This week, I flew halfway across the country to participate in an intervention for someone I love desperately. The intervention failed. We failed. I’m pretty sure that goes down in the books as the worst day of my life.
There’s a lot of brain energy – soul energy – that goes into an intervention. Weeks and months of worry and planning, so much heaviness hanging from such spindly threads of hope and then, in the aftermath, you’re left with so much nothingness. Food you don’t really taste and sleep that can’t leave you rested. And then there’s the anger, because everyone needs someone else to blame. Oddly, it feels like the dress rehearsal for mourning.
I’m so sorry. Don’t give up hope, sometimes it takes a while for people to accept help. Take care of yourself.
Sending you warm + loving thoughts right now. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. *internet hug*
Sending hugs and love, Heather. I’m sorry it didn’t work out like you had hoped.
My heart breaks for you and this situation. I hope you can find some way to return to peace after such a difficult event. Best thoughts for you.
I am so sorry to read this. I can feel the heavyness in your heart in this post. I hope so much that your loved one will get through this.. And that you will feel at peace that you did all you could.
I’m so sorry! We had to do this with my sister once and while it ultimately worked, she still won’t admit to this day that she had a problem. At least you’ll never be able to say you didn’t try. As much as we want to make them do what we say, it’s ultimately up to them. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that they come around and accept your obviously willing help.
Love yourself, and your husband, it sounds like you’ve given so much. What will be, will be.
Sorry you had to experience that. I had the same experience 3 yrs ago. Failed also. Stick to your bottom line for your loved one though. The tough love approach can take awhile but it does work for some.
I’m sorry to see that the latest post from you is a sad one. I look forward to your blog and I always wish you (and by proxy those you love) the best. I hope this person gets help and you are able to find peace.
I’m so sorry. You did the best you could, I’m sure.
And just because the intervention failed doesn’t mean you failed. It’s like trying to stop a hurricane. You can sandbag and board up the window, but until it’s done, there’s not much more you can do.
Carolyn – this is the best way to describe it I have heard in a while, so much so in fact that I passed your words along to my parents as we continue to struggle with the actions of one of my siblings.
Heather – I understand the feeling and the loss of hope. However, all you can do is continue to hope and continue to try. It very much feels like a very very long hurricane.
Wow. I’m so sorry. That really, really sucks. But do know that you did the best you were able to do. It’s up to them now. They may just need some time to come to terms with their problem.
I’ll send up some good Karma and healing thoughts (or prayers if you prefer) for all of you. xo
I have been there. I have felt that feeling of emptiness, the anger with no place to go, the physical pain of a breaking heart.
My thoughts are with you and those you love, Heather. The only advice I can give is to accept all the hugs that are offered, the hands that are extended, the ears that are leant.
This is the heartbreaking downside to having people in your life that you love. It is important to look after yourself and do what you need to do to keep yourself sane, well and functioning in order that you can be a help to this person in the long term, if that is possible. That is what i try to tell myself anyway. Hope things work out for this person and sorry you are going through hard times.
Damn. I’m so sorry.
*hugs* You tried. Sometimes that’s all you can do.
I am so sorry. Please know that you did everything you could and that person did hear what you had to say. I hope you get some peace soon.
I’m sorry too. I’d love all broken people to be whole.
I’m so sorry. I think the important thing is that you tried.
I’m sorry to hear that, Heather.
Internet-hugs to you.
Oh, my. I’m sorry your friend/family are going through a hard time, and sorry you are going through a hard time. I hope the day is beautiful and you are happy for a long moment.
It does kind of feel like practice for mourning, right? Worst day ever.
xoxo
{{HUGS}}
That’s rough… I am so sorry it did not work, but is not a reflection on your efforts or abilities in any way.
If anything, the fact that you have spent days, weeks, and months working on the intervention speaks to what an empathetic, caring, and thoughtful person you are.
Ditto what Melanie (and everyone else here) said. Sending my thoughts to you and those you love.
