April 06, 2005

i love it when a plan comes together

I’ve always been a little bit in love with MacGyver.

Not Richard Dean Anderson, mind you, but MacGyver. Brilliant-under-pressure, always saves the day Angus MacGyver. I know. It should be impossible to love someone named Angus. But what that man can do with a strip of duct tape and a Bick pen makes me hot in ways even the queerest of names could not cool. It’s the same sort of rowrrr that makes up for a name like Meriwether.

Last night, Rachel and I went to see a screening of Sahara. Adventure, intrigue, biceps, green eyes and the whitest smile you have ever seen on a rogue treasure-hunter who solves impossible problems right in the nick of time all the while rocking out to Sweet Home Alabama. A side kick, a love interest and an Admiral with a cigar.

It was Indiana Jones meets The A-Team set to the Forest Gump soundtrack.

And it should have been hot. But it wasn’t. It was silly. (Okay, a little hot. But Matthew McConaughey could make basement-dwelling D&D playing hot). Here was my biggest problem with the film: Aside from the fact that Penelope Cruz makes the least convincing ass-kicking heroine since…well, ever, every time our heroes got in a fix, they then got out of that fix magically. Not cleverly or practically. Just magically. One minute, they’re stranded on a sand dune and the next, sailing across the desert on the carcass of an old plane wreck. I nearly (and only nearly) let Matthew’s drool-inspiring biceps distract me from realizing that the whole thing made no sense. I mean, even MacGyver pulled a flaky save every now and again, but at least he went to the effort of convincing us that there was some measure of probability.

What was even more amusing, was that this guy sat next to us taking notes. Notes? I mean, I know he’s probably got to draft up a review or something, but what kind of notes could he have been taking?

Who does McConaughey’s teeth? Make appointment.

Aside from being completely ridiculous, Sahara was fun and worth sitting still for two hours. I’m serious about the teeth. They were like those glow-sticks at DisneyLand.

Posted by This Fish at April 6, 2005 12:35 PM

i do have to say how proud i am of penelope for expanding her range. when she dons the requisite scientist glasses, i am overwhelmed by how intelligent she seems. i expect this performance will earn her the starring role in 'a beautiful mind, too'.

Posted by: brando at April 6, 2005 12:51 PM

I'm having such a hard time believing Kurt Loder has been relegated to movie reviews...but now that you mention it, I haven't seen him on TV much...and, in case you're home with nothing to do some day soon, MacGyver is in reruns on both TVLand and Spike TV...I'm just saying...

Posted by: Jason at April 6, 2005 12:52 PM

i hate penelope cruz. i think she is a mediocre actress and she's not that attractive to me. of course, she hooks up with almost every man she co-stars with at least for a little while.... so there's got to be something about her.

maybe i'm just jealous because she and matthew mchottie, my favorite eye candy in hollywood, are together.

Posted by: red at April 6, 2005 01:05 PM

Oh Fish...the "Who does McConaughey’s teeth? Make appointment" line killed me. You've got some great lines :)

Maybe they should have asked Selma Hayek rather than Penelope Cruz? I bet she kicks better ass and she's waaay better looking than Penelope.

Posted by: MsOktober at April 6, 2005 01:19 PM

Basement D&D is hot if you play it like we do.

Move to Paris, France.

Get a game group together with at least three women.

Always base the munchies on wine, bread, cheese, various dips and little veggies.

Let word-of-mouth run its course, and beat them off with a stick, laughing all the way to the Lizard Lounge for the post-game White Russian...

Posted by: Mathieu at April 6, 2005 01:22 PM

I love Clive Cussler's books, and I'm eager to see Sahara since it's one of my favorites of his. But I've always had the same feeling that it's just these series of impossible situations where Dirk Pitt tends to turn into some kind of Superman to get out of... that's the only thing that rubs me the wrong way.

Then again, not like everything else I read is grounded in reality either.

Posted by: Keith at April 6, 2005 01:59 PM


Posted by: PLD at April 6, 2005 02:06 PM

I stopped reading Clive Cussler's books when he stopped writing them. Up to that point they were great reads for fiction. Cussler sold the movie rights to Raise The Titanic and the movie butchered the story so badly that it was 20+ years before he'd let them make another one. I'll probably go see this out of morbid curiousity.

Posted by: ccs178 (Chris) at April 6, 2005 02:23 PM

The only reason that this movie was worthwhile for me was because I was able to see it as a sort of "premier" here in Austin,TX where Matthew was in attendance. Yum. He is as gorgeous off screen as on screen. The Austin Film Society also gifted him with a set of Bongos in honor of his "naked bongo playing" arrest. His learned lesson from that experience was "keep your windows closed".

