I try to refrain from writing when I am either drunk or crying, which, if you think about it, is precisely when I should. You get more interesting (read: scandalous) entries that way. Back in the day, it seems every other entry was the product of vodka or tears. Give a girl a few months of careless drinking, pair it with a seemingly doomed relationship and you’ve got yourself some ill-advised, but captivating blogging.
I don’t do that anymore. Not exactly. I mean, right now, I’m tipsy. Which is not the same thing as drunk. A million thoughts are going through my head, and if you’ll indulge me, I’ll just drop them here as they come. I do believe it’s called, stream of consciousness, and if HD Thoreau (or whomever), can get away with a whole book of this crap, I can certainly put it in my own blog.
I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. Bi-op-sy. Another one.
I should have told the PWSWM, but I didn’t. I didn’t want them to do the thing they would absolutely, without fail do, and give me a giant’s portion of sympathy.
I have a hard time with sympathy. It makes me feel vulnerable.
I told B. He tried to get me to take off work, get a mani/pedi. His treat.
I almost typed out mani/pedi because I get self-conscious that the trolls – those who read the site with the sole and express purpose of finding something to criticize – would say, “mani/pedi, how chick lit of you.” Well, fuck you. Because, if you really want to see me as simplistic and shallow, go right on ahead. I’m busy having shit carved out of my body.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes. In one year. Loved stupidly. It makes me cagey.
I dated a man who owned a sex swing. A SEX SWING. Jesus.
I’m reading this looking for squiggly lines that mean I’ve misspelled. Tipsy, remember?
I smell my date on my clothes, which is nice. He is nice. Doubtful he owns a sex swing.
I should be sleeping.
Sometimes, I stay up, hoping my sister will call. That’s what I’m doing now.
Sir Hal is making noise in the bathroom and I swear to the God of helpless kittens, if he’s chewing on my toothbrush (again) and I have to go to Duane Reade in the middle of the night to replace it (again) I will shave him bald and set him out on the curb.
I need to take my old bedframe out to the curb. But it’s heavy.
And I need to go to Ikea and buy bedside tables.
I make lists of these things when real-life, important issues are pressing in on my chest and I start to lose perspective. Lists are good for that. Functional. Practical.
I’m surprised, in a good way, that people bought so many shirts. I love it. I want to run into someone wearing one at the gym (if I went to a gym) or in the park and then give them noogies for being so cool.
When Shiv gets married in England this summer, I think I will stay in Europe for a while. I don’t know how long so don’t ask and if you work with me, shut UP and don’t tell my boss.
Italy. I want to go to Italy. Where they LOVE to eat. And relax.
GRE. MFA. NYU. 2006.
I’ve been sad lately for little reasons that add up into one big reason to stay in bed too long.
When I’m sad, I want someone to buy me coffee and not ask too many questions.
I think I’ll talk to my sister tomorrow, because I typed the word bed and suddenly, I just want to be in smooth sheets, under three down comforters (the heat in my apartment is… wonky) and kicking around for the cold spots.
I'm going to be slightly hungover.
What are you getting your MFA in? Did I miss a post? I haven't been reading your blog for very long.
Posted by: trisha ann at March 10, 2005 11:34 PMStream of cconsciousness = good
Not feeling = bad
Good luck with the biop tomorrow. :)
Chin up because you are a girl who will triumph. Have a nice sleep.
Posted by: AdventureGirl at March 10, 2005 11:37 PMdrunky drunky drunky drunk
I have impeccable spelling when I'm tipsy. How bout you? Do you cheat much with spell check?
Posted by: Jack at March 10, 2005 11:44 PMFish,
I know what you mean about sympathy. I haven't told anyone what's going on with me (or even blogged about it) because I can't stand the way that people look at you differently--like you're made of finely spun glass or cheap tissue paper (I like the first simile a helluva lot better). I wish you strength, courage, and peace. I will say a prayer for you...
Take care of you, and the twits who have nothing better to do than tear you down have no self esteem and are mean spirited, so the heck with them.
My kitten Eliot (of TS fame) chews everything--and runs with pencils from my kid's pencil case in his mouth. He's gonna poke his eye out...
