At first, I blamed it on the gym. Around 4:00 yesterday, I started fidgeting in my office chair, unable to get comfortable. By the time I made it to the subway, I had a hard time hanging onto the bar. I popped a few Advil, but as the night wore on, my symptoms became much harder to mistake for gym soreness. I was in agony.
“Sounds like you’re longing for Death’s sweet embrace,â€ù Goldner said when we talked later that night.
“Oh, god, am I,â€ù I said, between Lamaze breaths. “Hmm, do you think Death likes to cuddle after?â€ù
“I’m sure it’s of very little comfort, but it seems like you’re keeping a good sense of humor about this.â€ù
Even this afternoon – after a trip to the radiology center and the doctor’s office – I failed to see how the situation could have been funnier. I mean, six days before I’m supposed to leave for a week in the jungle and I’m doubled over in pain, while my kidney is giving birth. To a rock.
Hi-larious! Especially the part where there is no recourse – except to tough it out and hope that the painkillers keep up with your labor pains. Hoo boy, that’s good.
Besides, who gets kidney stones? Dads, that’s who. My dad, Ari’s dad. Probably your dad. Kidney stones are maladies for middle aged dudes with bad diets and paunchy bellies – like herniated discs andâ€_ the gout.
“Jared Leto had the gout,â€ù Ari informed me on the phone just now.
“Well, uh, there you have it.â€ù
I like to think I’m usually wittier with the phone banter, but honestly, I’m a little stoned. Warning me that the next few days were going to be… less than comfortable, Dr. Dea instructed me to use the Vicodin “liberally.â€ù And who am I to argue with doctor’s orders?
The only sweet embrace you need is mine, baby. That’ll make aalllll the pain go away.
Or make it worse. Either way.
Hi Fish,
I can totally relate… having herniated the same disc twice by age 23, I’m now 26 and on back surgery #3. Trying to keep my spirits up (thanks in part to the percoset – and reading your blog always proves an excellent diversion), but I can definitely relate. Hoping you pass the stone quickly, as easily as possible, and before you leave for your trip so you can enjoy Costa Rica to the fullest! Take care, and keep following your doctor’s orders!
Oh wow…feel better!
my dad totally had kidney stones
I hope this makes you feel better, I am 24 and I have had kidney stones twice. The only advice I have is lots of water and make sure you take the vicodin a lot and when the pain starts, otherwise it is harder to control. The only gross part is that vicodin can make you constipated (eeeww! I know, add insult to injury!!) so make sure you take lots of fiber and other things like that, otherwise you will be in a whole lot of other pain too. Good luck~ I hope it passes quickly!!
Oh girl! Can’t the doc laser-zap that thing? A vacation is a terrible thing to waste.
Fingers crossed for you to be better quick!
The drugs are a better alternative to my friend who had to have doctors “snake” something “up in there” and grab the kidney stone and forcibly remove it. And, when it’s over – you will have a new definition of relief.
Sorry you’re suffering – but, it will be a story you’ll share for years to come — like braces and getting your skirt caught in your tights.
Daaaaumn! Kidney stones right before the big trip?!? That bites! But of course, it is always darkest before light, so think of it this way: All the suffering you’re going through right now will just add to the celebration and partying you’ll have later in the sunny islands!
God, I gotta stop reading your blog. I’m a dude! But you’re funny and an inspiration. And did I mention that I’m drunk right now too, which makes reading Stoned all the better. Not that I’m laughing at at you, but sympathetically. Silly flirty bartenders giving me glasses of free wine over dinner. What was she thinking?!?
My first Thanksgiving away from home (second year at Barnard) was spent in the ER with a friend who had kidney stones. Perhaps the alignment of stars over Manhattan around the end of November strikes young women with Dad Diseases like kidney stones and, I don’t know, gout. (I hope you don’t have gout. If you develop gout, feel free to send me hate mail for even mentioning it.)
Hope you feel better and enjoy the good drugs.
Oh, Heather…you poor lamb!!! After reading your posting I wanted to wish you a speedy recovery — and suggest that you have tons of H20 along with the Vicodin. Kate, you were reading my mind!
Honey, heal well and with dispatch … oh, THANK GOD for “better living with chemistry”
Have a fabulous trip.
Oh…so sorry to hear that. Hope you feel better soon.
Feel guilty for not giving you this earlier…
Hope will help others.
so are you still going on holidays?
