Every couple of nights, I call my sister for the Fetus Update. See, I learned last week that I am going to be an aunt and I’m taking this new role very seriously.
“How are you feeling?”
“Are you fat yet?”
“Are you selling pictures of your bare baby bump to perverts on the Internet? I bet there’s a lot of money in that.”
She takes it all with very good humor and sends me camera-phone images of our November baby, and promises that I’ll be the first to know when she plumps up (if you have a skinny-minny sister, you understand). She lets me name and rename the Fetus, depending on the day’s events. Gidget. Olive. Oliver. Olly Olly Oxen Free. And I ask her over and over to tell me about hearing the heartbeat. Which she does.
The lord (and the Internet) knows I’m not exactly ready to be a mother, but from what I can tell, there are much less stringent requirements to being an aunt. In fact, I think it’s kind of a prerequisite that you have intentions to coddle and at least mildly corrupt the offspring of a sibling if you’re to achieve any sort of real success at it. And me, I was born for this job.
Following in the footsteps of my own very accomplished Aunt V, I will send the coolest, most obnoxious birthday gifts. Things that make noise, need batteries, require assembly. Board games with really small pieces. I’m fully prepared to celebrate half-birthdays just to fit it all in. I will sing subversive limericks and teach him/her to twist its tongue and say “apple,” just as soon as it learns how to speak.
And when I’m not busy being a smart ass, I’ll nibble fat baby thighs, bury my nose in that warm sweet spot at the back of the neck, plant loud exaggerated kisses on its belly. Sing it songs that it will hear in pictures – sing the one about the cow in the wagon – the same as my mother did.
I will not knit, or nag, or be tolerant of back talk. I will have treats in my purse – right next to the handiwipes. I’ll bestow nicknames, pretend to like knock-knock jokes and amusement parks, and pack irresponsibly unhealthy picnics to take to the zoo. Make up wild, ridiculous stories. And I will watch my mouth, because a kid should really learn all the best swears from his grandpa.
“Will you come visit when the baby is still real small?” she asked me on the phone one night.
“Are you crazy? I’ll be in the damn hospital while it’s being born, ” I said. “Visit… when it’s small… you’ve got to be kidding me.”
“You will?!”
“Yeah…but in the waiting room where none of that nasty stuff is going on.”
“Good.”
I am so ready for this gig.
You’re going to make a great aunt! Imagine all the ways you could spoil your nephew/niece!
Yay! My sister is also having a baby, except my little niece is due on May 20! That’s right, just about a week left to go! I’m so freaking excited!
Fish, you will LOVE it.
I have 6 (count ‘em) 6 nephews and 1 niece. The youngest was born 2 days ago on Mothers’ Day. Oh man… that’s 6 boys to tell fart jokes to… just to freak out their buttoned down mamas… those kids are the coolest people EVER.
But they live an ocean away… Thank God for SKYPE… I met this brand new one the day he was born courtesy of internet video.
Bloody Marvelous.
Congratulations! I got the aunt gig for the first time almost 14 years ago. It just gets better and better.
will you promise to give it the first 3 seasons of Southpark?
I never knew that kind of love was possible until I became an auntie for the first time in September. It’s amazing!! Congrats!!
Congrats!! being an aunt is the best gig ever! I have two of those already and they are the loves of my life. You will have a blast!
Congratulations! Being an aunt is my favorite thing in the whole entire world. You’re going to love it!
congrats, fish! you’ll make a great aunt!
O! Just wait. Things get so much better. I’ve been an aunt for almost a year now and that friggin little munchkin! Ah. I’ma tell her all about how her momma was. (evil!) haha. . . and I’ll have her brainwashed thinkin I’m a superhero. Her momma knows all of this already. She’s planning her defense system. : ) Congratulations Fish!
Congratulations on the new addition
Will you be MY aunt?
Congratulations! You’re gonna be a kick-ass auntie!
Its the best job in the world! Congratulations!
I realize that you think that you are not ready to be a mommy yourself yet, but you sure do sound like it to me! I think that you would make a great mother!!
