Over the last few weeks, there’s been some hullabaloo in our family over characteristic yet, somehow still surprising behavior that’s sent the collective stress level of the Hunter Clan skyrocketing. You know how it is. Family drama is penultimate (second only to person-you’re-sleeping-with drama) and I’m starting to get a new, permanent wrinkle right between my eyes. So, to save any further… excitement in the future, I figured I’d go ahead and get this out of the way right now.
Unless the (hypothetical) prospective groom has some really, really strong opinions to the opposite, I am not having a wedding.
There will be no announcements or invitations or seating charts or menus. No five thousand dollar dress or crazy exchanges between divorced parents. There will be me – barefoot in a sun dress on a beach – with my fella, a minister, and a legally required witness, all happy in the knowledge that no relationships were harmed during the making of this union. And I probably won’t even tell you until the day of. Because I don’t want the hassle. Or the attention. Or even the presents.
<Begin Rant>
Have I ever mentioned how fiercely opposed I am to bridal registries? I mean, not across the board, because I think if you’re young and just getting started in life, you need some help setting up house. But if the bride and groom are well into adulthood, have a fully functioning household and two incomes, I think it’s… well, repugnantly greedy to ask other folks for crap like Pyrex, Kitchen Aid mixers and – sweet baby jesus – bread makers.
Come on, ladies. You are not going to make bread. Not more than once, anyway. You think you will because you imagine getting married will morph you into someone more domestic cyclone who has time and energy and the desire to make yeasty concoctions. But in reality, you’re going to grab the same damn loaf of Mrs. Baird’s Calorie Light Honey Wheat from the grocery store the minute you’re back from the honeymoon. If you wanted a bread maker, you’d already have one. Because you are a grown-up with spending power.
<End Rant>
I didn’t really grow up with notions of a big, fancy Cinderella wedding because I was raised Mormon. And Mormon weddings are, for the most part, very modest (read: unglamorous). There’s no walking anybody down the aisle or even ceremonies that everyone can attend. Thus I’m not all that emotionally attached to the idea of getting hitched in front of a big group of people. But what I am emotionally attached to is not. having. stress. I love not having stress! I want to hold it down and give it giant purple hickeys – that’s how attracted I am to not having stress. So unless the wedding is going to be magically thrown together by a bunch of talking birds and mice with very nimble fingers and excellent sewing skills, it’s just not going to happen.
Elopement. It’s such a happy word.
(P.S. No! I am not close to getting married. I’m not even close to gettin’ tail on a regular basis, for pete’s sake.)
Fish, you’re teasing us! Are you close to getting married that you’re considering an elopement yourself? Or are you just dangling this hypothetical elopement in front of us to make us wonder whether you found a worthy bicycle and yearn for more details? Well, the yearning is working missy! I demand instant clarification. Who is the prospective groom and where did he come from and how does he feel about weddings and registries and hand-made invitations and $5000 bustles?
And, for the record, I’m considering a trip to city hall with my hypothetical bicycle. I’m willing to spend money on flowers and photos and food but not on dresses and bonbonnieres and open bar.
Ahhhh, you took the words right out of my mouth. Luckily, I’m about the marry a man with no objections and we’re actually having great fun planning our elopement(!) or weddingmoon. I can’t imagine it would be anything as exciting if we were planning tablesettings and napkinrings rather than scouting for a fab hotel and a lovely restaurant to have our first meal as Mr and Mrs. Strangely, although the idea of a wedding fills me with dread, the thought of being a Mrs is quite appealing. I was sure I was missing some sort of girly gene until I read your post!
Right on, girl. I’m with you all the way. I am in 3 weddings this year and attending 7. After seeing up close all the stress (basically every other month), I have zero interest. I’m all about eloping or destination with an uber-small number of guests. And let me tell you, 7 weddings (all folks in their early- to mid-30s) is aggregiously expensive. I love my friends, but seriously? I’ve started buying/making things that have personal meaning instead of household stuff. Was just commenting on this wedding registry thing on “Greek’s” blog yesterday:
“I agree with Sandi on the registering over 30 bit. I’d broaden that to anyone who’s financially set. It irks me that couples who are already independent and doing OK expect their guests to finance their new kitchen/bathroom/backyard BBQ. Weddings have gotten to be a financial exhcange. We invite you and pay for your dinner, you buy us stuff. Although I’d love to see you get married and be there to show my support, I’d rather skip the “party” if that’s the deal.”
Sia, “weddingmoon”! Love it!
Did it just like that, except took about 25 pp w/ us. Would never have done it any different. Loved the beach then, still love it today and (surprisingly) still love the guy who was standing on it w/ me!
That’s the closest you’re ever going to get to having the little birds plan and execute the wedding. I had one meeting when we arrived at the resort…showed up, got married then went straight back to the beach w/ my bottle of “Happy Wedding!” champagne. Bliss.
Yes, please. I’m getting married in October and even though we’re keeping it tiny and having it at our favorite coffehouse and it’s costing less than $5k, it’s killing me. I need a break and a weddingmoon sounds in order. I’m pretty sure no one has bought the plane tickets yet… hmmm.
I said the same thing about eloping, but I succombed to family pressure to have a wedding. The wedding itself was so much fun, but the planning process brought out the best and the worst in people–emphasis on the worst–and I really wish I’d stuck to my guns. So, to sum up, GOOD FOR YOU. As for registries, I’ve learned that they’re (believe it or not) almost as much for the guests as they are for the bride and groom. I went for a while without registering only to be harassed by family and friends: “What do you need? What should we get you? We don’t know what to get you! WHY HAVEN’T YOU REGISTERED?!” And here’s what I wrote about the process when I was the bride: http://sexonmydesk.ivillage.com/love/2006/07/just-call-me-gifted.html
Fish–you echo my feelings exactly. I wrote on my blog that “the amount of money spent on wedding is inversely proportional to the length of the marriage”. Boy, did I get some slack. When I got married, it was just immediate family and a minister in my husband’s home and there was no registry.
