On Saturday night, Anna and I went hunting. Douchebag hunting*. Huddled around the table at the All Good Cafe, we decided that we had two options for the evening: hunt lowlifes, or prowl the bars for real prospects. I voted lowlifes. Because clearly the mood, even pre-Irish carbombs, was unmistakably too silly for any sort of sincere bonding effort. That and, after years of finding them on accident, I figured my chances of spotting a dirtbag were pretty high.
It was a winner-takes-all kind of night. As we headed uptown to prime hunting ground, it was declared that the girl to identify – and secure the romantic attentions of – the creepiest blight to society would be named victor. And wouldn’t you know, of the four of us goal-minded gals, I nabbed that nasty little trophy. And his name was Alex.
Oh, Alex. If your mother only knew.
He was making his wobbly way from the restrooms when I saw him in the crowd. Spiky hair, button-down shirt rolled at the sleeves, revealing a pretentious investment time piece. I smiled in wicked anticipation, flipped my hair back over my bare shoulders, and as he ambled past me, grabbed hold of his collar and popped that sucker up.
“Just thought maybe you’d forgotten that part.”
Alex was all drunken, lecherous smiles. We were off to a very promising start. Within seconds, he had had a finger in my belt loop, asking me to send text messages to other women. I answered one to poor Stephanie B. who was, as evidenced by of her message, in the bar that moment, totally in the mood and looking for him.
“What does Stephanie look like?” I asked. Might as well point him in her direction when I was done with him.
“I don’t remember,” Alex said, shaking his head and sliding an arm around my waist. “Do you wanna make out? Let’s go make out.”
“Has anyone ever told you you’re an ass?” I smiled widely, and brushed his hand off my backside.
“You’re mean. That’s kind of hot.”
We continued on this way for some time, until the lights came up in the bar and I’d gotten the nice-job nod from Anna.
“Bye, Alex. It was nice to meet you,” I said, shouldering my purse. “Good luck with Stephanie B.”
“I thought we were going to make out?”
Of course he did. And by the way he kept trying to wedge his dirty little mitt inside the rise of my low-rise jeans, I’m pretty sure ‘make out’ meant a little something along the lines of unsatisfying drunk stranger sex. With a side of awkward morning and topped off with a delightful walk of shame. Oh, gee, Alex, can we?
“Maybe next time.”
My Douchebag disappeared into the night, presumably in search of Stephanie B., who could probably do much better. And we went for burgers. Because a night out isn’t a night out if I don’t have something to regret in the morning.
*For those unsure of how to identify a Douchebag in the wild, you canusually spot them by the sunglasses (aviators, natch) worn indoors,popped collars, overly-groomed hair and an overall attitude offaux-awesomeness. If he walks with a swagger, talks to your cleavage and has a strange fascination with his Blackberry and/or watch, you have found yourself a gen-u-ine D-bag.
(No real Douchebags were harmed during the making of this post.)
amen!
LOL! Sounds like a great time.
I’ve been enjoying your blog for awhile and have added a link to yours from mine, Life of a thirty-something singleton.
While I was looking for a couple friends in a bar the other night, I found a string of douche bag men lingering around the bathroom. If only I had your streak of adventure to hunt!!
That’s awesome. My friends & I often have fun people-watching & commenting on the actions & antics we’re witnessing, but never have we taken it to that extent. Good times…!
I love that you popped his collar. Priceless!!!
Awesome. I am so doing that with my friends next time we go out.
Fish you are too funny!! You just described a few of my college BF’s aww the poor (yet fun) choices we make.
Awesome. I am so doing that with my friends next time we go out.
Am I the only one who finds this kind of a creepy thing for you to do? I understand that the guy is probably a total a-hole, but it’s not like he was pursuing you or coming on to you with unwanted advances. I’d be more than a little concerned that he would be furious at the end of the night that you had led him on for hours and react violently.
Ha! Okay, I don’t know who said anything about “hours,” but if every guy who felt lead on “reacted violently” all those years I spent as Mormon would have turned out much, much differently.
People flirt at bars – it’s what they do. And most of those flirters – by the telltale scrambling to hook-up via text messages that happens at the end of the night – go home alone.
not to mention the fact that HE is most likely the one doing the leading on & the ditching throughout the night. he probably enjoyed having the tables turned!
Reading about how you spent your weekend night makes me even more grateful that I am married and out of the bar scene. Although even when I was single, I would have opted for a night of watching home improvement shows on TLC, in my pajamas with my dogs on the couch, over wasting time pretending to be interested in men I really had no interest in.
Isn’t it a good thing then, that we get to choose our friends?
Becca, there is no excuse whatsoever for a the guy turning violent. Also, reading Heather’s take, I’d say that trying to slide your hand inside a girl’s jeans counts as an unwanted advance. I’ve seen a lot of these guys in action (or heard about it from my girlfriend), trust me, they deserve this sort of treatment. If you have any doubt, I direct you to: http://www.brightcove.tv/title.jsp?title=307736763
Don’t forget the striped shirt!
