Have just been handed CD by IRB… made especially for yours truly.

If was sixteen, that would signal engagement.

Have found that any which way the following story is told, The Lieutenant comes off as more charming than cocky… and am inclined to think that it’s due to own story telling majesty, as The Lieutenant was anything but charming.

Broad shouldered in a well-fitted gray t-shirt? Yes.
In possession of biceps bigger than this gal’s thighs (and we hardly thought THAT possible)? Mmm hmm.
Cocky? Sure
Arrogant? Absolutely. And ordinarily, would scoop such a beast up in a heartbeat and earn nasty chin burn in the backseat of an outbound cab. But The Lieutenant was irksome from first minute he bullied his way into a space at table with yours truly and galpals. As was designated driver, and thus v. sober, did nothing to disguise dislike for Air Force fellow. Finally, after nearly an hour of I’m-So-Great stories, was asked

L: Why do you hate me?
H: I don’t hate you. I just don’t like you.
L: Why not?
H: You’re arrogant.
L: Well, give me five reasons you don’t like me and I’ll go away.
H: Promise?

With help of galpals completed list of wrongs.
1. Arrogant (yes, Lieutenant, it counts)
2. Is BoobTalker (hello? Yes, am up here. Not in my bra.)
3. Is lazy (with bar being five steps away, must have girl fetch his drink??)
4. Must be in possession of v. small penis.
5. Is full of shit. (no explanation needed.)

Left as promised, but returned in short order.

H: You promised. Why are you still here?
L: It intrigues me how much you hate me. Plus, you’re very attractive.
H: Yeah, well, go be intrigued somewhere else.
L: Oh, come on! I’m not that bad! You’d like me if you got to know me!
H: No YOU come on! Do you want to know why I think you’re arrogant? Because you’ve been sitting at my table for over an hour, selling bullshit stories, attempting to impress me, and in that hour you haven’t so much as asked my name!
L: Silence.

Bizarre display of Never-Say-Die attitude lasted entire evening. Felt v. sorry for Lieutenant’s friends who made noble attempts at rescuing yours truly.

W: I’m really sorry. I tried to get him to leave.
H: What’s his deal?!
W: I guess he really likes you. You don’t seem to be too in love though…
H: My heart is all a flutter. He’s a masochist. The meaner I am, the harder he tries.

Turned into quite the joke, and by evening’s end, poor fool was monikered as The Boyfriend. Lieutenant Boyfriend. Am hoping Lieutenant Boyfriend did not feel too jilted when escaped with pals and headed for home.

Aim High, Air Force indeed.

Having just woken from nice warm cuddle with kitten, called West Coast sister for lazy chat.

WCS: What’s up?
H: Ah, nothing. Just having a cuddle with the kitten.
WCS: A cuddle? I am EX-cessively fond of the cuddle!
H: (realizing that are now quoting Emma) A cuddle is a cuddle, but a cuddle on a dreary Sunday afternoon…

At which point, RK gets creeped out by really terrible British accent and leaps from bed, ending warm fuzzy moment. With innocent ears out of range, shared Indie Rock Saga with WCS.

H: He said something about it not being a good idea for him to come in. Which, of course, was my cue to insist on it. Imagine his surprise when I said I wasn’t inviting him in!
WCS: (laughing) Awesome! What did he do?
H: I don’t know… I handed him a $20 for the cab and got out. He called my cell a few minutes later, but I didn’t answer.

Most intriguing thing about new IRB developments is that… IRB has quit working at Monkey Firm. Indeed. As of Wednesday, will be working for competing firm less than a block away. Overheard IRB telling coworkers (those encouraging the coupling of yours truly and IRB) that since will no longer be working together, is much more of a possibility. Would be ecstatic at idea of having new yummy kissing partner except that IRB is not over HIS ex and yours truly, well, still dismantling each new contender for J’s spot in this gal’s psyche, social calendar and bed.

Indeed. Time will tell.

Made out with Indie Rock Boy in cab last night on way home from night out with coworkers.

Yum.

That is all.

Am not sure how hours flew by, but at noon, had to stop and take a breath.

Nice Office Lady: H, stop right there.
H: What?
NOL: You’re wearing out the carpet in here. Go sit down.
H: Ha! I wish!
NOL: There’s no grass growing under your feet, is there?!
H: No time for grass!! No time!!

Made mad dash back to office where phone was rinigng and several “Please fulfill my every need” emails were waiting. So far, new job title hasn’t brought new money… just new craziness.

