I emptied the hall closet and the bottom drawer of my dresser, tossing miscellaneous items of clothing onto the bed. Ball gown. Barbie pink stilettos. Elbow-length satin gloves. Leather corset. White pleather go-go boots.
And then, I stared at them all for a good long time. If I had a fairy godmother, this would be a cinch. My pile of clothes, a few mice, some fancy wand-wavin’ and not only would I have one kick-ass Halloween costume, I’d probably have myself a prince and a sweet little summer place on the French Riviera.
Yeah, yeah. Skip the song, lady and get to the good part.
When inspiration failed to strike (and the chubby lady with the wand failed to show), I turned to the only other magic I had available. The innernet. A few minutes after I logged on to scour costume sites, a google chat window chirped at me.
Stan: I kind of just made a costume. Tell me how much it sucks.
Me: Okay. I’m trying to figure out one right now. Suggestions?
Stan: It’s made out of cardboard. And well, essentially it’s a kissing booth.
Me: Ha! I love it.
Stan: I’m out of ideas now.
Me: Aw, come on! I can’t think of a costume, and I can’t go without one. Ooooh, the quandary.
Stan: I was also thinking of going as “slutty myself.”
Me: Hee! I was just thinking I should attempt “slutty pirate” or “slutty pirate zombie.”
Stan: Add a nurse. And a cat.
Me: Man, this is not easy. How do pirates wear their hair?
Stan: Well first of all, there are no girl pirates.
Me: There are now. Listen, I own a leather corset, and I’m trying to make do.
Stan: Here’s an idea: leather corset… and no other clothes. DONE AND DONE!
Me: Awesome, Stan. You’ve been very helpful.
Stan: Yeah, I’m good with ideas for girls’ costumes.
Awwww,….now you’re going to get a bunch of nasty emails from the anti-fun crowd!
You’re probably right.
Next year I’m going as the Virgin Mary, so that oughta get ‘em all riled up.
A pirate’s wench would be easy, since you’ve already got the leather corset. All you need now is a white blouse, preferably a peasant blouse under the corset, a black peasant skirt, a red bandana on the head and hoop earrings and voila, DONE! If you’re not feeling wench-y, you could be a gypsy. Ooh, the makeup possiblities are so exciting!
Oh, if only I hadn’t tossed my red, snakeskin, pleather corset!!!! I could have been a wench any time my little heart desired. CURSES! Note to self, NEVER throw anything out. You never know when you’re going to need it again.
Not to sound mean, but WHY would anyone toss out a perfectly fine red, snakeskin pleather corset?!! One never knows when that might come in handy! (I may be older, but I am wiser, too!)
;D
…and the Virgin Mary better have a little Mary Magdelene get-up underneath for when the party gets going,….
kissing booth is clever. Have fun!
You have to take photos!
My neighbor did her hair like Popeye’s girlfriend, and dressed all in white head to toe. She was…(wait for it)–Extra Virgin Olive Oil.
A sexy pirate wench sounds great, as does a kissing booth! I was a belly dancer this year.
*shimmy shimmy*
Pregnant, chain-smoking, white-trash Virgin Mary, I hope. Our blessed lady of the Trailer Park.
Costumes for women are easy. Just put the word slutty in front of anything and voila! Slutty accountant, slutty nurse, slutty blogger, too easy for all of you! I was a highly irreverant and possibly damning halloweenie dressed up as a jewish carpenter.
Yup, I was Jesus. Crown of thorns, overalls, long Jesus hair, complete with remnants of the cross nailed to my wrists after I had broken free. Blood on the wrists and feet included. Yes, I know. If I believed in hell I would surely be on the express train.
Fish, I was in NYC for dinner last night, looked around for you but didn’t see you. Next time.
My roommate was a slutty pirate this Halloween. It’s a cute costume, but let me tell you, she actually took the pleather (if it’s even real pleather) vest to a TAILOR to have it ALTERED. Some people, man…
One of my favorite costumes may sound odd, but… one year I took a white sheet and wrapped myself in it as a column dress. I painted my hair and face blue and put blue letters on the bottom of the dress. EPT. I was a positive pregnancy test! As a 40 yr old single woman(with grown kids), that is the scariest thing I can think of!
