I am stubborn. Sometimes, this is the very best thing about me. People make it sound like a futile act, butting your head up against the wall. But you’d be surprised how many walls tumble, if you only butt hard enough and long enough. Sometimes, it is not a good thing at all. Especially when it intersects with friends, family and love. I will bark up the wrong tree forever – or at any rate, much longer than is sane or healthy – because I cannot stand the idea that I’ve chosen unwisely. I lead myself on wild goose chases because I like the idea of relentless pursuit. Even though I love the idea of stillness more.
I am susceptible. To criticism, praise, chemistry, and odd changes in weather and clouds that make my chest feel heavy with something like sadness. To touch and kindness. To anger. In the last few years, I’ve lost any ability to disguise this, and if you upset me, you will be immediately clued in. By the hives that start in the soft hollow at the base of my neck and rush like furious chicken pox down my chest and up to my ears. To babies, men in crisp, white button down shirts, and food-borne bacteria. To small things you will never remember having said.
I am silly. Lightness, frivolity, slapstick. Ba-dump-bump ching! I know it has its place, but for some reason, I want there always to be something to laugh about. I have a hard time when that “something” is me, but I’m working on that. I tease to forge a connection. It should tell you that I care; I’ve been paying attention. How else would I know which buttons to push? Perhaps more than anything, I want your reaction. For you to tease me back. How else will I know that you’ve been paying attention?
Ooooh, thank you for putting it so beautifully. I “tease to forge a connection” too and when there’s no reaction, I deflate. And then feel stupid. But that thrill when he does react? That little moment of heart elevation is worth it all.
“When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple…”
I am so excited to be old
I second that part about teasing. Couldn’t have said it better myself. “How will I know if you’re paying attention?” Cool!!
Wow! I think I could be your twin sister or other brain or…
What I’m trying to say is that was beautiful and eloquent!
Is your Birthday in May?
amazing. perfect. you in all your glory. I am sarcastic and poke fun because it is the easiest way for me to show my love.
Now I know I am not the only one waiting for a reaction. Thanks Fish.
I feel the same way most times.
Beautiful, as usual. You must intimidate men with your beauty and intelligence. Hold out for the one who makes your head spin and knees week- and who will bring you water without you asking. You deserve no less. =)
I loved reading this.
And see, you CAN blog without being too specific or too vague… and let us know just exactly what you’re feeling.
really nice, heather. thanks.
Would you stop writing about me already?
Oh, wait, that was you? Whoops.
wow.
most people don’t have nearly as clear a sense of self. and to write it so well..beautiful
That was beautiful. I’m in awe a little bit.
Dude! You rock. Would you please just write a book already?!
You are wonderful. A complex and lovely woman with quirks that only render you more lovable and human. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you a bit here.
I am madly in lust with you.
I so agree with you. I am the same way
Beautiful. and doesn’t getting hives suck? My skins reacts strongly to emotions as well.
“For you to tease me back. How else will I know you’ve been paying attention?” I love that! I do that exact same thing as well and never really put it into words before.
” I am stubborn-I will bark up the wrong tree forever-or much longer than is sane or healthy, because i cannot stand the idea that i chose unwisely” WOW, i couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you for your honesty, and your heart. Beautiful, just beautiful.
Dude, I’ve got the same hives thing going and it’s a real problem sometimes.
Long time reader unlurking because I think you just described me perfectly.
Im origionally from Orange County, CA and lived in McKinney/Plano for 7 months last year. Its too bad I didnt read you then, becuase I would have done just about anything to have a friend while I was there.
I get a tremendous rash across my chest whenever I experience heightened emotions. I had a guy point and scream at me to let me know that I had poison ivy one time. Ya, thanks dude.
I always get it at the doctor’s office too, why is that?
ok – longtime reader, first time commenter. (or however you spell it). It’s funny how you feel a connection with someone by reading their words (you and dooce are amazing). But to read this…. it’s amazing how perfect it is for me. I wish I could copy this and send it to every person I know. Maybe they would possibly understand me a little better.
“It should tell you that I care; I’ve been paying attention. How else would I know which buttons to push? Perhaps more than anything, I want your reaction. For you to tease me back. How else will I know that you’ve been paying attention?”
So absolutely true!!!
I get the same rash on my chest. I can it my internal thermometer. You can see it start at my chest and work it’s way to my face.
Wow. It looks like a disproportionate number of Ashleys all do the exact same thing.
That’s me too.
Beautiful…this is perfect, “To small things you will never remember having said.”
Are you a Taurus??
Cancer…
Beautiful Heather. I now have a girl crush on you.
Oh my, this is beautifully written. 3 wonderful words, 3 amazing paragraphs.
I too, am a teaser. I am apparently, also quite hungry, as I initally read the second-to-last sentence in the first paragraph to be “I lead myself on wild goose cheeses…” and thought, “Yeah, I could go for some of that. Where are the crackers?”
I think I need a hash-brown.
AH I FEEL LIKE I WROTE THIS. lol. Very well written.
wow. take out the hives and yeah… sounds like there’s a lot of people who are so fundamentally the same and i bet we all thought we were the only ones… lol…
I’ve said before and I’ll say it again. You and Commenter Mike are meant to be. I don’t care if he’s married. We can take care of that.
On the teasing thing… I’m not a teaster myself, but many close friends are. I can tell some people (flirtatious guys included) feel deflated when I don’t tease back, but here’s the thing: some of us are incredibly, incredibly shy. So teasers, don’t take it too personally… just give us shy people time.
Stubbornly paying attention to somewhat selectively tease for reactions. Which however never come like you expected them. That’s life, isn’t it?
I know a boy who is always trying to push my buttons and I always end up being so frustrated by it, because I’m not really a button-pusher. But I’ve never thought about it before in the way you so eloquently put it. Because you’re right- if he wasn’t paying attention, how would he know what buttons to push?
I’ll keep that in mind next time. Thanks!
And as usual, this was a beautiful post. I hope you realize how inspirational you are!