What’s your favorite word for [the male genitalia]?
Obviously he didn’t phrase it so politely. Let’s fill in the brackets, shall we? In our very first conversation, Tanner, a sports announcer and a man who by all indications had designs on dating me, asked what my favorite word for penis was. And he used the see-oh-see-kay word. On a first date. With a stranger. My response? A whole lot of blinking. I mean, you have to be famous to get Punk’d, and Totally Hidden Video was a family show (no dirty c-words there), so what the hell was going on? Rushing to his own defense, Tanner explained that the line was from a Maxim quiz, which I can only guess was created to determine my level of “coolness” and “dateability.” And all my blinking had just relegated me to the category of Undateable Prude. I wanted to roll up that magazine and give him a good hard smack in the nuts.
Who talks to girls like that? And prudish, I’m not. I can be pretty irreverent. Okay, crass. I can be really, really crass. On more than one inappropriate occasion I have used the see-oh-see-kay word without hesitation or apology. But, dammit, not with a fella I wanted to date!
At least, not until he’d bought me dinner.
I have to know if you actually answered the question…
I think “sports announcer” was your first tip-off.
(“Maxim” was your second, but then again, it came after the faux pas.)
I recently went on a first date with a guy who made fun of the last woman he dated for talking to her cats.
Me: You should know I have two cats.
Him: Do you talk to them?
Me: Uh, YEAH.
Wow, Dallas is such a small world. I met Tanner about two years ago on Match.com and he used the same line of questioning. He also gave me the quiz supposedly from Maxim and yes, his favorite name for the penis is a synonym for rooster. We talked on the phone a couple of times and before I knew it, he wanted to engage in dirty talk while he was in a hotel room in Oregon. When I wasn’t obliging, I didn’t hear from him anymore. I thought the least he could do was buy me a cup of coffee. I also figured he was married or something because when I followed up on some supposed mutual connections – no one seemed to know him by the name he gave. That’s just fine. I always thought Tanner sounded like a dog name anyway!
Holy ****. I LOVE IT. What an effing freak!
Erg…don’t you wish this was an isolated incident? But it’s more like pandemic. Thanks to oversharing from married women, as a young girl I was schooled that men wanted a ‘lady in the parlor and something else altogether in the bedroom’. But I think that’s changed so much. Now they just want whores, at any price, and society says women are to blame. It’s all so discouraging.
I think that the quiz rendered him undateable. Thanks Maxim!
It’s not first date talk. It’s contrived. And, most importantly, who wants to date someone that takes advice from Maxim, or that even reads Maxim? Shouldn’t he be relying on HIS ability and awareness to derive what your “coolness” and “dateability” is?
I want to know if he asked you out on a second date and if so, what was your response?
Maxim doesn’t turn you into a douchebag. This guy was born to it with years and years invested in the art of douchebaggery. Look, sometimes it’s hard to come up with topics for conversation when you’re nervous but come on! you couldn’t go for the tamer “what’s your favorite color” or “if you could be any kind of animal, what would it be and why” walton family christmas first date schtick? and yes, anyone who takes dating tips from Maxim is looking for a straight. up. whore. and i wish this douchebag and whoever his future ex-wife all the happiness they deserve. douchebag and whore, kind of like turner and hooch- just not as funny. i apologize on behalf of men for another jackass representative.
I hope you told Neil Strauss, I mean Tanner, to go to h-e- double hockey sticks.
I hope you looked him straight in the eye and said “ding dong” and by the way, you are one!
OMG.. I mean wow! and I thought the guy who referred to his cologne as squirrel juice was a loser!.. (yes, this really happened… and he now works in my building… ) this man clearly doesn’t really want to date women… I’m thinking that he is looking for an excuse to not like them at all…
I love the clever spelling of see-oh-see-kay.
I agree, if a guy says that to me and no less on the first date, I don’t care what Maxim mag told him to say it, it’s not cool.
Seriously? I think if that’s a first date question, then I would be okay with being in the “undateable prude” category.
