November 13, 2004

modern love

I was saving up my excitement for tomorrow morning, when I could open the Sunday Times, see my name in print and squeal like a six-year-old on Christmas. Sunday brunch was scheduled (we seem to need very little occasion to throw a champagne brunch), and I’d put my brain to figuring out just how I was going to introduce the column appearing in the Sunday Styles column, Modern Love.

But damned if I haven’t been caught resting on my laurels. The online edition has already been published!

The piece is, like everything here, about me. And it’s about Benjamin. Don’t worry, he already read it. No scandalous surprises there. It's about being a blogger and dating a blogger who is also dating other bloggers (she knew about the article, too). You see where this is going. And also perhaps why it was so fitting for him to guest-host while I trekked Morocco.

Go. Read. I have to get in the shower. My mother is in town this week and today, we’re brunching. I just love that I get to teach my mother how to brunch properly. Too bad she’s such a light-weight.

Re: the article

Many thanks to Daniel Jones, editor extraordinaire, for asking me to contribute, and for helping me cut to the chase. And to Ben, for being equal amounts pain in the ass and most cherished friend.

And in response to those who clearly have problems with discerning things like tone and theme: I am not proud of what I did or how I behaved or for feeling the way I did. But that's how it went down, and I'm telling it like it was. End of story.

Posted by This Fish at November 13, 2004 10:47 AM
Comments

Excellent article, Fish. It makes me feel more "normal" when I find out that other people think and react like I do. Glad you two came out of this for the better.

Thank you :)

Posted by: angie at November 13, 2004 11:04 AM

great column.... i was wondering when it would hit the news stand -- thanks for sharing the link with your loyal readers. as always, your writing is fun, insightful and oh-so-relevant.

Posted by: mindy at November 13, 2004 11:47 AM

Congrats, Fish! Your blog has always been on the top of my must-reads, and now the whole Manhattan Isle (and the NY Times-reading world beyond) gets to enjoy it too!
Is this Tines column a one-time shot, or a regular gig?

-Lucid Girl

Posted by: Lucid Girl at November 13, 2004 11:49 AM

great article!

Posted by: am at November 13, 2004 12:04 PM

lovely article, esp. acknowledging how easy it is to use the internet to fuel our neuroses.

Posted by: sarah at November 13, 2004 12:17 PM

Hooray! Great article! Congrats!

Posted by: Blonde Justice at November 13, 2004 12:45 PM

After reading all 3 blogs for quite some time now (yours, BW and young photographer) it has come full circle, finally. Excellent article. Congrats on the article and for being strong.

Posted by: SR at November 13, 2004 01:04 PM

Congratulations! I enjoyed reading the article. Don't stop writing.

Posted by: Cristina at November 13, 2004 01:08 PM

Congratulations on the excellent article! Enjoyed it, like all your writing, very much!

Posted by: Linda at November 13, 2004 01:11 PM

Congrats Fish, I am so happy for you. You truly have a gift.
Enjoy!

Posted by: Colleen at November 13, 2004 01:22 PM

wowowowow! Congratulations! It was so so so good. I feel so special to be a loyal reader of a now-famous NYTimes columnist. ;)

Posted by: lauren at November 13, 2004 01:33 PM

fish! how fabulous!!

Posted by: jalynn at November 13, 2004 01:38 PM

Drink up fish.
One more rung up the ladder.
my favorites Icon will never feel the same.

Can you take us back on vacation again?

Posted by: b at November 13, 2004 01:50 PM

Nice - very nice. Congratulations on realizing this blogger's dream, to be published.

Posted by: Kenna at November 13, 2004 02:22 PM

That was a fantastic article. Congrats!

Posted by: ali at November 13, 2004 03:30 PM

Wow. Thanks to nytimes.com for leading me to Fish . . . and thanks to Fish for sharing with such grace and humor. Keep it coming!!

Posted by: Debbo at November 13, 2004 03:54 PM

it's kind of like bridget jones! :)

Posted by: YAY! at November 13, 2004 04:26 PM

I suspect that, once this article hits the newsstands, the hit count is going to at least double... if not more.

Congrats, Fish... I think you're about to go big time.

Posted by: PinkStiletto at November 13, 2004 05:53 PM

Loved the article. Like some I've been reading all three blogs for quite some time, and I like how everything has come full circle. I'd always wondered how you and the "young photographer" had known one another... and now I know.

Seriously exciting that it's in the NY Time though... for you, not me (although maybe one day).

Posted by: L at November 13, 2004 06:55 PM

I'm one of those bloggers who reads you all the time but never comments. Howver, I admit, I haven't been reading blogs for several months. Personal stuff.