Been there. It was awful. It didn’t work. We felt helpless. The person eventually did get clean and sober but my relationship with him has never been the same. Def. one of the worst days.
Take care of yourself during this aftermath.
You never know. The intervention may have planted a seed that will lie dormant and later begin to grow. People give it up on their own time, when they are ready. I just celebrated 20 years sober, and I’ve seen so many people get it in so many ways. It’s usually not like what we see on TV. I personally didn’t stop when others thought I should– it took time for me to get there on my own. I’m pulling for this person you care so much about.
Oh my!
I’m so sorry, Heather.
You and your loved one are in my thoughts.
Take care you! xo
All I can say is I understand.
You didn’t fail. The thing I have learned in living life with an addict, living with an addict is that I can’t save them. I can’t save him. I can help him. Encourage him. Build him up. But at the end of the day, it’s his choice. To be sober or to use. And in the end, to be with me or be with his drug of choice. He chose the drug.
You can’t fix it Heather. You seem to be similar to me in how you deal with problems. You face them head on, solve and move on to the next. But people… you can’t fix them. And it hurts deep down, to the very core of your being.
You were a good friend. And intervention is intimidating as hell and panic attack inducing and yet you still attended. And traveled a long way to do so. You are a good friend and you did what you could and that is all you can do. The hurricane description that Carolyn gave is perfect.
The only person we can save is ourselves. That is a hard pill to swallow.
Hugs to you. Great big hugs. xoxo
All I can say is I understand.
You didn’t fail. The thing I have learned in living life with an addict, living with an addict is that I can’t save them. I can’t save him. I can help him. Encourage him. Build him up. But at the end of the day, it’s his choice. To be sober or to use. And in the end, to be with me or be with his drug of choice. He chose the drug.
You can’t fix it Heather. You seem to be similar to me in how you deal with problems. You face them head on, solve and move on to the next. But people… you can’t fix them. And it hurts deep down, to the very core of your being.
You were a good friend. And intervention is intimidating as hell and panic attack inducing and yet you still attended. And traveled a long way to do so. You are a good friend and you did what you could and that is all you can do. The hurricane description that Carolyn gave is perfect.
The only person we can save is ourselves. That is a hard pill to swallow.
Hugs to you. Great big hugs. xoxo
At the end of the day as with the golden throated ‘Ted Williams’ on the Dr. Phil show, long term solutions are not about quick fixes of his teeth, but the afflicted’s knowledge of himself and continuing to ‘ask the questions.’ If they can’t or won’t or don’t, as Elvis Costello says ‘stand up for falling down’ then they may not in this lifetime. It is best to continue to be non-judgemental and know you’ve done your best, Heather.
{{{hug}}} thought you might need a hug
I am so sorry, Heather.
My family has been through this, with similar restraint — then, unfortunately, eventual tragic results. It’s hard not to pass (or share) the blame, but know that you did what you could to change a situation in which a person needs help. But ultimately, that person needs to help himself. Your compassion is remarkable, and I hope you can find peace with that.
My thoughts are with you, your family and friends.
Every day I look at my Google Reader, hoping you’ll have come back with a happy ending. I’m so sorry to hear this and my thoughts are with you.
Fish, I’m so sorry to hear that. However, if the expectation was that an intervention would “work”, that may not have been the best assumption going in. The fact is, that intervention is just one step of many (the many that got you there, and the many ahead.)
I’ve been through the addiction process twice: once with my father-in-law and once with my daughter. It is a horrible experience to watch a loved one go through this, but also for the family who also goes through the hell of addiction and recovery of their addict.
My father-in-law took about 5 years before he finally took his last drink. One intervention and 3 stints in rehab. My daughter, well… she was more of a challenge and her situation was more severe and complex.
Both of them recovered fully and had/have a good life (father-in-law died years ago, but clean.) My daughter hasn’t had a problem in almost 10 years and it’s just a blip on the radar looking back.