Yes, weddingmoon, that’s perfect! I’m so about the weddingmoon. I think the only time I ever thought about my own wedding was in six grade, playing that damn MASH game. You had to think about it then. But I haven’t thought of it since, except to say I’m totally doing the weddingmoon.
As for wedding registries? The way I see it, makes it easier for those gift-picking-challenged like myself to know what to buy. China, no. Pancake griddle, sure thing!
I agree that once you’re settled, it’s a bit silly to have a registry, but I should preface that by saying that for NY italians (which I am) the registry is purely for the bridal shower and the wedding is for tiny envelopes of cash stuffed into a silk drawstring purse. Bridal showers are ridiculous in any case (ugh, the stupid games, the ridiculous wearing of giftwrap), but once you’re officially a “settled” adult, they’re just out of the question.
That being said, registries do make everybody’s life easier. I just had to pick out presents for my niece’s and nephew’s birthdays, and was having a stress fit roaming the toys r’ us in times square trying pick out something they would like, that wouldn’t endanger their little lives, that their mom wouldn’t have to assemble from many tiny parts or exert too much energy cleaning up (i.e. no legos, no play-dough, no easybake ovens), or return because they already have one. I found myself completely lost with out a neatly printed checklist.
We ended up registering for the same reason as Josey. It actually makes it easier on you because then people quit harassing you about what to get and where you’re registered. Further, wedding or not (and, for the record, we had a “not” wedding at city hall with a very nice mayor who even took the pic of the two of us) people buy you stuff because it is what is expected. You will get stuff I guarantee it. It is far better to direct what that stuff is going to be then deal with the “surprises” -trust me on this one I’m still unloading some of mine. If you have lots of stuff already (and we did) I recommend asking for restaurant gift certificates. We said something like “Please get us a gift card to your favorite restaurant in the amount of your choice. We love trying new places” Then you get something new and they get something easy to do. It helps if most of your people are local though.
“not even close to getting married” but but I thought … oh, wait! Those were just my fantasies of you running off with me. never mind.
Completely agree with the wedding stuff.
Miss Manners always poo-poos giving Cash for wedding gifts. But around here it’s accepted. It cuts down on duplicate towels, or getting 14 silver butter dishes.
I was actually looking at the Sears flyer from the newspaper the other day, & wondering if dudes can register there. The garage needs some shelves.
Anyway, I agree on the registering too, though. After a certain age, you’ve already bought everything you “need.”
I love this blog.
I know how it feels. I said if i get married it will be me him, preacher and friend. It’s cost efficient. And save a lot of a headache.
Pretty much I do make bread all the time so I wouldn’t need a new breadmaker not until the day my breadmaker say it quit and it doesn’t seem to be happening anytime soon.
Still waiting on getting a really good kitchenaid. You knwo the one that will put the ingredients in the bowl, mix it and pour by itself in the pans and bake. Still in wishful thinking mode for that one.
amen.
As someone that is (less than) 3 weeks away from a big ol’ wedding to-do, I definitely agree with you! My “dream” wedding was to run away to somewhere warm, with just a minimum of people and planning. Unfortunately, the kicker about weddings is that they’re not about you. They’re about the family. And the mother that’s always wanted to see you in a big dress, and the mother in law that wanted the cake, etc. etc. So while I’m sure our wedding will be a helluva party and a ton of fun, I still wish we were just married already and were spending our evenings having ‘fun’ rather than folding programs.
(Although we did get our marriage license last night and well, that got me excited
Did you happen to catch up on WE’s Bridezillas?! Because after seeing that insanity I have come to the exact same conclusion. There’s no sense in starting out your new, married life by totally ruining all of the relationships you have!
Any thoughts on a very low key reception? I suppose it wouldn’t be a reception by definition, but a nice bar with a few appetizers where your (local) friends can get trashed in your honor..
Some friends of mine almost did what you desire. they went somewhere in Mexico. Gave the relevant friends/family 6 weeks notice. No plus or minus feelings based on attendance. No presents! Simple ceremony completely setup by the hotel/resort (cost ~2500 for organizing, photos, flowers, …) Friends/family could stay up to a week (wedding was day 2). Couple stayed 2 weeks. built in honeymoon. worked out great, and they got a completely different mix of attendees than they would have expected at a traditional wedding.
and sorry I can’t help with your tail situation, but you’re not in nyc anymore..
-Pete
Amen, sister! I’m totally with you on the whole teeny wedding thing. Although, I sort of think mine will be slightly less teeny, with 40 people or so, and at a winery. (I’m over in CA.) Not that my boyfriend and I are there yet. But my family is in the midst of planning my younger sister’s 250-person wedding. Each time she mentions how much something costs, my brain immediately calculates where that money could take me if it were to buy a plane ticket. (Greece? Paris? Japan?–That reminds me… when will you be “On the Road” again??) But it falls on deaf ears when I say to her, “You know, for the price of those save-the-date cards, you could go to Costa Rica!” Ha! Thanks to you (and your commenters!) for making me feel like I’m not the only girl who doesn’t want a big, stressful, planning-intensive wedding!
Having had a wedding, albeit a small, low-stress one, I think you’ve got the absolute right idea. A wedding should be about the committment of two people, not about stressing so much that you need to be committed. The marriage is the thing, not the wedding. I have never understood what all the fuss is about. Although some of the dresses are pretty. But other than that…
My husband and I eloped last year, and I think it was the best decision we ever made. We told our parents to expect and announcement at some point (they were thrilled!), but didn’t fill anyone else in on the details to avoid all of the opinions and drama that it would invite.