Congratulations Fish! Being an aunt is definitely one of the best gigs in the world. My nephew turns three this month and he is the love of my life. My sister’s such a cool kid that she’s having another little boy about a week after his birthday, so I’ll have another little one to spoil.
Prediction:
You will be reduced to tears on Mothers Day, when your niece (who is 37 years old) sends a card recalling all the moments and events you have shared and how much she treasures those memories.
What about Marco Polo?
AH! Everything you described is precisely why I want to be a mother…SOMEDAY. Is it bad that I want to be a MOTHER by doing all the “auntie” things, does that mean I’m destined to be a crazy ma? lol.
Oh yeah, I’ve already gotten the nickname Crazy Aunt Maggie with my 3 month old nephew. I keep saying he’ll be coming to me when he wants a beer or a tatoo and I’ll help him get it.
Oh, Fish – you are about to embark on the most important task of your life to date! Be prepared to fall in love like you’ve never known before!
I would challenge you to start a college fund for them right NOW (because it does take a village to raise a child – especially to pay for college)…you’ll thank me later! Also, when you make them a promise, you have to keep that promise – even if it’s small and rather insignificant to you – because they will remember…
And finally, be prepared for them to break your heart when they get older and their friends start to matter more…but take lots of pictures and enjoy them while they’re young, and they’re yours!
Congratulations to you and your family!
From one non-mother Aunt to another, congrats. Nothing beats hearing your little buddy say that you’re pretty, ask to always wear the shirt you bought them or shreek with glee at your prescence. As you will see, being an Aunt rocks and it just gets better the more kiddos there are.
Congratulations to you, your sister and her husband.
Such wonderful news! You’re gonna love this job! I wish you and your family all the best in the coming months.
congrats!!!
Being an aunt gives you the best of both worlds. You get to enjoy the giggles and coos and cuteness – as you would with motherhood – but as soon as they start to cry, you get to hand them back to their real parents.
I’m going to be an aunt in August, and everything you just described is EXACTLY what I want to be. Loud, noisy, small-piece, hysteria-inducing toys and all.
You’re going to love it. My nephews are now 3 and 6 and I want my sister-in-law to have another baby because there is nothing better than having a baby fall asleep in your arms or when he starts crying be able to either calm him or hand him back. (grin) -J
My sis is due in November, too… and although I’m already an aunt, spoiling my sister’s lil one will be the most fun!
Sweet -lets have a subversive limerick. I’m singing at a wedding at the end of the month with a harp backup. Love to throw them a curve. I’d probably get run out of town.
Stage parent banter dept. – my kid performed in the 1st line violin section in an all-county event. All she wanted after was to eat and see the Yankees on a big-screen TV at Fridays. Takes after her dad.
Avid reader, rare commenter. Sent your post to my sister-in-law who is so dear to me and the mother of my two favorite munchkins in all the world. I became an aunt (the first time) 5 years ago. ENJOY THE RIDE!!! I read and re-read the post with tears in my eyes. I am nowhere near the kind of aunt I swore to be, but here it all is, just as I remember it. This is “aunt-dom” through a singleton’s eyes.
You should teach a class: how to be a great auntie!!
I recently found out I’m going to be an aunt and I am SO rfidiculously excited. I already bought the baby a onesie that says, “My Aunt Leslie Rocks!” I suggest you get one, too (obvs not the name Leslie tho!)
I recently found out I’m going to be an aunt and I am SO ridiculously excited. I already bought the baby a onesie that says, “My Aunt Leslie Rocks!” I suggest you get one, too (obvs not the name Leslie tho!)
Congrats on the new niece/nephew! My brother just had a baby (the first one of the three siblings) and I can’t wait to be Aunty to it!! My niece will be spoiled rotten. We’ll do all the fun stuff and I’ll stuff her full of sugar and spice (and all things nice) then send her back home to her Mommy and Daddy. Good times shall be had by all (except maybe Mommy and Daddy who will have to deal with a spoiled, exuberant child if I have anything to say about it!). I really think being an aunt or uncle is the next best thing to being a parent.
Oh my, the auntie club is so wonderful! And just the other day, as my 16 month old niece was chasing the dogs in the back ground and tearing through my sister’s purse, little sis said the most satisfying thing.
