I knew it was meant to be a small wedding, so when I didn’t get an invitation, I wasn’t offended. I swear I wasn’t. Especially since, if I could get away with it, I’d invite nobody at all to my own, save someone who was legally permitted to sign the necessary paperwork. But when Jen-the-Bride called me at work on Thursday afternoon, all that offense I’d been saving up started pouring right out of me, like at the end of Beauty and the Beast when the latter character shoots light out of his fingers and toes and turns into a really girly looking prince. That was me. Only with bad feelings. Toward my mailman.
“We wondered why we hadn’t heard from you,” she said, laughing. “It took over a month for the invitation to get back to us.”
Hoo boy, was I ticked. It’s one thing not to be invited, but quite another if the mailman does the un-inviting. A few more days of postal nonsense and I’d have missed the happy occasion altogether. And I’d done the footwork, dammit. I’d gone online and filled out the change of address form and paid the United States Postal Service a whole dollar to process it. But, now that I thought of it, I hadn’t received a single piece of mail since moving in with the Boy.
“There’s a little slip of paper in the bottom of my mailbox,” Jen said. “If your name’s not on it, the mailman won’t leave your mail. At least, that’s what happens at my apartment complex.”
“But! The dollar! And… and the change of address form! Don’t they mean anything?”
She laughed again. “Guess not.”
And what do you know, she was right. After I took a sharpie and added my name to that magical scrap of paper, I became a legitimate, mail-receiving persona non non grata. Food & Wine magazine! A check from Cafe Press! Junk mail! I was so happy to see a tree-killing mailer from Geico, I can’t even tell you. I was even happier that our apartment folks saw fit to park a large garbage can next to the mailboxes for just such happy mailings.
Wow, really? Now I’m gonna have to go and check my mailbox and see if my name’s really there or not. Imagine all the ads for a new mortgage I’ve been missing out on!
I hate that, if it’s a valid address, just drop the mail there. Silly, really.
I just had to comment on your comment that if you could get away with not inviting anyone to your wedding, you would. I’m getting married in January and I feel EXACTLY that way. I know I’ll be happy that people came, and I would hate to break my mom’s heart by not inviting her, but my secret fantasy is to dash down to the courthouse and then disappear to a nice climate for a week. So we’re compromising and having a destination wedding. Anyway, if you can pull off the secret elopement, you’ll officially be my hero
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The mailman can’t deliver mail unless your name is on the box for legal reasons.
It’s a federal crime for mail intended for one person to go to another and while I don’t know if you can sue the mailman for someone opening your mail the USPS probably implemented the rule to minimize potential complications. Particularly with apartments where people move in and out quite often.
I have paid the whole dollar too before as a renter and have had to wait for my mail. Conversely, as a home owner now I can’t seem to get them to stop delivering it.
I completely understand the no people wedding desire. After having been to very many with too many people I have always thought if I were to get married it will be quietly, at the courthouse. Hey, you can always feed people later.
With you on the wedding shenanigans.
Am I correct in assuming your check from iVillage was delivered soon after you added your name?
No ma’am. I don’t get a check from them. Direct deposit going on 4 years now.
haha, that’s funny. Our postman said once we changed our name on the little list we’d stop getting all the crap from the last people that lived here – TWO YEARS AGO. And we still get stuff to this day with their name on it. Stuff for our landlord gets delivered to us too.
It’d be nice if they paid attention to the paper…
so when does this blog get changed to This Fish Got a Bicycle?
Hey girl I love your blogs. Anyways my hubby delivers mail, and the reason u fill out a change of address form is so your mail knows where to go when it gets to the main post office where you are before it gets sent to your local post office. They put your new and old address in the computer and when the machine scans your mail, it “knows” it has to forward your mail to your new address. The yellow paper in your mailbox is for your mailperson so he knows who’s living there and who isn’t. And believe me, your mailman, if he’s your regular, knows EVERYTHING about you! Who else delivers your pregnancy and baby magazines if you discover youre pregnant? They see the letters come in from attorneys if you’re getting sued, or who keeps jumping from house to house, whose sleeping with whose hubby or wife. Its pretty funny how alot of people don’t give mailmen the credit they deserve. Of course, some of them suck too, and the USPS is known for its, um, losses.
Just because you now HAVE a bicycle doesn’t mean you don’t NEED one (you can NEED the one you’ve got
Glad you’re back Fish cause I can’t access Facebook @ work and mostly too tired of being on a computer all day to log in after I get home. I really enjoy your funny and eloquent take on life – they always brighten my day.
Interesting… do you actually throw the “tree-killing mailer from Geico” into the trash can?
With very few exceptions, there are no recycling receptacles available for apartment complexes in Dallas. So, into the trash it goes.
argh! I’ve done that before too and was so frustrated that it didn’t work.
this is so not true (and i mean that the post office is lying, not you.) i get crappy junk mail for other people ALL THE TIME. so obviously the post office CAN leave stuff for names not on the mailbox, they just don’t. because they suck.
thank you for letting me leave this rant.
I thought you were “back?!”