It used to be that each time I passed Loud Larry’s office, I would learn something new about the world. One day it was a lesson on tolerance as Loud Larry screamed, ‘He’s homosexual. And there’s nothing wrong with that!” into his cell phone. Another time it was, “Even rich people get cancer.” Damn. There goes my prevent-an-early-death investment plan.
Sometimes, I think Loud Larry must be God himself. Oh, the things he knows!
These days, because of an office shuffle, I sit very, very close to Larry. I don’t have to take sporadic trips to the fax machine to garner wisdom (and snag a peak at a really bad hairpiece) anymore; all I gotta do is show up to work. Although, lately, Larry’s got fewer sage sayings and much, much more complaining to do.
“I couldn’t sit! I was in agony!”
And that was the beginning of Loud Larry’s tale of penile discomfort. One botched surgery and Larry was an unhappy fellow. I'll omit the details.
One afternoon as Kate and I were sitting in Central Park, nursing scalding hot chocolate, a handful of people took the bench next to us. They began talking. VERY loudly. Reminded of Loud Larry, I started to tell Kate about the office Wiseman. I spoke in low tones, telling her about his phone rants and ridiculous sayings, and was soon overpowered by our new neighbors.
“Well, Larry said…”
I stopped talking and stared at Kate as the voice continued. It spoke of Larry, providing details about his girlfriend (who I hear about all the time. Did you guys know she works on BROADWAY? Oh yes. She’s very important) and Larry’s Rabbi (who is often the object of Larry’s rants on penile troubles).
Kate and I eventually gathered our wits and wandered off wondering if the louds just flock together. I can’t imagine what their cocktail parities are like. They’re probably held in soundproof vaults –
This just in! Loud Larry says, “Who will ever know the truth?”
A wiser man there has never been.
hilarious. i love office personalities. i have a "hacky" and a "chompy" that i sit very close to. hacky has smoked for about 50 years and chompy is ALWAYs eating pork rhinds or ice cubes. at least you learn things from loud larry. :)
Posted by: red at January 12, 2005 03:49 PMAny chance Larry has a hearing problem?
Posted by: Lex at January 12, 2005 04:40 PMNope. He simply has a personality problem.
Posted by: Fish at January 12, 2005 04:46 PMI could kill to have office personalities to eavesdrop on. No one says anything interesting or controvercial around me. It's quite boring..
Posted by: writersbloc gal at January 12, 2005 04:50 PMIf only the Cone of Silence REALLY worked. I'd want one at work too.
I used to sit next to this guy who's always making up songs and of course singing them. Pretending his desk is a drum set - along with his sound effects of Ratta Tat Tat.
Now - also due to office shuffle, I sit catty-corner from him and my new next door neighbor is a Loud. I just got off the phone with a vendor. I couldn't hear him. I had to keep asking him to repeat himself. Why?
Because Loud Jerk was also on the phone. Trying to sound impressive. He used to sit about 3 cubes away and I would only hear him when he was taking a business call. Funny how when he was on the phone with wife or daughter, couldn't hear a peep outta him...
Posted by: GrumpyBunny at January 12, 2005 04:51 PMI'm so fucking glad I don't work.
Posted by: Robotnik at January 12, 2005 05:57 PMMy "Larry" used to always give unsavory details of his wife's sexual organs, or pontificate on his and his wife's sexual travails. Also, he'd ALWAYS say:
"You know my wife, she's JAPANESE."
I hate work.
Posted by: Robotnik at January 12, 2005 05:59 PMThe older women in my family, most of whom have since shuffled off the mortal coil, were loud-talkers...and thing about a group of them is they all like to talk at once, and not usually to each other. The environment, I can only liken to the bird house at any zoo.
Posted by: Mike at January 12, 2005 06:10 PMyou know the people with whom i work...I think your Larry fits in quite well with some of my office clowns.
Also, why is it that the world is that small? I go to Manhattan to escape people, and what ends up happening? I bump into them in Soho. gack!
Posted by: S at January 12, 2005 08:14 PMSomeone definitely, definitely had BO at my office today. Sad thing is that we are all sharing stories about adults.
Posted by: PLD at January 12, 2005 10:43 PMYou're mocking us, aren't you fish? What you're really saying is that 'Larry' is within each of us, that we're all in agony, that we each want to know the truth.
I don't know about the rest of you, but tomorrow when I go to work, I'm letting 'Larry' out.
Posted by: brando at January 12, 2005 10:58 PMthat is a great post, even if you are beautiful.
Posted by: anonymous at January 13, 2005 01:41 AMI would like to take Larry bowling. I might abandon him there, without telling him. But I would like to give us the chance to be best friends.
Can one bowl with "penile discomfort"?
Posted by: truecraig at January 13, 2005 10:19 AMi wish i had somebody like larry to keep my entertained at work...ahh well, atleast i have your blog
Posted by: amit at January 13, 2005 11:10 AMLOVE your stories! Thanks for the laughs -- AND the shared "wisdom."
Posted by: Principessa at January 13, 2005 12:09 PMThanks for the laugh...
I'm glad I ran across your site!
This is why I come here. Great story.
Posted by: Michael R at January 13, 2005 06:41 PMDammit! Now I've got "Loud Larry" stuck in my head to the tune of "Proud Mary". Big wheel a-keep on turning/Loud Larry keep on burnin'...
im thinking lesiure suit larry talks to your breasts?
Posted by: anonymous at January 13, 2005 11:57 PMYou don't have the Loud Stuttering Lady at your office. She's the bane of my existence. She also goes by Fax Machine Nazi.
Posted by: Miss Know It All at January 14, 2005 11:11 AMHa RED. I almost laughed out loud in my DEAD office when I read your post.
I despise people who talk loud...especially people who think that they have to talk even louder because they're on a cell. UGH
Posted by: ali at January 14, 2005 11:35 AMOh. My. God. Loud Larry garnering a spot in Fishy Land! The bad hairpiece, the wrinkled Broadway bimbo girlfriend and even the penile discomfort (oh WHY did I have to learn of this?!?!) all there in black and white... Thanks for the laugh, girl.
Can you do one on the Atlanta Tramps next time? Huh, huh, please?! ;)
Posted by: whirlygurly at January 14, 2005 01:24 PMUh, Robotnik. Did we forget something? I'll give you a clue. It starts with F.
Posted by: Plantation at January 15, 2005 05:39 PM