We’re going to the Ranch this weekend for some R&R (and maybe a little poker) and I can’t help feeling like this little trip is in everyone’s best interest. And I do mean everyone. The people I drive on the freeway next to (I think I sprained my middle finger yesterday giving someone a very well deserved and enthusiastic bird), my coworkers, my sweet boyfriend. Every one. Even you. Surely it has not required much reading between the lines to get the vibe that I’m frazzled and anxious lately. I know that talking about these sorts of things helps, so I’ve tried to run my yapper as much as possible. But I’m not really sleeping. So a trip to the doc is also on the menu. But I’m reserving a tiny bit of hope that maybe some good old fashioned not doing jack shit will help me uncurl my toes, if just for a day or two.
When I was a kid, money was tight. It wasn’t tight in the way it’s tight for me now, where my bi-weekly cushion of $38 makes spontaneous purchases a rare and stomach knotting experience. I’m pretty sure back then, there wasn’t such thing as a cushion. I remember seeing my mom cry when I grew out of my school shoes. I also remember what she was like then. Tight lipped and tense. That’s not the version of me I want to be. But yet, as the Dork Lord and I have discussion after discussion about money, and salaries are getting cut (thanks, economy!), and it seems that no matter how hard I try, catching a break is simply not in the cards for me, I’ve been playing that version of myself and worse.
It isn’t that I want things and not being able to have them makes me pouty. I don’t want things. I want to be out of debt. Realizing that I may never get there, and how much of that is my fault, well, spending money at all has become very, very hard for me. Going to the grocery store gives me anxiety. And I try so hard to hide it. I do. Because I know the Boy senses it and that in turn, it stresses him out to know I’m upset.
I suspect that the recession has made a lot of people feel this way – strung out and desperate. I also suspect (with a side order of hoping) that it will pass. May it pass soon. Because there’s a version of me that laughs loud and means it. And I kind of miss her.
Things will get better! I firmly believe when it comes to money if you are focused and diligent then things will, eventually, get better.
But until then try compartmentalizing. I know this sounds near impossible when even grocery shopping gives you anxiety. Just sometimes, maybe it is only for a few hours a week, really work to put your money troubles out of your mind. It would be sad to look back on these times with the Dork Lord, before marriage and kids, and only be able to remember your money troubles.
Hang in there!
Not knowing exactly how much debt you have, this may or may not be an avenue you might want to consider, but in the two and a half years I was on a debt management program through credit counseling, I was able to reduce my credit card debt from $36,000 to $19,000. I still have a way to go before becoming debt free, but the DMP helped and didn’t ruin my credit. They do require that you close all your credit cards and significantly reduce your interest rates. It’s not for everyone since the monthly payment is calculated so you pay off your debt in five years.
i totally understand how you feel. by the end of every week i’m down to my last dollar and wondering where the money went and why i’m still in debt. and i dont BUY anything. hang in there, one day we’ll make it!
Oh Honey! I’ve been there too. It takes forever to pay off debt, but it does happen if you stay with it. What helped me a lot was keeping an incredibly detailed budget down to the last penny. I also kept a running total of all my debts so I could check it each month and see the balances dropping, even if it was just by a very small amount. I lived by that massive excel spreadsheet for several years. That experience really sucked, but it did change the way I think about money. I don’t think I’ll ever be in debt up to my eyeballs again.
I feel your pain!! My goal (after purchasing a home) is to go to the grocery without anxiety and without having to re-think and over-think each and every item in my cart. I want to buy the good paper towels, and not feel the pain of guilt in my stomach. Hang in there! I have to believe that it will get better!
I understand you girl. I’m currently on a $24 bi-weekly cushion (I figure cheap box wine into my grocery bill =)
I was in exactly the same position about 6 months ago (minus the identity theft and fraud). I fought the idea for a long time, but then I went out and got a second job. I had promised myself 4 years ago that, finally, I was saying goodbye to the restaurant world. I had a grown up job! With a grown up pay check! But, alas, circumstances changed and I went back to it.
Now, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can pick up an extra shift here or there to cover unexpected costs (car repairs, anybody?) and it isn’t so bad. Swallowing my pride was the hardest part. And that is a small price to pay to actually be able to sleep at night without waking up in a sweat over money anxiety.
(Plus, I’m pulling in $11 an hour to host! They give you a lot more cash as an adult than they do when you’re a teenager.)
I fell you. Seriously, all parts of my life have aligned right now except for money Hot boy? check. Fun, challenging job? check. 20% pay cut? Uggggg ….
The only thing that helps me with stress is working out. Now, if only I could afford a gym membership ….
