Fish's Freak Out Diet update:
4 down. 6 to go. Not bad, must say. Will reward myself with something pretty.
Am missing my M&Ms, though.
Long bus rides to office with same CD in discman result in feeling like broody, badly mixed cocktail of country music. One song for pining, one for complete misery, and cannot forget the one song that is melodic Fuck-You to men. Cannot decide which one to feel sympathetic with. Not surprising, though, as cannot hardly find presence of mind to decide what to wear. Had v. compelling conversation with J yesterday, in which surprised self by getting foggy-eyed at work.
H: It just occurred to me that it's gonna be pretty stinky when one of us starts dating someone we like for more than three weeks at at time. I'm not going to like being replaced as 'the girl' and I'm probably going to hate her for a while. And I'd miss all the stuff we do. It's unavoidable, though... one of the hazards of being us in our bizarre situation, I guess.
J: I hear you. But any girl I date or, any guy you date is just going to have to share. And if it's a problem with them, then they are a problem with me.
H: Though, explaining our mysterious lunch dates might become a problem. (per continuing inside joke about meeting for lunchtime quickies)
J: 'Why are you always so happy after lunch?' Um, I don't know..... (head bobbing from side to side).
Had heart-stopping moment on bus, mid ultra despondent ballad, that realized have indeed, at least temporarily, lost optimism. Perhaps somewhere in huge laundry pile growing on bedroom floor. Felt, for first time in entire romantic life, that am done with love. That there is no one and will never find bicycle suitable to replace one for which had such profound feelings. Had teacher in high school with whom was v. close. She confided once that her husband was not the man she had loved most. She had a soulmate. Teacher and soulmate did not marry. When asked why, teacher simply shrugged.
somebody tell my head to try and tell my heart
that i'm better off without you
'cause, baby I can't live...
Is not going to end well, Concerned Roommate says. Do realize this. Have been trying to replace J since first time we parted. Even after the first round of getting back togethers. Now, am thinking is pointless. Was invited to dinner by v. cute foreign fellow at work. Thanks, but no thanks. Has even appealed to v. essence of Fish and asked if would like to go shopping at lunch. Is v. persistent bicycle. Funny, though. Thought he was gay.
hole in my head
hole in my head
i need a boy like you
like a hole in my head
Still feel strange residue of bus-ride pessimism that can't seem to shake. Hopefully, won't last long. Am certain is phase and this fish will not be able to sit bench long before time-out period of mourning ends, and feel inclined to jump back into same, horrifying tournament of love.
let the games begin
here i go again
i'm never gonna win....
depressing lyrics courtesy of dixie chicks album, Fly.
Posted by This Fish at October 24, 2002 11:49 AM