The day was fun, stress-free, and just about the two of us and what we wanted.
I highly recommend it.
hallelujah sister! For a minute there I thought I was reading an email I sent someoe eabout 2 years ago regarding my friend who was getting married. I was in the wedding. Her and her fiance’ both in their 30′s had been together 8 years, they lived together in a 500k home that looked like the pottery barn showroom, she drove a brand new porche and he a big ass Danali and they had a registry. I was beside myself.
Then to top it all off she wanted a bachelorette party in NYC & we lived in Florida.
I was in the wedding, and I didn’t get her her Kate Spade china that was on the list, infact I didn’t get them anything but a card because I had to fork out over $200 for her bridal shower that she hinted she wanted at a wine bar which we had to rent out for the evening, the gift for that and the expensive dress I had to buy.
I was friends with her for 13 years at the time and after that I never looked at her the same. The whole ordeal turned my stomach.
We use our breadmaker almost every week. The trick is to leave it out and name it, like a pet. And to enjoy eating bread.
I got married last November and relatives started clamoring for the registry early on. Ask my Aunties not to give us presents because we don’t need anything? How could I hurt them like that?
Besides, quite a bit of what we had was chipped and needed replacing anyway. Live on your own for 10 years before getting hitched and that happens.
I totally understand the sentiments, but I don’t fully agree. That is because I tried to have a very small wedding two years ago (me, him, minister, witness) but once my children got wind of it (because I told them) they all wanted to come, all wanted matching dresses, etc. And since some couldn’t afford airfare, that fell on me, too. It was still a small wedding, but cost 3 times as much as I had anticipated. BUT we really had a good time, and I would have been sorry if the kids had not been there. Weddings are about announcing to your society that you are an official, legal couple; there would be no point to them outside of a society. To believe that a wedding is only about the couple is short sighted, especially if it would create any hurt that would be hard to heal. You don’t get married in a vacuum. If at that important time you cannot be prevailed upon to consider the feelings of family members, I worry about the long term prospects of your marriage, as well. That said, however, as Fish’s Mom,
if she wants to run off and get married, I would be fine with that, as long as she told me about it. But I was glad she came to mine.
Oh, and we didn’t actually expect anyone to buy us the bread maker or other big ticket items. We figured we’d pick them up at a discount later on when we closed out the registry.
And as guests, if you don’t like spending a fortune on the registry, then make a gift, or treat them to dinner when they get back from the honeymoon. If you have to travel to the wedding, you’re not actually expected to give a gift anyway.
Amen!
After witnessing (and being part of) many family members’ and friends’ weddings, and the accompanying stress that went along with them, my husband and I got married in his parents’ living room by a JP, with family and close friends in attendance, the dogs right outside, and followed by dinner at a nearby restaurant. Then we all came home and played “House of the Dead” on Playstation. ‘Cause nothing says “I love you” like shooting a bunch of flesh-eating zombies together.
You were, if you remember, getting married to a man I had never met. That was my reason for wanting to be there. I’m not gonna run off and marry some dude you’ve never met.
And as for matching dresses request, that was a joke and you know it! We brought our own matching (ie black) dresses.
Alyssa – I LOVE IT!! Especially the part about flesh-eating zombies.
Fish’s Mom, well said. I was married in September of last year, and the only reason we did not elope was because my family couldn’t imagine not being there to see me take such an important step in my life. If it had been up to my husband and I, we would’ve been married in a quiet setting with a minister; and looking back, I would’ve regretted that choice every day. Besides, it really is only as stressful as you make it. Weddings can be a nice gathering of loved ones, simple, elegant, and fun. I had a great time planning mine, and am so glad that my parents were there to see it.
You’ve probably already had about ten people say this (I’m too lazy to read all the comments ahead of me right this moment), but I did almost exactly what you are suggesting and while you can’t get away from the stress entirely, getting married that way is as close as it gets.
Not telling anyone until day of (or even day after) is going to save A LOT of stress and headache because everyone assumes that everyone does (and should) want the huge, expensive, hassle filled wedding. There were 8 people at my wedding, and quite frankly that was 5 too many (witnesses are not required in MA anymore). So I say, rock ON with your non-wedding-wanting self. Seriously.
I agree with the low key approach. It’s nice to have a small ceremony for your parents to attend and maybe immediate family. I know you have several sisters, so that would be a small crowd especially if they are married and have children. I got married at my minister’s house on his deck with my step-children and sister and best friend in attendance. The two step-daughters and daughter-in-law got a kick out of finding some lower priced formals and dressing alike. I had a nice dress that didn’t cost alot. He wore a suit.
For our “reception” we scheduled a big party one month later after we got back from our Hawaiian honeymoon. That was stressful, but also fun for our family and friends. Had our favorite Irish band play and had an open bar with beer, wine and frozen margaritas. Food was just appetizers and a wedding cake.
I’ve always wanted a very simple ceremony, with just my best friends and immediate family. But my fiance wants the big wedding with everyone present. It kills me at how expensive everything is, and living in the middle of the desert with a father who will not travel…makes it difficult. Still navigating my way thru.
I love when someone has a registry. I want to be able to get the bride and groom something they will want and use…and without a registry that makes it a bit more difficult. Just because there is a registry, doesn’t mean you have to buy them a gift. But for those who want to, it makes it nice. You don’t have to worry about sending something that won’t go in their house.
Jennu – So in the 10 years y’all have been living on your own, you haven’t saved for some new plates? I guess where I get stuck on this is that it’s the couple’s choice to throw a big and/or expensive wedding. If they can’t afford it (so much so that they need their guests to finance the wedding in a backhanded/bartering way), maybe they should have a different kind of wedding. Now, if you’re young and just starting out, that changes things.
