One night over dinner, talk turned to personality quirks. He had an almost obsessive-compulsive need to keep his house stocked with extra toothpaste and toilet paper. Dozens extra. I had time zones in my apartment. The only clock that was set to real time was the computer. The microwave clock had a five minute late cushion, and the bedroom was set an absurd 44 minutes ahead, so I could snooze freely in the morning.
“I’m never really fooled, but it still helps.”
“That’s stupid.” He sounded annoyed and I didn't like the way he was looking at me.
“What?” I asked not because I han't heard him but to give him a chance to recant, or at least change his tone. He did neither.
“That’s really stupid. You should set it to the right time.”
“It’s not stupid…”
I said nothing more, and instead turned my attention my plate, pushing pink salmon flakes around with my fork, while warning bells went off in my head. I’d only been dating John a few weeks, so I didn’t know him well. But Control Freak certainly wasn’t one of the labels I’d picked out for him. He’d been a perfect gentleman, lauding me with compliments, calling when he said he would. Sending flowers.
He was thoughtful and… obviously ridiculously uptight.
And so, a couple weeks later, when he broke things off and blamed an entry about an ex in my blog that he didn’t particularly like, I was none too surprised. Or upset. The man had called me stupid! If he wanted to know why I’d begun to act… cagey after that, it might have occurred to him that calling your date stupid wasn’t too smooth of a move. And maybe (just maybe) I’d written that post to test his mettle. You never know. Passive-aggressive is the new straight up. He’d said he wasn’t reading it – you know, to give me my privacy and freedom to write. But I’d had my suspicions that maybe (just maybe) a man that hung up on the numbers on my alarm clock would have a few other issues with my freedom of expression.
I won’t go so far as to say this man is going to die alone with an enormous collection of personal hygiene products. He had plenty of nice qualities. But he did break it off over email and refuse to discuss it when I phoned him. Which, amusing as that is, kinda makes a girl want to say (ever so civilly of course),
“This is why you’re forty and single.”
Too true! Though why someone so totally anal retentive would need extra loo roll is a bit of a poser...
Posted by: Clare at May 27, 2005 01:54 PMWOOHOO, Go FISH! You rock!
Posted by: She who shall not be named at May 27, 2005 02:16 PMDude... he was forty? I don't know if I knew that. With his personality he may want to consider adopting 6 cats and calling it a day.
Posted by: Ari at May 27, 2005 02:37 PMThis was such a fun read! Great lead-in to the w/e. :-)
Posted by: Bond Girl at May 27, 2005 02:56 PMBravo.
Posted by: Muffy Wong at May 27, 2005 03:24 PMYou summed it up brilliantly.
Posted by: mingaling at May 27, 2005 03:55 PMjohn or joe?? which name?
Posted by: Ashley at May 27, 2005 04:28 PMJohn. Joe was in his early 30's. John was a couple months after Joe. Clear? hee.
Posted by: Fish at May 27, 2005 04:30 PMWhile I can't speak much tot he actual POINT of your post, I'd like to throw in support to the time-zones-in-the-apartment crowd. It works especially well for me, because I constantly forget that all my bedroom clocks are fast.
Posted by: Jason at May 27, 2005 04:35 PMI love it! I have zones too. The bedroom has three zone actually, my clock: 5 min. fast; Hubby's clock: 10 min. fast; cable box: real time. The car is 4-5 min. fast, and Hubby doesn't get it. It makes me feel better, even though I subtract out the time when I look at it.
Posted by: Indigo at May 27, 2005 04:52 PM"Passive-aggressive is the new straight up."
Fish...where DO you come up with these lines? Brilliant...absolutely brilliant!
R.P.
Posted by: Rob at May 27, 2005 04:58 PMTime zones? WAAAAAAHHHHH. Seeing different times.... WAHHHHH. Makes me runing around and setting the clocks. Hard to stand if not my home. "Might I?" "Grrrrrr"
Drives me crazy. I have *only* atomic time synced clocks and they show all the same time (of course they do, thats why I bought them).
Posted by: h at May 27, 2005 05:14 PMHey, its better to have different time zones than to be from a completely different planet. What a-hole actually calls a date stupid? And who does not find the odd little quirks of another's personality amuzing (to a point of course. I immediately thought of William Shatner's spoken word "I Want you to be you" track off of his "Has Been" album as soon as I wrote that. funny.)? Anyway Fish, I nearly am in a different time zone, literally, or I would be taking you out sans sex swing (unless you learned to love it) or negative name calling.
Posted by: jimmy corrigan at May 27, 2005 05:22 PMDone and done. Loving that you posted this.
Posted by: StephanieKlein at May 27, 2005 05:49 PMOne can only hope this idiot is still reading.
Posted by: africankelli at May 27, 2005 05:51 PMAnd I thought everyone did the time zones? Good to know some people have extreme issues with that.
Thanks for the as always entertaining read.
