It was completely unintentional. But I did it nonetheless. As the conversation shifted, I breathed a sigh of relief and it occurred to me,
I have just levied the Henry Kissinger Test.
An acquaintance once remarked that though he and his then significant other did not have much in common, it was the fact that she didn’t know who Henry Kissinger was that threw him over the top. They broke up very soon after.
The other night while pretzled on the sofa watching Team America, I made a joke about the election. What followed was a brief, snarky talk about politics, in which I mentioned Mr. Kissinger.
“Too bad he’s foreign-born. You think they’ll ever change the laws about presidency?”
“You just want Arnold to be president,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“So?”
And there it was. The results of an unconsciously levied exam.
He refers to our differences with a bit of dramatic flair. Two kids from opposite sides of the tracks. But tracks, schmacks, I say. I’m really not concerned. He passed the Henry Kissinger Test. And that other important one. You know, the Puts the Toilet Seat Down Test. He nailed that one on the first try, too.
Not bad. I once left a woman after she relayed the following:
“So, I was on a plane, business class, sitting next to this guy who kept going on and on about Tibet. So, finally, I had to ask: ‘What’s Tibet?’”
GONE!
There’s someone who didn’t know who Henry Kissinger is? Passing that test is extremely important. Little things that mean a lot… and that kinda thing.
yes, tests, shmests, coexsisting is test enough, without extra figurative hoops to jump through. As time goes on you’ll fail the person and please the person thousands of little ways, just by running your mouth…so there has to be something greater that brings and keeps us together.
I guess I was making this more complicated than it needed to be; I thought the “test” was his position on the Arnold-for-president question.
HMMM, My GF would so fail the Kissenger test.
Witness this exchange:
Me: “What about Venus? It’s always cloudy on Venus and it’s WAY hotter than anywhere on Earth.”
Her: “Yeah? Well, how many suns does Venus have?”
Me: “…”
I was just talking with a friend about dating tests last night. I have two. First, the Do-I-Like-His-Name? test. I dated a guy for a long time (stupidly) whose name I never really liked. One of my favorite boyfriends ever had this great unique name, so it naturally follows he was wonderful as well.
The second is does he like tomatoes? None of this “I only eat them cooked.” or “I don’t like the skin.” Ya just gotta like them. Otherwise I don’t think we can be friends.
But I like the Kissinger Test.
I use the safari test. I went on a date with a guy who wasn’t interested in going on a safari, ever. I found this highly problematic. Hence, the safari test.
My predilection for dating political staffers means they pretty much all pass the Kissinger test. The buying-flowers-for-no-good-reason test or the help-make-the-bed-after-you-stay-the-night test on the other hand are not always the no brainers a girl would hope for.
Seriously, I would be more concerned about the Arnold thing.
How did he pass the test, exactly? Sarcasm?
New to the site, I’m instantly a fan! Regarding tests, all potential sleepover friends have to pass the Nerdier-than-Thou test. If they can name the really obscure x-men, discuss their favorite brand of brimmed hat, or openly admire another man’s argyle sweater, they’re in.
Katherine? BY KNOWING WHO HE IS.
Sometimes I wonder if some people actually read before commenting.
I must admit I had to Google Kissinger. Wow…am I glad I read this entry to be able to pass future tests. Although I agree that my test would be the Arnold for presidency thing.
If someone asked me who Kissinger was and I responded, ” A nobel prize winner.” Would I still be in the game?
Just curious.
I would have failed by not knowing he was foreign born. I suppose the accent is a dead giveaway but I just think of it as a weird quirk. (Yeah, don’t know much about him.)
In Katherine’s defense, Fish, it was not written that clearly. Yes, the reader should be able to make the transition, but you didn’t make it easy.
But Sarah, it’s in BOLD. The words “she didn’t know who Henry Kissinger was” is in BOLD. BOLD.
I once dated a guy who told me about a test he had apparently given me after it was over. It was a, “I’m going to unlock the car on the passenger side first, open the door for her, and then see if she leans over and unlocks the driver’s side door for me” test. I passed, but I got really pissed off when he told me afterwards. I thought that since it was during one of our first few dates, I might have been too nervous to lean over and open the door for him. When I date someone new sometimes I get paralyzingly nervous. Anyway, he turned out to be schmuck who failed my “I just had surgery let’s see if he calls” test. He didn’t call for three days. GONE.
Like I said, I didn’t do it on purpose. And if he didn’t know who Kissinger was? I’d buy him a book or something. He’s just that totally keepable.
My girlfriend test is even more simple:
1- have you, or would you ever sleep with any of my brothers?
2- Would you have the decency to wake me up before attempting to stab me in bed?
Amanda, the answer ‘War Criminal’ would probably get you more points. I know, I know “This is not a productive area of discussion”.
Kissinger’s too easy. Spiro Agnew, on the other hand…
K, my impression was that she (Katherine) didn’t understand how the test was passed (whether it be sarcasm or knowledge of). BTW, beautiful Xmas spread, you have a knack!
Aww, Sarah, there you go, complimenting my cooking. I can’t resist people complimenting my cooking. C’mere, you big put-em-there. Kissy kiss.
How’d you get ahold of a VHS/DVD of “Team America”?
Fish, I bet you would’ve been more impressed had he not only passed the Kissinger test, but also agreed with the likes of Christopher Hitchens as to what a despicable politician he was. Now THAT’S the test to pass. No? Yea?
Robotnik,
I don’t have a lot of strong political feelings. I just think that some level of cultural/political literacy should be standard. I don’t care if you say, ever read Steinbeck, but you should know who he was!
the test:
He must be nice to my cat. And not in that uninterested dismissive “oh she has a cat but I’ll put up with it…” sort of way. No. I must see actual petting.
And if she for whatever reason doesn’t like you, YOU’RE OUT.
I will die single. With many cats.
If it had been me asking that question (adminstering the test, so to speak) I would have expected sarcasm or humour, hence my comment. That’s because I find Kissinger rather offensive as a human being. I don’t see the point in testing one’s prospective partner for superficial knowledge about a subject that doesn’t interest you particularly. If it doesn’t bother you that he’d like to see Kissinger as President (i.e. his response wasn’t sarcastic and he actually meant it), why would you care one iota about him knowing who Kissinger is? Obviously it’s completely unimportant. It seems it is you who doesn’t know anything about Kissinger. I could be wrong, but your response makes it seem that way. Ditto for Steinbeck…he must know who Steinbeck was without having read him or taken any interest in him? What for? Trivial pursuit games?
Wow….Katherine, you take things WAY too seriously. A liiiiiitle too much thought went into that.
Fish, you are a kind woman. I get all fiery when it comes to Kissinger–that swine. But I do see your point. Aaah…Steinbeck; now why did you have to go mention him? What a wonderful writer he was. “Winter of Our Discontent”is by far my favorite, though “The Pearl” is up there too. Also “Cannery Row,” and …Ok…”Grapes” could perhaps be a candidate for best American Novel of the 20th Century (although I think Fitz’s Gatsby might take that). Damitol, now I digress…
Anyway, yes…Fish, I dig.
“Gatsby” most definitely.
Fish, any way you could have your boy train mine to put the toilet seat down? He argues that it’s just as logical for me to put the toilet seat back up after I use it, and sadly, he has a point.
Actually, you could win this one – if you put both seats down, there will be less germs shot in the air
“Each time that it is flushed your toilet propels invisible bacterial and viral aerosols into the air that can float for up to 2 hours.” – Securityworld.com
Megan is right–plus, it’s the ultimate compromise.
I heard the title of “Grapes” translates in Japanese into “The Angry Raisins.” I’m just saying.