This Fish Needs A Bicycle

Good grief, that was heart-rending. I'm at work and a toughguy boy and you nearly made me cry. This is why I come here every day. Thanks

I feel like that about my niece. Like my heart will explode if she smiles at me. Thank you.

"I cannot imagine what it must be like to be a parent."

And yet, you describe it so well. If only a few more parents knew what it must be like to be the caregiver sibling.

I helped my two parents raise my two little brothers the best I knew how. I know it's a weird feeling to get when you're only twenty-years-old but I still get the odd spark of fatherly pride when I watch them growing up.

Can't wait till I have minions of my own. That would be interesting.

I met my daughter when she was eight, and I suppose that makes me a different kind of parent, but that helpless, heart-in-mouth feeling when you watch them grow up, fall down, and live is overpowering.

And I wouldn't give it up for the world...

wow, that was a bit intense. I really hope this wasn't a recent event, and that she is doing better now.

brando said it all. you know.
and aaron was right. this is why i come here.

You'll make a helluva mom someday, should you so choose. Without having been a parent, you GET it. I go rummaging around in my head for comparisons, and all I can come up with is "The Red Badge of Courage," written by a guy who'd never been to war.

Wow! that was intense, beautiful and sad all at the same time. Someday you'll make a great parent, but for now, I think you make a fabulous sister.

Love is indeed a beautiful thing. To be create a portrait of that love with words is a wonderful thing. Beautifully done Miss Fish.

Mother-love is all-consuming. You have this little person who looks to you as his/her world. Every need, every hurt, every victory is somehow felt by you, too. When your child is sick, you wonder how you can have the strength to deal with things, but you do. When she's happy you feel as if your heart will explode. When you watch her sleep, you know that there is a God because I truly believe no one who considers the wonder of a child is an atheist.

Sometimes you feel like you lose part of your identity as a mother--you become Mom and not the "you" that begot her. That can be frustrating, as somtimes the responsibility is. However, I often think that we get to influence them for such a short time.

I'm a single Mother, so I am often frustrated and stressed. I miss the me that was carefree, and I enjoy reading your site because you sometimes speak of fun times. I also come to your site for posts like this one.

What you feel for your two sisters is Mother-love, Fish.

dude,

tick tock.

nice post.

23 is a good age, but I was thinking more like 30 for my own three heart squeezers.

Fish,
You make me want to fly to NY, somehow find you, offer you a huge hug and then offer to buy you a drink...

That was absolutely amazing...
RG

Wow! Amazing writing, as usual.

Fish--a beautiful post, one of the closest to capturing what parenting love is about, without being a parent. If I had a sister, I'd want her to be like you!

But I must take exception to Rachel's comment that no one who has a child can possibly doubt the existence of God. On the contrary, as both an atheist and a mother, I find the commonly held religious belief that love of God is higher than love of man/people/humankind to be incomprehensible. My love for my child is higher than any love for a deity I could possibly imagine. It's very easy, in fact, to be both an atheist and an adoring, awe-struck parent.

I don't doubt, Rachel, that your religious views are sincere--and more power to you--but mine are equally sincere.

Thank you so much for writing this beautiful post. I went through the same things with my little sister, right down to the razor blades. Every time I saw those tracks, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. Hard. I really really hope your sister is doing better now. Thank God my little sister is.
--Love from Chanelbaby.

What a beautiful post Fish. I was absolutely moved by it. Thank you for sharing. :)
Have a wonderful weekend beautiful!

Messages like this may benefit from a NSFW moniker in the subject. Needless to say, the writing is great, and the content is heart twisting, but wow, I should have waited till after my work was done to read it.

NSFW?

I wish I could lock my twins away until they are 23 and shelter them from all the bad and terrible things in this world.

NSFW = Not safe for work

BAWLING. You are amazing!

Wow.

23? Why stop there?

Amen Alison.

This was extraordinary, Fish. Truly. Thank you. I too send good thoughts to your sister, wherever in the world she is. And to you, as magnificent a written example of a sister as any I've heard.

I'm crying at my desk. Fish, you are such a talented writer that in just a few paragraphs you can take a complete stranger to moment in time where the scene being depicted is almost palpable. Thank you for sharing your life with us. The ups and the downs are what make you human and compel your reader to check in daily.

I can only look at it from a son and brother point of view: having lost my older sister when she was just a kid, having seen my younger brother go into detox, and my sister fall deeply prone to anorexia while i went to one of the top french business schools.
For years this was arguably taboo in the family.
Today everything is different, and in hindsight my parents still did a great job bringing up their kids!

Fish-

I too enjoyed helping with younger siblings from a young age. They are now entering those teen years and facing their own struggles and fears. From friend's committing suicide, to eating disorders, to questions of faith like those brought up even in these comments. And it is my great joy to continue to guide and watch them grow. Having my own son now, I look on with great expectation for the days and trials to come. I know that they will all be worth it. Every one.

- Natalie

That was very real to me. Your words took me there for your sister. I too like Review Guru want to give you a big hug.

oh my gosh, heather. that post was heart wrenching.... in a good way. wow, thank you.

I discovered this little piece of writing while searching for meaning after the untimely death of a very close friend... I can't credit the original author, but it was written by a women who had miscarried. Your second last paragraph reminds me of it...