SHOW
Me
the
Money.

Please?

Spent yesterday evening in company of wonderful friends at celebratory steak dinner, complete with lovely strawberry margaritas. Turned in relatively early, though, but not until after having snuggle time with sporadically un-Reluctant Kitten. Seems as though batter-recharging moments are not quite making up for battery draining work sessions.

Ah well. The price one pays for being important Circus Clown.

Was basking in glow of having been told that was finally receiving hard-earned promotion from Circus Monkey to Circus Clown, when cell phone rang.

It was J.

Am not certain that can adequately find words for massive surge of varying emotions that came and went during nearly one-hour phone call. But do know that felt quite scattered afterward.

J: I’ve wanted to call for a long time, but didn’t know if it would have been okay.
H: It wouldn’t have been.
J: I just haven’t talked to you in so long. You were one of my best friends and you just went away.
H: I know… it’s been months. Three, I guess.
J: I want to say this, but I have to think about it first so I don’t sound like a moron.
H: I’m used to your brand of Moron, so just say it.
J: Ha! Thanks, I think…
H: You’re welcome.
J: Anyway, I just want you to know that, even though I know it had to feel that way, I wasn’t with you until I found something… better. That sounds so awful, but I mean, I don’t want you to think you weren’t good enough.
H: Well, you’re right. That’s how it looked. But we both knew what we were getting ourselves into. And that it wasn’t going to turn out well. But what you know and how you feel aren’t always the same.
J: I know. All those long drives in quiet, trying to sort things out in my head…
H: Yeah, well…
J: Listen, if you ever want to, you know I’m always around and my phone’s always with me.

The chit-chat and banter made it seem as though no time had passed, but the feeling that our lives have gone on quite normally without one another was unsettling.

J: Yeah, you are totally right. It will never be the same, and I don’t know what will come of it from now on, but I think we should stay in touch. That is if you want to…

Oh, the question that have asked myself over and over. On one hand, there is so much to miss about what J and yours truly had together. But am inclined to think that should be looking to form that with someone else, rather than rekindle it with J.

Don’t know. Just don’t know.

Was supposed to work late again, but instead, spent yesterday lounging in sun on back porch, eating ice cream cones and sleeping day away in v. comfy bed. Still don’t feel rested, somehow. Though, that may be attributed to fact that went to 9:45 showing of Matrix Reloaded with a few friends and Boy #2.

RK has yet to forgive yours truly for last week’s veterinary encounter in which she was deprived of her womanhood. Is back to hiding under furniture and making mad dash from windowsills when hears approaching footsteps. Am back to being kitten mother failure.

Have not made it to the gym in a week and am feeling lethargic and just plain icky. Will force self to go back tomorrow.

Friday’s meeting with Man in Charge went badly. V. badly indeed. Though was quite highly reccommended for new position by soon-to-be-leaving boss, Man in Charge took time out of his day to make the following comments to that end:

– You’re just the kid in the corner. If you wanted to make a real impression, you’d have coffee and donuts at the 8 AM Monday meetings.

- The first thing you need to learn how to do is write.

- Don’t come into the president’s office without having all the answers. I am only being this harsh to help you grow. Growth takes discomfort.

- You didn’t start off your memo to me with “dear.” If you want to make a good impression, you never forget very important things like that.

Um, alright.

Dear Sir.

H

Have already begun updating resume which will be sending out, along with stellar letter of reccommendation by soon-to-be-leaving boss. Man in Charge is going to be quite full after eating those words.

Spent last evening with gal pals, giving v. basics of yoga practice. Must say, was v. fun! At the same time, was not quite as productive as needed for true practice, as more giggling than concentrating went on. Minor sacrifice!

While is true that am no yogi, have learned quite a bit from own practice and have begun to take it much more seriously. And love it. Now, if only could stop binge eating, am certain results would show more. Ah, well. Them’s the breaks.

Have appointment with same gal pals for waxing extravaganza this evening. Am tempted to go home and smoke some vitamin THC to prepare, as have vivid memory of last encounter with such pain, but time will not allow.

Drat.

Big Boss at monkey job is flying in this afternoon to meet with yours truly and couple others to discuss new direction that monkey job will take. Do hope that means am getting new Fez to wear. Old monkey costume is getting quite out-dated.