Imagine my shock when I read the New York Times online today and saw your article! "I KNOW HER!" I thought!

Ok, I don't really know you... but like most of your readers, I feel like I do. That's the blogiverse for you.

Congrats.

Posted by: MzOuiser at November 13, 2004 07:03 PM

Congrats on your article!

Posted by: Lady Crumpet at November 13, 2004 07:20 PM

Heather, Just discovered your site. Love it and very happy for you that you're getting the exposure you deserve in the Times. Best wishes!

Posted by: Chris at November 13, 2004 10:55 PM

Hey, that was a wonderful article you wrote for the New York Times. It's so refreshing to read about the life of a seasoned blogger. I was always so skeptical of putting my personal diary on the Internet (after getting countless viruses through e-mails, witnessing my I-do-everything-over-the-Net Mom swim the Sea of Identity Theft and reading several articles on the AP wire --I'm a copy editor at a newspaper -- about spammers finally getting enough jail time to regret ever learning how to say HTML). I've just gotten into blogging after my best friend introduced me to some sites...I've always been one to write down my thoughts (but the key word is WRITE) Anyway, enough about me...I pray for much success in your career as a writer...You'll definitely have a Carrie (a la Sex in the City) following after that column...Be blessed...

Posted by: Jane at November 13, 2004 11:37 PM

Congrats! Very nice.

Posted by: Tammi at November 14, 2004 07:44 AM

Congrats, and well done.

Posted by: seastreet at November 14, 2004 09:17 AM

found your blog throiugh the ny times article--they made a great choice in asking you to write--wonderful piece,congrats!
new reader,susan

Posted by: susan mernit at November 14, 2004 10:06 AM

I used to read your blog and then forgot about it, somehow... So I read your column because it was good, not because of who you are. It's great: well-written and honest, in a not-too-self-pitying sort of way. And I'm happy to have been reminded about the blog as a nice side-effect.

Posted by: mcf at November 14, 2004 10:13 AM

Wow Fish, how proud you must be? Great job!!

Keep up the fantastic writing.

Posted by: Wicked H at November 14, 2004 11:28 AM

Never read a blog before. Now I know why. How could you be attracted to someone with such bad spelling? How could you have a family member consider being a cop? Yeeks. Good bye blogging!

Posted by: m at November 14, 2004 11:56 AM

I signed on to say: "YAY, YAY, YAY!!"

I wish the creeps would stay in the woodwork rather then coming out. Don't let "m" spoil your great day!

Posted by: sally at November 14, 2004 12:14 PM

Well, as THE YOUNG PHOTOGRAPHER, I have to applaud you for you courage and brilliant writing. I wish you all good things my dear... I hope this is only the beginning of your actualized dreams. (And I hope you know I would never send an anonymous email to anyone... I'd rather be a scathing bitch to their face. Anonymous, as you can tell from my stephanieklein.com blog, just ain't my style.)

Posted by: StephanieKlein at November 14, 2004 12:35 PM

LOVED your article. I met my last guy on Friendster and would constantly cyberstalk all of his female friendters convinced that they were so much more glamorous and interesting than me (I'm a lawyer and he's an editor) and seriously drove myself nuts. I'm glad to know I'm not alone, and I hope you're glad to know that you're not!

Posted by: Princes Anonymous at November 14, 2004 12:37 PM

While I liked the piece, I feel so sorry for all you young women--how can you let yourselves be treated so poorly?

Posted by: BetsyRodin at November 14, 2004 02:17 PM

Hello, Heather-

Read your article in the Times this morning and loved it. You're funny and talented.

I suspect that traffic to your site will go through the roof and stay there.

Congratulations!

Terry

Posted by: Terry at November 14, 2004 02:32 PM

disapointment flowed over me when i read "the article" - you use Internet Explorer?!!

surely as a leading member of the bloggerati you know that Firefox is where it's at?

Spread the worrd!

Seriously, congratulations

Posted by: VJ at November 14, 2004 02:50 PM

like the others, read your article this morning and wandered over to your site. as a college senior with highspeed internet, cyberstalking through google, friendster and now thefacebook as well as blogging is something my friends and i have fallen in to during our time here.
i'm glad to have found the fun and very relatable read in the fashion section and now i have found one more blog to frequent. thanks.

Posted by: flora at November 14, 2004 04:39 PM

like the others, read your article this morning and wandered over to your site. as a college senior with highspeed internet, cyberstalking through google, friendster and now thefacebook as well as blogging is something my friends and i have fallen in to during our time here.
i'm glad to have found the fun and very relatable read in the fashion section and now i have found one more blog to frequent. thanks.