The agony is so great
And yet I will stand it.
Had I not loved so very much
I would not hurt so much.
But goodness knows
I would not want to diminish that precious love
By one fraction of an ounce.
I will hurt
And I will be grateful to the hurt
For it bears witness to the depth of our meanings
And for that I will be
Eternally grateful.

Oh that was sweet and heart-rending. I stayed up all night the night my little brother was brought home. I just kept looking at him and being transfixed. I was 11, and he is still my "pratice" baby, thought at 13, he would never admit it.

ummm, meant though, not thought

I really admire your work, every time I come back I see more ways that I can improve my own writing, as well as point of view sometimes, too. Keep up the wonderful work! (and thanks for answering my question about NPR ;))

Fish,

Your honest writing both vindicates and inspires me (Believe it or not, I've been in quite similar situations. I can honestly say that I know how you feel!). I too am sans children, yet have had the beautiful blessing of being both a much older sister and that special (by no merit of my own) teacher that students seem to connect with in a mother-offspring manner. Unconditional love completes us, finally makes us the person God intended for us to be. What a wonderful world this would be if we could be a little less selfish, tear down those well-built walls and love all of humanity in the same manner.

Thanks for the post. It was quite touching. You're obviously an amazingly resilient person. I'm sure your family and friends are quite grateful!

Wonderful post.

But is she okay?

okay, i'll be honest. i didn't read the whole entry. i actually haven't read your site in over a year. somehow i found my way back and noticed that you changed the name to "this fish needs a bicycle". If I were a woman that'd be my tagline. alas, i'm stuck with something different.

that's all...just pleased with the new name. kudos.

That was just so incredibly real and alive Fish. It's amazing the way you are able to put down in words the way you feel exactly. And paint us such a palpably real picture.
This is only the 2nd time I've been here. That entry was so intense i know its been said already, but I just have to say it myself.
I have a younger bro who's quite a few years younger than I am and I went thru the same emotions as you've described. And it's for that very same reason, the incredible Love I feel for him, that it hurts me so much to see how far apart we've grown in the last few years. I just keep hoping that someday he sees again that I'm there for him.
Hope you're sisters-both- are well. Keep loving Fish. Have a great weekend. You've sure touched mine.

Hey Heather excellent post. Timely in my case too. I remember being the big brother-protector to my younger sister most of our lives. She hurt, I hurt, etc . . . This past week I watched my mother and father cry as they watched their little girl tread ground in which they can not follow. Little sis is in complete denial over drug addiction and alcoholism. And I know I can't help her either. It's almost maddening. Except for the fact that my mom cried into my shoulder as I held her and I gripped my dad's shoulder as we talked. And I think that maybe little sis is one step closer to help each day. Maybe.
And for all the pain and tears I still feel grateful because I am given the opportunity to offer comfort instead of being comforted. I'm able to love instead of worrying about being loved.
It sounds like you have a pretty big heart by the way.And I agree, the gratitude and the pain of that fist over the heart is a good thing.

At the risk of yelling into the wind here, I had to comment to acknowledge that I know parents who have birthed and raised children of their very own who didn't 'get it' to the point you describe in this post. It's stunning and beautiful and truer than you may really even know.

what you wrote hits the essence of life. loving and experiencing these feelings. nothing else mathers more than this. thank you for reminding what it is all about. who cares if the pope is dead, what is my brother up to? that is what important.

That was exactly what I needed to read today. Thankyou.X

absolutely beautiful writing.

and i can relate. i have 2 brothers from both parents who are 9 years my junior. the one from my mother, considers me to be his parent. and we have lived near each other our whole lives. until march, when i moved halfway across the country, and coincidentally CLOSER to the other brother, who is now getting his turn with me.

i am raising 20 year old boys. and that is such a cool feeling to be loved like that.

oddly enough, they are as different as track star and speed freak. really.

"There are kinds of love that are freeing, and there are loves that are frightening. This, uniquely, is both."

Great post. I agree, sometimes it really hurts to love people. You care about them more than you care about yourself. But I guess it's a trade off for the elation you feel when you get to experience joy along with them.

Wow! I have never really wanted to have children. But that was moving. More alive because of it, huh? (Even though you weren't the mom.) Sounds interesting.

What an amazing journey. I am the oldest of five and can relate to the love you speak about for your sisters. I have two little ones of my own now. I wrote this kind of about them. http://1womensjourney.blogspot.com/2005/03/kisses-from-heaven.html
Sorry about the self-plug, it is not intentionally meant that way. Just want to share the other side of the fence which you already have a good idea about.

That was really awesome.

I am a first time auntie since not even two weeks ago!! There is an ocean seperating me and my new niece, but I can't wait to see her.

Great post!

Nice essay. My heart goes out to you and your family. Cutting is a beyond-scary thing. I hope your sister learns how not to abuse herself, for her sake and yours. I like how you've connected love to the body with the physical sensation of squeezing - that is what it feels like some times. And then there are the times when it feels like a waterfall overflowing - that is my favorite feeling.

"Complete and utterly fixated love." {sigh} Well said.

great post! unconditional love....nothing like it!

Amazing, Heather, amazing.

Love... nothing better, nothing worse.

Kyrie Eleison.