If we work together, stop reading right now. Or, more importantly, if under any circumstances we have seen each other naked (or, you know, might in the future), stop reading right now. I beg you. But for you non-coworker/non-nookie folks, I present the following, because I love you.
As originally told to Sarah Brown, who has kindly agreed to still be friends with me:
An afterthought to my outfit this morning, I put on a pair of Spanx. See, I was already fully dressed, but I figured a little extra nip in the waist would do my little black dress up in the manner it deserved. So, I grabbed a pair, wiggled into them (these babies go from mid-thigh to underboob and getting into them is really a workout), and headed to the office. Then, just a few minutes ago, nature called. On autopilot, I went to the ladies’ room, sat down on the toilet, and did my thing.
Now, for those of you who aren’t aware, Spanx are gusseted. As in, they come with built-in split-crotch panties. Only, you know, in a black spandex girdle form, so as to undoany sexiness associated with a split crotch. Going commando (hot) in a girdle (not hot). You see what I mean – it’s barely breaking even.
Anyway, so there I was, doing my thing… only, itsounded wrong. Muffled. It took me a moment to realize this was BECAUSE I WAS WEARING UNDERWEAR – a detail I had completely overlooked. In a whirlwind of adrenaline and mortification, I stripped in the bathroom stall, took off the soaked undies(god, I wanted death), wiggled back into the Spanx (an awkward, unsightly dance not unlike mating rituals I’ve seen on the Discovery Channel), rinsed and wrapped said undies in paper towels, washed my hands six times, and skedaddled out of thereas fast as I could.
Then I immediately emailed Sarah and Ari, who graciously put the whole thing into perspective.
“If you were in kindergarten, you’d have a cubby with an extra pair. I think adults underestimate the clean panty need.”
Let’s just say, lesson learned. The hard way.
OMG!!! Best. Story. Ever. Thanks for sharing Fish! I was worried with last week’s editing of yourself that we’d miss out on these stories.
Awesome! this is kinda like when Charlotte told Carrie she was afraid something bad was going to happen to her because her life was so perfect.
And Carrie said “Sweetie-you **** your pants this year. I think you’re done.” or something to that effect.
SO this is me telling you “Sweetie – you accidentally peed your panties at work. I think you’ve had your fill of bad things this year”
Thanks for the story. It was delightful!
OMG…disclaimer, DO NOT READ WHILE DRINKING….
Funny… thanks for brightening up my day
that is priceless.
WHY did you keep the panties?!?! It’s embarrassing enough to have done the deed, but to keep the pee-soaked ‘trophy’ to take home with you… Oh my. Hilarious.
Because I wear nice panties, that’s why! I don’t throw out $30 underthings just because of one moment of incontinence. Besides, the *ahem* trophy, as you call it, was no longer pee-soaked – I rinsed them out.
I also thought of the “Sex in the City” movie when Carrie wonders if she’ll ever laugh again (which is exactly how I’ve been feeling since a heartbreaking recent break-up) and Miranda says, “You will… when something is REALLY funny.” Well, Fish, today you were my first really funny in over a week. Thank you.
OMG!!!
I had the same incident happen to me while wearing spanx!!!
I had to pee soo bad, and the line took forever by the time i got in the stall i just sat down and went. It wasn’t until midflow I remembered the panties I was wearing!!!!
I couldn’t save the panties even if I wanted to. I was not about to step out of the stall and rinse them out in front of the other 10 girls waiting for a stall. So I had to ditch them!! I felt like I was in kindergarden, because I had to call my roommate to bring me another pair. I was on a date and didnt want him to think I went comando for a certain reason if things were to happen that night.
I feel you girl!
I LOVE that you had the moxie to post this. Though I loved you before and will love you long after – when us peeing in our panties is far less of a choice and way more of a Tuesday.
You made me laugh out loud in my cube. i had a similar embarrassing moment in the bathroom this weekend. one of those times when you think- PLEASE don’t let the others come out of thier stalls while i’m standing here…”. Hilarious. thank you!
I cannot tell you how very much this sounds like something I would do.
Thanks for sharing–quite hilarious.
too funny
Yet another reason to be grateful for the practically private never used restroom near my office in the freight elevator lobby. Because this would totally happen to me. And on a Monday too.
You are a brave woman to tell a story like this on the Internet and I salute you. I never leaves the house now without a pair of Spanx. They make any dress or skirt look better, and that’s enough to make me feel sexy. And it’s not as if they’re totally not sexy. My boyfriend admires what they do to my butt and he is very favorably impressed with the effect they’ve have on my wardrobe (I wear much nicer clothes now that I’ve discovered Spanx). So don’t worry about the sexiness factor. Just remember what you have on under them.
OMG, I did this same thing less than a month ago. I was at a trendy restaurant in NYC. And the bathroom was unisex. I would’ve just toss the undies but they were La Perla and they matched my favorite bra So I tried to discretely wash my pissy panties and put them in my clutch as boys were walking in and out to wash their hands!
OMG, the EXACT (spanx, underwear, everything) same thing happened to me last week. I thought I was the only one this had ever happened to and I’m relieved to know it happens to other people. The only person I told this to until now was my mother, who laughed so hard I made her swear she wouldn’t repeat it to anyone and that we should never talk about it. She brings it up every day now.
anyway, you’re not alone!
