(You’ll have to forgive the typing and spelling errors in this post. I’m using an Italian keyboard on what has to be the oldest computer I’ve ever seen, with a blinking green screen that might make me fall into a twitchy fit at any second.)
Several people have asked how I feel about traveling alone. It must be miserable! Or wonderful! And yes, yes it is.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised about this, but I am not homesick. At all. I miss my cat and my big, comfy bed and such, but I don’t want to go home (though, in all honesty, I do have to remind myself of that when I am having a particularly frustrating TrainItalia experience and my back hurts and I really, really want a hot bath). It’s Because of the way I’m wired that I don’t get lonely. At least, not as a result of the absence of people. I get lonely when I don’t feel wanted or appreciated. That is isolation. Exploring Venice without a partner, is not.
Most of the time, I’ve found that I love traveling alone – walking by myself, eating while absent-mindedly flipping through a guidebook (there are tomato stains all over mine), not stopping to see important works of art because I just don’t want to. Spending twenty-two minutes trying to get just the perfect shot of some chubby-cheeked urchin trying to decide if feeding the pigeons is a safe activity to engage in. God, he was cute. And I love not having to worry about being somewhere or pleasing anyone. It’s selfish and it’s satisfying.
I miss touch, though. I could use a hug, or sixty, right about now.
And I wish, so much, that Sarah could be here with me. We wanted to see Italy together. And when I see gorgeous red shoes or a smoking hot gondolier, I think, Oh, Sarah. Where are you? But even Sarah and I would have to take alone time if she were here. Hours of it. Because I know that she, like I do, revels in the experience of swimming around in her own thoughts, and the freedom of stopping to take just one more picture of pretty window boxes without having to care if it holds anyone up.
When she asked how it was for me, being by myself, I wrote:
You know what’s hardest? Being alone in my wrong-ness. Like when I go out to eat, and fumble around trying to find words, or to get what I want – I’m the only one looking like an ass. There’s no one to turn to and say, “God, I hope I get the trout and not the tripe.” That’s what’s hard.
But that’s how it is. The selfish and the satisfying can turn so quickly into the empty and meaningless if there is no one to share it with. Which is why, dear Interweb, I thank the Baby J that all of this possible. Sharing things, without proximity or touching, with miles and miles between me and the ones I love. A photo sent to Sarah of beautiful red shoes. A message from Jamie, “Dallas misses you.” An email to my mother that says, “Venice!” And one from her that says, “I worry. I’m glad you are safe.”
So you see, I am alone here. But I am not lonely.
I live on my own and have for sometime now. I used to be married did the kid thing tried to be a half decent dad and all but alas it just wasnt meant to be (not that there’s a monopoly on broken relationships as i have since found out … i have lots of company) … and like you say, being alone and being lonely are two different things. I have more than enough to keep me busy believe me … its not wasted time, rather quite the opposite (and mortgage free LOL)… I am tired of other people (couples of course) who look at you and silently say with their eyes “how sad it must be” … well as I sit here looking out my window over the park behind where i live with a cat on my lap and the phone ringing every so often from friends asking if i want to come out and play, alone is not so bad … just every so often cabin fever strikes and then one ventures out to re-affirm the choice one has made.
We are exactly alike in this respect. I could go for days without missing companionship. Until I do.
Is Venice as wonderful as I think it is? How many men have fallen hopelessly in love with you?
I have taken quite a few vacations to European cities alone, and I have to say that I have no regrets about doing so. Oh sure there are the odd moments where it would be good to have someone around, but I loved the flexibility of doing things on my own schedule. Thus if I wanted to running around checking out ever must see place recommended by the guide, I could do that. At the same time, if I just wanted to sit in a cafe watching the world go by for hours on end, that was ok too.
I am a big fan of solo travel. In fact, all of my vacations/mini-breaks to European cities have been alone. And while there have been times where I wished a familiar face was around, I have never felt lonely. Plus, I liked being able to run around a city and take in every must see place if that is what I desired. I also liked the flexibility of being able to lounge in a cafe watching the world go by.
What a lovely post. I’ve been reading here for a long time and have never commented, but I am loving your travel stories. I’m gearing up for my first solo trip to Europe, a month in Austria and Germany, and the idea of it is at once incredibly freeing and completely terrifying. Thanks for your post; it was exactly what I needed.
Sounds idyllic. The people, places, solitude. But your enjoyment is tempered by the fact that Sir Hal is spending all his waking hours (all 3.5 out of every 24) here: http://www.lolsecretz.blogspot.com, telling lies and talking catsmack.
Heather, that is just lovely. And you might meet some wonderful people on your travels. Enjoy it, just like you are. I still haven’t been to Italy and want to go.