Speaking of dated, finally had face to face with D last night. Took a long a friend as security guard/second opinion. Friend thinks D is v. cute and nice and am inclined to agree. A bit on the skinny side, but am trying to refrain from dismantling poor man and give him a fighting chance. Have date on Thursday, as well, with bio-medical researcher fellow. Then have also arranged meeting with writer fellow while out with friends Saturday night. Just the hello-nice-to-see-you type meeting to assess the possibilities. Spending all day e-flirting with all three makes for one busy Fish.

Great Divorce became final over last couple days and UMF and NACF will finally be going their separate ways. Am not certain how to feel about the situation, but do know am not the most affected by it. Younger siblings seem to be getting caught in crossfire. Have issued bullet-proof vests. Fighting parental figures need to lay off.

H: People wondered if you were Mr. Poopy Pants.
B: I am NOT poopy!
H: I know that! You’ve just been laying low and the masses are starting to wonder where you’ve gone. They need an update.
B: Tell them I’m still trying to get into your pants.
H: Ha! No good. I’m wearing a skirt today. Not pants.

Is true that B has been laying quite low these days as is one v. busy B. B and Thin Blonde Girlfriend are making the leap to live-in lovin’ soon. A hearty congratulations is due and a welcome to the world of the grown ups. Am not part of said world, so imagine someone else had better do the welcoming.

As is Meeting Monday, had to dress like am part of grown up world, and thus, clad in suit jacket and slightly irresponsibly short skirt, feel something like a flight attendant. Coffee? Juice? Sir, could you please fasten your seat belt for take off?

The real Mr. Poopy Pants has requested lunch meeting sometime this week. Am not certain that am up to such a task, but will have a pre-lunch cocktail as insurance.

Reluctant Kitten has demolished v. nice houseplant belonging to roommate.

Came home from work the other day to see toppled greenery and felt quite bad about it. Spent yesterday morning consulting coworkers with expertise in field of plant life so as to identify the deceased (brought in sample leaves and part of stem) so that might replace it. As of yet, remains unidentified, but hope to be plant shopping by week’s end.

Lord knows that don’t need yet another reason to aggravate roommate.

Am taking RK to v. expensive kitty doctor this afternoon for check-up, vaccinations and pre-farewell-to-her-womanhood consultation. Indeed. RK is getting fixed. Though, can’t really see how “fixed” is the proper word for this sort of thing, as cannot see that she is broken in anyway. But will certainly be nice to bring end to mewling for 5 days every month. Hmm… wonder if can get same sort of consultation for self…

Have a close acquaintance who has horrible misfortune of never being happy.

Or at least, would seem is not happy unless he has someone to be upset with. He pouts, fusses and makes enormous displays of being displeased with those he is closest to. If he’s upset with his significant other, yours truly is in v. good graces. Yet, if things are running smoothly in that department, am in the shithouse. And for things that HE does wrong.

He says something ridiculously rude, and as am prone to shrug such things off, do so, and thus become recipient of the world’s coldest shoulder. He breaks something, borrows something and doesn’t return it, and gets mystically angry at this gal. Eh?? Dear lord, is it possible that he has eternal PMS?

Thus, spend most of my time around said Mr. Poopy Pants, watching my every move. Try to say what should be least misconstrued, make sure nothing is in his way, and still, suffer the wrath of his unpredictable, and if am being honest, totally FUCKING ANNOYING bad moods.

Apart from that, the two of us get along just fine.

It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a single girl in possession of a pert tushy (and wearing rather tight yoga pants) must be in want of a discount.

Man at Video Store: Looks like you have some late fees.
H: Uh… well, yeah. I turned one in empty last time. *nervous laugh* please don’t think I’m a complete retard.
MAVS: *laughing* That would be The Score, right?
H: Yeah. Sorry about that.
MAVS: No problem. But what about The Secretary? That was late, too.
H: What? I thought that was due the day after the other? *sigh* handing over a ten dollar bill
MAVS: Nah, don’t worry about it. Your total is $3.97.
H: For three DVDs?
MAVS: Discount for taking my recommendation. *winks*
H: *laughing* Thanks.
MAVS: See you later.

Will continue to let Man at Video Store make rental recommendations if it means not paying for them. Have no problem accepting such gifts. Afterall, was not prancing into store thrusting cleavage at poor fellow. In fact, was post-gym sweaty, make-up less and probably less than appealing-smelling. Is yoga pants, am certain. Just too booty-licious.

Seven pounds to go. Am certain that weekend binge-eating did not help. But was praying to gods of higher metabolism that wouldn’t be too huge of a setback. But, dear GOD, how hard is it to lose 10 pounds?!