I’m single and have been living on my own for 10 years. If I tried to throw myself an expensive party in which I registered for new plates and lamps and towels, people would think I was crazy. Why does getting married make it ‘normal’? I think the tradition started to help young couples start their life together. Now that many are getting married later in life, or for the second or third time, the tradition loses it’s logic.
Sing it, sister! The worst are the weddings that are clearly for the parents, not the bride and groom. UGH.
I had 2 friends do that. One eloped and videotaped it so the families could watch later. Another friend went to Hawaii and took just her parents cause his parents were deceased. They all loved it. And after awhile all the family capitulated, but both couples did get some grief, either before (for the HI couple) or after (couple that eloped).
I grew up Mormon too (in CA) and share some of your thoughts. Although I may never get married, or never marry a Mormon, If I am lucky enought to get married I hope it will be low key. All this money spent on weddings, showers, bachelorette parties etc. frankly scares me. I think at some point all of us are responsible for our conspicuous consumerism when everyone else in the world has very little. Don’t get me wrong, I think we can indulge in some of our favorite things, but in some arena’s we are as a society going very overboard – as evidenced by My Super Sweet 16.
Ok – way too much ranting. Just gotta say – I LOVE YOUR WRITING FISH!
Yay for elopement!! I’ve been telling my people for years that’s what I’m going to do. My mom calls me often to ask if I’m getting married tomorrow (despite the fact I have no boyfriend), just to be sure.
Gosh girl, I had no idea you were raised mormon. Props to you for being so gosh darn cool.
Awesome post!
My parents story: married after 6 weeks at city hall. No Cinderella wedding there, but they’re still married after 39 years. Always grew up thinking city hall was perfectly fine.
Me: Cinderella wedding and 6 years later – divorce. Next time (fingers crossed) – barefoot, beach and sun.
My nemisis is not the breadmaker; it is the food processor. They never work as cool as they look on infomercials.
Fish I totally feel ya!
I just got to that age where all my friends are getting married, Its June and have already been to 3 weddings this year and I have 5 more invitations sitting on my desk for the rest of the year!!!
I am soo having a Weddingmoon (love that now), Just me and my guy and possibly a friend or 2 in some great place where instead of spending a few thousand on other people to have fun we will spend it on ourselves!!!!
But I might miss the presents
My husband and I were married in the courthouse in Seattle. We didn’t tell anyone because we didn’t want to deal with unsolicited advice, questions, etc. We invited our parents to “dinner”, and when they arrived to meet us for “dinner” we told them what we were up to so they could witness our marriage. It was perfect and I will never regret not having a big white wedding. Stress-free is the best!
I have been married for 18 years and we got married at a courthouse….a lot of my friends…big weddings, followed by big divorces!
I hear ya!
You know it, sista!
(Psst…Elliot Stabler needs to be bigger in your category cloud. Just sayin’!)
Hey, Tiffany – I did see We’s Bridezillas. I couldn’t believe that guy was going to marry that Iesha lady on the last episode. She was such a bitch and wouldn’t even let him hug/kiss/touch her. Amazing!
An extravagant affair was not for me, but neither was elopement. We had about 80 people (I have a huge family – we had literally about 7 or 8 non-family guests) meet us at Folly Beach where I said my vows in a dress I bought on eBay for $150. We had a simple traditional seafood boil called Beaufort stew and danced the night away. No ice sculptures. No hurt feelings.
Eloping makes infinitely more sense to me than a massive 300+ guest affair. But I will say having all the people I love together, at a party celebrating love, was the one of the best nights of my life. It’s not often in a person’s life that one can convince so many loved ones to be in the same place at the same time. People still tell me it was one of the greatest parties and a very special night they were delighted to share with us.
And I got my own breadmaker on Freecycle, thankyouverymuch. From a person who got it as a wedding present and never used it! Ha!
Fish – you echoed my sentiments exactly. After being MOH in my sister’s wedding and witnessing the gushing oppulence and greed, I am forever turned off to the idea of the whole she-bang – registeries included for the EXACT same reason you said. As people in our 30′s, we don’t NEED new dish towels, or cookware, or candle sticks – and hell if I have time to throw a formal dinner party on fine china. It’s Chinette in our apartment; take it or leave it (and don’t let the door hit you on the way out!)
But I am terrified – TERRIFIED – of having to face the wrath and judgement that is my mother and his family (whom I adore, but happen to be very traditional and live WAY outside their means) if we do not have a typical “wedding”. Mind you, neither his nor my family has any money to actually throw this lavish affair, but they expect us to entertain them with poofy dresses and color-coordinated chair sashes. Any advice on how to say “screw it” and send the wedding announcements when we get back from our honeymoon?
I totally agree!!! I always said that I wanted people to donate whatever they would’ve spent on gifts to charity. I don’t believe in big weddings or having to have a big wedding to prove how much I love someone. The entire idea of me deciding to settle down is a big enough event in itself… no overly beaded gown necessary.
Lucky for me, I have a mother who barely made it to my Bro’s wedding so she won’t be any trouble, more than broke relatives who will be relieved and a large backyard to decorate for all the folks that are coming to my party/reception/wedding!
I can think of better ways to spend my hard earned money! New car, trip around the world (with hubby of course) or maybe a maid for a year.
Amen, sista.
Okay, so I know I’ve already had my say, but I just feel the need to respond to the comment about “if you have to travel to the wedding you don’t have to give a gift” because I find it so utterly repulsive. Talk about weddings turning into financial transactions! It’s not about “I have a $xxx budget for your wedding and if I spend it on airfare and hotel you don’t get a gift”.
