For the last year and a half – or more, I’m losing track – the Dork Lord has been getting text messages and phone calls from a girl he used to know. Like, in the Biblical sense. The messages always come on the weekend, somewhere around 2AM, and they always go unanswered. In fact, the Boy usually hands me the phone so I can see just WHO has woken us from those special, special hours of sleep wherein we gear up for another exciting round of Who Gets to Clean up after the Geriatric Dog?
Months of these unanswered, desperately flung texts could make a girl wonder why anyone of her sex would continue to send unrequited booty calls for eighteen months (that’s totally a dude thing to do), but also, they could make a girl really, really annoyed.
The first time it happened, the Boy’s phone was in my purse. We do that. Share phones. Leave them out. Answer whichever one rings. Know each other’s passwords. It’s like peeing with the door open – it might not preserve any sort of relationship mystery but it sure saves pretense and time. Now, having the same phones meant that, when drunk and exhausted from a couple hours of pool volleyball, I grabbed the wrong cellular device from my handbag that night and wanted to know, “Who the eff is Natalie and why is she hello strangering me?”
It quickly went from there to tears. Remember, I was drunk. And not on logic.
Anyway, she’s kept it up over the year and months since, and the Boy’s policy is simply to ignore, ignore, ignore. He’s chronically non-confrontational. Unless it concerns me and the pile of shoes that collects by our front door. Or how many towels I need. Ahem. We made her a household joke until… well, until Friday night when I’d had just. about. enough, borrowed her contact information and suggested none too politely that she might want to stop propositioning my fiance.
“Relax,” came the reply.
Hoooo boy! As the Dork Lord can attest, suggesting that, in a time of emotional turmoil, I should relax produces anything but the desired outcome. Relax. It’s so dismissive and insulting. I’m pissed and I deserve to be! So that’s when I suggested, also impolitely, that she invest in a… personal satisfaction device and a pack of batteries save everyone the trouble.
I know. Crass.
The actual wording of the messages had me laughing until my sides hurt. Not because being mean to strangers is funny (heh), but because really, it’s not every day that you get to play the crazy, “Imma cut you” fiancee. No, I didn’t actually threaten to cut anyone. My threats were a little more vague and reminiscent of that waterfall scene in Last of the Mohicans. Minus the affection.
But then when I was done laughing, I felt just the tiniest bit bad. I mean, yeah, she was desperate and sad, but no real threat to my relationship with the man who is only guilty of two-timing me with trigonometry and C++ textbooks.
“I was mean to a stranger today.” I confessed to my sister what I’d done. The “relax” bit made me grind my teeth. And feel justified. RELAX.
“Yeah, Heather, relax. She didn’t realize that in the past two years he could have possibly NOT been pining over her and her magical vagina.”
I snorted.
“Also, I don’t think that counts as being mean to a *stranger*. A stranger would be the lady at the grocery store who didn’t know she was in your way, she was just trying to do her job and stock a shelf. This is a skank. Skanks aren’t strangers. Everyone knows skanks.”
“Ha! Oh, hey, unrelated, I have a pair of shoes I want to send you.”
“I’ll take ‘em!”
“They’re black. Like your soul.”
While I am normally of the “take the high road” mindset, this post had me grinning so hard. Your sister is right. Everyone *does* know skanks and the fact that this girl didn’t even have the courtesy to reply “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize he was with someone else” means she had it coming. If not from you then from some other woman who is protecting her relationship with her man. Women like that don’t respond to “Please go away”. They need a slap in the face.
I can relate to this post – I had the same issue recently, and it was going on since 2007 when she found him on facebook after years of being apart.
The whole “Relax” issue sends me over the edge as well. That is the LAST thing you want to hear when you are angry or upset.
Your sister is very wise.
Remember when that dumb girl offered my then fiance one last night of freedom THREE DAYS BEFORE OUR WEDDING? It makes me appreciate how open & honest my husband is, and thankful for the kind of relationship we have. You have a good one, too.
Stupid skanks, and yay for sisters!
Heh, can’t say I wouldn’t (and haven’t!) done the same thing (only to my ex)! But I have to ask, why hasn’t he blocked her number yet?! After so many irritating texts from my ex, we totally blocked his number. Relief that I will never again receive an unwanted message from him = priceless.