Scratch Sir Hal for me...
Take care!
Rachel
I feel you, Fish. I had the dreaded cervical/breast-cancer-scare myself these past few months. Pretending that nothing's wrong is a tremendous burden-- unload as much of that burden as you can on the people that love you. They'll be there for you; don't be a hero.
Good luck, girl. You've got thousands of people out there pulling for you. And enjoy the mani/pedi; I went with a hair cut and some new clothes from H&M, but trust me, doing something good for yourself helps.
-LG
Posted by: lucid grrl at March 11, 2005 12:27 AMWhat on earth is a sex swing?
Posted by: ilAn at March 11, 2005 02:00 AMThe funny thing is when people come down on you for what you're writing. I'm sure you don't really care, really, because it's not about appeasing, but expressing. You share, we eat, and for some it's like a big bowl of blood cubes. Who says you have to be for everyone? I urge you to tipsy-drink around the spell check, let it out with warts and salacious smirks and pus, and... what am I saying? Nothing. Bon courage, don't worry about the asswipes of the world, and if you're going to order something, it might as well be tasty.
Posted by: ran at March 11, 2005 03:44 AMI like this post. I don't like the way you are feeling and hope you feel better when you wake up, but it sounds like your old voice from back in the days when you were still annonymous. Don't get me wrong, I love all of your writing on here, but there are two very distinct styles and this one just hasn't come out in a while. I think I relate to you more in this voice, it's more real, less super-fish*. I realize you are a normal girl who is just really good at expressing things and taking note of the little things that pass most people by.
* Super-fish being the character that I think of when imagining you in more of a fictional way. Super-powered, celebrity blogger, ny socialite, at all the cool bars, with all the cute boys... make sense? (not saying I don't like that character at all, and totally understand why she has to be the lead most of the time)
Posted by: elise at March 11, 2005 04:36 AMHang in there, H. It's gonna be OK. Really.
Posted by: Lex at March 11, 2005 06:16 AMtipsy posts are the best. love, love mani/pedis
Posted by: reality at March 11, 2005 07:54 AMI had to have a biopsy in the nether regions when I was 17. After they still found abnormal cells, the doctors sent me for Cryotherapy. That's where they freeze your cervix. Apparently it's not done anynore. I remember having to wear pany liners because of the defrosting. Everything turned out alright. Don't know why I feel I can share that with total strangers, but I did. Take care and good luck.
Posted by: Lisa at March 11, 2005 08:26 AMwow that's some blog entry. it almost made me want to buy one of your shirts. i hope when you're feeling better you come to your senses and decide to apply to a better school than NYU.
Posted by: mon at March 11, 2005 08:27 AMOhhh fish. Ignore the haters. Plan your trip for the summer. Give yourself something to REALLY look forward to. Make sure you go to Italy (the BEST place on earth) and give yourself 5 days in Cinque Terre, book a crappy little apartment overlooking the water in Riomaggiore where you can spend those 5 days sunning yourself on the rocks, rolling into the mediterranean to cool yourself off, drinking wine and walking trails. I've got pics & deets if you're interested...
Posted by: adrianne at March 11, 2005 08:28 AMFor a bad read, see my attempt at commenting while tipsy on Paul Frankenstein's site yesterday.
-Diana
I would have posted a link but still don't know how. My daughter has promised to show me.
We can all relate I'm sure, I dont think there is anyone who has it all going on, all at the same time, there is always something. I myself have to
have some tooth work done. Very soon because it prevents me frome eating certain things and it hurts, but I dont like going to the dentist but I know I have too. I been putting it off for a long time but now I know I really have to go.
And i'm sure we can all relate to drunk writing too, I have a full box of letters that I written while I was really drunk. I'm apprehensive to go back and read what I wrote so I havent gone back to read any of the letters.
This may come off trite but we're all in the same fishbowl..lol
Good luck with the bi-op-sy, Fish. I got my t-shirt last night - it looks great! - and I'm going to buy another one to support your mani/pedi need until you get good news!! :) Happy Friday and good luck with the tests....
Posted by: lawyerchik1 at March 11, 2005 09:08 AMi'm a hater? says you.
