Sometimes, I think the Universe gets a little lackadaisical when it comes to distributing bad luck. Remember our Bible story friend Job? That guy could not catch a break. Meanwhile, there were tons of folks getting off scot-free. It’s like all that power gets overwhelming and It (the Universe) resorts to selection processes common to the playground set.
Ink-a-bink
A bottle of ink
The cork fell out
And YOU stink
I’m no Job. But people, I’ve been stinking for some time now. I’m not complaining (you do that and folks jump ALL over you about hurricanes and cancer and shit. Definitely not going there); I am pretty amused at the number of mishaps I’ve had in the last month or two. See: minor car accident leading to a very brief visit to the ER where I picked up a staff infection IN MY FACE. See also: the trip down my front steps that carved up my heel like a cheese grater. And now this. The Cosmic Playground Bully must have clued into the fact that I’ve been off antibiotics for a couple weeks and found it unacceptable.
The short of it: Monday morning, I shaved my legs. Saturday morning I was in urgent care. The two, stupidly enough, are related.
I’ll be frank: except where swimming or sex is involved, I don’t tend to bother with hair removal above the knees. It’s just a whole lot of terrain to cover and I lack the time and motivation. But on Labor Day there was a fuchsia bikini involved, so I spent some quality time with the Venus Breeze before going to sweat it out poolside. Tuesday, I woke up with pretty fierce razor burn on my inner left thigh, but thought eh, it happens. Only, it didn’t go away. I attributed its staying power to my newly (re)found love of jogging (I signed up to run in the relay at the Whiterock Marathon. Foolish or fantastic? The jury’s still out). But I’m a dedicated fan of Neopsorin and I applied twice daily, figuring it would do what it has always done – make me better! Four days faster than a bandage alone! Oh, silly me. That only works when the Universe is playing it straight.
After work on Friday evening, I napped, ran some errands, and then plopped down on the couch to snuggle with the beast. Sensing an opening, Sir Hal jumped up and began kneading my lap. In a hot second, the poor, surprised cat was flung to the ottoman and I was bent over in pain. Warning: I am about to use the word groin. Don’t worry, I’m as uncomfortable about this as you will be. I pressed my hand to the glands in my… groin; it felt like I was smuggling Tootsie Roll Midgies under my skin. The hell! In the bathroom mirror I saw (to my complete mouth-sweating horror) that a red line was snaking up my thigh to my groin. I hit panic mode. Blood poisoning and death! It was certain!
No lie, I actually made a mental reference of the Little House on the Prairie episode where Ma gets an infection in her leg while Pa is away and all is almost lost, but because Caroline Ingalls is super tough pioneer stock, she saves herself with a knife and some boiling water.
I digress. I also have run long in the story of my travail, so here’s the gist of what I learned from the elderly physician who treated me the next morning. My predicament was not uncommon or surprising. Folliculitis (duh) and an infection in my lymph system. From shaving my legs. Mind you, I am a perfectly hygienic person. I shower. I even use soap!
“It happens,” he said, shrugging. “You’ve got bacteria living on your skin all the time, and it only needs an opportunity – a nick, a cut – to get in.”
“So, I shaved. I got sick.”
“Yes.”
Again, the hell! I took his antibiotic and went home, baffled. When my sister called later that morning, I told her all about my woes. She did not share the good doctor’s nonchalance.
“Heather, people shave their legs EVERY DAY and don’t have to go to the hospital.”
“I know.”
“Wow. You’re really… special.”
“I prefer chosen.”
You just gave me the perfect excuse to never have to shave ever ever again! Sadly, I don’t think that the BF will approve…he’ll probably just put the family practice doctor on speed dial and make sure I have antibiotics readily available.
I’m a faithful reader of The Fish blog, but a rare commenter. Today, though, I had to applaud the Little House On the Prairie reference! More than a few times, I’ve used a scenario from LHOTP as a parallel to personal life events(including the episode where the ‘townies’ blew up Walnut Grove — long story) and been ridiculed mercilessly. You make it look so EASY…
Damn,did you kick the The Cosmic Playground Bully in the nuts or something to get such treatment? Maybe you can do a quick Karmic cleanse to get out of your rut or maybe at least keep out of the ER.
I’m so glad there are other chosen people out there. I once got STREP THROAT on my thighs. I don’t even know how that happened – but it’s every bit as gross as it sounds.
All these years I thought it was
“And you DO stink”.
I’m stinking up the joint this week, too, so I can empathize.
Got 3 stitches in my thumb trying to pry apart 2 frozen hash browns. With a butter knife. I was the hit of the ER.
“You did that with a butter knife”?
I should have charged admission.
Feel better!
This is even more gross…my ex-sister-in-law shaves her bikini area and has had to have SURGERY to remove the ingrown hair coming back in! suffice it to say, she doesn’t shave anymore but has had 2 surgeries and it’s expectant that she’ll have to have more. it gets infected some kind of way and she gets these huge, horrible, boil like things. can’t say that i’ve seen it.