Hilarious! I think I may run to Victoria’s Secret right now for their semi-annual sale and save a few extra pairs in my office in case there’s ever an accident like this!
I read your blog all the time, and throughly enjoy it. I felt this post needed a comment, this was one of the funniest things I have ever read. Thank you!
Wow, I would never have guessed this was such an epidemic!
i did that on a plastic toilet seat cover thing once and was like “oh pee!” – totally relate and agree about the extra panties. undies. whatever.
was laughing so hard about this one. especially since it happened because of a) your extra precaution to keep the girdle as cool as possible, and b) because the feeling of warm pee is sooooo pre-school and humiliating.
yet hilarious.
thanks for sharing.
@ Ari: “less of a choice and way more of a Tuesday.” I screamed a laugh when I read that. Thankfully only the dog was here to hear it. She lifted her head and cocked her ears and put her head back down as if to say “Oh, you’re just reading Fish again.”
So instead of “Pokipsy’ing” in your pants you “Peeekipsy’ed” instead?
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!
Nice one
I love this story. I love it almost as much as when my friend from college accidentally forgot to properly hike up her gown in the bathroom before graduation and peed all over it.
I hope that puts things into perspective.
You made a post out of peeing in your panties! As a long time reader and a not so frequent commenter, can I ask why? You are such a good writer what happened to you?
HIGH-LARIOUS,
You cracked me up today fish!
Oh my.
That’s ok, I straight up peed myself last year at a comedy club. There was really no hiding it.
I don’t believe floridagal is a long time reader. Else she wouldn’t be asking such questions.
That was very, very brave! And for someone that does embarrassing things all the time, that was of great comfort! Luckily, most of my moments are milder in the follow up tasks required – mostly just need time to dull the memories!
This sounds exactly like something I would do. High five!
Just goes to show: at some point, it happens to everyone!
Glad you found a way to salvage the panties, though. Good undies are worth the extra effort it takes to keep them. Happy Tuesday, Fish!!
I could so see where that was going
Loved it!
floridagal, get over yourself and go read something else.
Thanks for the laugh!
You just gave me a flashback to November, when I was chilling out in my hospital room waiting for “labor” to become LABOR and produce a daughter. I hopped out of the bed and then froze, which caused my mom, dad, and husband to chorus, “What’s wrong?”
Of course, nothing was, except that I lost all bladder control at that moment and could only observe the warm wetness filling my coziest socks and most comfortable slippers. “I’m just peeing in my socks!”
Actually, I’m surprised they haven’t quoted me since. (It certainly wasn’t the last time “baby” and “peeing myself” went together!)
I resemble that odd mating ritual dance from the Discovery Chanel every time I put my Spanx on
I will now add convulsive laughter to the mix as that is just too fummy!
It’s brilliant, and I love it. Also, I discovered this week at my parent’s house that the magazine Cowboy & Indian (apparently yes, there is a magazine by that name) has an interview with Magnum P.I, and I thought of you.
I saw that! It was in one of the bathrooms in the ranch guesthouse and I wanted to steal it SO BAD. But I didn’t. Because I wanted to be invited back.
Okay so last night I dreamed i went to the toilet and shat all over my skirt…at a work conference. Note I went to bed maybe an hour after reading this post…thanks a lot ;P
Heather – this unholistic display and odd behavior aftermath must be from some bizarro cubicle alternative universe I have yet to explore. Like the planet where the toe nails are done to perfection and the girlfriend won’t let the boyfriend in to the nail salon for fear of seeing the bride before the marriage (even though the relationship is just ‘friend’). Is this the kind of anxiety my daughters should have to look forward to? I’m glad I heard it hear first.
I laughed so hard I nearly peed my panties. I can’t believe you didn’t throw those panties in the trash.
I had the day from hell at work, but this just saved it from being a total waste. Thanks!
So I suppose now we can never see each other naked, but for that story I think it may have been worth it. Absolutely priceless.
THIS is why I love you. And Ari’s comment? Well, that’s why I love her. (That and because she’s so fiercely protective of her friends.)
I’m going to have to get up now and go open my new Spanx. Because I wasn’t aware of the split crotch thing until this second.
Thanks for the late-night/early-morning laugh! (And thanks to the rest of your readers for making it seem downright common!)
THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!! I so needed that laugh today!
If it makes you feel any better, I once **** my pants. Yes, like Charlotte in Sex and the City. But for real.
As they say, **** happens.
Followed by complete and utter mortification and embarrassment.
If it makes you feel any better, I once **** my pants. Yes, like Charlotte in Sex and the City. But for real.
As they say, **** happens.
Followed by complete and utter mortification and embarrassment.
i love ur blog, but i had to comment on this, soooo funny.
i can relate, only it happened to me when i dreamt i was in a toilet doing my thing, and voila! woke up with a big, fat mess.
thanks for sharing,even across continents.Nigeria.
Wow, before reading this I would have thought something like this could only happen to me. I love your blog and this is my first time commenting. This definitely made me laugh out loud at work today! lol