I also likes that he tries to defend himself by saying he took the advice from a magazine…I thought only 16 year old girls did that…
I’m with Mrs. Greg House – that question put him totally in the undateable category. And, Tanner actually *is* my dog’s name, so it seems to be an appropriate one for him (the dog!).
1961 cuda, squirrel juice??? hahahaha, that’s fricking hilarious in a totally inappropriate way, of course. that’s more of a joke between guys. he must have been from the south…
I had a first date where i had a hyperactive little dude ask me to “watch my (other word for doodoo starting with a sh) while I go take a pi$$.” Then he said it was okay if I needed to use his keyring CPR mask if someone in the restaurant was choking. I too met him through match.com, but four weeks later as I was praying for my subscription to end I got a message from the man that I am keeping. Forever. Love is a everyday miracle: happens everyday to other people but it’s a miracle when it happens to you! Don’t give up Fish! Love your blog lots.
see-oh-see-kay….have to agree…smart way
favorite word for see-oh-see-kay?
“hmmmm…guess i’d have to say tanner”
dating. worse than marriage.
love your blog.
txsjewels
I will see your “synonym for rooster” and raise you a “is very happy to be near you” end to the sentence. And yes, on a first date.
Men are crazy, and dating sucks.
LMAO…sounds like a real catch, oh please, please share him! I would have just made him cry.
Love your blog! :}
AH – the awesomness of dating. I hate it. I once had a guy ask me how I felt about the “other way to call a cat a kitten” word during a first conversation… That was the last conversation we had. Douchebag.
You say “Tanner”, i think “Danny” and picture Bob Saget. That alone would be a deal breaker. I believe the appropriate response to that question is “How ’bout those [insert sports team here]“. This is why I always used to drive myself to first dates… best to always have an exit strategy.
Wow. Some men really make it hard to continue on in the dating world. I was dating this one guy a few years ago… on our second or third date he asked me what I would do if I accidentally got pregnant! And we hadn’t even done the deed yet! Needless to say, our relationship was very short lived.
Uuugggghhhhhhhhh! I’m so irritated right now! What a smug attitude! Whata bas*&$… I can’t believe this *&#@!!!! Guys like him make me want to…*$%@!!! Ahgrrrrrr! And obviously……based on some of what I’m reading here, this isn’t this jerk’s first time using that God-awful line!! (Seriously Dude!!! WTF are/were you thinking!!!!)
Sigh.
RUN, FISH, RUN! Run fast… run hard… just get out of there!!!!
(Such talk between a COUPLE is one thing… but this jerk just met you! Like you said… dinner hasn’t even been served yet!)
OMG – I was just talking to my guy friend about this. Clearly, one of my biggest pet peeves! Don’t feel bad…you are not alone! At least, on the first date, he didn’t ask you your nipple size (which was downgraded to sizes of coins).
First of all, I agree the guy sounds like an idiot and a complete waste of time. Also, bad first date question (and defending your lack of taste by saying you are simply parroting back something you read in a magazine — how very classy!)
However, I do have to say (and let me preface this by saying that I am a woman) — the “see” words are the only words I personally don’t find completely aurally-offensive — for both the male _and_ female good bits. And since the female “see” word is so (unfairly) demonized by so many women (and even a fair number of men, I’ve discovered) I will admit to having had some noun preference discussions with nearly everyone I’ve been involved with enough to ever have those particular nouns crop up in conversation…though certainly not as casual getting-to-know-you conversation on a first date!
And I thought the guy who insulted my job (social worker) and the people I work with(“it must be nice to live in government subsidized housing and live off my tax dollars.”) all the while talking himself up and saying exactly how much he made and that it was far less that what he was worth was bad. He also insulted people with disabilities, old people…you name it. I was so uncomfortable. But that would have been worse.
i know some guys who won’t sleep with a woman until they know her stance on abortion and morning after pill. they’re paranoid about owing child support from a birth control failure. so that might explain that point. i’ve always thought it a bit of a delicate thing to bring up in the beginning of a relationship, but i do understand the reasons. apart from condoms(which statistically aren’t great, and admittedly have some physical drawbacks) guys don’t have a lot of control over birth control.
i’m flabbergasted about April dating the same guy(using the same line for TWO YEARS?!) and that his name might be a lie!! people are astonishing.