You’re supposed to give a gift (within your budget) just like you would give people birthday gifts; to celebrate a happy occasion and wish them well. If you can’t afford to travel to the wedding, that’s your own concern. You should ALWAYS give some kind of gift, even if it’s just a small one, even if you don’t attend the wedding. I’m on a tighter budget than most, but I honestly feel everyone can afford SOMETHING, if they were honest with themselves and less selfish. Most people could afford a decent wedding gift if they simply carried their lunch to work every week instead of ordering in, or laid off the $5 lattes for a month.
AMEN TO THAT girl! I’ve been through it once and never again, seriously. Especially with my parents (err, mother). The beach with sand in my toes on some island that serves its cocktails in coconuts with umbrellas… yeah that sounds perfect.
My niece is getting married in three weeks and I was aghast at her wedding gift registry. Every item was freakishly expensive and they registered at multiple stores with each registry being more and more ridiculous and outrageous. Since the young couple involved is newly out of college, I understand needing towels, pots and pans, etc. but requesting a $500 set of pots and pans seemed a bit much to me. I was shocked to see that each of the individual dishes she registered for cost more than an entire set of my dishes! I was looking for something in the $50 range and about all I could come up with was a spatula and one plate.
So, she’s getting cash.
Side note: I use my breadmaker, too. Love it although it does take up way too much room on the counter top. It was one of my favorite gifts. Not so favorite gifts were the silver plated carafe chillers and crystal decanters that were oh so popular back in the 80′s when i got married. Thank you “Dynasty” for those not-so-lovely gift ideas!
Thank you!
I just recently went to my college roommate’s bridal shower completely against my will because a) she’s been living with this guy for 6 years…they have everything already, which leads me to b) thier gift registry was 10..yes, 10 pages long and c) one of the those things was a Nintendo Wii…Seriously…
I’m TOTALLY okay with this! I had a small destination wedding and I wouldn’t do A THING over again…and I’m a professional wedding photographer!
One thing though: When the big day does come around, be sure to call me…because, really, when else will you ever look THAT HOT?!
I didn’t want the big wedding, so I instead planned a “destination” wedding for just “close” family and friends. I told my family where I planned on having it, that it was very small and casual. About 150 friends and family ended up “vacationing” to join us lol! Still, I didn’t stress about anything. I told family, “if you want to join us you need to find accomodations in advance”. They did and I didn’t do much. All I did was buy my dress and let someone else take care of the planning. That was fun! It was in fact my “weddingmoon”. It was so low key that it felt like a bunch of us had gone on vacation together.
Ok, so I tried to elope two and a half years ago when I got married to my wonderful husband. But both he and my mother said I’d regret it. Note: he’s Italian and she’s Greek. I was completely up against TWO stone walls. To this day, I would love to go back and elope. Forget the dress (that Mama picked out). Forget the family and friends (that I never even saw…I was getting cake all over my face and Greek dancing for the photographer and with all the cousins–you wouldn’t believe the cousins!). Forget all the amazing food that we had (we had a plate sent with us in the limo, but never even got to it, we were so tired!). Elope! When you find that amazing guy who will say his vows to you on a beach in Jamaica, girl, you’ve got it made.
I think the idea behind not registering is a noble one, I just don’t think it’s super practical unless you specifically tell people not to buy you something. Otherwise, all your family members will be bothering you left and right for what to get you. And, when you get the presents, it will be wasted money on their part because you won’t even like most of them.
My cousin had a message on his engagement party invitations that said “please bring fond memories in lieu of gifts.” I really liked the sentiment behind that. If you double up the non-registry with this announcement, I think it could work.
where are all the haters? i’m surprised there arent any! haha. i have to admit i’m super excited to plan my wedding one day. although i do think your idea is extremely romantic. i think its your wedding and you should do whatever you want!
When I was younger, I wanted to elope with my first love. Not at that moment but when we “grew up” That was ten years ago…I am still with him today, and now, at 25, we decided we want to throw one hell of a big bash for our wedding. HE is actually the one who changed my mind to wanting the huge stretch hummers, the fireworks displays, the big white tents, the great food, and with the size of our Italian families….wow, the guest list is out of control. But it is the day where we stand in front of all our family and friends, and I think that is awesome to do in front of everyone in your *circle*. Now, about registries….we came from very poor families, and right out of high school, we got to work on building our wealth. Now we have businesses that allow us to lead a really good lifestyle, and we absolutely WILL NOT be asking our family and friends to buy us *stuff*. Especially when we have all that, plus the extras that our parents cannot afford. All we want is for them to come and enjoy.
*One thing though, our families are both very religious, and without offending anyone, we are not at all. So when we told them it would not be in a church or with a minister, they all almost died. But so what…it’s our day.
I second that! And third and fourth!
I’m all about the flowy white dress on the beach with two other people!
Well said!
GOTTA say, that while I agree whole-heartedly with the logic, sentiment, etc., of this post, it would be one of the shortest marriages/lifetimes on record, as my mother would kill me for depriving her of the opportunity to plan a wedding. Even a small, family-members-only wedding. Since she knows that my sister will not let her plan anything – ever! – she has her hopes pinned on me. And, my sister and I both are in the same boat you are in, so it’s not like this is a pressing issue. (Oy!)
I hope when that tail comes along, that you do, in fact, smoke that ass!
That’s how I felt. I had a wedding but I planned it in six months stress free. I was more excited about the together forever part than the actual wedding ceremony. So while at a beautiful location under the stars everything was low key. I think the best idea we had was to have our pictures taken before the ceremony so the party started early and ended late. It was a fantastic night.
For the record, I make bread. Often. Then again, I didn’t morph into a domestic goddess because I got married, I started out as one to begin with.