My girlfriends and I had a running mission one weekend out in Vegas. We all had to take pictures of Douche’s in striped shirts. Got that mission completed in 10 seconds flat!
Douchebag hunting sounds like fun!
Let’s face it — the D-bags who were picked for this particular evening’s fun probably enjoyed the banter and were too drunk to remember that the evening ended in failure. They’re not out to score a girlfriend or a wife or hell, even a meaningful conversation. They’re out there every night because they know that it’s the quantity of their time spent in the bar, trolling for fresh meat, that brings the one-night grope fests home to papa.
So, for one night you did a public service to all of those silly girls out there! You kept the D-bags entertained so they could stand a chance of either a) going home alone or b) finding someone more worth their time to flirt with.
Way to go!
Wow! It seems I go out looking for the real prospects, but end up with the douche-bags! Maybe I need to try out your method Fish!
Congratulations, Alex! It also sounds like you were definitely the victor in your own similar hunting game.
It’s actually sad, really. Making fun of random people just isn’t nice.
I kind of think it’s mean too
Sorry Fish!
Oh, well. It was all in good fun.
I think it is funny. how many times have I been grabbed by some random as i am walking to the bathroom or bar and not wanted it? Many. Seriously people, lighten up. Life is too short. sounds like a fun night. Glad you got the burgers after too…
Man, I haven’t been out in a long time. I usually have run ins with drunk jerky boys with blood shot eyes at the local pizza place or convenience store after the bar. Definitely not pretty.
I think I work with the D-Bag. Are you sure you didn’t go out in NYC? I personally, think it’s hillarious!!!
Stephanie & Lisa Ann – I beg to differ. Making fun of random people (and their dreadful children, too!) is one of life’s sublime pleasures. My daughter and I can exchange detailed comments about people all around us with just our eyebrows and a grimace or 2. I’m many years older than Fish & remember with a smile hunting me up some drunken disco douchebag. V. easy to identify in their black shirts & white suits. . .
Hmmm….sounds like most of the guys in the L.A. club scene.
(Not that the women are much better.)
“You’re mean. That’s kind ahot” – priceless! PS Does one need a government permit to go douchebag hunting?
ahahahaha thats awesome. more girls need to do that i’m totally doing that with my friends this weekend.
Hmm… You intentionally flirt with the hopes of provoking a guy into something you can call sleazy…but up until YOUR initiation, he was just a dude who didn’t meet your criteria for originality in dress. This reeks of self-righteousness and general hatefulness.
At the risk of sounding like someone’s mother or even grandmother, am I the only one confused by this? He (Alex, clearly a jerk in retrospect, but initially minding his own business) walks by. You initiate this whole exercise (flipping your hair over bare shoulder, popping his collar), then allow him, a complete stranger already pegged as drunk, to have his finger in your belt loop “within minutes”. With all due respect (and I do think you are a very talented writer), what did you expect this drunk guy to do? Were you actually surprised he touched your backside? Was this just an exercise to see if you can attract some drunk guy? My own mother, and hopefully yours too, would gently suggest that if you treat yourself with more respect, you will get more respect from quality guys. I hate to sound so judgemental, but I just don’t get this!! What am I missing?
I see you practice Catch and Throw.
Amen, Julie.
It’s actually Julie who is confusing me.
Didn’t Fish say that she was NOT out to catch a quality dude? And that she was after the trashy gross guys in the first place? I sensed no surprise that he was gropy, but I did sense that yes, it was an exercise in attracting a drunk guy. I don’t understand why it’s all so hard for you to read exactly what’s in front of you!
Amen, Eh. Exactly what I was thinking.
Holy crap people, for once Fish turned the tables on all the slimy men who are out to meet, and take advantage of, desperate girls and you’re piling on the judgement like she committed a crime! What’s up with this double standard? Douchebag could have been a bit classier. He could have asked her name, had a decent conversation, respected her personal space. But no, Fish’s instincts about this guy were right on. She played his game and won. No harm, no foul and you get a wicked tongue-in-cheek blog entry to read.
I think this is hilarious. It seems my friends and I have inadvertently hunted for douchebags before. I’ve met my fair share of “Alexes” before, and it makes me smile to see that Fish turned the tables on him. Thanks for the laugh!
Some of you guys are ridiculous! Heavens! Fish why would you ever dream of flirting with a boy and then not sleeping with him?! Give me a break, people. Men make a habit out of leading women on with the false intentions of a committed relationship when they are really just looking to get laid, so why is it a crime for Fish to flirt with a boy without it leading to anything? And to suggest that he would become violent if nothing came of it speaks to the kind of men you surround yourself with.
Um, yeah I have to second Marc’s thinking. Julie, did you even -read- the post you critiqued?? Because the intent was pretty clear.
Personally, I got the sense that this was not a lengthy ordeal, and likely the kind of pseudo-flirt that anyone who isn’t self-absorbed (a la DBs) would catch onto pretty quickly. I mean, she told him he was an ass and he thought it was hot, hul-lo, Douchbag.
Having been out of the single scene for almost 10 years, I think the above debate is a little hilarious.