Cheers,
rg
why does a 26 yr old date a man 14 years her senior???? are you afraid of being limited to young virile men-because you know at 50 you could so easily capture the eye of a 26 year old strapping lad? There are so many things wrong with dating a man who is 10 + 4 years past your birth decade, but I digress.
You must be a really mature mature 26 year old...hm puzzling
Loved the post about the swing. Sounds like you stumbled into Mickey Rourke's bachelor pad in "9 1/2 Weeks". But as for single at 40: if he is able to attract a good looking 26 year old at 40, most likely he is single by choice. My guess.
Posted by: mark at May 27, 2005 08:15 PMI shoulda cut that bitch John.
Posted by: G at May 27, 2005 09:48 PMHis email breakup was spineless...one can only hope he is still reading and will enjoy the consensus view. What a tool!
Posted by: Stace at May 27, 2005 10:19 PMFortunately, you found out about his a/r reactions to your quirks before the relationship went too far--sounds like you got off lucky. When you're really into someone, stuff like your clocks is supposed to be endearing, not annoying. His loss!
Posted by: Alison at May 27, 2005 11:08 PMKevin, don't you think it's only Fish's business if she wants to date a guy who happens to be 40?
Ok, I have to disclose I'm 42 and single and looking around this room I spot 4 clocks with different time readings...
Posted by: Gray at May 27, 2005 11:28 PMWay to rant - and what a freakin loser he must be!
Posted by: Keely at May 28, 2005 04:28 AMLoved it! Will be def coming back to see how you are doing....hope you find someone that isn't such a cold fish.
Posted by: Miss Sarah at May 28, 2005 08:56 PMYeah, it is kind of stupid to have a clock 44 minutes ahead. I mean why just make it 1 hour ahead, and pretend it is Daylight Savings!!!
Posted by: Go Figure at May 28, 2005 09:24 PMI set my clocks three minutes fast just so I can beat the time clock at work. Works like a charm. And as for dating older men, I dated a man who was 10 years older than me when I was 22. Best relationship I've ever been in. I find that a majority of the guys in my age group are idiots... the ones who aren't idiots are already taken.
As always, you rock!
Posted by: Amber at May 29, 2005 01:40 AMI love it when the timezones actually work! Nothing more satisfying than getting to somewhere early. (Yes, I celebrate my own punctuality.)
Posted by: Jack at May 29, 2005 02:44 AMJust wanted to note that, although your assessment of this jerk is almost certainly spot-on, "That's stupid" != "You're stupid".
Then again, I'm forty and single, so what do I know?
Posted by: Spike at May 29, 2005 06:37 AMCalling someone stupid is the worst thing anyone can do, especially some old fuddy duddy with more than one quirk himself - I completely understand your theory - who the hell does he think he is?
Thank god you got rid of that one!
Posted by: Wondy Woman at May 29, 2005 07:00 AMFirst, I gotta go with one of your previous posters,
"Passive-aggressive is the new straight up."
fucking brilliant indeed. And you know how much I love a good quote.
Second, I'm glad you posted this. And I just know the uptight SK is still reading.
Posted by: whirlygurly at May 29, 2005 08:51 AM“That’s stupid” is not exactly the best thing to say to your date. But atleast he was honest about what he thought and told you directly rather than blogging it for the whole world to read. I am not sure if blogging “This is why you’re forty and single” quarter of a year later is the nicest/fastest retort.
And that makes me a troll, I guess.
No, it doesn't make you a troll. But before you start giving him points for all his brave... err...upfrontness, do remember that he wasn't brave or upfront enough to break it off in person or even over the phone. He was dodgy and a bad communicator. And in the end, a coward.
Posted by: Fish at May 29, 2005 09:34 AMYou gave him a chance to revoke his first "stupid." I think that is grace enough!
Posted by: Heather at May 29, 2005 09:58 AMyou have to kiss a lot of toads before you meet your FROG -- I have kissed so many my lips are turning green.
Posted by: chester at May 29, 2005 01:38 PMI agree with nextblocgirl. Looks like blogging's the new passive-agressive...
I'm with Ari ... cats! ... though if he's that obsessed with loo paper and toothpaste ... maybe a nice clean imaginary friend?
Posted by: Miss Lisa at May 30, 2005 01:44 AMHooo Rah! thank goodness you can post this 'anonymously' I would give anything for anonmymity in my blog right now so that I can write how I REALLY feel.
Posted by: kassi at May 30, 2005 05:31 PMWe are cut from the same cloth.
I am completely in sync with you on the clock thing. I don't think, though, that I would have been able to last as long as you did with an O/C, no matter how effusive or cute.
But then, I'm still single, as well.Arrgh.
Posted by: prufrock at May 30, 2005 06:27 PMi take offense.
my alarm clock is set 37 minutes ahead. it wasn't purposeful, it just sort of happened. and my cell phone is 3 minutes behind. the only correct time is in the kitchen or on the laptop. and i like it like that.
Well if the guy doesn't have the forty-2de to go out with a beautiful woman with a blog - then his worth dwindles down to our entertainment. Fish don't give up on us soon to be forty something year olds - if I can risk the red headed blogging fury of Stephanie Klein than any man should risk that and more for you.
