This Fish Needs A Bicycle

the thin and thick of it

I’d like to send a formal “welcome back” to my waistline, now that I’m seeing signs of its return from wherever it had been spending its winter holiday. After work, I will force myself to stop by the gym to take care of the necessary membership transfer. You know, to adios these, shall we say, substantial thighs and backside. Not that I really have anything against their Rubenesque proportions, but with the return of the thinner waistline, I’m beginning to get Cease and Desist orders from J-Lo’s people.

(Too many cooks in the kitchen, as it were. Some girls just can’t deal with a little healthy competition.)

Monday night being Manicure Night, I tidied up the kitchen and headed to the salon down the street for perhaps the worst French manicure in the history of the art. Here I was thinking the very purpose of a French manicure was to appear somewhat natural, while at the same time preserving that, “I’m sorta high maintenance look,” and I came outta that place with hands that would make Tammy Faye Baker look subtle. And when the thick, gloppy mess hadn’t dried an hour later, off it came. If I wanted cheap, prostitute hands, I’d have given myself a manicure. For free.

Oh, aren’t we touching on the real meaty subjects today? I’d like to, really, but I’m practicing avoidance.

As some of you know (and I give a nod toward the gang up in Boston), my father makes threats of suicide from time to time -- this being one of those times, what with the one-year anniversary of The Great Divorce approaching. So, between the Sibling Defense League, emails fly, cell phone minutes get used up (as do greater amounts of over-the-counter sleep aids), and my stalwart brother has to traipse over to relieve my NRA-loving father of his firearm. At least this time, he has not disappeared.

So, dear reader, as I do my utmost to deal with my situation in the way I deem most appropriate (*cough cough* ignore it and maybe it will go away *cough*), you’ll simply be subject to my dissertations on the weighty matters of life, like, lip gloss and leg lifts.

Tomorrow’s topic? The Brazilian Wax. (I need a new aesthetician. Any recomendations?)