I just got married a month ago. The very first engagement/wedding present we received was an ELECTRIC WOK. That settled the question of whether or not to register! Apparently, its true that if left to their own devices people REALLY do not know what to get you. And as noble as it may be to say “no gifts” or “please donate to charity” there are always going to be people who are not going to feel right unless they get you someTHING. And that THING will be an electric wok. (Seriously, who knew they made such a thing? And if they were going to go to all the trouble to make it, you’d think they’d include instructions about where you’re supposed to store such a humongous yet useless item.)
This is exactly what I was saying . . . up until I got engaged and roped into the big to-do, complete with full Mass. He’s got a huge family who have all gotten married in the same church – we’re talking multiple generations here – and feelings would be crushed if there was anything but a big old wedding in that same church. So I take what’s there and make it my own. Everyone can wear what they want. I’m doing everything myself (except the cake for reasons obvious to all who know me). Close friends are doing the entertaining, photography, etc. as a present. I did cave on the registry, but only when it was pointed out to me that otherwise people will still insist on bringing me gifts and I’d better d*mn well register if I didn’t want twenty gagillion mismatched pink flowered bath towels. But I still think I was right – elopement is the best if you can get away with it.
I got married in March (yay) and it was fun but the planning was not much fun! I’m not really a “project” person and even though I tried to keep it low key (and my husband was GREAT and tried to do lots but there were some things it was just better for me to do), there was a lot to think about! And some of my planned simple things did end up getting a bit bigger than originally intended…
But I did really want to celebrate with as many of our family and friends as possible, and it was great to share it with them. We did ask people to donate to charity, but ended up doing a register to keep people happy and quite a lot of people still got us things that they just thought we “needed”!
I don’t know how some people survive when they try to match shoes and paper and napkins and chair covers and orders of service and all kinds of crazy stuff…
A wedding should be a celebration, not torture!
And married life is good
Although we’re still working on writing thank you letters to people…
Ha, I love it…Weddings are way overrated in my opinion. The boy toy and I will run away to an Island in the Caribbean. I will have a simple plain dress and him a simple outfit and probably barefoot.
It will be great…and best of all – you got it, Fish, NO STRESS…
Hello Weddingmoon!!
I got married last September – we had the big bash – flowers, limos, gourmet food, live band, open bar, brunch the next day. I go back and forth about my decisions – I could have done it all differently – but in the end-Guess what? That wedding reception is not for you. That’s what the ceremony and the honeymoon is for. That wedding reception is a celebration of your life and the poeple who helped you along the way. All your family, your parents friends who are as good as family, friends from grade school (and their parents!) college roommates, co-workers… It the coming together of your life and his.
It is a shame that weddings and receptions have become this big industry, but don’t force those closest to you to miss out on the biggest day of your life.
See… I guess I don’t see my wedding as the biggest day of my life. That’s a whole lot of pressure to put on one occasion. Getting married should only cement what’s already important – all the days up to and all the days after are just as meaningful.
Also, If you have divorced parents, a wedding is not the most comfortable idea. I don’t WANT all the people I care about in one room because crazy **** happens and I have to deal with the fallout. No. Thank. You.
I had a big wedding. It was beautiful, we had a blast. But at the end of the day, we spent a TON of money for a dress, some flowers, and a big party w/everyone we loved.
Last I checked, you can have all that anytime you want at a fraction of the cost, with just as much fun & none of the formal bs (or table camera pics of all the same stuff you just paid oodles for the professional photographer to take).
I say bravo for knowing what you don’t want.
Many women are grown up little girls, who have had visions of lace and weddings dancing through their heads since they were little girls, hosting weddings between Barbie and Ken. Me? I never dreamed of the wedding. Instead, I dreamed of the marriage. My ideal wedding was a fun trip to Vegas.
Alas, that was not appropriate for my husband’s family. So, I spent 25k on a wedding. My entire savings. I wish I would have put my foot down- I hated it. I hated that I was forced to throw a big wedding, that I didn’t want. I wish that money was invested elsewhere- because that wedding? Almost destroyed us. His mother got drunk, pushed the friend who walked me down the aisle, and all other drama ensued.
If I had to do it all over again, I would scream “NO” while giving a big hearty middle finger to his family.
We did get some great gifts though.
wow. i completely disagree. i mean, i think it’s your wedding so it’s going to reflect you, and if elopement is you, then that’s perfect. but otherwise, for me, i completely disagree. i got married last month and the wedding wasn’t about showing off or inviting everyone we had ever met. we had 120 people which some people think is small, some people think is large, but it was filled with people who love us, people we love. people who are family even if they aren’t by blood. it was amazing. it was about love and celebration and life and sharing. it was not about money or gifts, but it did cost money and we did get gifts.
as for the registry … you know you don’t have to use it, right? if someone registers, it just means you can buy from it if you get stuck. it’s not greed, it’s guidance. every item on our registry was something we wanted, but the gifts we got that deviated from our registry were just as cherished. if you have another idea … go for it. as for not getting them anything … really? really? not getting them anything? maybe you don’t really like these people. maybe that’s where the rant is stemming from.
Fish I adore you and thought the same thing about eloping UNTIL I met my future mother in law.
It would break that woman’s heart if I married her son in her absence. Thus creating drama after the wedding that would last my entire life….. can you imagine having to be reminded year after year that you didn’t invite your hubby’s mother to the wedding? So I say deal with the 6 months of drama over the life time of drama.
Just my two cents.
I have a roadblock as far as letting guilt be the reason I do or do not do something. I am all for treating people’s feelings with consideration, but there is a limit to how much I let those feelings dictate what I do. Does that make sense?
Oh. You funny funny girl.
I’m sure one of those comments that I just willy-nilly scrolled past has pointed out that ‘regular tail’ and marriage are very nearly oxymoronic?
You make me laugh.
And?
