My bedroom wall neighbors keep me up with loud, grunty sex all the time, and so last night at 11:00 when I should have been counting sheep, but was instead wide awake and laughing so hard the furniture vibrated, I thought, “Deal with it, suckers.” It was payback.
Ari and I do not talk on the phone very often. Because we hate it. Phone talking, that is, not talking to each other. When we lived across First Avenue from one another, we used to spend hours sitting cross-legged on her chestnut leather couch dishing about everything from cads to coworkers to cramps. Throw in some cheap Chinese from around the corner and those sessions could go for days. Ever since I closed up shop and moved to Dallas, though, those blow-out snark-fests are few and far between.
But last night! Last night was like a raunchy reunion episode of your favorite love-to-hate reality show. Fetishists, the IRS, the company ink, and well, then I think we went back to fetishist, but nothing was off limits. I even filled her in on my new entrepreneurial scheme.
“After talking to Chris yesterday, I decided I should start a business sending dirty emails to people with Blackberries stuck in boring meetings.”
“God, that should be a public service!”
“But if it was a public service, I wouldn’t get paid. And highly-skilled flirtation is not free.”
“Hmmm… does the IRS do audits for free? I guess they do.”
“Take that back! I do not want innuendo connected to the IRS in any way. People would stop ending their sentences with, ‘…if you know what I mean.’ The Universe would collapse on itself.”
Honestly, can you think of a better way to pass an eye-gougingly boring meeting than feeling your PDA vibrate, only to have the message at hand be suggestions of… I don’t know… a good hair-pulling roll in the hay? No, you cannot. Unless the meeting was a hair-pulling roll in the hay. But life is not a Belle and Sebastian song. Unfortunately.
thats a brilliant idea!
I’m so happy you mentioned Belle and Sebastian, I happen to love them, similar to how I love this whole email idea. lol.
Fabulous idea considering the time I spend in meetings with my blackberry. Do you think you could convince a guy to join in the new scheme for the ladies??
Be sure to add IM to that service! Because then they can pretend they are typing up that action item … if you know what I mean.
Misty,
I sure could! And if not, all I’d have to do is TELL you that a guy is sending you the messages. You know, provide you with a picture of a handsome dude and then do the deed myself. Sure, I’ll feel dirty, but who hasn’t felt a little dirty to earn some dough?
You are brilliant! My neighbours wake me at odd hours, mostly early in the morning. I can sleep through sirens and garbage trucks but not the sound of their bed creaking and her having an orgasm. I can only ever hear her and she sounds like a puppy being strangled. The first time my ex heard it, he said “if you made noises like that, I’d be too busy trying to shut you up to enjoy sex.” Ha.
Muy Chistoso! I had the same problem This hotel I was living at, we had an executive level where all the Hotel executives lived. and our Executive of Marketing would always wake me up at 615am on the dot with his noisy sex!!! His wife and him became my alarm clock. I never told him but now I knew why he always said he was a morning person!!!
BTW the flirting text what an awesome idea!!
I would love the blackberry idea, if it weren’t for the fact that half the people in meetings I’m in don’t pay attention b/c they’re too busy checking their blackberries! And then they have no clue what they’re supposed to do/not do. (Maybe there’s already a service for these emails? Nah, more likely it’s that the stuff I talk about is boring..)
since I moved away from my friends, and I hate talking on the phone… Skype (or any other program that allows you to not have to hold a phone and see facial expressions) has been my savior!
By jove I think that’s a great idea for a business haha! Thanks for the laugh with the video this Monday morning. Great way to start the week in an office!
I used to have neighbors above my place that were not only loud, but their bed was squeaky. Not a huge deal though…we’d just start our own party in our bed.