I have been there with the stress and stomach knotting and car repairs and income tax issues-it’s really true that when it rains, it pours! as sucky as it is and as annoying as it is to hear, it really is an invaluable lesson to learn and can only make you stronger, more aware, and more appreciative. Hang in there and enjoy your weekend of R&R!
I totally get where you’re coming from and I feel for ya! Just yesterday I started to have a meltdown thinking about the fact that our first child is due in a few months and we’re not sure if I’m going to work or not and what we’re going to be able to afford. It’s somewhat frightening to realize that you have to just trust that everything will be okay.
Here’s hoping your weekend is a relaxing one!
I am sorry for your anxiety, if only because you have spoken directly to my heart today. I constantly fret about my financial decisions, and with recent changes, have been trying not to sink into despair of never realizing some important dreams because of them. I know that tight lipped, tense girl personally, and also wish I knew how to make her go away.
Forgive me if I am not completely familiar with the entire situation between you and the Dork Lord–I have tried to read up on it. It sounds like you are hauling all the expenses while he goes to school. I am (gently) wondering whether he could pick up a part-time job at the book store or something. You are stretched to a ridiculous point and should not have to shoulder all the responsibility while your partner gets to live the dream. Just sayin’.
Anywho, hope you bliss out this WE.
I know where you’re coming from. I remember my parents arguing and eating more ground beef and macaroni than chicken. That was something special we got at grandma’s.
Today it’s different in that thankfully my husband makes good money, but he came to me with a lot..let me say that again A LOT of debt. About 20,000 worth, plus my student loans, and 3 kids(one of whom requires child support paid) so no cushions, no savings, and everytime we make progress on debt, something happens(oh hello car breaking down and needing a new water pump). We are dancing on a fine line and we’re one tango dip away from falling off the side. I cried when the weather turned cold. My kids are wearing pants that are two small and I’m praying their shoes last. I hate this part of life and hope that things improve for all of us soon.
Ohhhh Heather I am so right there with you. They say educational debt is good debt but it sure doesn’t feel good when you’re staring down 30 years of payments!
Of course I have the “bad” debt too. Grrrr.
Hang in there, and buy lottery tickets — I’ll cross my fingers for you, and me!
I’m frazzled and anxious too. And I just got back from vacation a week ago. Argh.
For your debt, may I suggest Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University? I personally have never used it because I have been scared of debt from birth and thankfully the only debt I have is my mortgage. However quite a few of my friends have taken the class and some have paid done as much as $15,000 in one year! They swear by it. It’s something you might want to check into.
I completely understand.
Yes, I have put myself in this position by not saving and by buying stupid things and a stupid amount of expensive alcohol in my college years. (I live in Canada – everything is more expensive here!)
Yes, I shouldn’t have got that AmEx to save airmiles (which I will never be able to use because I can’t afford a hotel once I fly to wherever it is I want to go).
Yes, I completely take responsibility for my financial state but it’s still not fair!!!
Gone are the days where I could go to a drugstore and buy a medium priced lipgloss without feeling guilty and having an anxiety attack on the way home.
Gone are the days where I could go for lunch co-workers and order what I want instead of scanning the prices and looking for the cheapest thing on the menu.
You are not alone in feeling this way! We are good people dammit….it will get better!
I think you misunderstand. The Dork Lord works full time AND goes to school…
“Because there’s a version of me that laughs loud and means it. And I kind of miss her.”
Oh, I feel for you, Heather!!
I have too many friends who have been out of work too long. I wish I had some sage advice, but you are clearly doing the right thing by chipping away at your debt.
Sending good thoughts your way!
I’ve been out of work for a few years (yikes, I know!) and have been desperately looking. But with my (lack) of skills and the economy in the toilet, no luck. I remembered a quote I heard once: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. So I stopped looking for a job and went back to school. It’s an accelerated course, so I’ll be qualified to get an entry level position in February (yay!!) but until then, money’s still tight so I know how you feel. If I may make a recomendation that might help? It’s a site called mypoints.com. You can exchange points for giftcards (from both on and offline stores) and you don’t have to spend money to earn points. You can shop to earn points (you have to use the site as a portal) but you can also just take surveys, “read” emails (it’s more like skimming) and print out coupons. Hope this helps.
Hmm.. having just taken a pay cut by half (for very different reasons and with a significant change in circumstances) I have to admit that the money worrier in me is well and truly awake. So I don’t know what you are going through but know a bit and enough to say I hope you make it through it soon. And that the ranch fixed things enough to relax. Hang in there.
I am right there with you.