“My worst nightmare has come true. Your niece is turning out to be just like you were. Mom even confirmed it.”
Makes all the torture when we were younger so much more worth it.
My favorite aunt was the one who at all the family functions always tickled my back with her fake nails. She also has a chip dip named after her. It’s not a family get-together with out “Vicki Dip”. Another aunt always took us to do the things my mom didn’t have time for, plays, rides on the “people movers” at the airport, watching planes take off. She also made it a point to do the same thing every year with us — i.e. taking us to the state fair. Sometimes the simplest things are the ones that are remembered the longest. Plus she had all the coolest toys at her house. She kept them there so we would always want to go back.
Congratulations! It only gets better from here!
Aww congrats! It’s great being an aunt. I became one for the first time in January 2008. Though my little nephew spends most of his time in the children’s hospital, I try to see him each chance I get. He is the cutest little bundle of fun ever. I absolutely adore him, and I can’t wait til he gets his new liver and can have a happy little life with all of us. I hope you have the happiest, healthiest little niece/nephew in November.
Enjoy it.
Congrats! I’ve been an aunt for 26 years, and it’s a blast. After giving them obnoxious (noisy) gifts when they were small, I started to take the nieces and nephews to a movie and dinner for their birthdays, such fun! Just this weekend, my college age niece was reveling in the memory of the “blue juice” (alleged, raspberry flavored juice, what genius thought blue was an appropriate color for food?) I used to bring on the family ski vacation. Their parents are excellent models of good nutrition, and I was the corrupter (hey, it was vacation). They were laughing at the fact that I always had fresh fruit and “blue juice” whenever they would sleep over, not a bad legacy. I will be a Grandma for the first time this October. My Mother’s Day gift, from my blossoming daughter, was a bib that read “What happens at Grandma’s stays at Grandma’s”. My kids are awesome!!! Enjoy the little one, you’ll be a fun aunt!
Aww! I don’t have any bothers or sisters so I’m jealous! Congrats on being aunt. That baby is going to be spoiled just as it should be.
I’m an aunt…and you totally have all the aunty requirements down! Can’t wait until my little one (a cute 6 mo) is old enough for all that!
Congratulations!!!! You’re going to be the Aunt that all the other kids want to hang around with!
(When I was pregnant the first time, the first thing my brother said to me was “Congratulations! Are you pukin’ yet?)
Grats on the new soon-to-be addition to your family Heather! I hate to admit that one of my many nieces is actually about to have HER first baby (due in a week or so). Being an aunt is almost as good as having your own and excellent practice for preparing the way for your own! I think my aunt practice will come in handy when my first grandchild is born in September (it’s a boy btw).
Enjoy!!!!
When my neice was 10 or so, I taught her two very important lessons.
1. All boys are stupid, and all girls are crazy.
2. Puppy dog eyes should be used only for evil.
Pass it on.
Congrats! Being an Auntie is really all you described and more. And the baby thighs are delicious….toes for dessert make you want to rub your belly with delight.
When my nephew was born my niece said to me, “And we’ll tell him to chew chew chew because we don’t want him to choke! Right Auntie? Chew chew chew!”. Yeah, I’m a little paranoid but only because I love them so damn much!
you’re gonna love being an aunt. i get to call two of the cutest boys my nephews and everytime i speak of them i smile. here’s to a lifetime of smiles for you
Congrats on becoming an Aunt.
For me when I first started being one it was great and wonderful and I will do anything for there. But Now (Counting 40 of them including 10 greats((yeah my niece and nephews have kids too)) And I remeber every name and birthdays)
It is come and get your kids. LOL Don’t get me wrong I love allof them to death. I will still do anything for them. Just not all at once. I have to do grab bags just for them.
Love the one and I do mean one you have.
smoochies
Having just sent my 3 nephews (ages 5 & 4) home and cleaned the last of the dirt off the walls (how???), I can easily tell you that being an aunt is the BEST. JOB. EVER. Enjoy!
First of all, MANY MANY CONGRATS!!! I know how exciting this much be for you. My first nephew was born in June and I think you need to be my role model of aunt-hood!