How about having a guy shove his tongue in your mouth the first time you meet him after getting to know each other through phone conversations? I will NEVER internet date again.
Junk.
Mine’s ‘junk’
Because it’s Funny. Capital F.
Any guy named Tanner (like McGyver or Dan Tanna) ought to be relegated to TV land and stay there. A Maxim reference? Yeah, right.
What is wrong with these guys? Is it really so impossible to think we can still act like ladies and gentlemen?
LMAO. I was having a very blaahhh day until I read this blog and all of its comments. Thank everyone so much for the laugh. The people in my office now think that I am crazy. I am single, but have not gone on a date in years. Now, I truly have confirmation that I’m not missing out on anything and things haven’t really changed. They’ve just gotten a whole lot funnier. Fish, I hope you have better luck on your next date and thanks again for sharing.
LMAO. I was having a very blaahhh day until I read this blog and all of its comments. Thank everyone so much for the laugh. The people in my office now think that I am crazy. I am single, but have not gone on a date in years. Now, I truly have confirmation that I’m not missing out on anything and things haven’t really changed. They’ve just gotten a whole lot funnier. Fish, I hope you have better luck on your next date and thanks again for sharing.
I have redish/blonde hair and I once had a guy I was on a first date with ask me if my hair was red “down there” . After alot of blinking as well, I told him he was never going to know, excused myself to go to the ladies and I went out a side door and left him sitting there alone.
Total Douchebag!
You should’ve asked him what his favorite synonym for “asswipe” was.
oh, ho! heather above, i am ditto a redhead, and have ditto been asked (on multiple occasions no less!!!) about “the carpet matching the drapes.” which of course always gets, “if you feel the need to ask, you’ll never know.”
and furthermore on inappropriate first-date shenanigans: a guy once went for the gusto and felt the need to randomly grab a hold of one of my boobs. nothing subtle, nothing “oh, tee hee, i just slipped there,” just straight-up copped a feel. sure, bonus points for honesty and sheer brass, but still, an emphatic no. when i promptly disengaged his hand and reminded him that these didn’t belong to him, he said, “oh, what, are you frigid or something?”
“no, moron, you’re just doing it wrong.”
See-oh-see-kay. Why did that take me so long to figure out? Ha.
There are certain words that I think should be left out of first date conversations. Exes, genitalia and anything to do with vomit are right up there. I guess not everyone subscribes to that philosophy.
To be sung to the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ at a Tanner announced event:
Oh see oh see kay, by Dawns early light
What so proudly he failed, that Tanner’s last gleaming
Whose brought crest strips whitening teeth,
To the breath that does stink
Or the Rams that we watch
On Monday Night Football
When his red necks red glare
Tanner bombed on the air
Gave truth to Heather
That the Alamo still stands
Oh See does that spar angle
Tanner off the air waves
Or the dating of the free
And the home of the Atlanta Braves
Heather – thats girl power at it’s finest! I wish I had the guts to walk out….
You are my hero. You made me laugh on this horrible of horrible days (I think I broke up with the man I’ve been ‘dating,’ hrmm, ‘sleeping with,’ for three months)
That is all.
Aw, I’m sorry. That is no fun at all. I’m glad you got a giggle, but I think probably also, you need a drink and pedicure.
All that notwithstanding, what IS your favorite word for [it]?
Make sure to file this one under “Giant Overreactions”. Seriously, you girls are acting like he clubbed a baby seal with a puppy.
Yes, of course the guy was a douchebag. No, he isn’t cool enough for Fish to see ever again. But as I read these comments, it seems that if he would have at least waited till the 2nd date, we wouldn’t even be discussing this at all. But the poor douchebag asks a funny question a little too early, and he’s the worst character ever, and proof that Dallas sucks as a place to meet guys. Your manufactured (I hope) righteous indignation is nauseating.
