with it.
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Hysterical! For those of us who have to be at work by 7am, the bathroom can be a grand dilemma…I find it particularly amusing when people come in, and then immediately turn around and walk out, which is yet another sure sign they are looking for an empty room for their business. Bravo for encouraging positive potty behavior!
Here’s a tip for my fellow shy poo-ers…. wad up a bit of TP and drop it into the toilet before doing the deed for noise reduction
Yes, I’m a little OTT neurotic when it comes to keeping my business private!
I’m with you on most of it. I’m a big belcher but I’m soooo not cool with farting in front of guys or most girls. BUT boy oh boy those few who I am comfortable with SUFFER!!!!! I think everyones better off when it comes to me being uptight about my own farts.
Since someone leaves a can of Lysol in one of the end stalls in our bathrooms, I’m guessing that it’s ok to take care of business as I’m certain most people do
But if someone is waiting for me to get out, I do so ASAP. I just don’t want to have to smell anyone else’s stuff.
On another note…I had a guy friend over for dinner one night. Someone that I’ve been trying to impress for the last year and a half with my cooking (the whole, way to a man’s heart through his stomach thing). Well stupid me, I decided to make Italian sausage with peppers and onions for dinner that night. I’d been holding in a gas attack all night until he hugged me goodbye. He’s a personal trainer and pretty big. When he hugged me really hard and picked me up off the floor, he literally squeezed a fart out of me. It was totally a Sex and the City moment with Carrie and Big. I buried my face in his chest and couldn’t look at him. I was mortified. He laughed and admitted that he’d been holding one in for a long time and was relieved to find out that girls do it too! He promised never to bring it up again but all he would have to do is look at me, and I would know. It brought our friendship to a whole new level.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Within my demented family, conversations like this, and variations thereof, come up quite often…and we are usually laughing like a bunch of hyenas. And I mean, tearing up, jaws hurting, no sound-making, cramp in your throat laughing. And then a fart escapes, which sends us into yet another round of rautious laughter. Saying that…I have come across ONE man I suspect is afraid of ever farting in my presence. My ex hubby and I used to make a sick joke about it. My on again/off again boyfriend of 4 years has no qualms about bodily functions (i.e. going to the bathroom, menstrual ickyness) and the wierdness that tags along with it (reading material, or the lack thereof), and yet he has never made even the tiniest of squeaks. I think he just goes to the bathroom or to “wash his hands” to cover up the fact. Which makes me giggle a bit to myself…tee hee!
Well I have to disagree just a lil bit. It depends on where you are when this happens. Ive actually done that at my work before where i waited for them to leave but that is because i have to look at these people everyday and i dont want to be thought of as the girl who stunk up the bathroom!