By some crazy miracle, I found a spot on the ground floor of the parking garage and pulled in. The thermometer on the dash read 105 and the scowl on my face read What the hell, Texas. I’d had the air vents trained on my head and neck since I left the apartment and the idea of stepping out into the heat, even to make a mad dash to the shiny glass doors at the mall, sent a drop of sweat rolling racing for my butt crack. It’s a good thing I’m stubborn, because had I not been on a very specific mission, I’d have stayed in that car until the gas ran out. I do not do butt sweat.
But, as the elastic on the strapless bra I was wearing was about six years past its prime (I’m pretty sure I remember wearing it to a Fourth of July barbecue in Boston in 2001), I’d decided it was high time to take that boulder holder out to the barn and give it the Old Yeller treatment. Out with the old, in with the Buy One Get One 50% Off. I won’t lie, Macy’s is making this recession exciting.
I got sidetracked only once. Passing by the Junior’s Department, I sought to rectify a sin of omission. The other day, I realized I must be the only woman in the whole free world who doesn’t own a maxi dress. But right then I discovered there’s a reason I don’t own a maxi dress. Not. Flattering. The magic of the maxi dress seems to be a whole lot of fabric bringing a whole lot of attention to the least attractive areas of my body. When I do finally find a dress that highlights my cheek bones and shiny hair, I will buy it in every color. But as for the maxi, well, I took my pear shape and beat it out of there as fast as I could.
In the intimates department, a smiling Eastern European woman (let’s call her Magda) pulled out the measuring tape and some advice to make sure I didn’t leave that place with a lemon. You know how they say that nearly every woman on the face of the planet is wearing the wrong size bra, and how every episode of Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style shows some hapless femme in a 36B given the beautiful gift of learning she’s actually a 32C? Yeah, not me. No magical extra cup size intervention here. I’m still a 34B. And now I’m a 34B who owns two very nice strapless bras that pass Magda’s Flip Test.
“Go like zees,” she said, bending at the waist. “And if zey don’t fleep out, it fits!” I laughed as Magda explained that she’d once wore a bra that did not pass the Flip Test. That’s what I call taking one for the team.
At the register, while keeping one eye on the TV monitor in the corner and another on my purse, I learned two things in rapid succession. I sent out an SOS text.
Sarah Palin resigned, and I lost my keys in Macy’s. One of these things is bad.
Palin was on the TV, but my keys were not in the dressing room, or next to the clearance rack I’d ransacked. Not even in the compartments in my purse they usually are when I “lose” my keys. I knew they were really for real lost – downstairs in the Junior’s Department, among the maxi dresses that made me look like a boa constrictor who’d just swallowed a goat.
I’m telling you, I almost let them stay lost.
I keep hoping that I’ll find that magic bra that will fix all my figure flaws (real and perceived) but – no disrespect to Tim Gunn, but there’s no bra on earth that will make my thighs look thinner!
I lost my keys after a trip to Macy’s on Saturday in San Antonio, Texas. Flippin hot and had to park in the garage too. Small world!
I’m one of those women whose life changed after she got fitted for the right bra–no more back problems, and I instantly looked ten pounds thinner.
As for losing your keys among the maxi dresses. Poor thing. That’s time you’ll never get back
The Old Yeller treatment? Oh, MAN. Hilarious.
i hate buying bras. it’s almost (almost) as bad as swimsuit shopping. or maxi dress shopping. actually, most any shopping experience is highly likely to reduce me to a puddle of tears and a resolve to work out 24 hours a day for the next year. i never have understood the ‘retail therapy’ thing for this exact reason.
Ugh the dreaded trip to purchase a well fitting bra… ewww. Not one of my favorites, as such an errand has caused me nothing but grief my entire life. I’m on the flip side and actually underwent a reduction back in 1998 (Best decision I EVER made for myself!) but, still have more than necessary (and definitely more than the opposite sex knows what to do with them!). I’d take your size and bra issues anyday!!
Glad you found your keys and thanks so much for the heads-up on this “maxi-dress”! I’ll be sure to stay away.
Retail therapy can work for everyone. I hate my thighs, stomach,…ok anywhere you’d put clothes. But my feet! Oh my feet. Small delicate look divine in heels. And the purse for the shoes!! And the ring/necklace/earrings.. It’s all about the accessories.