I had a bout with kidney stones at 27 and I feel your pain…wish I had been given Vicodin. Damn doctors!! LOL Anyway, hang in there…I won’t tell you that the pain of passing the kidney stone is even worse. Nope, not gonna say it!!! Hopefully, it will break up on its own and you’ll be able to have a fabulous vacation!!!
My dad gets kidney stones and the only things that helps him is to drink cranberry juice. His doctor told him it helps break it up faster. Just thought you might like to know. Hope you feel better before your trip!
My goodness… when it rains it pours!!! I hope you feel better soon and atleast you have light at the end of the tunnel… COSTA RICA!!! You must go on the zip line through the rainforest, absolutely incredible!
My roommate in college had kidney stones and the doctor recommended that she drink beer. He said that it was better then water at flushing her out (and made her pee every 5 minutes) and helping the stone pass quicker. Drink up!
Awww man! I’m sorry to hear you’re in such pain! I hope it all clears up before the big excursion! Hang in there…
Careful there Julie, you’ll anger the liver police that patrol this blog
When I wrote the post, I thought about making a joke re: the vicodin and booze. But I was just too high to get it right.
After I had my first baby, at 25, I had to go in for double kidney infection. They decided to do an mri (or cat scan or whatever) on my kidneys just in case. They found about 50 kidney stones just waiting to come out.
Thankfully, I haven’t passed one yet. But I’m really dreading the day…
I am so totally not a doctor, and, thus, I am so totally not giving medical advice. Buttttt… Lithotripsy. Google it. Costa Rica is calling your name, the Rage needs to be fully banished, and this is NOT the time for kidney stones.
I’m so sorry to hear about your stones! The only time I ever saw my dad cry was from kidney stones! Family members have had great success with the zapping with ultrasound waves method. And I know how you love your yogurt but a high intake of calcium can cause the formation of a certain type of kidney stone. Hope they pass soon!
oh my god – my mom once had “the gout” and she would not stop talking about it. i was embarassed because she gave the gory details to my best friend’s dad before i left for the prom.
then this year, my sister was complaining about some supposed gout of her own and i couldn’t help thinking “oh my god, you are so old and you sound just like mom”.
Eek. I watched my sister go through that when she was 16. I wanted to cry for her. Now, though, she seems to think that the worst part was talking to a really hot doctor about her pee.
My sister had kidney stones when she was in her 20s (and my mom and dad i guess i’m the lucky one) just be happy that your kidney didn’t start “giving birth” next week when you didn’t have access to your wonderful doctor and the even more wonderful vicodin
Take care Fish.
Is there anything quite as glamorous as talking about pee? It’s the only thing I’ve cared about for the last 48 hours.
If the Vicodin doesn’t do it, ask ‘em for Demerol.
Hope it passes quickly. We who are not about to die go to Costa Rica salute you!
Wow Fish, you went from fecal matters to pee in less than a day. You poor thing.
My best wishes for your speedy recovery, because I’m thinking a plane trip and a kidney stone wouldn’t make a very good combo. Hope you’re feeling better very very soon.
Ouch! Hope you feel better soon!
I *am* one of those fat, middle-aged men (although: is 34 middle-aged anymore?) and I’ve had two kidney stones which – luckily – I’ve passed in a matter of hours. But my back hurts right now, so maybe my kidneys are reacting to the suggestion from reading this blog.
I also have the fat n’ lazy guy’s other malady, gall stones, and went to the hospital when I first felt the pain (and didn’t know what it was. I was thinking stomach cancer). They gave me demerol and that was one of the few times in my life I have ever been high (all of which have occurred in hospital settings). At one point everything my friend had just said to me flashed out of my brain – and I realized it. It was totally bizarre because I suddeny understood what everyone was talking about and making fun of with pot smokers.
Also: I saw an ad on my local TV station (WRC4 in D.C.) about iVillage Tv – any idea what that’s about?
Don’t be born to parents with kidney stones. A person with a family history of kidney stones may be more likely to develop them, according to the National institutes of Health (NIH). Some diseases, including urinary tract infections, are also linked to stone formation.
Men are more likely to get them than women, and most people get them in middle age, but that’s not a guarantee against problems in the 20s. Once you get them, they’re likely to recur.
So drink lots of water and avoid long plane trips … or something.