Posted by: Robert Lennie at May 30, 2005 10:03 PMYour last paragraph is perfect...I think you summed up that fool superbly!
Posted by: belle at May 30, 2005 10:09 PMI totally agree with the clock thing. Mine are all different. And calling your clocks stupid does sound to me like he is inadvertanly calling you stupid. So BIG GIANT RED FLAG!
Posted by: Sarah at May 30, 2005 10:18 PM10 minutes a head. what an asshole ! he is stupid.
Posted by: Corinna at May 31, 2005 01:24 AMHaha... like a fish called wanda! don't call me stupid!
Posted by: elise at May 31, 2005 05:48 AMnow that's a good post. i like how you're not stupid enough to overlook the fact he characterized something interesting about you as "stupid". you are much better off without him. much.
Posted by: beth at May 31, 2005 06:49 AMHello Fish.
You write well. Just wondering if you are planning anything interesting to write about, you know, other than flu, friends and funerals.
Sorry, couldn't resist poking a little fun. Take it personally and you lose!
In anticipation of imminent deletion ...
Yours truly,
Noel
i have time zones in my apartment, too, and i like it that way. every once in a while i'm still actually "fooled" into thinking my alarm clock is really the right time even though it's 24 minutes fast. not 20, not 25.... 24. :)
Posted by: red at May 31, 2005 09:41 AM
Granted "that's stupid" isn't necessarily the same as "you're stupid," but when they're specifically discussing *personal* quirks, then it's pretty darn close to it. I'm sure he wouldn't have reacted well had it gone the other way 'round, and she told him that his TP stockpile was stupid.
Also, I'm perplexed by the comment about posting anonymously. This is one of the most *un*anonymous blogs I know of. ...and I don't think that's even a word.
Posted by: Tinkster at May 31, 2005 11:31 AMLook, people should like someone if they go on a date with them - not tell them their quirks are stupid. Not try to change them. I can't remember EVER telling a guy who I was interested in that he was stupid or dumb or needed to change. Yet, I've gone on plenty of dates with guys who maybe were attracted to me but then kept picking on things I did or said, sometimes almost scolding me. If you are interested in someone romantically, you try to look for the cleverness or quirky side of them and find things to admire about their idiosyncracies. And if you don't like them, don't date them. Jeez. Some guys don't get it. I hope he sees this.
And if you break up with someone (after more than 1-2 dates that is), please discuss it with them so they can feel better. You owe them that.
Posted by: Boys are stupid at May 31, 2005 11:39 AMI would be put off by the sex swing story, too. You said the guy was clearly the type to not have a relationship with you. Then you went ahead two seconds later and Did It with him anyway. Not exactly the way to finally let these guys get the message that they should be looking for a relationship. What happens with the next girl who trusts this guy until she sees the stupid swing?
Posted by: But at May 31, 2005 11:45 AMsex swings and other diversity in the bedroom is reflective of a mind that needs to be occupied to overcome the pain of ennui.
Posted by: beth at May 31, 2005 12:10 PM> But as for single at 40: if he is able to attract a good looking 26 year old at 40, most likely he is single by choice. My guess.
Or it could mean that women his own age won't put up with his shit.
> sex swings and other diversity in the bedroom is reflective of a mind that needs to be occupied to overcome the pain of ennui.
Perhaps it's merely indicative of someone who wishes to enjoy both vanilla and pistachio?
Great blog!
Posted by: TwiddlyBits at May 31, 2005 08:25 PMHave you seen this?
http://civpro.blogs.com/civil_procedure/2005/05/love_stories.html
Posted by: Therese at June 1, 2005 01:36 PMYes, I have. I wanted to reply, but I was afraid it would seem like grandstanding, or that I would sound defensive.
I simply think that one of the problems inherent in the gap between writer and reader, is that the reader gets to impose his or her own tone on the piece -- one that may not necessarily have been intended.
While this post may seem contemptuous, it was much less so than she thought. I am sincerely sorry she thought me unkind, but I am human. I have kind and unkind tendencies and don't always live up to everyone's expectations.
Posted by: Fish at June 1, 2005 01:50 PMyou live up to my expectations Fish. We are all human, some are just less judgmental than others.
Posted by: africankelli at June 1, 2005 05:43 PMAs the joke goes... What do men and parking spots have in common? All the good ones are taking and the rest are disabled. :P
I am always wary as to why men are single into their late thirties, forties too. For that reason, I have decided to date men in their late twenties whenever possible. ;)
Posted by: AdventureGirl at June 1, 2005 07:28 PMYou are stupid.
Posted by: Rocco Yamamoto at June 2, 2005 02:20 AMhey fish.
totally related to your post.
keep your head up, and keep enjoying life.
you don't need a man to make you happy
but if you happen to stumble across one while
you're LIVING IT UP, then awesome.
until then, party rock and roll style.
and remember, you ROCK!
p.s. the anal retentive guy, with the ludicrous amt. of toilet paper...what were u thinking?!!!!