Fish, I know you, and I know you can’t possibly have been that offended by this. Seriously, was this just a ploy to bring out every hyper-critical man-hating koo-koo bird that reads the site?
“John”
Can I assume your comment was just a ploy to incite them more? I never said I was offended. Put off? Surprised? Yes. It was a first date. He didn’t know a thing about me and thus, a little cautious respect was in order. Further, if you “know” me as you say you do, you wouldn’t have to ask. Oh, and try not confuse the attitude of the author with that of the commenter. Might help with the nausea.
Holy crap! You have got to be ****tin’ me! Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I can’t imagine in what universe that question would be appropriate on a first date… or even a third date… well maybe for a little post coital pillow talk… but seriously, as a ‘get to know you’ question? Why not ask what position you prefer of if you effin swallow while he’s at it?!
It’s not prudish to expect that a man give a modicum of respect. In my opinion (and I’m a guy) he showed a TOTAL lack of respect for you as anything other that a potential lay. I concur with your assessment, and would add that guys like him are not worth your time unless you are just looking for a quick roll in the hay (and probably not even then) The sad part is that that line has probably landed him in the sack more than once or he would not still be using it. Not to worry, however, there are plenty of bikes in the sea.
Obviously the cock guy has NO class. I tried match.com 4 years ago and meet 5 guys. Many of the guys were looking for sex and someone to take care of him financially. Most of them were divorced, paying child support and complained about paying their child support. I’m divorced and collect child support. Number 5 is my lucky number and we have been together for almost 5 years. Ken is divorced, paid child support (never complained about it), works, involved in his son’s life, pays his own bills, and totally respects me as a working woman. Oh yeah, one of the guys I meet was so sweet and nice. I saw him on Yahoo IM and sent him an email. The ID picture for him was a picture of his cock. He apologized and changed his picture right away. I typed before forever signing off “Different Strokes for Different Folks. I hope you enjoy your fantasy cyper sex! I’m history!”
Crosses “ask what her favorite name is for Mr. Winkie” off his list.
I’ve always though I had good luck dating, save for the fellow whose first words to me (this was his pick-up line) were, “What do you use for birth control?” I said, “Your personality,” then walked past to rejoin my friends. I’d *like* to think I’d never end up on a date with someone who reads Maxim, but I guess someone might pick up Maxim on the way home from meeting me for tips on what to say on a date. Blurgh; this one’s so awful, I’m sure I’d burst out laughing and trying to cough out, “You’re not SERIOUS, are you?!” I’m afraid I’d also ask whether he’s sure he’s ever been on a date before, because sometimes I simply can’t help myself. This is absolutely NOT first-date talk, but rather pillow talk, after-sex talk, or maybe even on-the-way-home-to-have-sex talk (though I’d recommend the girl ask the question so she can use the answer).
If Maxim is handing out info like this, then woe be to the men reading it! They’re going to be ruining dating as we chicks know it, BUT THE MEN READING IT WON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG!
(Great! And that “Pickup Artist,” Mystery, that fool, will be raking in the big bucks trying to “fix” all the damage. Just great!)
Um Ladies, Should I dare say that at least ALL you got was the Penis talk. This effer actually ‘took care of business’ on my first date and it started at the coffee shop (Based out of Seattle) On Knox Street in Dallas. I honestly thought he was readjusting. Umm nope- we agreed to see a movie and and stupid me agreed to see a movie. we get in his car (It was a rental no less) and before you know it, he is have a “mass exodus” and I was doing the same… OUT THE DOOR!
To make matters even more shady, the cell number he used was a pre-paid number, the Car rental was under a company name with NO way of finding the driver, and apparently the Company listed HAS no Tanner- so so much for filing a report.
IF YOU Ladies run into him- Ask for his ID so you get his real name, I’m sure he’ll get off on that as well.