For a solid week that winter, I survived on nothing but gin and cigarettes. I’d never been a smoker and gin wasn’t even my liquor of choice, but what the hell? I wasn’t sleeping and food certainly held no temptation. I had to do something.
I carted home the bottle of Sapphire I’d expensed for a work function earlier in the day, stopping at the corner store to buy tonic and limes. I dragged my bounty out to the sun porch, where I sat, wrapped in a thick winter quilt, drinking hastily mixed cocktails and chain smoking.
I’d bought my first pack of cigarettes in the liquor store that afternoon. My shocked coworker offered her lighter as we stepped outside, peeling off the mittens of our right hands. Three cigarettes were gone and my fingers numb when we finally went back to work.
I was upset, in the way that only someone you care about can make you. Mindless and furious. I couldn’t eat, only smoke until my hands shook and my fingers smelled permanently toxic.
Today at lunch, per usual, Justine pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lit one up and set the pack with the rest of her belongings on the grass. Then she picked it back up.
“You want one?”
“Actually, yes I do.”
“I figured if I offered, this would be the time you’d want one.”
I lit my cigarette with hers. Angry cigarettes, the only kind I ever smoke (aside from the occasional drunk cigarette) have usually been Camel Lights. Nothing about a menthol cigarette tastes angry. And Justine smokes Newport Lights. I filled my mouth with cool, minty smoke, leaned back on the wet grass and exhaled.
“I hate to see you upset,” she said and patted my shoulder.
“Eh.” I took another slow drag. “I think I’m just tired now.”
We smoked and watched children chase each other in circles on the lawn at Bryant Park, while the sun popped in and out of the light gray cloud cover.
I had just one and then went back to work.
I think anger is why cigarettes were invented.
I survived a Christmas by escaping outside chain smoking and listening to Pretty Hate Machine.
I must say I'm right with you on the angry cigarette front - sometimes nothing else will do it quite so well. Nothing like inhaling toxins to really express fury, is there?
Posted by: Clare at June 17, 2005 03:41 PMEvery time I break up with a boyfriend I start angry smoking for about a month. That and the loss of an appetite are the best things about a break ups.
Posted by: SAE at June 17, 2005 05:12 PMWhy do we turn to self destruction when we are upset?
Posted by: Torrie at June 17, 2005 05:58 PM...very familiar with the drunken cigarette and the stressed cigarette...the angry cigarette is a new one. I like.
Posted by: kassi at June 17, 2005 06:05 PMFish, hope the anger subsides and you are feeling better.
~AK
I would upgrade from Camel Lights (my smoke of choice) to Camel Filters or, if the going was especially rough, Camel stumpies.
Just by happenstance, today happens to be my ninth anniversary of being a non smoker. Except for that one weekend a few years back . . .
Posted by: sly at June 17, 2005 07:16 PMi lived on marlborough lights, vodka, and chocolate after my last breakup. hope everything's alright with you.
Posted by: Rebecca at June 17, 2005 08:35 PMand sometimes... oh sometimes you'll light up after a terribly embarrassing itallian dinner for just a little bit of shock value infront of mom. :)
Posted by: sas at June 18, 2005 02:52 AMwe loves ya Fish. Smokey hair and all.
Posted by: Di at June 18, 2005 04:30 AMI have the occasional bout of smoking too strabgely enough as I am a health nut! But it hasn't happened in a year and a half. Maybe that's it...
Posted by: AdventureGirl at June 19, 2005 01:15 AMmarlboro reds. real horsehair and saddle leather.
Posted by: smokeyJoe at June 19, 2005 02:31 PMgin and cigarettes is what i live on when i'm angry/sad too...the yogini in my cringes, but heck - they are sadly a great solace.
Although I like Dunhills...Camels when desperate.
hope you feel better.
Posted by: S at June 19, 2005 06:54 PMBeing a stranger to this blog, i'd apreciated the strange honesty and the sensibility that just emerges and then dissapears, as in a smoke screen ?
Posted by: schuey at June 20, 2005 04:43 AMIf you don't do it often, smoking a cigarette is mostly very emotional, when you're angry it's so very soothing, so it is when you're depressed. But then when you feel fine, it's just beautiful and calm. Just pay attention that the cigarette doesn't become a constant attachment to bad times....
I hope you feel soon better!
Matt
Posted by: Matt at June 20, 2005 05:28 AMI'm currently smoking angry cigarettes as well. :-(
Posted by: lou at June 20, 2005 09:08 AMRight now I'm trying to avoid those angry cigarrettes because if i start smoking now, I'm afraid I may never stop...
Posted by: annush at June 20, 2005 09:38 AMangry cigarettes are the best. i quit cold turkey 2 years ago, but in times where i'm completely pissed off - they're one of the first things i want. :)
Posted by: red at June 20, 2005 10:27 AMIck. So not making out with you.
Posted by: tanya at June 20, 2005 02:49 PMMy husband would divorce me if I ever took up smoking again. He says (and I quote) "I refuse to have to change your oxygen tank one day."
Posted by: mihow at June 20, 2005 03:00 PMi've moved onto bourbon now. it's a pretty good drink for when you're upset, makes you very sleepy.
Posted by: Rebecca at June 20, 2005 11:27 PMi've moved onto bourbon now. it's a pretty good drink for when you're upset, makes you very sleepy.
Posted by: Rebecca at June 20, 2005 11:27 PMI favour anxious cigaretts myself... have managed to avoid them over the last year which is no small feat given the circumstances..
Still, I totally understand the inclination.
sheesh... can't spell to save myself... staying up to late
Posted by: deeleea at June 21, 2005 07:50 AMhad close to twenty smokes now. men are the bane of my existence. yeah i can relate to angry cigarettes alright.. may clarity and serenity be yours soon.
Posted by: jfel at June 22, 2005 11:12 AMyes. have never heard it articulated- but what's the point in smoking a chalk stick (as some friends of mine refer to marlboro) or a menthol. when you're frustrated- or angry and just want a camel.
Posted by: kentuckygirl at June 29, 2005 01:50 PM