Let it be known that the only reason I finally caved and saw Twilight was because my boyfriend wanted to watch it. I’m not kidding.
“I just want to see what it’s all about.”
“I know what it’s all about: bad acting and teen vampire love.”
“Snob.”
There just so happened to be nothing else On Demand in HD (because in this household we don’t WATCH programs in regular definition. Ahem.) that wasn’t entirely too serious, so I conceded. Fine. I would watch it. But I wouldn’t like it! And I didn’t. I didn’t hate it, but it very well may have been the biggest piece of cinematic cheese I’d ingested in years – and I watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on a startlingly regular basis.
Also, VAMPIRES DON’T SPARKLE IN THE SUNLIGHT, THEY BURST INTO FLAMES AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT!
Last summer, I picked up the first Twilight book and within 30 pages, put it back down. It was bad writing and that’s all there was to it. Yeah, yeah, I understand that it’s a very story driven kind of series, and that you can become deeply invested in this forbidden blood-sucking romance, but it was bad and I felt insulted by it. So when I saw my friend Amy’s Facebook status reference her most recent read being about teen angst and vampire love, I immediately rushed to provide intervention. But before I could save Amy from herself, she dropped what has to be the most honest and compelling pro-Twilight review out there (and this shit should go on the book’s back cover):
I was just going to make an analogy about the difference between listening to a truly great band like the Rolling Stones and someone like Neil Diamond. Neil Diamond is very entertaining to me. I enjoy his songs. But he is no Rolling Stone.
Twilight is my Neil Diamond.
I called off the intervention. God knows I do love a little “Cracklin’ Rosie” every now and again.
Eh… to each his own, I guess. I’m not much of a fan either of the book and I know I won’t be spending my money on any films based on these books…. My cousins’ love them…. Vampires never did much for me…..
and now, I can’t get “Cracklin’ Rose” outta my head and there’s still several hours of work left……Sigh… Thanks Fish!
(“Play it now, play it now, play it now my ba-by…” LOL)
While I fully, 100% agree with your assessment of Twilight your friend’s analogy is priceless! As much as I hate to admit it, as awful as I admit Twilight is, it is one of my guilty pleasures… Sad? Most definitely; but as penance I make sure I only give other people reason to NOT read the books.
http://jezebel.com/5298683/buffy-shuts-down-edward-cullen-in-the-best-clip-ever
then, you must watch the above!
It was my guilty pleasure long before 95% of the population found it. I got over it last year. I got over it when that horror movie version I had been anticipating for 2 years came out. I wasn’t expecting much with the low budget and all, but… Some day your friends will recover too. LOL
You are correct, the Twilight series is crap writing, but it makes me feel like a 13 year old girl. After 40 yrs that’s huge! So I devour the books. I’m on the 4th. The story of the second is more interesting, More action, more characters and, yes, werewolves. The first film is among the worst I’ve seen, but I rented it out of curiosity. The marketing hype for the film New Moon (#2) is genius, though a bit predatory on the whacked out hormones of teenage girls. I hope Kristen Stuart’s career survives this crazy ride cuz she’s a pretty talented actress and soooo young. That clip that QoB links is brilliant,go Buffy! I’m 53 and have limited knowledge of Buffy the Vampire slayer. After watching this clip, I’m a fan!
I love that you referenced “Cracklin’ Rosie” and not Sweet Caroline. Friggin like that song. A lot.
“…..Oh, I love my Rosie child
She got the way to make me happy
You and me, we go in style
Cracklin’ Rosie you’re a store-bought woman
You make me sing like a guitar hummin’
So hang on to me, girl
Our song keeps runnin’ onnnnnnn……”
Sigh… dang, Fish! I’m so “stuck” today and for some strange reason… I need you to know this!!! LOL
“…..Play it now
Play it now
Play it now, my baby
Cracklin’ Rosie, make me a smile
God if it lasts for an hour, that’s all right
We got all night
To set the world right
Find us a dream that don’t asks no questions, yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
I’m totally with you. I forced myself to read the whole series so that I would at least have a valid foundation for my opinion – which is to say, it sucked donkey balls. But then I saw the preview for New Moon, and Jacob = all sorts of hot, so I forced myself to watch Twilight and it wasn’t too bad. I won’t contribute any money to the franchise though – I heart the public library!
You know, with all the attention this book has been receiving, I almost bought it to read. Thank you for saving me probably five hours of my life.
ZOMG FISH NOW YOU’VE GONE AND DONE IT WITH YOUR SPARKLY VAMPIRE BURSTING INTO FLAMES IN ALL CAPS COMMENT! SOMEBODY IS GONNA GET ALL MAD FACED! HUNKER DOWN! HUNKER DOWN!
I haven’t watched it yet. I won’t. I haven’t read the series yet. I won’t. I already know what happens because everyone around me has read/seen it. It just doesn’t interest me whatsoever.
I did, however, read the Last Vampire series by Christopher Pike when I was 12.
Also, I watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers on a regular basis too! I thought I was the only one!
Exactly! There’s nothing wrong with something /just/ being entertaining.
WTF is with all these ads and shit? You get paid for writing this? In that case, I want some royalties for my wife’s intellectual property.
Ok, you can have your Neil Diamond – but I still have no desire to watch Twilight, no read the books. Vampires don’t ‘sparkle’, only Glitter sparkles, and that wasn’t a good movie either.
Entertainment for entertainment’s sake is sometimes a good thing. Plus, I’m pretty sure there’s crack sprinkled between the pages.
I got myself to read all of them (as a huge Harry Potter fan I had to know what people were going on about with these JK Rowling comparisons), and yes, they were entertaining at times. But your assessment is correct: the writing stinks. And, OH THE DRAMA as the books continue. I have to make sure I’m not making a rude face when friends/strangers talk about their deep, abiding love for them. I’d rather read some trashy romance that embraces the label (…and doesn’t have religious undertones).
