For the most part, I have always considered myself to be a flexible person. In making and changing plans and the like, I’m fairly easy to please. I adapt well to new situations. I make friends pretty easily. You get the idea. But when it comes to new ideas… when it comes to changing my mind? Turns out, I’m stubborn.
A few weeks ago, Ben and I were chatting over email about, of all things, dating and sex. (That we no longer actually do these things together apparently does not preclude us from discussing them with a Jerry & Elaine frankness that I find bizarre and simultaneously really comforting.) During our exchange, Ben brought up an interesting theory (not his own) that throws the Three-Date Rule right out the window. We’re talking three months here, folks. I’ve never subscribed to the Three-Date Rule or — any other rule for that matter — because I believe these things should be more… organic and progress at a pace completely unrelated to palm pilots and desk calendars. And three months? That seemed even more ridiculous. So, I said as much and dismissed it. Then Ben presented its merits and I dismissed those, too.
“You’re being stubborn,” he wrote.
That pissed me off. Stubborn? Me? I wasn’t being stubborn simply because I refused to admit that an idea — one which happened to go against my own possibly damaging behavior — had some merit.
Wait. Yeah. That sounds pretty stubborn.
In the short time it took me to hit reply and begin to type the ever so predictable, “I am not!” response, I’d cooled my jets and dropped the guise.
Maybe I’m stubborn because I don’t like being open to the possibility that I could be wrong. And I hate being wrong. I’m smart, so I should never be wrong. I’m careful and deliberate so I should never make a mistake. I should be fucking flawless! Turns out, I’m also human, making that whole perfection thing sort of impossible. (Unless of course, you’re the Baby Jesus. But don’t get me started on him.)
Human frailty has always been a really hard for me to deal with; my own, most of all. But as I get older, more forgiving and more inclined to take a minute before hitting “Reply,” I realize, it’s not such a bad thing. Being human is actually a very okay thing. It’s frightening and disorienting and painful, but it’s also really rich and wonderfully funny. My idiosyncrasies crack me up. They have to. Otherwise, they’d drive me so crazy I’d probably be in a little white room with padded walls and no internet connection.
And no one wants that.
ummm… so what is the three date/ three month rule?
J, I would guess it is how long you wait to play naked.
Our choicest plans have fallen through,
our airiest castles tumbled over,
because of lines we neatly drew
and later neatly stumbled over.
- Piet Hein, Grooks
Humanity, in a nutshell.
um, ok, it’s great that you’re trying to be flexible enough? but three months? i don’t even need to hear the whole theory. dude, a girl’s gotta get laid.
Exactly! The more you accept your own quirkiness the easire things are
3 months? pffct. i am 26, and have just realized some of the same things about myself. i loved this line: But as I get older, more forgiving and more inclined to take a minute before hitting “Reply,” I realize, it’s not such a bad thing.
good stuff.
also, visited Ben’s site — and i sit here in tears after reading his Mr Rogers post. *sniff sniff*
Stubborn?
Men like to throw that word around when they clearly are not getting their way. As if, at the sudden use of the word, we will fall to our knees, repent and say “Oh, how right you are!”
When THEY are stubborn, it is SHOWING LEADERSHIP.
I relish my stubborn bitchiness. But then again, I have been told I make Baby Jesus cry.
Your writing is frank and honest. It’s refreshing. And, whatt he hell is the three date rule?
Come out with me Friday night. We’ll find some boys we can not sleep with for 3 months! Yum!
Ahh yes, waiting a minute before hitting the “Reply” button is a sign of maturity and a hard one to endure. It does cut down on the email regret though!
For me, admitting weaknesses ultimately is liberating because you don’t have to waste energy defending yourself and avoiding what you know needs to be addressed. Your load is further lightened when you and have small victories toward change—frailty becomes strength.
Ben might be onto something; I can think of several people, who, if I’d waited three months, I wouldn’t have ended up in bed with at all.
True, true.
Though, B and I knew each other more like, 6 months and it didn’t save us any drama.
I waited two months and, at the time, I didn’t think it was long enough. We did end up marring each other tho (14 years this year), so I say wait the two long months.
There would have been no way I could wait six months!
I am flexible but once i have a plan or idea it’s hard to change modes… It’s something that kept me out of more serious trouble when i was a teen… something that kept me in bad relationships when i was 20, something that makes my husband love me anyways… it’s not all bad
Yeah, I used to be young and perfect and always right. Now my age is catching up with me and along comes humbleness and imperfection. Acceptance is a big thing nowadays. Stubborn…me? I come from a long line of stubborn women who wore the pants in the family. As I get older, I wear skirts more often. My ankles still look good and I don’t have to be right all the time.