Posted by: flora at November 14, 2004 04:39 PM

Fabulous Fish! I have been reading for a few months, and I'm so happy to see you've been published. In the NYT of all places. Good for you for sharing your fabulousness with the world.

Posted by: Lisa at November 14, 2004 04:54 PM

Fish,

Congratulations on your accomplishments! I hope it was an excellent celebratory brunch.

I'm glad to be one of 2,000 daily readers.

Posted by: Susanne at November 14, 2004 06:06 PM

Congrats a mundo-

You are everything I strive for when I remember the parental admonishment of my childhood, "Don't get your hopes up".

Thank you, Heather, for not being afraid to be disappointed and for being brave enough to be real.

Posted by: Vicki at November 14, 2004 07:00 PM

very, very awesome stuff! i read the article in the NY Times, and have now discovered both your journal and the other angles of the blogging triangle. thanks for inspiring me to get better at writing - you have a way with words. such a good way. note that i also keep a blog, or rather, a pseudo-blog (because it's on LiveJournal). i update it pretty frequently, so feel free to read! :D

Posted by: Jordan at November 14, 2004 07:26 PM

Over dinner tonight the subject of meeting dates online somehow came up and my boyfriend's roommate told us all how he'd read an article in the New York Times today about a woman who had met a man through her blog and started dating him and all the trouble it had caused.

I had to bite my tongue SO HARD to keep from mentioning that I read you regularly. (Being a closet web journaler is tough sometimes.)

Anyway. You have now acheived enough fame that you are being brough up over dinner by my random friends. Exciting.

Posted by: jennn at November 14, 2004 08:57 PM

congrats, h! it's so wonderful to see it in all its 'in print' (well, on my computer screen) glory! it came out wonderfully!

Posted by: sassylittlepunkin at November 14, 2004 09:08 PM

Oh, geez. Now I've run across something else I'll feel compelled to read every day?

Can you just email me the really good parts?

Posted by: thinker at November 14, 2004 09:28 PM

I am not a regular reader of your BLOG, but I'm a regular reader of the Sunday NYTimes. I really enjoyed your article! Good luck with the BLOG and the crazy world of being single.

Posted by: Rick Umali at November 14, 2004 11:04 PM

I discovered your blog through www.myurbankvetch.blogspot.com and I am thrilled to have made the discovery. Congratulations on your achievement and obvious success. Enjoy the ride!

Posted by: Dawn at November 15, 2004 01:55 AM

Usually just lurked, but that was an awesome article! Congratulations and keep on writing!

Posted by: ninjato at November 15, 2004 02:34 AM

BRAVO!!! Awesome job Fish! The article had the same easy flow that you write in your journal with and what a pleasure that is to read!

Posted by: Julia at November 15, 2004 08:50 AM

Hey, if it means anything to you, one nycguy to a nycgirl. I just checked out the "young photographer's" site out of curiosity. You're way more cute than she is. Don't worry about her freckles, it's more like leathery polka dotted skin. haha, you have that luminious glow beauty that she can't even dream of. hope alls wells and a good life to you.

-nycguy

Posted by: nycguy at November 15, 2004 10:10 AM

i was referred here from the "musician's" site. i love this blog and your story in the Times is great. but what do you expect from a male musician? i'm a female musician and know how dumb and self-involved single male musicians are. i have certain requirements for playing with male musicians -- they must be married, have had kids, formerly married and had kids, gay. the last thing i want to do is be holed up in some van with a bunch of middle-aged single guys comparing penile implant sizes and bragging about how all the young things want to rub their big bald heads. :) keep it up. love the blog.

Posted by: desdemona finch at November 15, 2004 11:09 AM

Congratulations on being published. :-)

I enjoyed the column. I know I'm not a strong enough woman to date a blogger dating other bloggers. That's just too much information available to my wandering fingers and eyes. Credit to you for finding a way to deal.

Posted by: Bond Girl at November 15, 2004 11:18 AM

first time reader, came here from the times article which I enjoyed. Bloggers dating bloggers who met online -- how meta?

Posted by: Ron Mwangaguhunga at November 15, 2004 12:09 PM

Oh boy did this strike a chord with me. My boyfriend and I are not "fellow bloggers" - but he did give me the link to the website of the girl he dated before me. He gave me the link to read a particular poem, and I didn't know who owned the site at first - but the poem was cool so I went through more of the site... and got far more detail about she & him together than I EVER wanted to know. That was almost 5 years ago and it still haunts me, so to speak.

Posted by: paz at November 15, 2004 12:30 PM

Your experience just goes to show that technology doesn't change human nature. It just makes it easier to indulge in our obessions, both good and bad. Hopefully we, as you did, will learn something valuable from it all.