This will sound totally ignorant, but how do you block a number? I’ve never figured out how.
We had to log into our account with AT&T, and it was an option available. I suppose you may need to call customer service, depending on your carrier. Oh, and I think there was an extra charge for adding the “block number” service (maybe like an add’l $5/mo.)… but again, that’s probably dependent on whoever your carrier is.
Hope that helps!
That skank is just horrible! Sorry, but this really annoyed me. Anyhow, hopefully she got the picture (finally) and leave you two alone. Congrats, again, on the upcoming wedding! Your relationship makes me smile. (Thus, no longer annoyed by the skank.)
Wow, you are far, far, FAR more patient than I would have been. I would have been peeing all over my territory from month number two
I have so been there, though…on both sides. It’s no fun to fight over getting late night booty calls — it’s not YOUR fault they’re coming in, but you still feel somewhat responsible! Fortunately I’ve gotten mostly polite responses to the “heads up – I’m taken” texts the next day, but one guy responded, “Whatever, you don’t have to invent a boyfriend. You know you’ll be calling me in a week.” Guh.
Good for you on the well-timed and refraining from being REALLY mean. That’s restraint, girl!
I’m not rolling my eyes. She clearly has no self respect if she’s chasing after someone for almost 2 years to no avail. Some girls think “I’m taken” means “please help yourself” and you did take the high road for 2 years. If somebody messed up my sleep that way and disrespected my relationship that way it would take a lot less than 2 years before I verbally bitch-slapped them. She deserved that 1000%.
“Relax” would have motivated me enough to climb through wires just to pop her in the head!
You’re much better at this than I. Kudos!
Offering a comment from the male perspective here — Where is Dork Lord in this situation, and why hasn’t HE taken the lead in putting a stop to such intrusions? This shouldn’t be your responsibility, Fish (IMHO).
Forgive me for perhaps reading toooo much into this, but has he been reluctant to tell her to knock it off “just in case” things don’t work out with you??? Sorry for the paranoia, but a guy should not be totally passive about this. He should have told her LONG AGO that she was no longer on his “pinch-hitter” lineup; that he was COMMITTED to you and to no one else!
As a male, I see this responsibility as being TOTALLY in his ballpark…
I’m of the “nip it in the bud” school of thought and I think your sister is absolutely right. Shortly after my husband (also non-confrontational) and I started dating, his ex decided she really wasn’t happy he’d moved on after she’d dumped him. We were subjected to everything from late night calls to her showing up at the same place when we were out. We moved out to the country and she lost us for a little while, until she spotted his truck at the bar one night and followed us home at 2 a.m. This continued AFTER we were married–for seven years, until my husband was literally on his deathbed (terminal cancer) and I was fielding the phone calls where she was begging to see him, after he himself had told her that he didn’t want to see anyone.
You see, we’d been nice. I’d been nice, knowing that my husband was nothing but faithful to me, knowing that she posed no threat. Maybe if I’d set her straight from the start, I wouldn’t be dealing with her periodic attempts to “reconnect” fifteen years later.
Kudos to you, Heather.
HA! I think “paranoia” is right on! And yes, I agree, that his passivity is uncool sometimes, but he’s not saving her as back up! hahahahah. whew.
Never have the words “brazen hussy” seemed so appropriate.
Hmmm. Get Dork Lord to get off his a** and just block the number. It’s easy. Plus, there are men who get engaged and still try to entertain side action. Not that the DL does but they do.
I dealt with one a while back. He claimed he wanted to play music. Well, music in a casual as in naked way to which I responded, “I need my eyesight too much.” When I realized he was engaged, I nearly had a cow. But I wasn’t completely certain so I gave him an opportunity to backup and say, “I don’t think such and such would be too thrilled about that idea.” But no. At one point when I dropped a huge hint after he was complaining about only getting interest from gay men, he replied with, “There’s all kinds of action. What kind are you talking about?” I wanted to rip his head off.
All I could think was I was going to have some irate fiancee on my a** or one very devastated one or both. She didn’t have access to his email, thank god. But when I finally had enough (on PMS and wine), I let him have it. “What the hell do you take me for?” started my emails. I informed him that if I had an angry woman on my hands, he would suffer for it not me. After four short rants, I ran out of energy.
