Girl One: Let’s talk about something fun and potentially scandalous. You’ll have to start, cause I got nothin’.
Girl Two: Oooh – that’s a tough one. My personal excitement device is insanely loud and I wish I lived alone.
Girl One: Ha! My “personal excitement device” fell out of the pillow it was casedin, when I had male company. He picked it up, said, “Whaaa?” and putit right back down.
Girl Two: Oh my god that’s way better! Mine live in a makeup bag on my nighttable that I have instructed the roommate to never open or suffer theconsequences. The silent one just isn’t as effective as the hammer.
Girl One: It wasn’t in a perfect state of cleanliness, either. I mean, it was gross, but it wasn’t like, all pristine and sparkly.
Girl Two: We are such liberated little scuzzmonsters.
Girl One: I mean, think of how the male company must have felt. That would be like finding… a crusty tube sock.
Girl Two: Eh. Their entire bed is a scuzzy little gym sock, don’t ya think?
Girl One: Point, set and match.
Heh. On Weeds, Uncle whatshisname advised little kid to use banana peel instead of gym sock. mom was so pleased when kid’s banana intake increased by 1000%.
OMG! Hilarious! you made my very boring day way more interesting, thanks.
There are times where I’ve wondered, rather morbidly, what would happen if something tragic were to happen to me and then my parents were forced to clean out my apartment. In doing so, they would find my little scuzzmonster stash. It is really quite an unpleasant thought.
That’s fantastic. Scuzzmonster has joined my favorite words list!
Also fun: When you’re breaking up and have to decide if your couple’s excitement device(s) is worth taking. The good ones are not cheap.
The crusty sock may perhaps be better than finding, say, an identical to one’s own personal excitement device.
tee hee, i’ve had the same thoughts as Mandah! too many panicky moments that involve mom ‘helping’ me unpack bedroom moving boxes. makes me nervous just thinking about it.
LOLOLOL… oh I’m lovin’ this one, Fish!!
(And thanks for my newest word!)
And like Mandah…I’ve already discuss the issue w/ a friend. They now have a key to my apt and in case of any emergency, they know exactly where and what to remove. (Just coverin’ my bases, ladies…that’s all)
Funny how something so common and enjoyable is so very shameful.
Once my dog brought one upstairs when I was just starting to open the door to let the plumber inside. And it was BRIGHT PINK.
I just quickly tossed it in a drawer. And then threw it away when he was gone.
SO. EMBARRASSED.
No longer having energy for personal excitement devices (of either the male human or mechanical variety), and since this question hasn’t been asked yet…. Were you Girl One or Girl Two? (Or neither – maybe this was overheard somewhere in Texas?)
Always good to come across a random blog post that makes me laugh
I possibly have one better. . . .
I took mine on a business trip that I had to go on with my boss because the guy that I was seeing at the time was in the same line of business and lived in the town that I was going to be staying. DIRTY . . I know. But I knew that there would be drinks involved beforehand, so I figured I wouldn’t mind. Which there were and I didn’t. Uh, that is till the next morning, when my boss knocked on my door. He was bringing me some water and Advil. Checking on my hungover status because of the barhopping the night before with all the other agents. I let him in. . . forgetting ol BOB was on the nightstand. Niiiiice. Talk about the elephant in the room. He left shortly after, and we didn’t talk much on the drive back home.
To this day he’s never brought it up.
Thank Gawd!
Finally delurking to say that I wondered the same thing as lawyerchic, but with further consideration, I have to say that I’m partial to the mystery of third person. It brings back great memories of equally scuzzy discussions with my undergrad girlfriends. To this day, I wonder if someone enjoyed overhearing snippets of those conversations!
@Caligirl – I worked a year of reconstruction (fire/water/wind damage) and there were a couple times that I had to remove scorched dildos and moldy magazines during demolitions. Having performed such extractions as a single female in her 20s surrounded by a crew of classically blue-collar male coworkers, I commend your foresight.
fish has to be girl number 1.
Haha, I was once dating a girl who was giving me the tour of her apartment and had forgot to put away her “personal excitement device.” She was mortified, I thought it was hilarious.
Were you girl 1 or girl 2?
Just wanna cuddle with both you girls…and do, like, other stuff. Read my blog. Leave snarky **** in the comment box. And then cuddle some more.
SCUZZMONSTER is my new fave word. I will try to use it in a sentence verily tomorrow!!!
Yeah Heather… which girl are you
Or, rather, how much will you pay me to not reveal which girl I am?
My mother came over to help me pack during a move and fully opened the nightstand drawer to find “it”. She didn’t say a word just moved onto the kitchen cupboards. Hilarious now, yet mortifying then.
It’s almost as bad as when I found lube in my parent’s closet. That’s what I get for snooping.