I was all up in arms-ish about your rant right up until the point that you said if I wanted to make yeasty concoctions (hehe yeasty) I would have already bought myself a bread maker. Cause I do. And I have. Arms down.
After a “failed” engagement, I made the same vow.
Of course, then I met a man with a large, close-knit Catholic family– more reason not to throw a wedding, but more people he didn’t want to disappoint. It turned out to be a moot concern when his mother told us *no* day in 2007 would work for her, because she either had plans or was working, and “wasn’t going to use up a vacation day.”
My sister saved the day with a great idea the week before Christmas. We quickly planned a New Year’s Eve party– the invites said to join us for a toast to new beginnings. We figured those closest to us would come if we threw a party, any party. As everyone was finishing their yummy, relaxed, buffet-style dinner we slipped out and changed clothes; then we reentered to join the minister at the front of the room and say brief, meaningful vows.
Today we tell people we eloped to our own wedding, and it was a great way to start our marriage, with the focus on celebrating our commitment to each other as we planned and executed the day as a team.
So… an idea if you need to compromise!
I proposed to you once before…and this just makes me wish you’d said “yes” that much more.
For what it’s worth, you in a floppy sun hat and a cute floral dress…me in a nice jacket and pair of slacks, and sandals…a minister, a witness and the most beautiful beach we can find…
…the offer is always open.
I’m guessing you just watched Sex & the City, the Movie.
Makes perfect sense on the “guilt pressure” and “not wanting them all in the same place” sentiments. But I suppose what compelled my comment initially was my inference that you believe ALL weddings are bad, greedy, indulgent occasions. Oh silly Marta. To each their own. I don’t even know you despite the internet-y illusion.
Anyhoo… I like going to weddings. I liked my own wedding. I don’t like greedy SOBs. I like people doing what makes them happy. I don’t like people living their lives for other people.
And also. I like booze. The end.
Woohoo!
I went to one of those Habitat for Humanity restores yesterday, and I can report that there was one huge shelf filled with nothing but bread makers. I swear!
I don’t have divorced parents, so I know I can’t understand what it is like. I am sorry that your families would not be able to put aside differences and be in a room together in order to share in your wedding day.
You will not regret your decision one bit, I promise. Husband and I practically eloped and it was wonderful. We told people we were getting married, but didn’t invite folks to the wedding. We found a minister in my mom’s (she and step-dad witnessed) town, walked to a nearby park (on July 4th!) said our vows and walked back to mom’s for some lunch and cake. About 6 weeks later we hosted a bbq for friends to celebrate.
Everytime I see a wedding show on tv or read about the ridiculous money some couples spend, and of course all the STRESS that comes with it, I smile because I didn’t put myself thru that.
Let’s put the icing on the cake.. My best friend (let’s just say former thanks to the bridezilla in her) not only registered for gofts after living with her fella for years they registered with a travel agency to have guests “donate to their honeymoon” and a trust acct at a bank to get “donations for mortgage payment”
Really? Seriously? It was unreal!!
Maybe it’s just a function of watching friends go through the hub-bub associated with big production weddings or just that really I’m not that into those kind of things…but I’m with you 100%. As I told the BF, as long as my man, and maybe a few of the people I care about the most are there I don’t need the big production. Besides, I look horrible in white.
The use of “Sweet baby jesus” made me laugh, more than it should have. and I would have to agree. My parents eloped and the only thing I will really be spending money on if I ever manage to get married, will be the reception….open bar!
1. you ROCK sister! i had the big wedding the first time around only bc i’m an only child and did it for my mom. next time, it’s my deal and i always thought about getting married in the middle of a village in a third world country while on a mission trip for our honeymoon. now that i just got a job in city planning in city hall, i’m thinking it might be just as appropriate to have a small ceremony with just immediate family on the plaza of city hall, complete with the homeless people of the city. most of my family lives in jersey and italy and my parents and i live in florida. i would much rather take my new husband to meet my relatives rather than make them come here.
2. i think the idea behind weddings has gotten out of control and THAT is what turns me off about them. bc no matter what you do, people are going to judge your decisions and create drama. to spend a ridiculous amount of money and start my marriage off in debt just to attempt to please other people is insanity!!!
3. i recently heard about a couple that were married for a year and then decided to throw the cheapest wedding they could get away with just to get the gifts. seriously.
4. i disagree with a post that you’re obligated to buy someone a gift, no matter how small, just because you’re invited. i don’t make a lot of money and if i had to buy a gift for every event i was invited to, i’d be broke! if i’m not close to someone, i decline and they get a card. that’s it!
1. you ROCK sister! i had the big wedding the first time around only bc i’m an only child and did it for my mom. next time, it’s my deal and i always thought about getting married in the middle of a village in a third world country while on a mission trip for our honeymoon. now that i just got a job in city planning in city hall, i’m thinking it might be just as appropriate to have a small ceremony with just immediate family on the plaza of city hall, complete with the homeless people of the city. most of my family lives in jersey and italy and my parents and i live in florida. i would much rather take my new husband to meet my relatives rather than make them come here.
2. i think the idea behind weddings has gotten out of control and THAT is what turns me off about them. bc no matter what you do, people are going to judge your decisions and create drama. to spend a ridiculous amount of money and start my marriage off in debt just to attempt to please other people is insanity!!!
3. i recently heard about a couple that were married for a year and then decided to throw the cheapest wedding they could get away with just to get the gifts. seriously.