Posted by: Jen at April 6, 2005 02:24 PM

It can't be more ridiculous than "Reign of Fire" --even Matthews presence didn't console me for losing those 2 hours of my life.

Posted by: akaellen at April 6, 2005 03:18 PM

Impossible to love someone named Angus? You mean that Colonel Angus sketch on SNL was all for naught?

Posted by: Gopi at April 6, 2005 04:12 PM

MacGyver -is- awesome. I remember, back in the day, reading that all of his tricks were tested by students at CalTech. Don't know if it's true, but I like to hold on to that idea, 'cause it makes him kick ass even more.

Posted by: shokufeh at April 6, 2005 04:47 PM

Don't you think he was abnormally tan in the movie too? I saw a special screening of it in Austin. The best part was that Matthew was there too.

Posted by: Kristin at April 6, 2005 04:48 PM

Yeah, MacGyver was cool. I wonder if any of the "duct tape and Bick pen" experiments he performed were backed by scientific fact. :p

Posted by: Milly at April 6, 2005 04:55 PM

I lost you at the first mention of Matthew McConauhey. He is first on my "guys that its ok to do in a commited relationship" list. sigh*

Posted by: Jasika at April 6, 2005 06:09 PM

When the heroine first meets Dirk Pitt in the book she muses "his voice was like finely aged whiskey rippling over gravel". Hahahahaha! How Days-of-Our-Lives! Sounds to me like the movie has the same degree of cheesiness. ;D

Posted by: Nic at April 6, 2005 06:21 PM

I heard that MacGyver's endeavors were always based in science, but typically missing some scientific details--for example, instead of 1 Hershey's bar, you would need 200 to get the chemical reaction he was trying for--partially because it made life easier for the writers and partially so kids at home didn't blow themselves us.

But if you like MacGyver, you should visit his ultimate fan's site: www.megwood.com

Posted by: Angie at April 6, 2005 06:33 PM

Fish, stay away from our man.

Posted by: Patti and Selma at April 6, 2005 07:23 PM

I endorse any blog post that makes an A-Team reference, and then quotes Colonel Hannibal in the title. I dub thee "best person on the planet".

Posted by: Mike at April 7, 2005 09:17 AM

McConaughey is beautiful. That is all.

Posted by: Kassi at April 7, 2005 09:57 AM

Hmmm... I wonder if i would even have considered to go see that movie.. somethin in " mathew mcconaughey + penelope cruz + adventure + sahara" just doesn't fit! I don't even want to ask about the storyline!
On the other hand went to see SAW a few few weeks ago. A great surprise: both visually and plot twisting wise, and the characters in that movie, well, they REALLY needed a mcgyver!

Posted by: chaton at April 7, 2005 10:24 AM

It is true that Penelope Cruz has played some less than stellar roles since coming to Hollywood, but I disagree with Red's comments about her being a mediocre actress. She was great in Spanish film classics like BELLE EPOQUE, JAMON JAMON and ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER. Perhaps she just needs to overcome a language barrier and/or stop hooking up with her Hollywood costars?

Posted by: Mary at April 7, 2005 11:29 AM

it's pretty common for journalists to take notes on what they're going to write about. i'd rather have them do that than make stuff up.

Posted by: maureen at April 7, 2005 01:04 PM

Loder loves doing the movie reviews - he does them for the place where he-who-I-will-not-name and Goldie work. He was emailing me about Fever Pitch over the weekend, doesn't understand that as a Yank fan I will never EVER see that film.

Posted by: tanya at April 7, 2005 01:19 PM


Even bloggers take notes about what they're going to write. Forget journalists. BUT I do believe my point was: What is complex enough about this film that REQUIRES notes?

Posted by: Fish at April 7, 2005 01:28 PM

Oh Fish, I do so hate to disagree. But:

Penelope Cruz makes the least convincing ass-kicking heroine since…well, ever...

Two words: Tara Reid. Four more words: Alone in the Dark. Yes, I'm afraid I did, and I don't think I'll ever forget it, and not in the good way. But it's a handy benchmark for any worst-of category that might come up.

Posted by: Linus at April 7, 2005 01:45 PM

I used to work for a now-defunct indie CD store. The owner looked like kurt loder ... kurt loder as a midlife crisis, too much ice cream, father of two. he was nice though. but we still thought he looked like kurt loder. it was weird.

Posted by: jessica at April 10, 2005 01:16 AM

There is something about Matthew McConaghay that leaves me coldy cold cold. Bleh.

Posted by: AdventureGirl at April 11, 2005 05:00 PM