Lol! And how does it matter if you were Girl 1 or Girl 2?
I love it.
I was at a housewarming party where the hostess was telling people to throw their coats on her bed upstairs. As we were working in the kitchen getting dinner ready she stopped cold and remembered she left her BOB on the nightstand…
Luckily – yet still mortifying – her mother said “don’t worry dear, I put it away when I was straightening up. That’s what mothers are for.”
What’s worse, everyone seeing your favorite friend, or your mom touching it???
Awesome. I like to think that someone laughs at the conversations I have with my girlfriends. It’s funny to us so I don’t mind if other people laugh along with us. Besides, if we want to keep things private we talk privately.
As bad: finding your mother’s personal excitement device, when your friend is over, so she can remind you about it from time to time. We were nine or ten I think and twenty plus years later, she still brings it up.
Best friggin post ever! : )
THANKS HANDY! (I feel so much more secure now in the way I have “prepared” the situation!):D
I guess you can say the “foresight” comes from the innate fear associated with an Italian, Roman Catholic Father!! lol
(Oh don’t get me started!!)
Hilarious. I am so freaked out that my parents might find my excitement device that I take it to work and hide it in a desk drawer before they visit. Now, I don’t know what I would do if a coworker opened my desk drawer and found it… I’d probably have to quit.
I wonder if people from Europe are as uptight about this as Americans seem to be. Personally it may embarrass me just a little to have my little ‘cache’ of PEDs found but not a lot. I would be able to laugh it off. Most of the men I have known (as in dating) or know in my life would be just as likely to say “cool! can I play with it … with you?” as anything else and I say good for them! I don’t even want to date a man that is afraid of it LOL. As far as parents seeing them – I bet 75% if not more of those parents have their own! I think we all need to lighten up and admit that we have to have our desires met to a certain extent.
I do love the new word Fish!
So I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of years now and never left a commment and decided today is the perfect day to leave my first! I have a hilarious/mortifying story to tell…Me and my roomate were having a prank war with our guy friends and their retaliation was to break into our apartment and stack every piece of furniture into the middle of our living room…including our beds…the bed that had my pink friend hidden under the mattress! And I’m not really sure what they decided to do with it but I think they left it out on top and my dog decided it looked like a pretty great chew toy…so we get home and my pink friend is chewed to pieces so I throw it away…only come to find out when I go to move I missed the VERY large tip piece and my whole family was there helping me move..when the couch got moved it was just laying there!! So I had to casually walk over and pick it up and throw it away…needless to say I blamed it on my roomate and told them it was hers
I don’t mean to be the one to let the proverbial cat out of the bag, but Fish doesn’t have a roommate, so…. take another read through the post and it’s pretty obvious.
From one Scrabulous fiend to another – what is your reaction to the “disabling” of Scrabulous? I, for one, am suffering extreme withdrawal…
When I moved in with my mom when I went back to school, I packed my PED and my porn carefully and moved it into my mom’s place first thing. I relaxed then on moving day when my brothers in law were helping me move.
Bad idea. When I’d moved a friend a year before while he was in the hospital, he told me to get rid of all his porn. I knew he’d regret it, so I held onto a “Big Naturals” DVD, which I stashed in my underwear drawer, awaiting the day when he whined about not having any porn. One of my BILs asked if my dresser was empty, pulling open the underwear drawer to see.
YOU try blaming it on a friend. Sigh.
Hey Jamie,
Fish doesn’t CURRENTLY have any roomies, but she used to… and she’s already admitted that her posts aren’t always from the here and now… guess we’ll never know. I think it’s hysterical either way!
Left mine in the shower once. And all three of my roommates got to have a little friend hang out with them in the soap dish when they went in for their morning scrub.
…. my third roommie eventually told me, when they all stopped snickering, to go pick it up.
Sigh.
LOL love this post, Fish! I have a story for y’all.
I had a bad fall a couple of years ago and broke my foot badly. I travel for work and was about 4 hours from home. After my surgery, my parents came to bring me home. Needless to say I couldn’t walk, so Mom very graciously unpacked my suitcase which had my little “friend”.
She didn’t know what it was! (It was not an anatomically correct device.) So she asked me what it was, and I quickly offered that it was a massager. So she started running it over her neck and said it didn’t seem like it would work very well….
hahahaha!
LOL love this post, Fish! I have a story for y’all.
I had a bad fall a couple of years ago and broke my foot badly. I travel for work and was about 4 hours from home. After my surgery, my parents came to bring me home. Needless to say I couldn’t walk, so Mom very graciously unpacked my suitcase which had my little “friend”.
She didn’t know what it was! (It was not an anatomically correct device.) So she asked me what it was, and I quickly offered that it was a massager. So she started running it over her neck and said it didn’t seem like it would work very well….
hahahaha!