4. i disagree with a post that you’re obligated to buy someone a gift, no matter how small, just because you’re invited. i don’t make a lot of money and if i had to buy a gift for every event i was invited to, i’d be broke! if i’m not close to someone, i decline and they get a card. that’s it!
yup, after “a certain age” (which, perhaps, everyone hits in their own time), a registry is just an exercise in cashing in. i’m 31, i’ve been out in the world for a good long while now, and i don’t need anyone to buy me crap because someone’s moving in permanently.
i was at a friend’s (modest, but traditional) wedding a few weeks ago with my guy. i turned to him at the reception and asked how he’d feel about a *highly* non-traditional wedding. he was beyond happy with the idea, and we sat there and planned out our theoretical wedding (nope, we’re nowhere near, either) without a problem. and without a big doily-fest of narcissism. yep, i love this guy.
Yep, my former husband insisted we have a big wedding complete with bridal registry (12 place setting of casual china-we never used it! crystal, etc) I was just out of college making $7.50 an hour (in 1995) and my parents couldn’t afford to help pay for a big wedding. I absolutely cried when we looked at the first reception place and I saw the prices of everything. His parents, lovely as they were, insisted on paying so that we weren’t saddled with even more debt. I insisted that it be a lunch reception instead of dinner reception so that it would be much more affordable. My former husband planned everything – I had no clue as I came from a small town where wedding receptions were held in the church basement. Next wedding will be elopement or destination wedding! And there will be no registry!
Ugh, you think breadmakers are bad? The last wedding I was invited to (and did not attend, needless to say) had Wii and Playstation games on their registry!! I was appalled. They also had movies and books… honestly. Registries are just too out of control these days!
Hi Fish! My man and I just eloped to Nicaragua a few weeks ago. If you allow links, the youtube video of our photo montage is here
http://youtube.com/watch?v=5r3DpY8ciNc
otherwise, just go to youtube and search “binaross.”
and ps
we did not register! but all of our friends gave us gift cards to Lowes and Home Depot for our new little house. buying dirt and paint is even better than registering.
Hi Fish! My man and I just eloped to Nicaragua a few weeks ago. If you allow links, the youtube video of our photo montage is here
http://youtube.com/watch?v=5r3DpY8ciNc
otherwise, just go to youtube and search “binaross.”
and ps
we did not register! but all of our friends gave us gift cards to Lowes and Home Depot for our new little house. buying dirt and paint is even better than registering.
I’m going through the agony that is The Best Friend’s Wedding…200 people, chair covers (?!), and an absurd amount of money. The good part is that I’ll not the type to have a big wedding, so I’m living vicariously though hers..and feeling better and better about it every day.
You know, this is funny. I was just talking with my mother the other day about my wedding, which is so far in the future that it may never happen.
She and my father got married by a justice of the peace, without all that hullaballoo of reception and shower and fancy frilly dresses. I would love to do as they did! Bypass all the unnecessary accoutrements, and just get to what really matters, because in the end, eloping just might be more fun! : )
Fish, you never did strike me as the sort who would like the traditional fairy-tale wedding.
I laughed out loud when I read this blogpost. Saw the elopement of Ari’s friends on her blog.
A LONG time ago when I was 25 I had the big wedding. It really wasn’t that big because our families were totally against it, but I had the church, the candles, the dress, the dance and the booze. I loved that dress. Didn’t register, it seemed like trolling for dollars, which proved to be a mistake ( won’t even go there). I always wanted to be a bride and I got my wish with no help from anyone and a lot of grief from everyone. Fast forward more than 20 years, the marriage broke up and I still had terrible time donating that dress. I loved it, had nothing to do with my feelings for him.
So now I have a fabulous friend and lover and we are planning our own elopement for next year. We won’t tell anyone except his mom and my daughter the day we leave. Not sure where yet, we live at the beach, maybe the Keys? Check out this place http://www.weddingstogokeywest.com/ and this dress I already bought (esp the price!)
http://www.jessicamcclintock.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10002&storeId=10001&productId=105514&categoryId=10331&subcatname=Brides&spage=1&langId=-1&parent_category_rn=10318
Announcement will be made via the internet with a link to our wedding photos on picasa. I do wish Jasmine* lived on this side of the country. Our money will be spent on our “weddingmoon” and we are too old to care about the dramatic fall out when we get back.
I thought you were Jewish this whole time.
I so totally agree! I thought I was the only one who thought all the stress and angst that comes with planning some massive wedding is ridiculous! =) Eloping is much more desirable…
One note on breadmakers…. If they are so great, why does everyone I know who ever bought one try to give it away to me? No, it will not turn me into Suzy Q. Homemaker! LOL
Nicole
I tried eloping (a trip to NOLA) with my former and it failed (marriage too – oh yeah, I said former). Perhaps it was in the stars or ill-planned. When we got to NOLA from NYC on a Friday we arrived too late to get the blood test. This was before Jazzfest. Lesson? Not during Jazzfest or late on Friday when the judge leaves early. Now – I just finished a gig as wedding singer for a beautiful bride (her 3rd his 2nd) outside the lovely couples home in front of a 250 y.o. elm tree. Somehow they managed to capture the 3 major religions (Hindu, Jewish, Christian) with a minister named Latifah officiating. Just me and the Celtic harpist as accompaniment. Sure there was some ‘Disco Inferno’ the next day but that marriage ceremony even for a heretic like me, was magical.
Oh Fish, I don’t know you but I like you. I got married a year ago and did the elopement thing. It was great.
I love your line about “no relationships were harmed….” I guess I’ve been in/been to too many weddings where all I heard about for weeks prior is someone’s WORLD-ENDING transgression and slight.
And the most fun part is, that I didn’t have showers and big fat wedding (totally my choice) and didn’t inflict mandatory gift giving on everybody. However, I am still invited and expected to give the gifts and showers to others who continue to participate in this obsolete tradition.
I’m getting married next weekend and am very excited to be having a big wedding with the dress and the 200 people. I think it’s a choice that each person has to make on their own. Planning the wedding and registering with my soon-to-be husband was awesome. It was a fantastic experience that I will never forget.