“This is going to sound cheesy,” she said. Then she narrowed her eyes, shifted her weight to one hip and gave me this look that said she was sizing me up. For ability to get cheesy. I must have passed the Get Test because she continued. “But when I take a person’s portrait, what I’m really trying to do is show them the beauty I see in them. The beauty they don’t see.”
And this – precisely this – is why I asked Torrie to shoot my photo in Central Park on Sunday.
I know what you’re thinking. Oh the vanity! But nothing doing. This is far, far more calculated than vanity.
For Christmas last year, my mother asked for a nice picture of me. It was all she wanted – pictures of her children to line her mantle. I sent her nothing that Christmas. Why? Well, for one, I felt ugly. Just back from winter vacation with friends, their cameras had recorded an image of me that I couldn’t even begin to reconcile. It wasn’t what I saw in my head, what I associated with the name, Heather. There were plenty of reasons for that.
If you become unhappy enough, it is possible to dissolve into a version of yourself, an iteration entirely unrecognizable. Grotesque, even.
Secondly (and very closely related to the first), it seems that lately, every time I look at a picture of myself, I see the same thing. A strained thinness to my top lip, a flatness in my eyebrows. A smile that isn’t really. It’s tension. And it’s evidence. Of just how uneasy I am about what’s happening in that little digital box. And about where that picture is going to end up.
Flickr comments terrify me. They just do. Probably because imperfection terrifies me.
Torrie has a remarkable series of self portraits (a few of which have shown up in places like the New York Times) that I got to browsing one day. They range from funny to stark and unsettling to emotional and moving. As I was clicking through her flickr page, it occurred to me. I would ask Torrie to take my picture. She is amazing behind a camera. And what’s more, she is a woman and knows women (and their insecurities). But most of all, she really understands faces. And light. And beauty.
I was thrilled when she agreed. And I was grateful because she understood right away what this project meant to me – not only in terms of the actual pictures, but in what I needed to get from the experience. Wear dark colors and meet her at the 79th Street entrance to Central Park at 4PM on Sunday. Those were here instructions. She didn’t tell me to smile, how to hold my head or where to look. She moved a few stray hairs and told me I made her job easy. And for once, I did not have to tell myself to relax.
When the woman with the camera tells you you’re pretty, it’s one thing. When you actually believe it, that is quite another. Because then, it shows.
GREAT photo! A real smile that shows in your eyes, too.
Just one question: how long is your hair now??
Long. Past the middle of my back long.
That is a GREAT photo! You are beautiful and your mom is going to love her gift.
Looking good! And I can relate to the mental vs. mirror mismatch.
gorgeous photo!
Such a true beauty…
I believe other women should read this inspiring post. Hope it’s ok to link you up in my post.
And again, you look wonderful!
That’s a VERY good picture indeed. Mind you, you looked lovely on the wedding pics, too, but here you look much more at ease with yourself and the camera.
You look great. The colour choice of your blouse is perfect for you. And the smile is real – that truly comes through.
I work with a lot of teenage girls who can’t see themselves through the fog of angst and unhappiness…I hope that someday at least a few of them come to the point you have in this pic!
Lovely
… Because then, it shows.
It sure does!
I think your mom is going to be happy.
I hope this experience lasts a life time and that you never feel ‘not pretty’ or whatever, ever again…because you clearly have no reason to do so!
Good on ya H!
Nice natural photo.
Are you a fan of black and white portaits? I’m sure your Mum will absolutely love this.
You look *mahvellous*, dahling!
Seriously, a fabulous photo. You look positively radiant. It’s clear to see that the beauty in this photo is *not* skin-deep…although *that* part looks pretty damned fine, too!
This Northern Lad offers his heartiest applause. Well done!
That is a beautiful photo.
YOUR smile made ME smile — the true test of a good portrait. very nicely done! the color of your blouse and the bricks work so well together. one question, tho: did she take any without the person with the green backpack in the background, slightly behind your head?
A beautiful picture of what I can only imagine to be a beautiful human being.
Your mom will adore it!
Great photo! You look beautiful and so at ease. I love taking pictures outdoors, natural light is so much better than those stuffy indoor staged portraits. The shirt your wearing is a great color on you too.
Beautiful. And that is radiating from inside you.
You look great! But more importantly you look happy with yourself. I loved this post–I understood exactly what you mean. I have been reading for more than a year, but never commented. Just want to add to the praise and tell you that you are a great writer. Keep it up!!! And death to all leggings and skinny pants!!
WOW
Great photo, missy!!
Wish Torrie worked the Midwest…..
You are so pretty!! That is a great photo and I am loving your hair!! Naturally straight or blow out? Because if there is a product you use to make it look that way, I think I need to know what it is…
This is out-of-the-shower straightness. I can’t get my hair to curl, wave or even kink without a major production.