I need to go bra shopping, but I hate hate hate hate it. The worst part is when you buy a bra and then realize it doesn’t go under one of your favorite shirts. Ugh.
As for the maxi dresses, I won’t try one AT ALL. I’m tiny (5’1″), and it would just make me look like a little kid in my mother’s clothing. Pass, thanks. Plus, I wouldn’t be able to ride my bike in a maxi dress, which I do in other dresses
Oye, I despise bra shopping so much that typically my younger, yes, younger, sister gives me hand-me-downs. Yay.
I have no idea why maxi dresses are in style; they aren’t doing any favors for anyone. What is it they highlight, the clavicle? It’s summer, the one time of year I can show off the one good thing I’ve got: my legs. So why would I cover everything south of my rack in a tent? The only people benefitting from these things are pregnant ladies, and even then, not much.
Maxi dresses are great. They are really like nighties *and* you can wear them out in public. What can be better?
I hate bra shopping too, however. I have never quite been able to put into words why but it makes me frown and mutter under my breath. I never knew other women felt the same way!
In the past two years ive been buying bras just online. Its simple and you got bigger choice.
Jessica-in response to buying bras online, do they fit properly? it scares me to buy a bra online, heck even when i think they will fit me (just from looking at the store, before trying on), they never fit right. there always seems to be a bulge in the wrong place-back, side,etc. though maybe i just need to get a professional fitting, but I hate the thought of some lady measuring my naked boobs and under-boob area.
I’m travelling… (Sorry had to stick that fork in), but with my laptop I try to keep up with my fav blogs. Even typing in the dark at 7 am as my dear husband snoozes so I can use the laptop (mine) that he now thinks of as HIS during the trip. I seldom get to use it.
Oh back to your blog… LOL. I wish I could still wear a strapless bra, I don’t think they come in coconut breast size. I would gladly donate some of my excess boobage to you if I could. The blog was very funny. Yes I too did a small discreate victory dance upon hearing about the Palin resignation. She’s really a walking joke and the saga continues. Poor kids!
THANK YOU for anti-maxi dress post! I too was wondering the same thing, why am I the only woman who doesn’t have one? And then I tried it on. Us “pears” look like hell in them! Just what I need, a dress that clings to my hips and thighs, making them look bigger than actually showing them. Awesome. It’s no wonder you lost your keys in that department, there’s so much fabric, they swallowed them up!
New to your blog, but love it. I read your favorite posts today and am shocked by your profound simplicity. You can explain things that I have done (put up with or felt) in a way I never could. Its nice to know that someone so successful and bright has made the same mistakes as me and is none the worse for it. Thanks Fish, you have a new fan!
Maybe I’m the only one asking, but where DID you find your keys?
You have got to check out this picture of Elliot Stabler. It is very drool worthy:
http://perezhilton.com/2009-07-08-check-out-these-guns
No worries fish, I do not own a maxi dress either..Im not short..but I am not tall, actually I am 5’4 but they are not flattering on me either..I look like im wearing a circus tent and at any moment a band of midgets are going to come out from underneath on unicycles singing yankee doodle dandee.
so true abuot the maxi dress but why can’t we bring back the long bias cut skirt? so comfy, casual for office. flattering to all but those who like the maki dress for it’s suppossed (sack like) camoflage of lumpy middle section. Psst – the babydoll was always the proper choice for girls with slimmer arms and legs and more ‘robust’ torso.
I must say, these last few posts were really quite good, and witty, and readable and fun. Seems like there’s been a shift or something, and I like it. Keep up the great posts!
“One of these things is bad.” Literally guffawed. Thank you.
I have to disagree about the maxi dress being universally unflattering. I wore one to a wedding last Friday night and was told repeatedly how flattering it was. I think it depends on the dress.
I have found retail therapy to be quite enjoyable when it does NOT include clothing. Electronics department here I come.
Wasn’t sure what a maxi-dress was until Sarah and Venus clarified with their descriptions. Just what I need at 5’1″ NOT. I tried one on back in my early 20′s, that was enough for me.
I hate shopping for bras because I never know what size I’m going to need. My weight bounces up and down enough that I never seem to have a bra that fits even though I think I’ve gotten quite good at getting the right size at the time of purchase. A few months back I purchased two new bras, they fit great…at the time. I’ve lost weight since. I’ll just wait it out, winter will come and the darn things will fit again. That is, they’ll fit nicely as long as I don’t gain ALL the weight back.