I tell you this only because the notion of intervention not working is flawed. The fact is, it’s only ONE step. There will be other steps, and it’s the aggregation of all of the steps that determines failure or ultimate success.
Just love your addict and your family and hold onto your wonderful husband. You can’t fix things for everybody — sometimes you have to let go and live your own life.
Dear Heather:
I’m sorry that you have had to experience this heartbreak. I will join with others in saying that YOU pass the test of a great person, regardless of what happens as a result of your efforts.
Let me use a weird analogy: I saw the musical “Billy Elliot” tonight. If you think about his teacher as just herself, who is she? A cuckolded wife; a failed performer in her own right? But what she gave to Billy is priceless, a gift beyond imagination in some ways. It’s not something you can see in her face or her circumstances. But anyone who knows what she has given of herself to others knows what greatness she has loosed in the world.
Best wishes,
Michael
Just wanted you to know that I’ve been thinking about you and I’m hoping that you are well.
Peace.
Missing your posts. Sending a hug your way. I hope that all is well in your world.
Dear Heather,
Having followed your adventures for the best part of four years and having been so mightily amused by the stories you have told (particularly your European trip) and being so touched by the very human way that you have told us about your life, I am sure I am one of many who have been so concerned about your silence since January 5th. I know I am not alone in hoping that you actually are well and happy and really just too busy (actually) to settle down at the keyboard to amuse us all. Fondest good wishes to you from here in south east London.
Does anyone know if Heather is okay? She’s been gone so long…
I miss her posts too. Heather is an amazing writer and touches on emotions so many of have and do share. However I *think* she is OK — she twitters regularly (click on little bluebird symbol at top of her blog). Although her tweets lack the style, humor and poignancy of her fishblogs, the constancy of the tweeting would suggest she is not in trouble but maybe just tiring of this outlet and connection in her life. A loss for us (especially long long time readers)who have adopted her virtually, if not in real life….At least that is my take.
Hope all is well, missed ya this last month. Hopefully it’s all good news in your world.
@Maryela: I was coming here to ask the same thing.
Fish, please tell us you’re here and OK. No big post needed.
Like everyone else – just want to send Heather a shout to let her know that her readers are thinking of her and missing her. Thoughts to her and the Dork Lord hoping that everything is okay.
I’ve been checking daily for an update and hoping that the reason for Heather’s silence here is nothing serious.
We miss you!
Hoping all is okay… we are thinking of you and hoping the silence is due to a busy start in 2012. As Maryela says your’ve been gone so long… come on back!!!
Just to echo what John said above, hoping all is well with you and your friend. Sending you love and positive thoughts from England. x
i hope ari is okay
Please, Heather…just send up a small flare…
It has been a while, but she is still posting on Twitter. http://twitter.com/thisfishy
I cannot speak to Heather’s mental health, but she does currently has a cold.
i think about you everyday. you are on my favorites list and are literally in front of my face all day. well, your blog name is.
i pray for you and hope you are well. no pressure, just wanting you to know that you are missed. and loved. by strangers who feel like you are really our friend.
Im sorry you’ve had to go through that, I’ve no idea what to say. Maybe just keep getting up each day and do what’s in your heart?
Where have you gone? I hope your January got better and February showers you in love.
She’s still posting on Twitter so I’m sure she’s fine, just busy.
It has been a while, but she is still posting on Twitter. http://twitter.com/thisfishy
I cannot speak to Heather’s mental health, but she does currently have a cold.
Sarah: Ari?! :,(
So, the obvs, haunting me all day. . .this isn’t about E, is this?! I pray not.
Just realized I hadn’t checked this site in months and saw this.
I’ve “failed” at the same for oh, six years now? I’ve been living in a state of that constant rehearsal. My resolution this New Year was to find a different way to deal with this so it doesn’t feel like I’m pined under a boulder. But at least once a day I find my mind idly playing where-will-I-be-when-I-get-the-call? Who will be with me? What will I pack to wear?
I’ve looked it up; there should be a word for fear of grief.