Of course, he turned everything around on me, claiming he was only joking, etc. and to never contact him again. Six months later, I found my face plastered across a strange YouTube channel, which was his. How funny and creepy. Since then, I found out that fiancee kicked him to the curb. There is justice, girls.
So, if DL can’t call her and tell her he’s engaged, then get him to block the number. It’s easy, painless and she should get the message without your getting involved because it’s really not your role. If she knew he was engaged, she would probably stop on her own.
Ok, wait. Lemme get this sorted out. You knew he was engaged and kept talking to him. Regardless of your intentions, you kept having conversations, dropping “huge hints”, etc. But yet, once Natalie knew we were engaged she would have just stopped on her own?
When someone needs attention badly enough (and negative attention counts just as much), they do not care who they get it from. Period.
My husband would totally react the same way, i.e. not confront her, but the thing I would be most pissed about is continually being woken up in the middle of the night. There is nothing that I hate more than being woken up. If it’s a family member or friend I can forgive them the occasional disturbance, but some hussy that purposely calls in the middle of the night? I would have gotten nastier revenge than you did, like posting her number in the men’s room of a scuzzy bar.
Most often, it was text messages. But that wakes me up, too. That’s all it takes!
I agree with your reaction Fish, but this could have been resolved much much earlier.
1. Dork Lord could have responded to the FIRST text message and say “I’m in a relationship. Please do not contact me any further” then tell you what happened.
Then, if the texting continued:
2. Get a new phone number!
I have a friend who was dating a woman and she received a very provacative text message from an ex boyfriend. My buddy was beside himself…until she said “I’ll get a new phone number”.
Case solved -
Just my 2 cents!
Jim
sadly, she is probably enjoying getting you riled up as much as you are enjoying being nasty (and i agree, she’s not a random stranger…) so i wouldnt be so sure it would stop – i’d go the blocking route at this point too…
I would have made sure to clarify with her “you do know you’re a running joke in our house right? Every time you send a text MY FUTURE HUSBAND and I get a good laugh out of it, and I thought I’d do you the courtesy of letting you know just in case you don’t want to be the butt of the jokes that contribute to our domestic bliss.” But I probably wouldn’t have been able to resist ending with a big SUCK IT.
So much for maturity.
Crazy girls ALWAYS say things like “Relax” and “If you were so comfortable in your relationship, you wouldn’t be so worked up.” They say that because it’s the only way they convince themselves that the girlfriend/wife/fiance of their prey doesn’t make him happy and SHE would be a much better girlfriend.
I flipped out when this girl who always flirts with Diz and completely ignores my presence walked by him and smacked his ass. It’s one thing if she were one of my friends and we were all joking around. But she was blatantly being like “I can do whatever I want to him.” Plus I was drunk, so I got really mad. It’s not that I care if he talks to other girls or even gets a little flirty when I’m not around, because I trust him. But that was just disrespectful, and I pity da foo who disrespects me.
Dear Heather,
No worries. *I* thought the post was funny, not so much an invitation to open a forum to unsolicited Dork Lord bashing. Seems to me like Skankwhore isn’t the only one seeking out drama.
Much love.
Oh, this had me laughing at my desk. I understand the non-confrontational husband and I agree with it, most people get the hint. I just can’t understand what kind of woman would still chase after a year and a half. I mean really, what is she taking, I might want some.
Actually anon I suspected the creepy musician was in a relationship but had no proof. I had met a woman I suspected was his GF at a party. When I asked about her the next time I saw him, he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about. When I blew his cover, he still wouldn’t admit that they lived together. He said his relationship was not any of my business. I subsequently discovered that he had had a very hot date with a friend of a friend despite living with something. Did we have fun with that? I didn’t find out that they were engaged until months later. Dude was definitely catting around. N
Now, Fish, put yourself in Natalie’s shoes. All too often women do this to each other. Fighting over some damned man. I bet DL is getting kind of a kick out of having two women vying for his attention.