After I completed the original Twilight book upon the urgings of my little sister, you could say I became a professional Twilight hater. I figured, she normally has good taste in books. I’m an English major and a fast reader. I should see what the fuss is about. No. I sort of want my pre-Twilight existence back. (I was 20, she was 18, it’s not a generational thing.) The book incenses me into a raging, raging fury on so many levels. I grew up on a steady diet of empowered, sassy heroines. I truly appreciate good writing and enjoy original, inspired recreations of mythology. If you like even one of the above, this is not the book series for you. Sue-ism, abusive “boyfriends,” codependency, a conspicuously Mormon-influenced position, horrible prose, and a Deus Ex Machina all over the place? Go right ahead. It’s not “fluff” or a “guilty pleasure,” it’s insidious, badly-written tripe. Luckily, my sister realized that after reading the last book.
…In conclusion, vampires that sparkle, bah humbug. Read Harry Potter.
That said, I enjoy Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. They seem to know exactly how bogus the series is and are laughing their way to the bank when not being chased by rabid preteens.
I’ve read all four and I’m kind of meh about them. I don’t particularly like or dislike them. I nothing them.
In regards to Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, though I haven’t seen it in quite some time, I still think that if the guy who played Benjamin could be perhaps my age and not, oh 90, I’d so go for him.
I once heard a conversation about another poorly written children’s series where someone said, “At least kids are reading”. And the response, “That’s like allowing your children a strict diet of Twinkies and saying ‘At least they’re eating’”. It’s insulting and disgusting, and it made me want to disown all of my friends who advocate the series. Entertainment just for entertainment’s sake is awesome, but not when it teaches kids that a blatant disregard for all rules of the English language is okay.
Heh. I used a similar analogy to explain my love of Twilight on my blog:
“Let me first explain the way I feel about the Twilight books. They are like cake. I know that cake contains way too much sugar and has zero substance and will probably make me feel kind of ashamed after I finish it, but if you offer me a piece of cake I will eat it, and I will love every minute of it. Because I don’t eat cake for the nutritional value.”
Also, have you or The Boy ever watch MST3K? (If he is truly a dork worth his salt, I will assume he has.) The guys who did that show have a website called RiffTrax.com where they do commentary tracks for new releases, and they did one for Twilight that is OUTSTANDING. My friends and I couldn’t breathe, we were laughing so hard. Might be something to check out.
Why ya’ll hatin’ on Neil? He’s my boy and a very prolific song writer. I mean he has a ton of songs that bars full of patrons will know every. single. word. Sweet Caroline! Coming to America! Red, Red wine! *sigh*
I will conceed that he is heavy on the cheese and certainly no Rolling Stone.
Fish, glad you reviewed Twilight because I was feeling the same way about it. You saved me $3 at Blockbuster and about 2 hours of my life.
Hilarious, bang-on post. You summarized my feelings about Twilight precisely.
OMG I laughed so hard in the movie theater when Edward sparkled. Also, Robert Pattinson turns me into a giggling 16-year-old.
I finished the last book on vacation and I agree with your friend. Entertaining stuff but badly written. I kept editing the writing in my head as I read along.
Being 27 years old, I may not be the intended audience for the Twilight books, but I’ll admit I did sort of enjoy them. I am an oncology research scientist by day, so, by the end of the day, my brain just wants a mini-vacation and Twilight fit the bill at the time. Blame it on the day job, but I also watch The Hills. So I’m not exactly a bastion of good taste–just fun, mindless taste!
Forget Twilight, True Blood is where its at!!
I too read the first book to see what the hype was about. Midway through I kept thinking, “Just bite the whiny brat already! Enough!”
It’s not as if heroin is good for you but once you’re addicted – you’re addicted.
I am addicted to Twilight.
Stephenie Meyer had me “…..greek god like chiseled features…” Or some such nonsense.
I, like you, had to put the first book down early on. I’m still dumbfounded at how many of my friends fell in love with the series, staying up until wee hours of the morning reading it. But perhaps they’d say the same about me and my love for the Sookie Stackhouse/southern vampire series.
Everyone needs his or her own “Neil Diamond” every once in a while – cheesy though it may be! It might not be as cheesy as, say, “Buck Rogers and the 25th Century,” but if it goes well with wine, it’s probably not going to kill you.
Too weird.
I’m currently listening to Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits.
Just wanted to say that I love “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” and can’t abide Twilight.
alas. “twilight” is my neil diamond, too. once i got over how badly written it was, i inserted myself into bella’s place (she has no personality; that’s the point of her character) and fell in love.
stephanie meyer, bad writing and all, “she got the way to groove me.”
Oh my…that is the BEST line ever. “Twilight is my Neil Diamond.” Love it!
The books are pretty bad, she’s a horrible writer with no understanding of basic grammar or sentence structure but it’s entertaining enough to pass the time on the subway or on the treadmill.
I love me some Neil Diamond sometimes, too. But I started reading “Twilight” and also could not read past the first few pages. And I’ll read pretty much ANYTHING!
(BTW, if you’re looking for a really great, grown-up vampire series, check out the “Undead” series by Maryjanice Davidson. It is GREAT. The first one is called “Undead and Unwed.” It’s where I learned the term “Asshat.”)
I am also one of the people who read the whole series in order to be able to fight off the “Twilight” junkies with a valid opinion. Those books were pretty bad. The movie was boring and poorly done.
I don’t even buy the “story driven” logic.
Thank God! Someone else with sense. I thought Twilight was one of the biggest loads of passive-aggressive crap I had read in a long time and its really nice to see that theo whole world hasn’t been brainwashed.