Slept last night in Js bed. And J... slept on the couch.
Days (Months, if am being honest) of ambiguity and walking some bizarre fine line are over. Over.
Yeah right.
Am trying to convince self that am indeed fine with outcome. Perhaps was silly to think that would feel better after all of Js sincere apologies and praise for my forebearance, but do not feel all that much better. Told him could not stand this back and forth that have grown so accustomed to. J was sorry for confusing me. Said he loves me. And knew right then, actually, think we BOTH knew right then that it was true, but there was no more. No I love you, but... No I love you, so... Just, I love you. J tried more explanations and apologies in his own chemically-enhanced way, but finally, didn't need them anymore. Is funny that I can feel so much better and still, so much worse. Was so nice to hope that we could un-change whatever changed between us, but is also nice to have permission, from self, to fall in love with someone else. Eventually.
J and I will still be friends in that tricky, sometimes painful way. We will love each other. Only one side will be the You're-so-good-to-me-I-appreciate-You love and on other side will be the You-Make-Me-Dizzy love. Said dizzy kind of love goes away. At least is what am hoping for.
Remember thinking would cry pathetically and eternally and vow never to love again when finally accepted J was not the one for this Fish. But am feeling neither pathetic, nor possessing energy to weep eternally. Am instead feeling like tracking down Reluctant Kitten for some forced bonding time and eating either A) entire pizza or B)pint of Ben and Jerrys. Perhaps will do both as am feeling have earned it. Will toast to uncertain future. And tragic platonic love.
And sanity. Will toast to my sanity.