Fish, fish – your words describe the experience beautifully, even before I laid eyes on the picture. I’m so happy you’re finding comfort inside yourself, and I feel privileged that you’re inviting we strangers to come along for the ride. You’re so very generous.
And gorgeous.
I have the same hair situation fish. I used to kill my hair with perms when I was young because I wanted curly hair so bad (think Keri Russell).
Don’t worry though. I came to my senses around the 10th grade and let it go straight again.
Cover girl!
A little ZZZZUH! of your own I see. Great Pic. Natural
Beautiful. She did good. But she had a lovely subject to work with. By the way, I’ve always loved the picture on your sidebar.
I can so relate to what you’re saying though. I feel the exact same way. I cannot stand having my picture taken. Maybe I need to hire Torrie!
You’re gorgeous.
Great photo.
Ah…I am very jealous. My hair is a weird sort of wavy that won’t do anything normal (curl or be straight) without a big production.
That is an excellent photo. You are beautiful, and lucky to have a friend who wants to capture it on camera.
Just wanted to say that you look comfortable and confident in your photo. It’s the face of a woman ready to take on whatever comes her way.
You look real pretty!
I love that color of your shirt… and as others have said- the combo of that, your hair, the background and your noticeable comfort in the scene makes for a great picture. Your momma will love it.
va va va voom!
lovely photo heather! she really captured you. that dark pink shirt is definitely a winner as well.
It was an honor (and super fun) to photograph you.
Also, I am still thinking about that dinner.
Yeah!! You look so happy!
Wow, I hope you can see how beautiful you are!
I just read a little about Stephanie K’s book through Torrie’s website and it sounds great.
very ugly i think
general consensus dictates you are wrong, amy.
GREAT picture, Fish. You look beautiful.
Very nice picture!
Is that a Banana Republic shirt? I think I tried the very same one a few days ago. They didn’t have my size in that wine color though, so I had to pass on it. You look great in it!
Amazing. You very look confident in and comfortable with yourself. It’s great when that shows up in a photograph.
Girl, ya look good!
Beautiful.
Great pic!
What happened to stories of the “i’ll have your babies even though you’re not conventionally hot man.”?
Beautiful! I love that shirt, too. A great color (although you know that, right?)
Beautiful
And that color looks gorgeous on you!
Great picture, Heather. And, for the record, the dark hair also looks awesome. Your hairdresser/stylist (ex?) is a loon.
That is a great picture of you – the hair, the shirt…
As a man, though, I couldn’t help
but
look
at
the
rack
!!!
That really is a great picture. Even better, I’m happy you like it!
Wow, in that photo you really truly DO exude a sense of comfort in your own skin (even if you only felt it for that moment).
wow. i think i’m in love!
I have the same problem. I come out looking like **** in every single picture. I think, wow…does that really look like me, because I don’t look like that when I look at myself in the mirror. Anyways, It sux. I hate taking pictures. My sister on the other hand, LOVES and I mean LOVES taking pictures. But she always comes out great!?!
It’s so unfair.
You’d be so much hotter if you looked 47 and had a fat guy on your arm. I guess this is decent though.
(From This Fish: Ohmygod I almost peed in my work chair! HAHAHAAHAH. You’re awesome.)
Great post and what an interesting idea for getting your picture taken.
You look so happy and comfortable.
Torrie, may I ask what kind of camera you use?
How pretty!
I use a Nikon D80 and a Nikon D70. I used the D80 to shoot Heather.
It’s a lovely photo. I bet your mom loves it!
that’s a great picture!
you absolutely glow. you look like you are keeping a special secret, which is a paradox, as you let it all out on your blog. hmmm.
i especially appreciate Michael R.’s waterfall comments above. As a male i did the exact same thing.
funny you didnt directly reply to him.
You look beutiful.
And I do understand. I gained quite a bit of weight starting to years ago and just recently have been able to take some off and now it is starting to make a difference in the way that I look. In the last two years every time I saw a picture of myself I wanted to throw up and cry at the same time. I felt awful about myself. HOW could I have let this happen to me? It really hurt in my heart. A large part of me became that person. I no longer had any confidence.
So seeing a picture of myself for the first time where I think I look sort of pretty and sort of like the old me that once had self confidence made a huge difference.
A good photo makes you almost feel okay about your whole life again.
Looks like this year is turning out to be a pretty good one for ya Fish!
Fish…my .002. The photo is good, but did u notice your two eyebrows don’t look exactly the same. also next time u take a picture, don’t stare directly into the camera, give a slight side look so that uhmmmm….the nose doesn’t look big.
YOU have a big nose, floridagal! geez.
Wow. That photo is just about perfect. The first I noticed is that you have perfect skin. Anyway, in response to that other commenter, I think it’s really weird when i see portraits of people who aren’t looking straight into the camera. it just doesn’t look right.