Posted by: mon at March 11, 2005 09:09 AMon behalf of the PWSWM, yes miss fish, you should have told us. but we can understand why you didn't. good luck today, and remember we're here if you need anything.
Posted by: shivery at March 11, 2005 09:10 AMMon:
I do believe that comment was in reference to the Trolls in the post; not your comment about NYU. I doubt any of us really cares about your university preferences enough to call you a hater. At least I don't.
Do please use a consistent (and real) email address. House rules.
MFA! Excellent. Good luck. :)
Posted by: frog at March 11, 2005 09:26 AMgood luck with your biopsy
Posted by: ak at March 11, 2005 09:33 AMWhat a lovely, thoughtful, honest post. Wishing you well Fish. I hope things go well today.
Posted by: andrea at March 11, 2005 09:40 AMI like stream of conciousness fish.
I once had a biopsy when I was 19, breast cancer runs so rampant in the family that I might as well just chop them both off pronto.
Yes- but did you TRY the swing?
Your current date may not have any filatial contraptions but HE PROBABLY HAS DEAD CATS IN HIS FREEZER.
Goodness, girl, forget the friggin bedside tables.
Italy- YES, I want to go TOO. We have so much in common.
The GRE is a BITCH. Are you sure?? Plan LOTS of napping time after the test- and skip work that day.
Posted by: Ms Koolaid at March 11, 2005 09:50 AMI studied abroad at NYU in Florence and LOVED it. Florence is such a great city, particularly when it comes to finding yourself. Tuscan wine is such a great catalyst for that... particularly when paired with the great Italian formaggi... and prosciutto...
Sounds to me like you've got a lot going on right now. Good luck with everything - and please raise a glass of wine for me while in Italy!
Posted by: Caitlinator at March 11, 2005 09:52 AMHope everything is okay. You'll have lots of people thinking about you.
As for Italy, my husband and I did northern Italy last spring (Venice, Tuscany and Florence, and Rome) and we're going back with friends this June for Capri, the Amalfi Coast, and Sicily. I have lots of great recommendations if you are interested...
Posted by: Jenny at March 11, 2005 10:08 AMOh my little guppy... now I feel even worse for missing your call last night. Got plans today? After I work two jobs we will get coffee no questions asked, my treat. And as there are no questions being asked, I request that you paint a strange design on your face or somesuch eyecatcher. So I have something to stare at. Kisses.
Posted by: Ari at March 11, 2005 10:11 AMFish,
You're extraordinary. Truly. A beautiful writer, a funny and interesting and captivating voice. My thoughts are with you today.
~Elizabeth
Posted by: elizabeth at March 11, 2005 10:13 AMlurve ya fish! i'm thinking good thoughts for you today! and i'm super excited about your plans to go to school! i looked at the mfa program at nyu in creative writing and had wanted to apply, but the timing and moving costs (practicalities!) were all wrong for me. i would love to buy you a drink or a pint of ice cream and chat--and i'll be there 19-26! thanks for being the darling, brave you that you are! in solidarity of the mani/pedi life...
Posted by: sassylittlepunkin at March 11, 2005 10:23 AMoh, i love stream fish. what a great post. wishing you well today - and i hope you have coffee and comfortable silence with one of your awesome friends.
p.s. i'm wearing my shirt today - it's "casual friday" at the office. i look super cool, and had a man hit on me in the elevator because of it. thank you! :-)
Posted by: red at March 11, 2005 10:47 AMwishing you the best! Sometimes I think our emotinal cycles are running parallel as often what you write is relevant to what I am feeling. However I don't have the biopsy worry on top of all the rest. Good thoughts coming your way.
I like your stream of consciousness.
Posted by: panajane at March 11, 2005 11:25 AMLove the insight.
Posted by: Sara at March 11, 2005 11:30 AM'Steam' of consciousness - the thoughts which gently rise when you're slightly hotheaded?
Sorry - I'm an awful grammar/spelling nazi at times.
Markham
Posted by: Markham at March 11, 2005 11:30 AMSo much to say....but don't know how to say it. I honestly hope things turn around for you and the sad posts will be few and far between. Take care of yourself, Fish.