Great article and congrats on your new New York Timesy-ness!

Posted by: Coelecanth at November 15, 2004 12:38 PM

Great Article! Congratulations!

Posted by: karoni at November 15, 2004 01:00 PM

Yay Fish! Good job with the article, but then of course those of us who have been here a while already knew you were a great writer.

Blogs after all, are the new black. :)

Posted by: Kim at November 15, 2004 01:08 PM

Great article - hopefully there'll be many more to come. as as someone who was once involved with a male musician (albeit a different one) myself, i know the pits and falls of dating an artistic man... musicians beign the most alluring and dangerous of them all.

Posted by: writersbloc gal at November 15, 2004 01:38 PM

Welcome back from Morocco and congratulations on the article!!

Posted by: lawyerchik1 at November 15, 2004 02:50 PM

I read the piece online, and loved it. Thank you for your honesty and insight. Congratulations on getting published, and your site's now bookmarked.

Posted by: essny at November 15, 2004 03:10 PM

This is really entertaining stuff. It's so 21st century. Incestuous Blogging. So much better than Reality television. "Musician" should pitch it to MTV - Real World is getting old, THIS is so much Juicier :)

How about the "Real Blogs New York"?

This is the true story of three strangers, picked to Blog in NYC and have their lives taped, find out what happens when people start getting REAL. The Real Blog, New York!

I'd watch.

Blog on

Posted by: Lori at November 15, 2004 03:36 PM

so happy for you, fish! to be published and in the times no less. nicely done :)

completely OT:
are you going to be posting pics from morocco? are there any that CAN be posted? :)

Posted by: erica at November 15, 2004 04:32 PM

dear Fish,

Nice article. Rock on. And, with that, i'm back to lurking for another eon. :)

Posted by: liz at November 15, 2004 04:45 PM

Congrats H, on the excellent article. It was Blogtastic. You are missed back in C-Bridge.

Posted by: IRB at November 15, 2004 04:46 PM

Just finished your article in Sunday's NYT.

Okay, I realize it was in the Styles section which is the official ghetto for People Who Have Nothing Better To Do And Plenty Of Time In Which To Do It, but your jejune and solipsistic blatherings made the usual SundayStyles fare read like the autobiography of Theresa of Avila. I guess your tone could have been a _little_ more "Oh jeepers, Dear Diary, I think Dreamy Todd really, REALLY likes me!", but I'm not sure how...maybe if the Times had had the technical capacity to print your bleating in pink with little hearts to crown each letter "i" and Cupid's arrows to cross each "t".

Now, if you choose to air your middle-school obsessions on your site, that is, of course, entirely between you and your clutch of readers. However, to commit these same mewlings to the irrevocable black-and-white of the national press betrays a disturbing need to inflict--and rather brutally at that--your mealy anxieties on an unsuspecting readership. At any rate, take comfort in the fact that, no matter how dreary your navelgazing or insipid your insights, there are apparently scores of visitors to your site whose own lives are so blighted as to find yours fascinating. Best regards.

Posted by: the sobsister at November 15, 2004 05:14 PM

Um, wow. That last one was one of the most pathetic bunches of sour grapes I've read. Congrats, Fish, on a nice article, and on provoking such envious bile.

Posted by: Mark at November 15, 2004 05:39 PM

Word up on the sours, Mark. But I love it when commenters wear their pointy hats in public.

Fish, late congrats: I missed the hard copy of your piece and just read it online. Well done! In some ways I wish my life were still that complicated, and in others, well, I'm glad that phase went its merry way. I'm content to leave my public face on the blog, and to keep the private one close to the heart.

Posted by: Linus at November 15, 2004 06:41 PM

Actually, Mark, that was a very sharply done piece of condescension. Brava, sobsistah. But, in the case that you were unaware, allow me to point out, there is a surfeit of dreary navelgazing and insipid insight and, you forgot! abject self-absorption - in national publications and, alors! everywhere.

This is the new new/i>, even though it's actually not that new.

Did not the Fish write engagingly about the topic? Or perhaps you failed to notice the connection between the column's title, "Modern Love," and the subject, meblog a trois (if I may be so bold as to invent silly words under your baleful gaze).

Your disapprovement might sting were it not for the ridiculous "best regards" with which you try to rescue your burp of rage. For you obviously do not intend to transmit your best regards. Perhaps you meant to say, Good DAY. As in, and good DAY to YOU, TOO, madam.

Still, nicely worded. Have you thought of writing a blog?