I hope I find myself in a similar position some day, sooner than later.
You are fabulous!
That summarizes how I feel about traveling alone perfectly. Glad you’re having a good time Heather.
To me, you have perfectly described what I would call loneliness. Being ‘Alone in my wrong-ness” or rightness is about as sad as you can get in my view. But I do agree that quiet time to argue with no one except me is cathartic. Vacations and travel are fun, but I am just as happy and excited to get back home. You are a braver woman than I, Fish.
One word: beautiful! I feel I know exactly what you mean. Also, I must admit I envy this traveling job of yours tremendously. It is essentially my ideal career. If you decide you want to quit, I’d take over in a heart-beat…but then I couldn’t read about your experiences which I do enjoy:)
“The opposite of loneliness, it’s not togetherness. It is intimacy.”
Richard Bach.
I completely get this…especially the part about swimming around in your own thoughts. I write much more clearly than I speak, at times, and occasionally suspect that which I spew forth verbally never quite matches up to what is in my head and probably gets misunderstood a fair amount of the time. Given all of that, I too, would find it occasionally challenging to travel with someone who I felt I needed to please, entertain or …gasp…compromise with. It takes a very special chemistry to travel together…two who can enjoy collective and alone space and not always have to state the obvious. But I do love how you expressed that those sought-after “selfish and satisfying” moments can turn “empty and meaningless” as I have experienced that truth.
I adore your writing and no doubt many of us are living somewhat vicariously through you. So share those moments, as you so eleoquently do, so they don’t feel empty and meaningless for long!
Oddly, traveling alone sounds an awful lot like living alone. Either way, stay safe and have fun. We all appreciate that you didn’t leave US alone while you travel.
Beautifully said.
)
Well said, so true.
Enjoy it. Having alone time is a gift – even when it seems like you’re having too much of it. I’m jealous!
It takes guts and a strong sense of self to enjoy the world around you while enjoying your own company. I don’t think anyone would want to live an eternal solitary existence, but I applaud you for making the most of an amazing opportunity while recognizing the things that are truly important.
Fish, your photos are gorgeous! Being able to read your stories as you travel has been amazing, thank you!
Good going! Are you still in Venice? Try Trattoria Da Alvise, near the boat station at Fondamente Nuove where the boats leave for Murano.
Beautifully said. I think what I realize most when I’m traveling alone…or spending any time “alone” for that matter…is that I’m never really alone if I don’t want to be. Not to be cheesy, but really, the next friend is only a conversation away. They might not be exactly who you expect them to be, but people really step up when you let go of expectations. Or, rather, when you expect to be welcomed.
Once when I was in Rome with a boyfriend (I acutally preferred Rome alone), we were heckeled by a man selling roses. My boyfriend begrudgingly bought 3 roses (hence, preferring Rome alone). He was so upset about it, I decided we should give them away and enjoy that. We gave 2 to a sad looking Italian woman looking over the young nighttime crowd at the Spanish Steps. For a moment she was skeptical, and then admitted she was having a particularly tough time of it lately and the roses really made her day. We talked for a little while and went on our way, but had we chosen to stay, I’m sure we would’ve had a new friend
I just got back from a trip to Kazakhstan and Germany. The time in Kaz I was with a my childhood best friend helping her adopt her daughter. I extended my layover in Germany to 5 days and was traveling alone. I loved it! I have been married for 16 years and have an 11 year old daughter. So the time by myself was so nice. I got to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. No arguments. But I did feel lonely at times. I work at a university managing the information center and get paid to talk to hundreds of people every day. So I missed the moments of conversation when I was looking down from a church tower over old Heidelberg. I wanted to say to someone “Isn’t this INCREDIBLE?!”. But I can’t wait to do it again. I love hearing about your experiences and imagining the places you are going and seeing it through your eyes. You’re doing a great job in writing about it. Keep it up!
Nice post.
I understand entirely. I don’t feel alone despite being on the road for 2 months now, but then I have my wife and child with me. What I miss most is my own toilet. Nothing says comfort and home like a throne of one’s own.
Heather,
You are an inspiration to me.
Also living vicariously through you, enjoying your stories and beautiful photos.
Happy and safe travels
I do know what you mean. I miss touch too – it’s like all my nerve endings tingle and a hug is like a huge ZAP! I get lonely when everyone around me is doing family things. Holidays and Sunday nights are hardest.
I have found that the biggest hurdle when traveling alone is to commit. Everything after the decision is easy. I have learned some of my greatest life lessons traveling alone. And as long as you have the interweb, you’ll never really be alone
I wish so much that I was there with you too, love.