Aside from standard I-Want-a-Hysterectomy moping, passed v. nice weekend.

Though not in much of a party spirit, attended small but amusing party at friend’s apartment on Friday night. Did not drink, so as not to encourage any added nausea, and spent majority of party lounging on v. soft leather couches watching friends hop about to Dance Dance Revolution. So fun!

Had delightful Saturday at ballpark taking in hot dogs, ice-cream and oh-so-much sun. Am like peppermint candy — white, red, white, red. Could sun not have been directly overhead?! Good lord.

Is v. sunny out, and am back at work wishing there were some sort of law making work on v. sunny days illegal. Sunny days are for picnics, canoes and laying ’round doing nothing more taxing than lifting v. good book and glass of lemonade. Someone must tell higher-ups.

Still have not had tête-à-tête with D. Am shooting for next Monday. In meantime, must get legs waxed (on schedule for this afternoon), PMS skin back to normal (will pray for intervention) and head back to gym to make binge-eating reparations. Must put best foot forward, after all. Speaking of feet… must make appointment for pedicure.

Yesterday, suffered v. severely from the blahs.

Didn’t help that was v. gray day and that heavy air smelled like wet cats. Could not quite shake icky, melancholy feeling, and then realized, was merely friendly reminder that am indeed, not pregnant.

Starve a cold, feed PMS. Have been eating nonstop.

Had decent work out at gym last night, was feeling fine. But while sprinting for bus this morning, felt ripping pain in both quad muscles. Spent bus ride in near-to-tears agony.
Am now nauseously doped up on Vicodin and wishing could be home.
Oh, and it’s raining.

Lovely.

Through random browsing of personal ads (in cruel attmept to find one belonging to a friend, with intent to mock) saw ad belonging to D. Stopped galpal from scrolling futher to take better look. Read profile belonging to bright eyed stranger and decided that simply had to make contact. And did.

Have been exchanging emails with said virtual stranger for couple weeks, and at one point, D mentioned an evening shift at a local brewery. Only option for yours truly at that point was to enlist services of Scheming Officemate and go on a spy adventure.

In person, D looked just like his picture. A-dorable. Scheming Officemate gave her thumbs up, and after drinks and dinner, two v. stealthy spies slipped out of brewery as anonymously as had slipped in. Felt v. silly and v. mischievous and had wonderfully giggly time being spy.

Confessed intrusion to D the next day who had one of his own.

D: To make a confession on my part, it was somewhat intentional. Wasn’t really sure if you’d show up, but I was pretty confident that I’d be able spot you if you did… apparently not.

H: We were incognito. I wanted to do it kinda low-key. Low-key turned out to be kinda stalkerish, but what can ya do.

D: Maybe you could come by again sometime and actually introduce yourself… just pretend like we’ve never chatted before and that we didn’t meet online.

H: Oh, you’re crazy if you think I’d tell anyone that I met someone online. Nope. I’d tell them we met at AA. That works. “We met at AA.” Or, a support group for midget porn addicts?

D: Ha! Ok, so, In the meantime, we should really explore this “midget porn” thing some more… I really think you’re on to something there.

Whether D is Fish Bicycle material, remains to be seen. But quite the fun adventure, nonetheless. And adventures are often too few and far between. Will be exploiting this one to the fullest.

Indeed.

Dear Lisa Marie Presley,

Dig the album. A lot. Dig even more the dedication you wrote to your brother. Girl, you got yourself one smart-ass sense of humor. I get why you always look so pissed in the photos I see of you in People or US magazine.

I think we should have lunch sometime, you and I. I mean it. Some wine, a big salad. Room for dessert. I won’t bring the press. And maybe you can tell me who you wrote that song about. You know, the really angry one.

Anyway, give me a call or something.

Fondly,

H

Am so v. confused.

When ringing up purchases at GAP sale yesterday, was surprised to find that one purchase, though showing up on receipt, came attached to $0 price. Cashier shrugged and said to forget it. And when was stepping off bus this morning, at never-before-visited bus stop (was taking alternate route), found twenty-dollar bill in gutter. What?! Well, yippee, but, am still confused.

After having been butt of Money Karma jokes for last long while, why, suddenly, is this girl being blessed by pennies from heaven??

And even better question is: don’t these things come in threes?

Do hope so.

V. Large Lady next to yours truly on the bus this morning was producing an awful amount of body heat. On-verge-of-rain weather made it humid enough without sitting next to Pizza the Hut’s ex-fiancée. Shuddered when VLL got up to reveal wet spot on plastic seat. Oh, ick!