Fish - I'm more curious about the ethical struggles in using the Internet to stalk (used casually here) current and ex-lovers. Especially when we hear so many citizens decrying the federal government's encroaching upon our personal privacy. (Yes, yes... bloggers forego some entitlement to privacy or put themselves out there as anonymous puzzles to be figured out, since it is always a possibility.)

Anyway, it IS interesting to read strangers' journals and to find out they had been or started to or are dating or whatever. I don't know why it is (interesting), just that it is.

Or maybe I should just get a life. Heh.

Posted by: ether at November 15, 2004 06:57 PM

Holy shit! Did I just write "disapprovement"-? Ack!

(Note to self: Proof-read BEFORE posting. Dammit.)

Posted by: ether at November 15, 2004 07:01 PM

congratulations, heather! i'm so proud. it's a very well written article and an excellent story.

also, a technical writer? we share the same misery.

Posted by: julia at November 15, 2004 07:08 PM

that is one killer article, but i can't believe you are still friends with that guy. he sounds like such a narcissist.

Posted by: caring friend at November 15, 2004 08:33 PM

Fish may not be Proust or Lessing (who is one of the best writers of the last century bar on the subject of male-female relations) but she isn't a tabloid writer either. I thought the article well-written and entertaining and was thankful that it had very little to do with Benjamin whose entries didn't win him an admirer in this reader. Was he honest? Who cares. He's mundane and full of himself - an embarrassing combo in any individual of any adult age. The best I can say about Benjamin is that he appears to have all the charm of a The OC show character.

Posted by: Katherine at November 15, 2004 11:42 PM

I, like tons of others apparently, found you through Gothamist/NY Times. Just wanted to let you know that I really liked your post. It's nice to know that there are others who've gone through the gnawing need to know through blogs and have come out on the other side of not reading everything you to which you have access.

Posted by: alcestis at November 16, 2004 09:21 AM

Dang, a very similar thing happened to a friend of mine recently - though she's not a blogger, her new dating buddy gave her the link to his live journal. I immediately realized what an incredible opportunity to stalk this was, and promptly began reading his and his previous girlfriend's blogs. Which is how I found out before my friend that her boy had asked her out the day after breaking up with his ex, and was totally still in love with the ex and pining away over her...I was as gentle as possible but eventually my pal read the page herself and was, fortunately or unfortunately, entirely prepared when he announced his reunion with the ex. (Luckily, both Boy and Ex's live journals also provided insight into how lame they are, so it was no great loss for my best girl).

Posted by: Girlie so Groovie at November 16, 2004 03:26 PM

Congrats on your publishing! The New York Times - that is incredible. What a great place to see your name in print. You deserve it, girl. Oh, of course, it was fabulous, by the way.

Congratulations!

Posted by: Tara at November 16, 2004 05:11 PM

Good work Heather!! Great article and well done for resisting the temptation to investigate SmugontheUWS further (or at least, for not admiting it in public eh!!) ;)

Posted by: racheblue at November 16, 2004 06:17 PM

Albeit belated, congratulations.

Posted by: AlterEgo at November 16, 2004 09:23 PM

boy, you've got your commentors well-trained, haven't you?

Posted by: queenofno at November 16, 2004 10:51 PM

A fascinating, existential read. I came upon the article first and then your blog. Consider yourself bookmarked! Thank you!

Posted by: Seshu at November 16, 2004 11:44 PM

Oi! Got to you from Stephanie's blog. Also read the Times article. It really is an incestuous business, this web log freakshow. Just got here, so I have lots of catching up to do. Look forward to reading some of your "stuff." Yes, yet another reader courtesy of the Times (or, really, SK).

Posted by: Robotnik at November 17, 2004 11:20 AM

I don't generally engage trolls, but sobsister, well, she doesn't actually rise to the level of troll on this one. I just wanted to point out that someone who berates Styles for being "the official ghetto for People Who Have Nothing Better To Do And Plenty Of Time In Which To Do It" has wasted so much time in Creating Capitalized Phrases To Show Off that she neglected to realize that she is one of those people with nothing to do--she obviously reads the section pretty thoroughly every freakin' week. And the snide little obscurities and denigrating adjectives--of which I am certain she doesn't know the full meanings--obviously peg her as a failed writer, not to mention a pretty lonely person.

To all of this, I say nevermind, though, and I simply put up what we say to all trolls: Don't like it, don't spend time on it.

Fish, excellent work.

Posted by: New Blue Shoe at November 17, 2004 11:43 AM

I think you are the bees knees and I am so proud of you for being in the NY Times. Fabulous piece. Finally someone who's not afraid to say how she really feels! Bravo!

Posted by: Carrie at November 17, 2004 01:35 PM