Take the pain you are having, but now imagine that you are 19, living in the dorms, 1600 miles away from your parents, 1000 away from any family… having to knock on the RA’s door and say “I need to go to the hospital, now.” After having heaved bile into a (basically) public toilet for 5 minutes. You can’t decide if the urge to pee or puke is more urgent (it’s the puke, because you don’t actually have to pee). Being in the ER, in the worse pain of your life, but placing it at an 8 because, while you have currently never experienced anything worse than this, you can imagine worse pains. Proceed to be poked and prodded for the next 6 hours by doctor’s who keep giving you this eye (I swear, I have insurance, but I did not check to make sure I had the card!). The night before an exam.
I had kidney stones at 19 and my friend had hers at 17. Water is now my best friend.
Oh no! This heartily sucks, and I am sorry. But the more horror stories you read about kidney stones, the more you should be convinced that yours will be SO MUCH EASIER to deal with than anyone else’s. Law of averages.
Been there – done that. The best part is being able to top people by saying “oh yeah? Well I passed a kidney stone” when the subject at hand is most painful experiences. Have a safe trip…
I salute your “highness” If I could I’d send you a blacklight, some of those funky poster, and a copy of The Cronic by Dr. Dre.
Oh Fish!
I’ve been there, I have, but I managed to pass mine in a day. Don’t ask why, they didn’t know, we thought it was an ovarian cyst or something at first. It was the worst pain of my life, I wanted to die. But you know what? When it was gone, so was the pain pretty much. By the time my friend came to get me to take me back on the train and home to go to the Dr. I was all better. Over that quick. I hope yours will be too. If it goes like that, you’ll be laughing about all this by the time you leave for Costa Rica!
Sincerely hope it goes that way. Long live Vicodin! When I had mine, that wasn’t even around. Yes. Old.
heather’s gonna pee rocks
heather’s gonna pee rocks
nah nah nah nah nah nah
heather’s gonna pee rocks.
i’m sorry. it’s really not that funny. but at least you got drugs out of it. wish i knew someone with a hook-up like that. oh wait…
My Dad (yes, my Dad) had two kidney stones simultaneously this summer and he has yet to pass one of them. (!) He keeps a little packet of painkillers in his shirt pocket in case it starts to move South again. He got diagnosed two days before a cruise (before he even passed stone #1)- but he still had a lot of fun. So I wouldn’t worry about your upcoming vacation, because you obviously can’t let a fifty-year old man outdo your ability to sass a kidney stone.
I completely understand. Both my mum and dad have passed kidney stones. In fact, my mum has passed over 5 I would say and sustained a pretty horrid kidney surgery. But, hang on don’t dispair and go for the cranberry cocktail when you pass that baby.
Love
Ugh if only we could rid the world of kidney stones. I passed my first one right before I turned eighteen and then passed ANOTHER ONE a couple weeks ago! Apparently I am really awesome at producing them, because there are a few left in me. Glad you pulled through it okay… at least it’s good blogging material :-\
I am officially calling you my soul sister.
I am supposed to leave for a trip to Hawaii, in 24 hours, but of course 24 hours before I go anywhere, what I thought was an ulcer is a kidney stone.
pass the vicodin. please. the only place im staying is in bed.
Wow twice in one day. Not to worry, the stones will be gone in time for the jungle. I have had 5 stones over the years, and I am in fairly good shape for a 52 year old, so it must be the diet. My first one, I had to be driven to the hospital by my ex, I was in the fetal position, and had to crawl down the stairs to the car. Two good size orderlies had to carry me from the car to the ER. Go ahead and enjoy the time on vicodin hell bring on the percocet, no problem, flow with it.
Well, I’ve only just come across your blog thanks to a link off MSN (“5 dating resolutions for 2007″ — educational reading; thanks.)
((I’m a guy, btw!))
Obviously, by *now*, it’s all done and over with but, for the benefit (hopefully) of any future “stoned” (and as others have mentioned), WATER is definitely a great way to go.
What you WON’T like about the advice is this: the water you drink should preferably be HOT (like tea).
Hot water doesn’t taste too pleasant, but we all know from “basic science class” that hot liquid is better at dissolving stuff than cold liquid.
The “beer” idea.. sounds a bit odd to me, but what do I know? =) The fact that it may make you pee more.. is probably a good thing.. Running near-water past potentially dangerous kidney stones is bound to “wear them down”.. so they hopefully become “smaller” kidney stones!
(Let’s not get TOO detailed about “pee”, but I’m sure all have realized by now.. the more you drink, the less “yellow” it is i.e. the more “water” it is..!)
I do love plays on words.