I decided to take advantage of last night’s unseasonably mild weather and walk home. I should do that more often. My brain has been zoo lately. Maybe not a zoo. Maybe a mall parking lot at Christmas. Or the post office on tax day. Whatever. You get the idea: mass confusion.
And not that my forty-four block walk improved my state of mind any, but the air felt nice and the sky was purple. It was pleasant. Yoga was also pleasant. I made it a whole forty-eight minutes before I got completely ADD, tumbled out of side plank position and decided to spend the rest of the evening sitting around in my underwear eating cheese. If I owned a television, I’d have sat around in my underwear, eating cheese and watching reruns of The Patty Duke Show. Those wacky identical cousins!
I haven’t been feeling much like myself lately. I miss my friends, but groups of people over say, five or six make me uncharacteristically anxious and so instead I spend far too much time laying on my bed listening to last year’s depressing albums and thinking thoughts like, “Man, I really don’t feel like myself.”
(Funny how much that feels like girls' camp.)
I turn my phone on silent so I won’t have to answer. I think my mother assumes this is special to her calls and thus I am plagued with mopey-sounding messages about how she just wants to hear my cheery voice and, am I avoiding her? How much do those voicemails make me want to call her back? It’s like American Express calling with a special offer. Oh God, don’t care. At least American Express tries to entice you by being peppy.
Speaking of peppy, maybe I should resolve to drink more coffee. I mean, if that doesn’t work, I’m seriously thinking of taking a year off to go in search of my identical cousin. There’s oodles of pep in having one of those.
Posted by This Fish at January 4, 2005 10:59 AMFish, I'm sure I'm not your identical cousin but sometimes your posts hit so close to home that its eerie.
I haven't been feeling like myself either. I think fond thoughts about my friends but can't summon up the energy to call or e-mail them.
Posted by: akaellen at January 4, 2005 11:51 AMcall it after-holiday slump, or just typical late-20's-early-30's female anxiety... join the club. :) I love reading your posts by the way... hang in there and eat more cheese. Oh! And have a holiday martini before they're gone!
Posted by: megan at January 4, 2005 12:05 PMMax your credit card in a warm place.
Posted by: b at January 4, 2005 12:24 PMJust started reading you, and I have to confess that I have a bit of friend crush on you.
Hang in there!
Posted by: Megan at January 4, 2005 12:36 PMMaybe you could smack Goldner again? That seemed to cheer you up last time.
Posted by: NEIN at January 4, 2005 12:46 PMI spent 15 years or so without a TV, and a friend who had had it with me gave me the whole kaboodle in December '03: TV, VCR, DVD player. My solution to the whole conundrum was to get the TV and the DVD player talking and then to skip cable, so basically there's nothing to receive except uninterrupted movies. In fact, I'm not even sure how to set the TV to try to receive TV, and I don't want to know.
Highly recommended. But I'm not really supposed to eat cheese.
I still haven't hooked up the VCR.
Posted by: Linus at January 4, 2005 12:52 PMI feel for ya! hang in there. in a few weeks those post holiday blues will be a thing of the past.
Posted by: Rafael at January 4, 2005 01:52 PMI hear that! And I'm pleased that someone suggested it's a 20something female thing to recall friendships fondly but experience anxiety over being in social settings nonetheless. At the moment, I'm chalking it up to SAD (seasonal affective disorder, I think) and planning a trip to the tanning booth for some light therapy since I cannot afford one to Aruba.
Posted by: Forest at January 4, 2005 03:02 PMI'm with ya, Fish. Holiday blues? I don't know. But I've been feeling like someone else lately. Someone who's not so nice. Someone's who quick to be annoyed with EVERY freakin' person on the planet.
Altho I do have a Sephora order that's scheduled to be delivered today. I love coming home to packages! I may have to lock myself in the bathroom tonight and re-arrange things to make room for my new stuff whilst the boys watch feetball. Yea, that's the ticket.
Posted by: GrumpyBunny at January 4, 2005 03:22 PMDo you even KNOW how much I'd give to sit and watch feetball? And maybe even eat lots of wings and only use one napkin?
I wish I knew more sport-fascinated boys.
Posted by: Fish at January 4, 2005 03:27 PMWatch the cheese. Too much and you may never poop again. Poop, poop. Reading too much Dooce.
Believe it or not I am a boy and I too suffer from the situation you speak of. I think its great that I consciously know what I do when I'm depressed only makes matters worse, like isolating myself, but it's so damn comfortable and I'm so fucking tired of late.
I don't know about you, but where I am the sun hasn't shown for what feels like weeks. I'm considering going to the sketchy massage parlor next to where I work and use their tanning beds. Who knows what else would happen for a few extra bucks. Or, I could just stick my head in an easy bake oven.
sigh. . .
Anyway I agree with the comment that said a mild act of violence may act as relief. I wanna break stuff.
Posted by: Jimmy C. at January 4, 2005 04:03 PMIf I weren't in Michigan where the sky has been a calming (make that annoying) shade of gray for the last 2 days, I would organize a new year's type sun-fest. Something involving tanning appointments at a spa, facials, manicures, pedicures, new makeup and hairdos, lunch, drinks and shopping for groups of no more than 5..... (sigh!)
Since I can't, I will just think pleasant thoughts and wish you a happy new year. :)
Posted by: lawyerchik1 at January 4, 2005 04:18 PMI second the Holiday Martini idea.
Posted by: Robotnik at January 4, 2005 05:11 PMeven when it's unseasonably warm like is has been recently, i call this the "mid-winter blues" and i think everyone goes through it in some form. and sometimes, a whole day of staring at the wall is what you need.
Posted by: Anna at January 5, 2005 01:31 AMYes, yes indeed. The Holiday Martini idea coupled with Staring at the Wall All Day is brilliant.
Posted by: Robotnik at January 5, 2005 07:42 AMre: "sport-fascinated boys."
Sorry, fish, I'm taken, but you can still come over any time for greasy fried cheese-curds, cheap beer and no napkins!
Posted by: The other Fish at January 5, 2005 09:46 AMSometimes a girl just has to switch her phone onto silent and prance around her apartment in her underwear! :) I don't eat cheese though I eat pineapple. I once worked my way through five in less than a week. That's a lot of underwear prancing. ;)
Posted by: AdventureGirl at January 5, 2005 12:04 PM