I chickened out with the costume I planned on this year, but fish–you could wear it proudly!
*Black slip (and I know you have one–MY mormon mom made sure I never left for church not wearing one)
*Name tag– My name is FREUD ANN
**You’re the perfect Freudian slip!
I like the new picture. It’s a nice picture of you and you can actually see your face. Hope you have a great Halloween.
wrap yourself in tin foil and go as a baked potato.
then again, it sounds like you had all the makings for a “pick-an-incarnation Madonna costume” at your disposal.
(From This Fish: TOTALLY, but I realized I’d have had to tear my gown or ruin it in some way to be authentic. And I just couldn’t. Mama’s not made of money.)
I’m getting slutty fairy princess from your selection. Corset over ball gown? Maybe it’s just me.
“Pregnant, chain-smoking, white-trash Virgin Mary, I hope. Our blessed lady of the Trailer Park.”
I think I just snorted a little.
No girl pirates? Well, maybe Stan’s right if he wants to get all technical. But pirates do a-love their wenches — and I know that my wench costume remains my favorite. Arrr!
Ann Bonny and Mary Reid- two very real chick pirates.
There are too girl pirates!
http://www.pirate-women.com/
I highly recommend the book that goes with the site.
Loretta is brilliant. The opporutnity to dress as a positive preg test stick may just inspire me to throw a Halloween party next year.
As a high school counselor I decided to dress up for work…stayed in the respectable mode, but went with a ‘fallen angel’…which as the traditional good girl faculty member of the school, I got a few laughs. It’s amazing what you can do with lots of black clothing, dark makeup, black wings and a black halo!
http://media.orkut.com/articles/0593.html
Reminded me of what I’d read here.
slutty pirate? i love it! and the ept test. myself, i tried going as a fine upstanding individual, only to realise i didn’t have the skills to pull it off. maybe next year.
Screw the slutty pirate, be a hot pocket
(From This Fish
LEASE use HTML tags for links. )
My roomate was a rubiks cube with interchangeable velcro cubes. The best part was boys could right their #’s on the squares.
I was a “Slutty Pirate” and that’s exactly what I called it- unless in mixed company…
Then I was just a “Scantily Clad Pirate.”
Why are pirates called pirates? No reason, they just Arrrr!
Went to a large party sponsored by two locals bars. What is with the slutty female costume trend? One chick showed up as Mother Nature, which was basically a string bikini with some ivy glued on it. (This was in 45-degree weather, at an outdoor party, mind you.) Another chick came wearing a box wrapped like a b-day present, and her date had a pointy party hat on. Chick proceeds to get drunk and show what she is wearing under the box — a little curling ribbon (on the bottom) and a very thin feather boa (on the top). Period. Basically, she walked around naked in a box. (Again, it was 45 degrees!) I could go on. Maybe I am just getting too old, but what the hell is it with Halloween becoming Sluts on Parade? Where’s the scary, the smart, the funny, the political? It was all just slutty. I was disappointed.
I would have read the rest of the comments but I had to go Google “leather corset”… AAARRRRRR!! indeed.
Halloween is the one time of year when women can wear corsets and see thru tops and schoolgirl outfits without worrying if they look slutty. Then, when they realize that every other girl had the same idea they wished they were more creative.
This will probably offend…
An outrageous costume I heard about was descrobed to me as someone dressed as a deadman with bloody from gunshot shirt with bunches of seaweed hanging from him. Oh yeah, most important is that he was in a wheelchair… He was Leon Klinghoffer…
I’m still equally mortified/ammused by the description even now..
It’s been said already, but there were pirate women. So Stan was wrong. They might have been slutty pirates too, because I know the ones mentioned above, both got to wait out their death sentences because they were pregnant.
I heard of another one from a friend who’s going to try it next year – He’ll take a frying pan and attached it to his crotch – and go as Peter Pan. Classic!