Your next post should be about the sex swing...you know we all want the details on that ;)
Posted by: MsOktober at March 11, 2005 12:14 PMwhat size should i buy? i'm just a regular sized girl, not big but *NOT* skinnytinyreallythin. like a medium baby tee? i don't want sleeves that just cover the shoulder...i want them to come down about four inches or so. whatcha think? can i return it if it doesn't fit? IWANTASHIRTIWANNABEHITONBYAGUY!!!
Posted by: RazDreams at March 11, 2005 12:15 PMWhat would you do if you DID run into a total stranger in one of your t-shirts? I've seen people reading one of my books before and I was too freaked out to say anything to them.
Posted by: Robert at March 11, 2005 01:40 PMNo-questions-asked-coffee is the sweetest tasting of all. Sadly, I am usually stuck with vending-machine-coffee. Sounds like Ari's going to take care of you nicely, though.
if you work with me, shut UP and don’t tell my boss
Ahem, I'm gonna assume that comment was not made for this co-worker. ;)
Posted by: whirlygurly at March 11, 2005 02:40 PMThis was an awesome post Fish. Hang in there, and we'll hang in there with you.
Posted by: Robin Alexa at March 11, 2005 04:01 PMHope the biopsy went well and you're feeling okay... thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed. In the meantime, my prescription is to curl up in bed for a lazy day with a good book or a good movie, and the only reason to get out of bed will be for a bubble bath. Feel well.
Posted by: jill at March 11, 2005 09:43 PMSorry I've been unable to check your blog. It usually is a good idea to refrain from posting while under the influence of alcohol. I learned that same lesson a while ago, except it was pot insteat of alcohol. Keep posting!
frankendick.blogspot.com
Zach
Posted by: Zach Barger at March 11, 2005 11:32 PMYou are so un-fake! I mean, so honest and true.
I write my feelings and thoughts from the moment a lot. Especially when I stuck from thinking too much.
i had a cervical biopsy a few years back after they found abnormal cells...i was in a complete mess...i know how you might be feeling...
i wish you all the best...
*hugs*
Posted by: Katya Coldheart at March 12, 2005 07:41 AMThere are so many things it's wise Not to do when drunk or tipsy. And yet, they seem like they're the right thing to do at the time. I just made a totally gin and tonic induced post on my blog. It's sort of embarassing and sort of liberating at the same time. Not that I want to brag about it...
Posted by: provincial lady at March 12, 2005 01:13 PMSilly girl, just stop brushing your teeth!
No toothbrush means no more kitty vs toothbrush problems. Stay warm, I hear it's cold there in New York.
Ps.
To trisha anne: MFA=Master of Fine Arts :)
What if I bring you coffee, instead of only buying it for you?
Posted by: anonymous at March 12, 2005 04:20 PMSo much going on; you miss a couple of days and you're completely lost.
Biopsy? Really fucking sucky. Sending good vibes your way...ohm...
MFA? In writing, mayhaps? I'm jealous. I want one, but I live in a cultural wasteland and not one of the universities here offers it. Kick the GRE's ass, baby. One of us should get that MFA.
Date? A nice date? With no sex swing? Got you tipsy? He sounds lovely to me. I haven't been on a date in...almost 14 years. *sigh*
Good stuff, bad stuff. I hope the good stuff wins. And, no, I'm not drunk. Really.
Posted by: Megan at March 12, 2005 05:07 PMLove your writing, Fish. Tipsy or not ;-)
Posted by: Jen at March 13, 2005 04:39 AMAwww Fish..... good luck with the biopsy - I'm affirming a good result for ya. And hey, drunk writing is pretty good too mkay? Chin up sweets.
Posted by: KJB at March 14, 2005 09:08 AMwhat if i make it Seattle's Best?
Posted by: anonymous at March 14, 2005 11:55 AMHey, maybe you can sell the biopsy on ebay and make enough money to go to Italy!
Sorry, the only thing I'm good at in times of trial are inappropriate comments. I wish I knew you well enough to know if you appreciated them. I also wish I knew you well enough to totally ignore your problems because I can do that, too.
In any case, I would recommend selling it under the title "bit of booby" because that will definitely draw in the buyers.