Woman. You are very pretty. And you are beautiful . And you are cute. And you are bequiling. And you are stunning. You are all of these things, and no ‘good’ photo nor random comment makes or breaks that reality.
You are you. A gorgeous, incredible being.
Know it.
You look absolutely radiant!! I thought you’d be interested to know that MSN has a link to your speed dating piece on it’s main page–way to go!!
Heather, I like you with dark hair!!!
Hello, gorgeous!
Your mom is going to be so very happy at christmas this year!!! I predict she will invite many many folks over to her home and put your picture up where they can’t help but notice it and tell her what a lucky mother she is to have such a lovely and thoughtful daughter.
Wow – 76 comments! I don’t think I will ever reach that level of blog prestige. I had to go topless just to reach 40.
That is a very attractive natural looking picture of you but I enjoyed your writing on Speed Dating even more. It felt real and personal and something we can all relate to in some way.
What ever happened to guy number 39 with the white button-down?
And P.S. To those individuals who posted a mean or thoughtless comments after this women has bared her soul, to you I say “Don’t spit up.” It will come back and land in your eye. Your ugliness proves that something in your heart is so missing that you have to be cruel. Please remember that someone could probably find something about you to critisize and how would that make you feel? For SHAME!
Fish, you look increadible. Replace your blog photo with this one, because this one REALLY makes you shine!
Fish: You look wonderful. The picture is natural and just lovely. Great photographer.
Cat
The only problem I see with this whole situation is that your mom’s Christmas gift is now no longer a suprise.
Gorgeous picture. You hair looks so shiny and gorgeous and healthy, and I echo the others when I say the choice of color on you is great. You look confident and happy and your smile is so genuine and beautiful. What a great idea.
And Torrie-I checked out your link too. You are really, really talented. I love that shot with the red scarf around your head. Great work!
(From This Fish: So true! But we don’t do surprises very well in my family. Besides, there are 40 photos — she can have her pick!)
Thanks Amy!
Holy exfoliation batman! Let’s hear it for microgerbilraisins. You could be a print ad. You know, one of those bigass glossy ones for makeup.
You look gorgeous! Your skin is flawless!
Some don’t feel good until they put someone else down.
Heather, you are a beautiful person, inside and out.
Torrie, you are a great photographer. I’ve spent hours just looking through your album.
Now I have two blogs to keep me from doing my work!
Wow. You look amazing!
I now finally have a face to attach to all these beautiful posts! good for you fish
a great photo like that deserves to be posted all over the place.
After the post, for some reason I expected a sortof artsy aloof pic. How refreshing to see you look right back into the camera with a face of open hearted love. No aloof posturing or too bright of a gaze that really speaks of insecurity.
Great photo & post–thanks for sharing!
Very nice photo!
Beautiful photo! I know what you mean about pictures taken by a pro – it makes such a difference. My friend Brian (who I’ve linked to in my latest post) is an amazing photographer, and I’m usually happy with the photos he ends up with of me.
Good on you for getting this photo shoot done!
You look exactly like how you write…raw and honest. Very unmasked. Great job Torrie (And I read your blog, you’re infanticipating! Congratulations!!!).
Very nice blog, thought I would let you know that it is a great photo and you are your own worst critic. In my adventures to find “single clothing” inspriration… for an Availablewear.com website I am working on… I came across this fun, witty inspirational, and satirical site. I wonder where it and you will be in 5 years?!?! Hmmmmmmmmm.
I usually hate the way I look in pictures as well, especially if I’m not smiling. I don’t think I look like me. The camera never captures what I see in the mirror. The mirror shows me sultry, the camera registers blank. Your friend did an awesome job of capturing you. I think your mom will love it.
Dear Fish…
Your worry about your photo image reminds me that we are all a work in progress, or at least we should be. It took courage to do this for your mother and the best part of this journey is the result – visual and internal. Good for you!
Ciao for now…and Here’s to happy women everywhere!
I own that shirt! Banana, right? So flattering.
You look great!
marvelous, just marvelous
I want on if it will fit over my big fat Prego belly.
you’re beautiful. i’m serious.
H,
You had me before the picture.
One of my roomies accused me of trying to spoil her fun because I wouldn’t let her take random pictures of me. She’s a journalist, and I respect that, but she didn’t understand why I don’t like pictures of myself.
You did.
Thanks.
peace
You are amazingly beautiful. Never doubt yourself because you are truly beautiful and it is apparent from the inside, out. I’m glad you finally got the picture you wanted. It is amazing! Best wishes in the future.
Wow. I’ve taken a lot of photos, and looked over maybe thousands of faces and wow. Real and beautiful.
I know you’re mother will be happy!
-Peter
You have a great smile. I always wished for a great smile. Nice job with the pic!
You look lovely and Torrie’s very talented.
marry me?