Sometimes I feel so guilty for laughing at your stories of ER tragedies. You’re just so darn funny. Heather, please stop making me feel like a bad person
That does cosmically suck–although I do know how you feel with the baffling and absurd and even scary infections. I’ve had my share of ridiculous (not to mention a weird allergic reaction I had once that made my lips swell up and peel, it felt horrible, not to mention looking like I was either having a bad reaction to a lip job or else some kind of nasty disease).
Also–good to know I’m not the only female in the world that doesn’t think that her legs need to be 100% hairless from hip to ankle. Especially since the hair on the thighs is usually very fine and hardly noticeable. I like to save the full treatment for special occasions.
P.S. it’s a staph infection (with ph)
P.P.S. and, I’ve never heard that playground rhyme before, is it a western thing? I grew up mostly in the South with a short stint in New England, I’m only a few years younger than you, and I can’t say I ever heard it.
“Also–good to know I’m not the only female in the world that doesn’t think that her legs need to be 100% hairless from hip to ankle. Especially since the hair on the thighs is usually very fine and hardly noticeable. I like to save the full treatment for special occasions.” — Roxanne
Amen sister!! I bought an electric leg razor last year and never looked back. Takes me 5 minutes for each ankle/calf/knee and I’m done. I save the manual blade razors for thighs and….other regions when it’s bikini season or special occasions because I also have really fine thigh hair.
Awwww, Fish… sorry to hear! Bizzare huh?!? You’ll be ok soon enough.
*Note:
Always…always…use COLD water when shaving.
(Use warm/hot water to first moisen your skin and area to be shaved, so that your pores open.)
Always use A NEW RAZOR (if disposable). If necessary, disposable razor can be used a few times provided that you only use it on yourself and for that one body part (area). No sharing with the boyfriend! (or girlfriend, if that be the case).
In the bikini area: Always moisen with heat/hot water… with new razor (if possible)…SHAVE SLOWLY.
Rinse when done and PAT dry.
APPLY thin layer of Neosporin.
*Ladies, Neosporin is an antibiotic and if used improperly or in excess, those of us on an oral contraceptive COULD POSSIBLY get pregnant.
OR APPLY solid deodorant, just like you would under your arms. Apply after every shower for 2-3 day after shaving.
For your legs: Moisen w/ warm…shave with cold water…. SHAVE SLOWLY. Immediately apply lotion (from hip to toes, at a minimum!)
I’ve been following this regimen for years and have had great success! I hope it works and/or helps assist you and your readers.
Feel better!
hahaha…well thanks to CaliGirl, you now have your next mishap all laid out for you…a Neosporin baby…with your odds, it’s practically a given.
hahaha…well thanks to CaliGirl, you now have your next mishap all laid out for you…a Neosporin baby…with your odds, it’s practically a given.
Yeah… I can’t even tell you the amount of times that I have completely sliced open my legs trying to shave and fallen over/slipped/stopped paying attention.
I avoid it all now and just wax. Sure it’s painful but so is slicing your leg open… and apparently getting infections in your lymph nodes. At least with waxing you don’t need stitches or antibiotics.
hahaha…well thanks to CaliGirl, you now have your next mishap all laid out for you…a Neosporin baby…with your odds, it’s practically a given.
Ugh. Poor thing. I’ve had my fair share of shaving-related ingrown hairs, staph infections, and armpit boils. It’s a woman’s curse. Because although men shave, you never hear about any of this stuff happening to them, do you? (Or do they just not blog about it?)
Holy Cow! First let me just say that that particular episode of LHOTP scared me TO DEATH – I thought Ma was going to cut her leg off with that knife! Seriously – scarred for life. I still have nightmares.
I am very familiar with ink-a-bink.
Also, I NEVER shave above the knee during cold weather and only about once a week during swimsuit season. I’ve long been considering waxing though, and after your story may really have to seriously do it. The itching is bad enough – I can’t have an infection in my lymph system.
Odd how bad luck keeps re-occuring; I’m currently experiencing it in the unemployment world. Hoping this ends your cycle and you feel better soon. And good luck with your training! No more mom jeans!
Uhh..yeah I actually folliculitis so bad that I had a herpes test done. And got a second opinion. Shave with the grain or not at all!
WOW!! That just sucks big time. Of course, you’re right about bigger disasters in the grand scheme of life; but as far as I’m concerned… this one ranks WAYYYYYYY up there!!
Big hug and good karma coming your way.
May your next shave be free of any misfortune…even ingrown hairs!
P.s. They say bad things come in threes…so guess your quota’s up! Now relax and let the rest of us share in the bad luck
Girl, what happened to the bikini line hot wax on the couch?? Ugh, I never ever shave my thighs. I’ve been thinking about doing my own bikini wax but now I definitely will not go there without professional help. Eep. I hope your troubles are over now.
No wonder you’ve been feeling like Mom Jeans. Sorry, Fish.
The optimistic POV: at least you have medical insurance now!!! and shouldn’t get a million dollar ER bill.
