Was supposed to spend last evening in town with J. Even after horrible email that left off in yours truly writing "screw you, phone boy" (J is in telecommunications business) he was expected to show up to, in the v. least, say goodbye.
Got SMASHING drunk (among other things) in anticipation of awkward meeting. But in reality, got smashing drunk (and other things) for nothing. Well, not for nothing...for brief phone call at 11 from J saying practice had run late (is also musician) and felt simply horrible that wouldn't see me before long holiday. Was too unsober to say anymore than "fine," hang up, and subsequently turn off cell phone for night. Am expecting apologetic email any moment, to which will send scathing reply. Am v. tired of mattering so little. If J had wanted to see me, 11 would not be too late to do so. Am no fool.
Am huge, pathetic, destined-to-be bitter old maid fool, if must be completely honest with self. Am so angry that angry isn't even good enough word to use. And am sad.
Do not react well to sympathy, have noticed. Am fine under most horrid situations until some kind soul (friend, roommate, stranger on internet log) expresses they are sorry for me. Then, feel have permission from entire free-world to feel weak and forget being forbearing, and ultimately and inevitably spend next half hour or so in hot shower crying.
Had good cry last night. As well as several v. large, v. strong margaritas made by wonderful gal pal. Am feeling better, but finding self doing lot of sighing.
Sigh.