Surely, you’ve been there. Did you date some music creep who was doing it with half of NYC? How do you know that you weren’t that woman sending him a late-night text or email while he was with someone else? If DL dumped you tomorrow, would you be sane? C’mon. We all get crazy. If she’s texting at the wee hours, she’s drunk and lonely. Have compassion for her.
And make DL get off his a** and block the damned number. It is ultimately his responsibility. It’s his problem. It obviously ticks you off and he should care that you’re ticked off. Calling women skanks and stuff is oh so Real Housewives of New Jersey.
Actually, it wasn’t anon who said that, it was me. My comments are marked with that little blue symbol up there.
You are being awfully jaded on this topic (reading “ticked off” where none was implied), lecture-y and frankly, pretty judgmental. Except, of course, when it comes to the pathetic skank. Look, sure, everyone gets crazy. But not two years later. Nobody gets “aw, poor thing” credit for that long.
Howsabout I’m just gonna stick with this gig I have going where I don’t assume every man is a cheater and every woman is his hapless victim. Mmm kay?
D,
Maybe you’ve had some douchey boyfriends who “worked late” a few too many times, but it turns out, not every guy is a creepster who gets his jollies watching their better half get a shitty night’s sleep due to some destperate girl. Maybe she was drunk… for 2 years. Hell, I’ve been on that end of the drunk phone before and wake up feeling pretty goddamned ridiculous. So much so, that I don’t turn around and do it again. And again. And again.
Making some insinuation that it would be in any sense okay or even fathomable for Dork Lord to up and leave if a little messed up. Do you know the entire situation, or just what you read from a few paragraphs? Does Heather know the whole situation? Maybe, maybe not. But she knows a whole hell of a lot more than you do. And I’m pretty sure she’s got the full spectrum when it comes to her personal relationship.
How would you feel if strangers started coming up to you and speculating on your relationships?
I think in that sense it’s totally fair for me to assume that you are bad at your job and will be fired as soon as a qualified replacement is found. I have every reason to believe this due to your use of stupid-ass shorthand.
See how fair that is?
I think you did EXACTLY the right thing! She’s pathetic and sad.
(If it’d been me,I would have called a family member who works for the FBI and asked what legal action I could threaten in order to scare her into stopping. But that’s just me.)
Just block the damned number and stop tearing down other women. It’s exactly why women aren’t ruling the world. There are men out there who play many sides to win. There are women who do it too. The more energy you waste on this the more she wins. Either come to terms with it or block the damned number. Had a man done this to you you’d be bending over backwards to make the DL feel secure.
Jeezus, you are so angry! Angry and way, way off base. Look, you’ve been commenting here for years without any of this I’m-so-all-knowing-and-wise bullshit you’re spewing now, so something here struck a chord with you – a really pissed off chord, for sure.
Just cut it out with the “Do this because I said so!” horseshit. YOU do what you gotta do and if part of that is not reading this because it makes you so freaking mad, well, you know what, get on with it.
we so rarely get to tell someone off and feel totally justified in it, good on yah! (p.s. i am also impressed with your restraint, I wouldn’t have had the same restraint)
“let me tell you – blogs are tricky things. you gotta watch out. there are people out in cyberspace who don’t have much to do with their lives except make yours as miserable as theirs. if they don’t like what they’re reading, they have a right to go elsewhere.”
Desdemona Finch – February 17, 2005 3:30 PM
OMG…you dealt way better than I would have! I would have dealt with the “relax”, badly but I would have taken it…..I would have even taken the repeated texting with no comments from the boy in question….what I absolutely would not have dealt with was the 2am text message; of course I answer my phone at 11pm with “someone better be dead”. My sleep is precious, and I can never fall back to sleep so that girl would have gotten it after the second message LOL
Your sister is an absolute DOLL!!!
Good for you!
A “normal” person would have gotten the message waaay before your text to her – like, after the third unanswered text or so.I totally agree that it is HER responsibility to get lost, but if she’s still trying to contact DL after two years, she probably doesn’t get normal, appropriate behaviour or pesky things like boundaries – so I would have to agree with the rest about blocking her number.
We had someone like that, who felt I “stole” her man (she never “had” him!) and who kept texting and such. After closer to a year she stopped. Four years later she called as a part of her sex-addict 12-step program and apologised for her non-appropriate and boundary-overstepping behavior.
