February 15, 2004

ouch

I have heartburn.

You know, the actual literal "I can't lay down or the lava will erode my tonsils" kind of heart burn.

I've become accustomed to sitting up nights bothered by the metaphorical kind, sobbing myself into a snotty little heap in front of my Dell. But this... this is new. And it's driving me fucking crazy.

And Tums? HA! Forget about it. That shit ain't cutting it.

This is totally what it must be like to get old.

Posted by This Fish at February 15, 2004 11:35 PM
Comments

That's not what it's like to get old, unless you also have aching joints, a crick in your back, gas, and a memory just faulty enough to make you worry about it from time to time.

Take care.

Posted by: Patron Saint of Drunken Fornication at February 16, 2004 12:14 AM

H,

I know I know, this is an advice free zone, but for me, the only thing that stopped heartburn was laying off the Mexican Food, including the margaritas...and coffee. Trust me, the cure sucks..

Posted by: michael at February 16, 2004 01:01 AM

You think this is old?? Wait 'til parts start falling off ... ;-)

Posted by: Lex at February 16, 2004 08:25 AM

owwwwch, indeed! feel better, fish! i know what that's like. one of the weirdest things about me is that i get really bad stomach reactions sometimes, and i've even gone to the hospital for it. i was diagnosed once with "acute gas"--how gross is that? i laughed and told the doctor, "well, at least it's cute." (grrrrroooaaaan). anyhow, hope you feel better, and young, again SOON!

Posted by: sassylittlepunkin at February 16, 2004 10:00 AM

Prilocet OTC

Posted by: Country Mike at February 16, 2004 10:13 AM

Zantac works wondrously for me.

Posted by: sam at February 16, 2004 12:07 PM

I like this heartburn remedy: I rub a cut clove of garlic (a big one) behind each ear, then swallow it (the garlic, not the ear); then, while standing on one creaky leg, I grab a dead "dumpster cat" by the wiskers and swing it over my head by the light of the full moon (the cat, not the leg). Four full circles oughta do it -- it's hard on the arm after that and my knees aren't that steady. Then I coat the cat with olive oil and spam (bargain brand will do) and bury it (the cat) on consecrated ground about 6 inches down. No, wait, that's for tulips. Okay, for dead spammed cat, the gardening book says 13 inches deep. Okay, no, hold on there -- I guess you're supposed to use a chicken.

Oh, lookit -- I guess you weren't asking for advice. Sorry. But good luck with YOUR heartburn and keep on blogging. Today, I happened upon your site for the first time and it really made my workday fly by. Fun fun!

Posted by: Without A Bicycle at February 16, 2004 03:12 PM

"Without A Bicycle" made me laugh so hard I CRIED. That's not fair!

Posted by: Daniella at February 16, 2004 06:51 PM

Never had heartburn in my life, and when I mentioned that to my mother, she said, "yeah, I didn't have it until I was in my mid-twenties, and I only remember that because I had a nervous breakdown around the same time and tried to kill myself. So watch out for heartburn."

Um, okay mom, thanks for scaring me (and scarring me). Now, I've tied up the idea of heartburn with nervous breakdowns and suicide.

Posted by: Anne at February 16, 2004 07:35 PM

how about just laying off the mojitos.

Posted by: hubs at February 17, 2004 05:42 PM

you're right, hubs. when i start with vodka tonic, i should STAY with vodka tonic.

Posted by: Fish at February 17, 2004 09:16 PM