Thanks Heather. I’ve been waiting for the Bible references (no – not Steve Jobs) and now I can rest easy knowing that seminary school has not been in vain. I’ve had one such ingrown follicle on my back and needed it removed. Very painful and emergency room when loofa wouldn’t help. Considered laser hair removal but the lady dermatologist said my back looked good (wouldn’t be considered for top prize of free laser hair removal). BTW – fuchsia is a great color, it’s named after an ancestor from eastern Europe.
I can sympathize with the face staph infection. I had MRSA on my face. and my bum. Did you know if your bum has a really bad infection, and they put the the numbing stuff on before they lance it, the numbing stuff won’t work? That’s right, you can feel them lancing the oozing owie on your bum. You will then be unable to drive, and the nurses will offer you a sucker, because you are crying, because you got your bum lanced. (I realize this is an excessive use of the word bum.) (and I didn’t get the one on my face lanced, because the lancing did NO GOOD!) Ooh…and bonus. Developed an allergy to the antibiotics…when I only had 2 pills left. How’s that for stinking?
OK, let me say this: my dad is in a hospice with melanoma that has spread to his brain. My brother and his family live in Texas, right in the projected path of the hurricane. My kids have Autism. We deal with all of it. Sometimes we grouse about it.
YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO COMPLAIN!!!!! You have had a truly awful week! You were feeling low to begin with! Why should you have to grin and bear it, just because it’s not cancer? Anyone who tells you that is a putz. Don’t listen to them You are human, and sometimes ya just gotta bi**h and moan a bit until you feel better.
And I hope you ARE doing better, my dear! (And staying well away from the hurricane!)
CaliGal,
I don’t think that getting you can get pregnant from using neosporin. In fact, it is a topical ointment and therefore, unless you are eating it, should not affect your bc pills.
Fish -
First off, I’m glad you’re okay – or at least on the mend…
My story -
I have a girl-friend who had surgery to remove an “internal” cyst and within 10 days, her belly-button ring-hole closed up. She then got a boil on her bottom, went to the doctor and they gave her antibiotics. 10 days later, she gets another boil on her bottom. She goes to the Emergency room this time and they tell her she has / had MRSA. 20 days later, her kids started getting it…all 4 of them…what a nightmare.
All things are well with her and her family now, but doesn’t it seem odd that there are SOOO many of these fungus / infections going around recently? Maybe it’s a ploy from the Neosporin manufacturers to increase sales?!
I had that SAME THING HAPPEN! Only my doctor said it was stress related. I was like, “Stress can cause your skin to react to shaving?” And my doctor said, “Well, not usually, but in your case, yes.”
WTF?
I had a friend who almost lost a toe to an infection from a pedicure. Being a girl is dangerous. That must be why it was men who took on the beasts…
I feel your pain! I once got a staph infection from shaving my armpits. The best part was when the doc told me not to shave or use deodorant on that side for like 2 weeks… in August.
At least you didn’t succumb to certain blood poisoning and death! But wow. Really!?
Twice last year, I had two ten day periods when everything went wrong (ok, maybe not everything – see hurricane, cancer comment). I was in 4 fenderbenders(never been in an accident before or since), found out some pretty sobering news about a couple different people in my life, and a whole bunch of other little things like delayed flights etc. I don’t know what it is… some days, though, you obviously know.
you always make me smile. Thanks.
crappy few weeks…
without wanting to freak you out, have you talked to your doctor about whether your immune system is working properly? we all carry these bugs all the time, and usually don’t get infections from them.
like – you might be just run down, or need your blood sugar checked.
Dayum you’re funny
“I prefer chosen.”
rofl
Utterly charming, that is you my dear. I truly do hope you find the ying to your yang. Now how about an article starting with those euphemisms?
All I have to say is: LASER HAIR REMOVAL. The best money I have ever spent.
Good Luck. Things will surely turn around for you soon!
I’m 58 years old, and I still bear the scar of my first shaving debacle—sliced my shin entirely open. These girl rituals are dangerous stuff.
girl…i love your blogging! thanks for putting a smile…
OMG. Seriously? We could be related, because weird stuff like that happens to me on a regular basis. I laughed when I read this and then felt bad because I KNOW THE FEELING.
Here’s MY story for you. I’m 29, and – perhaps you’ve noticed yourself? – as we age, a hair or two will pop up in the darnedest places. For me? I’ve noticed that I will get the occasional lone ranger hair on a breast! WTF?!?
Long story short: I got an ingrown hair on one of “the girls” and it hurt like hell. Somehow – with much neck strain – I managed to perform self-surgery and extricate it (don’t ask) and use some good ole betadine/neosporin on the wound left behind.
The kicker? This happened when I was visiting my parents house and the only bandaids I could find in our downstairs bathroom were made to look like strips of bacon. They had been a gag gift to my bro the Christmas before. So. I had a bacon bandaid on. my. bresst. I laughed so hard I started crying and FINALLY went upstairs to ask my mom if she had any other bandages. I had to confess the whole thing and she laughed her arse off as well.
What doesn’t kill ya only makes ya stronger. I hope you feel better soon!