First trip, first fight: they’re the hallmarks everyone tells you will define your sparkly new relationship. The You Can’t Possibly Know Your Mate Until… definitive. When the Dork Lord and I were a month or two into dating, my hairdresser, whose first trip anywhere was with her husband on their (stressful) cruise ship wedding, asked if we’d taken our first vacation together. We hadn’t. But it wasn’t something I was worried about. And Stephanie – whose battles with her equally stubborn partner are an integral part of their fiery dynamic – didn’t ask if we’d had a fight, she insisted we needed to have one.
“I just know that you don’t really know who someone is until the shit comes down.”
I wasn’t sure I agreed.
Of fights, we’ve had two arguments that I can recall. Did shit come down? Oh, I don’t know. There were tears (I pretty much cry any time I’m frustrated or hurt. Or watching scary movies or reading stories about baby animals. So, it’s not really an excellent indicator) and apologies. But no yelling. Never any yelling. We do have disagreements from time to time that lead one of us to declare, “We’re in a fight.” and the other to make a fart joke. It works for us.
Of trips, we’ve been to the Ranch for a weekend of total relaxation and zero responsibility. I packed the snacks. He drove. We made out a whole bunch. I’m not sure that it really counted as a vacation, and so this weekend will be our first. We leave on Thursday for a long weekend in Utah to celebrate my sisters’ BYU graduations. There are connecting flights and family accommodations involved. It could get sticky. But! But I’ve already learned some pretty important Dork Lord characteristics that will (hopefully) make this experience low on stress. For instance, I know to tell the Boy that we need to be somewhere (the airport, graduation, dinner) a good thirty minutes before we’re actually expected to show up. See? Prepared.
I’ve also laid the groundwork for the first meeting he’ll have with my dad.
“Has he ever met any of your boyfriends before?”
“In high school. But since then I’ve always lived far, far away.”
“What’s he going to think?”
“He’s going to think that he loves his daughter something crazy and if this guy makes his daughter happy, then he’s happy, too.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
He looked so relieved, I went ahead and left out the part about my dad sleeping with a firearm under his pillow and occasionally hearing voices. And as for meeting my grandparents?
“Just tell them how much you love golf. Maybe they’ll put me back in the will.”
I say, paint a room together, or embark on a project that requires cooperation and a certain level of quality. You get a feel for the patience level of your partner, and can see how well they roll with it when things don’t always go right.
I see SK’s point, I really do. But at the same time – I think if you’ve spent a lot of time together (vacationed together, met each others families, been in stressful situations together, etc) and you’re still not fighting, you’re fine.
My BF and I don’t fight. We just don’t. We’re not fighters and we rarely argue. Sure there are spats over his tendency to not put the seat down and I get overly emotional when my mother is in town – but we talk through it or we say “It annoys me when you A B and/or C.” I’m also a firm believer in the please and thank you.
This isn’t to say our relationship is perfect – it isn’t. And I know plenty of women (some of them even friends) who get off on fighting with their guys. I don’t get it and couldn’t live that way, but for them, it’s some sort of freaky foreplay. I know some guys like this too – they live for and in the drama – and are happy doing so. There’s no red flag around no fighting. Just consider yourself as having highly evolved communication skills
Sounds like an interesting weekend lies ahead! Good luck! Safe travels! Hope ya have lots of fun!
Or moving. God. Moving. Carrying box after box up/dpwn flight after flight of stairs… the exhaustion combined with the pressure not damage/lose your stuff, is a real test of patience. Yeah, me and the BF failed that one.
My husband is typically not aware of our fights – a technique I would recommend very highly. He works almost every Saturday morning. I spend almost every Saturday morning cleaning our apartment (where at least 90% of the mess is his). It makes me insane. So I rant about “how lazy a human being has to be to just drop the empty toilet paper roll on the floor on the right side of the toilet, when the garbage pail is just to the left side of the toilet” or “how I have to act like I won the lottery when he actually empties the dish washer once a month” or “how difficult could it possibly be to just put your dirty clothes in the hamper”. By the time he gets home, I’m over it and we have a pleasant Saturday evening together, but lord his ears must burn all morning.
How you work through disagreements is supposed to be one of the best indicators of long-term success. Do you listen? Do you both let the other win? Do you try to inject humor into the situation? Then you might be OK.
I heard it on This American Life so it must be true.
Good luck!
I say canoe down a remote river in Alaska. Camping may or maynot need to be included. That is a true test of any relationship.
Good luck… I’ve almost ended friendships after first traveling together.
Just be patient, hold his hand when meeting the fam, and don’t go too far away from him in case he needs a quick “out”
It’s funny that you mention painting, Neil. The Boy? He is soooo averse to painting. HATES it. In fact, when I mentioned painting “accent walls” in the new apartment he wanted nothing to do with it until he realized, hey, I want one of those in my office!
We’ve hung curtains, moved furniture, organized a garage – I’d say we’ve passed the cooperation test.
I think fighting is overrated. My husband and I have never had a real fight. We disagree from time to time, but we do it nicely. We’ve traveled, had two children, bought and sold houses and moved more times than I care to remember.
Actually the real test is those paddleboat thingys.
In my life, family does not equal vacation.
See, no fight is complete without three vital ingredients. yelling. Tears. And make-up sex.
And for a real test of a holiday? Try something like a kayaking trip. Something that needs cooperation and co-ordination. Or, to really, really test his patience and pain threshold, a shopping holiday in Bangkok. If you are still together after that, it’s the real thing.
Some people are just fighters and some aren’t. Me and my boy, most definitely fall in the “you are annoying me please stop, thank you”. While my bro and his girl are yellers, we do not understand how the other survives, but it works for us.
Good luck, Fish. My Dude just met the various collection of neuroses that make up My Parents.
P.S. Don’t know if you’ve heard, but Utah’s going to be canning the whole PRIVATE CLUB FOR MEMBERS dealio this summer. Mazel Tov! RIeffingP another silly liquor law. One down, too many ultra-conservative restrictions to go.
Someone once said the same thing to me – that the test of a relationship is about how you resolve conflict. I completely understand that, however, I am not a fighter & have never enjoyed drama. And neither does my boyfriend. We’ve been together for 5 years & I can’t remember either of us ever raising our voices. We certainly get annoyed with each other & have disagreed on both small & major issues but we’re not the type to actually fight. So if you & the Dork Lord don’t scream & yell & throw major appliances at each other maybe that’s just how you resolve your conflicts.
Good luck with the family outing.
Just make sure they don’t go hunting together.
According to the research (John Gottman, NOT John Gray of men are from mars fame) what matters most is that you have 5 positives to every one negative. There are 3 healthy types of relationships Avoiding (kinda obvious), Validating (listen to each other), and Volatile (fight alot), but these all keep the 5:1 ratio. The only thing that spells doom and gloom are criticism, contempt, and stonewalling.
(John Gottman has studied LOTS of healthy and non healthy relationships over LOTS of years – trust him more than you would a therapist who has been divorced a lot and only writes about the few couples he sees).
HEATHER – you guys sound just fine and I hope you have a good time.
Ahh… I remember the days of meeting the parents. Who, incidentally, also live in Utah (Tooele to be exact). So I feel yours, or your boyfriend’s, pain. Good luck!
Hello – I haven’t been here in a couple of years & I just spent the evening catching up. I feel a bit like a lazy stalker.
I think I originally found you after googled Heather Hunter (my name – I’m older – I have dibs) and read the blog, and I laughed & Laughed!
I’m glad you’re still here & I’ll try & keep up. I joined the facebook fan page & it will be easier to creep you there! ha ha – really.
take care & stay funny,
heather hunter-macmillan