I’m the same way! I just spent a week in Florence alone, and it was such a foreign concept to so many people – but not once was a lonely. It was wonderful.
Only coming home back to routine did I remember – oh wait I’m alone – and then I felt it.
i’m happy exploring life on my own, until i get horny.
I backpacked through Europe about six years ago when I was in college. I went over there with two best friends, but things didn’t work out, so I decided to go on my own for the last month. I was beyond liberating. Just as you said, it’s nice to skip something you’re just not in the mood to see, and wander busy foreign streets by yourself. Besides, I found when traveling through Europe, you’re not really alone even if you are alone. There are so many people to meet, other travelers, that are always open to have a fellow traveler tag along. I made some lifelong friends this way.
Good luck This Fish…enjoy your travel time alone!
-20Something
Can we have more pictures of You in Italy? We want to see your beautiful face!
Good for you! We should all be so brave and adventurous!
Beautifully written, thank you. I can relate to so much of this, as applied to my everyday life. It’s nice to know others see it the same as I do.
Now, on to those hot gondoliers & fabulous shoes!
Thanks for saying that…there is a huge difference in being alone & being lonely…I live alone & treasure being able to be myself & bask in my own space…that I don’t have to share with anyone unless I want to…I do live alone but am far from being lonely…I’ve only taken a couple weekend trips alone but plan on venturing out more…I’m only guessing that I’ll not be lonely!
Thank you, you give me hope!
hi, fish.
i’ve lurked for a while, but never posted before. i recently returned from my first solo vacation (i’m 31). i enjoyed not having to take anyone else into consideration and not having a set itinerary to follow. what struck me is that after i returned, i had about 4 or 5 slightly older women-all of whom have kids and most of whom are also married-tell me how brave i was. i wanted to respond that they couldn’t be serious. going on vacation alone does not seem terribly brave when compared to raising kids.
I’m reading your post while traveling alone in Australia. I agree whole-heartedly that solo travel is the way to go. It’s terribly easy to meet locals when you don’t have the shield of a friend or spouse in the way.
Have a fantastic trip, I know I am!
Beautiful. You captured my life with this, you know – that’s every day, much of the time, so I’m very thankful I work with (mostly) great people…. \
Be safe and have fun.
I went to LA alone. Not exactly the same as leaving the country, but for someone raised to be scared of all new things, it was a big deal for me. I had a lot of fun most of the time.
Heather – You are an inspiration and I needed that since I just moved 1400 miles away from my friends for a job on Martha’s Vineyard. In a sense I feel like a tourist right now and I have been a little apprehensive about venturing out alone. You’ve given me a big push. Thanks
I did Italy (Rome, Venice, Lake Como, Pisa and Florene) alone. It was an amazing experience.
What a lovely post! I’ve travelled alone and have loved it as well. I agree with your thoughts on the difference between being lonely and being along. Italy is my favorite destination – Enjoy!
That post was literally word for word how I felt just a few months ago. While studying abroad in France, I traveled through Italy for two weeks completely by myself. Barely speaking French, and knowing no Italian, it was the most terrifying and bravest thing I’ve ever done. Being lonely was my second greatest fear, directly following getting lost and never being heard from again. But between reading, writing, and the torrents of my own overwhelming thoughts, I never felt truly lonely. It was there that I realized that there was a difference between being alone and being lonely. I did cry, several times, wishing that maybe someone could be there to experience that pasta in Rome, or the Vatican Mass on Easter, or the Duomo in its glamour with me. But I learned the appreciate my own company, and also that having my own experiences, with literally not a soul to share them with, is something that I can keep in my heart. It’s something that defines me. The greatest experience ever.
Very good article. I hope by sharing this with the readers, and seeing how they relate to these sentiments, you feel a little less alone, in your travels. I have felt what you describe quite often. I find humor is an absolute necessity. Laugh often. Also, marvel at the little things… You’re lucky to have a family to share your thoughts with, and readers to share your experiences with. You can definitely be alone and not lonely, although for many people it requires a radical shift in perspective, and the relevance one places upon those around us, who we interact with, even in limited capacities. Some very spiritual individuals interpret every action, no matter how minute, as an act of God dealing with the soul. You need not be traditionally religious to do so. It’s life-altering. And you may find that when you stop and listen, things are indeed being said to you.
I’m actually amazed by all the readers here. There are so many people who seem to be comfortable with being alone. For me, I don’t feel comfortable unless I’m around others. It’s a weird self-destruction kinda thing. I just wander off so much in my own indecision that I don’t know what to do with myself. And then I start thinking dark, lonely thoughts. If not that, then I just bore myself to death.
I hope one day to have the strength to travel alone in a country, or simply to truly be at peace in my solitude. Great post!