Am horrible, cruel girl.

Subjected self to such a brutal workout last night that further punished/relieved self with hour of early morning yoga session to un-kink v. kinked muscles. Whole process was v. amusing to Reluctant Kitten who distracted concentrated breathing by viciously attacking drawstring of lounge pants. Was also distracted by the fact that, having formerly been able to bend v. easily in half, was barely able to make nose meet knees in several awkward poses. What gives? Must learn to balance yoga with every five mile run or will end up quite gnarled and un-bendy.

Nine pounds to go.

Still.

Hmmm.

Pictures are in from Friday Night Debauchery…and must say, no one can molest a bowling pin quite like yours truly. Hmm. Indeed. Am also wondering just how many photos exist out there with this gal kissing another gal just for kicks. Am v. fond of boys. Really.

Spent yesterday in sunny downtown area, wandering about with roommate. Came away a few pounds heavier (thank you, Mr. Ice Cream Vendor) and with new foot jewelry. Was a v. nice day, though still did not get any sun. Am feeling v. pasty and could really use some sort of UV light. Perhaps will take a trip to Please Give Me Cancer center at lunch.

Freckle me, baby.

Friday

12 PM: Margarita Lunch with Indie Rock Boy, et al. Consumed 2.5 strawberry margaritas.

3 PM: Champagne going away party. Consumed 2 glasses champagne.

5 PM: Ditch office with Indie Rock Boy, Totally Hot Gay Boy, Cute Married Lady and Loud Boy for downtown swanky bar. Consumed 3 glasses white wine.

8 PM: Ditch downtown swank bar for downtown restaurant, as natives were getting hungry and restless. Consumed half v. tasty pizza and 2 more glasses white wine. Photos are taken. Oh dear God.

No-Idea-What-Time: Hit lounge for bit of dancing and… one more glass white wine. End up leaving with Indie Rock Boy for pre-arranged location to meet v. young friend of IRB.

12:45 AM: Consume two Sex on Beach mixed drinks, dance v. naughtily and make out with Cute Argentinian Stranger.

2:00 AM: Ditch Cute Argentinian Stranger, seek out dancing IRB who finds yours truly’s coat, gives v. sweet hug and kiss goodnight and escorts v. drunk fish out to a cab.

Saturday:

Did not leave bed except to toss cookies (such a nicer way of saying vomit-my-brains-out) and search out extra-strength pain reliever. In long, long hours of sleeping had strang array of dreams. Best one involved making out with Indie Rock Boy on swingset, like high school hoodlums. Yum.

As recovery is long process, am v. glad for three-day weekend. Though can’t wait to get back to monkey job and share stories of pitiful hangovers with drinking partners. Am hoping was not the only poor fool not to remember an entire day.

H: I’m an aspiring potato.
IRB: It’s okay. I’m Irish; I like potatoes. I think you’re more of a yam, though.
H: Yam, huh? Does that mean I’m a sweet potato?
IRB: Ah yes – there’s that dual natured cleverness again.
H: Double entendres. We have the French to thank those. Oh, and Dijon mustard.
IRB: Free for lunch? Wanna get something?

Bingo!

Being silly as can be, have bet with officemate concerning Indie Rock Boy. Was told that if no date offer is made within 30 days, yours truly owes her lunch. While am determined not to have to pay for lunch, have made no efforts toward the goal, other than flaunting natural charms. Have not even employed plunging necklines. Have even stopped wearing make-up. (Mascara and lip balm do not count) If am going to attract new bike, am going to do so without any pretense.

What you see is what you get… and damn it, you’d better like it.

Pink flip flops
Blue skies
Green tea facials
White wine
Purple People Eaters

Oh wait, nix the last one.

Had v. nice weekend spent with out of town gal pals and other assorted party guests. Was v. tame party and v. well catered. RK made a brief appearance, but mostly remained quite… reluctant.

Spent Sunday tidying up and eventually fell into full-blown spring-cleaning. Washed and ironed all apartment curtains, had Dust-Bunny Round-Up II, and even tackled the front entryway to apartment building. Hiii-yah!

Lazied about this morning until was hit with frantic realization that had early meeting and had exactly 7 minutes to be on work-bound bus. Somebody must make yours truly a super hero cape, because did just that. Will not mention that left sneakers at home and thus cannot go to the gym. But, there’s always yoga. No sneakers needed.