coming soon on disney dvd

Because this is MY fairy tale….

Cinderella Steve has a girlfriend. Isn’t that just precious? Don’t worry, it gets better. He was out that night looking to cheat.

How handy that I was there, no?

Word travels fast in magical kingdoms, and before he could say oh fuck, I had the little bastard on the phone. Cornered.

He denied it.

Only to call back fifteen minutes ago to apologize. Yes, he has a girlfriend. Yes, he’s horribly sorry because (get this) I’m just so amazing and attractive that… well, you get the picture.

Cinderella Steve actually thanked me for being so “easy.”

“Do you mean, thank you for being a whore? Or do you mean, thank you for being so understanding?”
“I meant, thank you for being understanding.”
“You shouldn’t have lied when I called you on it.”
“I know.”
“Fine then. Take care of yourself.”

What is it with me?

Do I emit some sort of magnetic field that disables men and makes them forget significant factors like… they’re already seeing someone? And it takes them several hours (during which they’ve attempted to go down my throat and up my skirt) to remember??

Let this be clear: I am no man’s other woman. And what’s more, I’m done with this. Done. You stupid lying bastards. My fairy tales do not end in “happily ever after.” They end in, “what the fuck.”

I totally hope he caught my cold.

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