Anyways, I just hope that she got the message and leaves you two alone asap and gets on with her life!
Good for you!
A “normal” person would have gotten the message waaay before your text to her – like, after the third unanswered text or so.I totally agree that it is HER responsibility to get lost, but if she’s still trying to contact DL after two years, she probably doesn’t get normal, appropriate behaviour or pesky things like boundaries – so I would have to agree with the rest about blocking her number.
We had someone like that, who felt I “stole” her man (she never “had” him!) and who kept texting and such. After closer to a year she stopped. Four years later she called as a part of her sex-addict 12-step program and apologised for her non-appropriate and boundary-overstepping behavior.
Anyways, I just hope that she got the message and leaves you two alone asap and gets on with her life!
Grah! I seriously don’t know how you keep blogging when people can be so awful on comments! C’mon a year and half of the booty texts, then she responds with “Relax”! Your response was right on. This isn’t about hating other women – this is about dealing with someone who is obviously a little un-hinged! I am not one to throw stones at the drunken booty text – been there done that, but freaking c’mon, I always was embarassed the next day and would’ve been mortified if my ex’s girlfriend had to tell me to back off. A YEAR AND A HALF of un-responded to texts? And at 2am! UN-HINGED!
Although I can the whole, she had no idea he was with someone angle, and although she mattered nada to him, it still would have buttered my biscuit and I believe that I would have responded in a similar fashion. Relax would gotten me so angry that I’m not sure I could have been mean to her via text because I would have been busy waving my fists of fury in the air…
.
Your reaction and how you dealt with it were fine, Heather. Don’t feel bad about it for one second. If she’s got no idea of boundaries, why the hell shouldn’t you show them to her?
My husband was doing the same thing, just ignoring this girl who kept contacting him. They had never been together in the biblical sense, but he had wanted to, and three years on she was still exploiting that, even after he’d moved on and married.
Like Dork Lord, he just felt ignoring her was the best way forward, and I let him get on with that, until one day she sent me a friendship request on Facebook.
To cut a long story short, I sorted it out right there and then, and the messages we BOTH got in response to that were so high on the Bunny Boiler scale, I felt too justified to feel bad about ‘upsetting’ her. What she’d failed to realise was that I had gone into it with all the facts to hand (including being privy to the instant message conversations where she freaked out when she found out he was dating me, and offered herself instead). She made herself look a right tit.
I would have sent something similar. I also DO NOT think for a second, that just becasue your man ignored the texts and contact from effing natalie that in any way means he is keeping her on the side just in case…
Hooley Dooley we can’t be that paranoid and untrusting. He loves you, he can’t be effed with responding! I get it you get it he gets it… she didn’t.
We had to tell one particulary amarous and persistent texter that best she forgets my mans number, address, face or how good he smells or i was going to have to head butt her because after 2.5 years and building a house together and introducing him to my sons life and becoming a family together means i don’t have to put up with “hey sexy wanna catch up some time??? love SKANK”
You get to the point where its okay to point out the obvious rules of etiquette.
I have a better idea, why not just change the number, then you won’t have that problem…
The word “relax” needs to be retired from the English language. Or perhaps relegated to travel and spa advertising only.
I think you showed extreme patience in putting up with that nonsense for a year and a half! I think you handled it beautifully and I agree that someone telling me to “relax” when I’m upset only has the effect of sending me into the stratosphere – anger-wise.
She’s obviously got some huge issues. I completely hope she takes her freakshow somewhere else and leaves you guys alone now.
I had the same thing happen; however it was naked photos being sent to my at the time boyfriend/fiance/now husband –
The text msg that broke the camels back was a message saying “I’m burning for your loins.” I got on facebook and sent her HUSBAND a message telling him to put his whore wife on a leash…he did more than that he divorced her. Apparently my fiance wasn’t the only one she was sexting…
I have zero tolerance for woman who not only can’t repect themselves but others; especially ME…
Good for you Heather being so brilliant about it!! It’s not about jealousy either – The hubby can have any friends he wants – its when the line of “friendships” gets crossed.
My hubby is to nice to tell these trolls to knock it off as well and ignores them…however I’m not that nice.