February 17, 2004

incongruent

I'm not perfect.

I know, shocker. And after you regain your composure, I'll tell you which imperfection I'm currently obsessed with. But first, you must promise you'll love me anyway. Go on, promise. Thank you. Here we go then:

I have one love handle.

Being of the curvier variety, I try to keep a fairly well-defined waistline. It's the key difference between hourglass and obelisk. But last year, as I became more sluggish in the long, way-too long winter months, I found myself sporting a love handle. Those in the know can vouch for its existence...and the lack of an accompanying one on the other side. Of small relief, I have to say it is a small lovehandle. I mean, it doesn't overlap my belt or poke out of my shirts. But it is there, nonetheless, taunting me with its asymmetry.

But I ask you, why is it there?! Is it a tumor? An alien child? Does it exist for the sake of harmony, to balance out the cute little appendix scars on my right side? Do I need uglying up? I mean, come on!

I suppose a possible solution would be to grow one on the other side in order to create symmetry -- which, as we all know is the key to aesthetics. But that kind of "aesthetic" would not be aesthetic at all. And would certainly rule out any co-ed, clothing optional activities. Will the Ab-doer save me? Or am I destined to live out my life as a lopsided individual?

I know many people lead perfectly normal lives with lopsided bodies. I have had many roommates with one foot bigger than the other or one breast bigger than the other. I have two matching feet and two matching breasts.... so I suppose I deserve this:

The love handle of shame.

Posted by This Fish at February 17, 2004 09:41 AM
Comments

Maybe one for plain, one for peanut?

Posted by: Lex at February 17, 2004 11:27 AM

Actually, what you probably have is mild scoliosis: a side-to-side curvature of the spine. It's much more common than one might think.

The canonical gym-class/pediatrician test is to have the testee bend over from the hips and touch their toes or the floor. The observer can see if the testee's rib cage, hips, and/or shoulders are even, or if one is higher than the other. Sometimes just looking at someone's back when they are standing straight up (w/out clothes) can show a slight curvature, or unevenness of shoulders.

Chances are good that it's no big deal, but you might ask your doctor next time you have a regular exam.

(I know a fair bit about scoliosis from a layperson's view, since I have severe scoliosis and spent a couple of years in a brace during high school. Despite the fact that I have one 38 degree and one 28 degree curve in my spine, it's hard to see unless you know what you're looking for. If I bend over, it's much more obvious --very uneven rib cage. FWIW, it doesn't give me any trouble.)

Posted by: ers at February 17, 2004 12:56 PM

More cushion for the pushin baby!

Posted by: Dubsac at February 17, 2004 02:44 PM

I was going to say: just something for those lucky enough to hold on to.

Posted by: Paul Gutman at February 17, 2004 03:27 PM

I, too, have an imperfect body, but from my perspective, on the inside, it feels pretty nice. It can perform work, give and receive pleasure, and keep my innards in while I walk around on this wide wonderful wet rock we all call home.

'Tis good to be alive, even if imperfect.

Posted by: Patron Saint of Drunken Fornication at February 17, 2004 03:47 PM

Seconding ers' comment, you probably do have scoliosis. One of my legs is shorter than the other, which makes my hips tilt really awkwardly. So I have a love handle on the higher and smooth skin on the lower side.

Posted by: Carrie at February 17, 2004 06:50 PM

Hell...if love handles are a reason to be ashamed, I got y'all covered...trust me on this...

Posted by: JRCM at February 17, 2004 07:03 PM

i have an unsymmetrical stomach. i've often considered the alien child thing.

maybe, when standing up, you could just shuffle your weight on the non-tumor side, and stretch the tumor-side out. it helps if you cock your head to the side and slouch your shoulder. for aesthetics.

Posted by: julia at February 17, 2004 07:13 PM

Julia... FINALLY someone who makes some sense!!!

Posted by: Fish at February 17, 2004 08:36 PM

Julia, is that the disaffected-model-with-one-hand-on-one-hip look? Because that totally grabs the guys. No one will ever know.

Posted by: Paul Gutman at February 17, 2004 11:33 PM