Fish did nothing wrong here; neither did Alex (with the possible exception of Sonic the Hedgehog hair; just guessing). Men and women have been playing this game in the bar scene for as long as there has been a bar scene. Alex was trying to get laid. His tactics and approach suck, but that’s why Fish picked him, specifically because guys like Alex are predictable.
As opposed to my air which is genuine awesomeness with a touch of Yarlsberg.
Oh silly Heather,
You’ll obviously never be satisfied with a relationship if you can’t learn to let the little things (being made to text the last girl he slept with) go and just go home with the first guy that fondles you.
Bad form, Heather, bad form.
Julie, I don’t get it either. It all sounds really smug and self-important. Even if the Alex guy is a DB, I still wouldn’t have time to waste on this stuff. I suppose that’s what getting older does to you. Thank goodness.
HAHAHA…i love this post!! I’ve played the saaaame game myself plenty of times with my girlfriends! Here is a great youtube series that makes fun of the “New Jersey Douchebags”–and if you’ve ever gone to the Jersey Shore, you’ll appreciate it! http://youtube.com/watch?v=cVHhjWMpC1g
Even if it was all in fun (and maybe even kinda funny), spending your night baiting the biggest d-bag in a bar pretty much makes you a d-bag yourself. Sorry – there’s really no other way to see it. And, I’m sure I’ve read your tellings of similar pastimes in previous posts. Weird, creepy hobby.
Then why are you STILL HERE? That’s the part I don’t get: people who are so obviously — and apparently repeatedly — offended by my lowly ways who can’t help but read and comment multiple times on one post. Astounding, really.
And I’m the one with weird, creepy hobbies.
Fish, Personally I loved it. guys like that give all the other guys out there a bad name..but sometimes you just want to go out and have a lil fun….play with a guys ego and let him think he has a chance…isent that what flirting is? giving someone the IDEA they have a chance when the might not? all is fair in love and war…. seemed like a fun night!
“Just thought maybe you’d forgotten that part.” too funny!
For a minute I was worried you went douchebag hunting and caught my college boyfriend. His name’s Ty, lives in Dallas, fits the description. Watch out for that one.
Ummm, we keep reading because we love your writing, Fish; pretty simple math. We don’t have to love every single thing about *you* though (just like I don’t love every single thing about Stephen King or Ernest Hemingway). YOU straight up played this dude that did NOTHING to you beforehand (similar to how dudes like Alex sometimes treat unsuspecting and perhaps drunk and looser-than-normal women at bars…like Stephanie B…who you slightly felt bad for and who you felt could do better). You played Alex, he played her…you acted no better than he. (P.S. Still love your writing style and sometimes-content…just not your sometimes-behavior…won’t quit reading…sorry.)
Okay, again nothing to do with anything, but I’m always slightly amazed with people who get all uppity about “there’s no other way to see it” when very obviously there -is- another way to see it, otherwise they wouldn’t be up in arms in the first place.
That and people who accuse others of being smug and self-absorbed, yet blatantly flaunt how happy they are to not be as pitiful as said person, because yanno prissing about gloating about your superiority is so humble.
/end mini-musing
It sounds like a fun night to me! I’ve done this before. Sometimes it’s nice to turn the tables on guys who do the same thing to girls all the time.
To Marc and Tinkster, I stand corrected. I can see exactly why you thought I didn’t read this particular post carefully before I commented. My comment was more Big Picture, based on being a long time reader of Fish’s blog, which I have read since the beginning, and of which I am a big fan. I happen to think she is extremely talented….. so talented, in fact, that many times the heartbreak in her beautifully written posts is palpable… (old boyfriends, breakups, her Dad, etc.). So my comment was based on more than just this one particular post/ evening. Since Fish DOES eventually want to settle down with a quality guy, which she DOES deserve, I want her to find one! Obviously many evenings out, like this one, are just about having fun. But I do stand behind my earlier suggestion that all young women, not just Fish, treat themselves with more self-respect. (As a Mom of sons, I have seen young men AND women act in ways I can barely believe.) I think that is the better approach longterm and I apologize if that comes off judgemental.
To Fish: I think you would be surprised how many people of all ages read your blog simply because you are a wonderful writer – whether we agree with every post or not! And I hope you don’t mind, I plan to continue to read it!
As a single girl, I think this is hysterical. I’m not sure what is more funny though, the story or some of the responses.
When me and my posse of girls go out we have an emergency word for each other when the game starts to turn on us and we need to be bailed out. When one of us utters the word outloud or texts it to another we rescue said drowning victim by whisking her off to the restroom and stay there long enough for the drunk weirdo to realize he’s all by himself and then he wonders off. We don’t usually deliberately go looking for DDB’s though cause trust me, where I live, they aren’t hard to find at all…
Are you ready for the awesomeness that is:
http://www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com/
I need to come and visit you. This game intrigues me. You are not suprised.
This is an interesting debate. It’s completely acceptable for a girl to hit on a guy and dump him just for the purpose of making fun of him with your gf’s the next day and then saying how much better of a person you are? Wow. I’m glad I don’t do the bar scene anymore. No wonder everyone is bitter about everyone else.