One thing that has helped with the grocery store stress is to shop at Aldi’s. They don’t carry any name brands, only their own generic brand. You buy the grocery bags or bring your own and you put a 25cent deposit down for your cart. All this keeps the costs down pretty substantially. I am also so relieved to not have to stand there and compare per unit prices and generic vs name brand and what’s on sale and blah blah blah. The quality is decent and for the basics, like cheese, eggs and milk, you just can’t go wrong… When feasible, I go to the regular grocery store for things like frozen pizzas and good bread, but it really has cut down on the sick-to-my-stomach-feeling for me. I can get our basic food needs covered for our family of 3 (my 16 month old eats as much as an adult, I swear!) for about $50/week.
I second Aldi. I buy all of our canned veggies at aldi, way cheaper than kroger. I can usually find good deals on meat at kroger, and I buy a newspaper every week for the coupons. My boyfriend’s been out of work for over a year, the stress is not fun, but you do what you have to do. Not sleeping will literally make everything worse.
Debt. It sucks and I know how you feel. Been there, done that, have the Goodwill T-shirt to prove it.
Here’s a thought – My morning coffee guy is talented at making me a good cup of dark roast every morning and I regularly tip him for a job well done.
I’ve been following you for a couple years now. I think you are a talented writer and I enjoy your work.
Any way grateful readers like me could tip YOU for a job well done? Ever thought of putting a tip jar on your site?
Hi Heather,
I think Cori gave the best possible advice; to document your spending down to the last penny; spreadsheet it to death. We did this in the years we had very little, and it was very very helpful. Its amazing how putting it all down makes it easier to look at the situation rationally.
Same thing with dieting; only when I wrote down EVERYTHING that I ate, was I able to really lose weight.
I also make lists of things I have to do any given day. Having it written down reduces the anxiety. And if you’re not sleeping well at night, that’s a sign of anxiety par excellence!
In my most anxious time (husband with cancer) I took sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medication (Xanax), all under the doctor’s supervision. They were very helpful for a while to relieve the acute anxiety and lack of sleep, but are easy to get addicted to so one has to be careful.
With a bit of help, you’ll be able to get through it.
My best wishes.
Heather, it does end. It takes time, but it does. Aside from my six figure student loan that I will be paying off until the day I die, I can proudly say that I am debt- free, as of June of this year. I was 34,000 bucks in the hole, just from credit cards, about 5 years ago. Credit cards with up to 22% interest because I was so bad at managing my money.
One day I just sat there crying because I was so overwhelmed. I decided to sign up with a debt management agency. I closed all my accounts, they got my interest rates lowered to 6%, and took a serious look at my spending habits. I moved to a small, crappy apartment to save $400 a month, traded in my car for an el cheapo (savings:$140 a month), started cutting coupons, ate lots of Ramen and mac & cheese again (my college diet), shopped at Wal Mart, etc. It took 5 years, but I can’t tell you how elated I was to make that last payment.
All this, really, to let you know that it can be done, that it sucks ass while you’re doing it, but it does end. Plus, you learn a lot about how you spend money in the process.Hang in there, and remember to breathe, ok?
Heather, it does end. It takes time, but it does. Aside from my six figure student loan that I will be paying off until the day I die, I can proudly say that I am debt- free, as of June of this year. I was 34,000 bucks in the hole, just from credit cards, about 5 years ago. Credit cards with up to 22% interest because I was so bad at managing my money.
One day I just sat there crying because I was so overwhelmed. I decided to sign up with a debt management agency. I closed all my accounts, they got my interest rates lowered to 6%, and took a serious look at my spending habits. I moved to a small, crappy apartment to save $400 a month, traded in my car for an el cheapo (savings:$140 a month), started cutting coupons, ate lots of Ramen and mac & cheese again (my college diet), shopped at Wal Mart, etc. It took 5 years, but I can’t tell you how elated I was to make that last payment.
All this, really, to let you know that it can be done, that it sucks ass while you’re doing it, but it does end. Plus, you learn a lot about how you spend money in the process.Hang in there, and remember to breathe, ok?
I’ll second the debt counseling agency; they can really help lower your bill payments and help you budget a little more efficiently.
I know this sounds depressing, but I’ll also support the mention of getting a second job. I was in debt too several years ago and worked 2 jobs for the longest time so I didn’t have that “do I have enough for food” stress in my life. Restaurant work is a super easy way to make fast cash without any residual stress of deadlines/reports/meetings that you get from working in an office.
Eventually I got my debt paid off and have learned my lesson. Always give yourself options in life! Having soul-draining debt really limits your options, which I think is one of the biggest gifts you can take away from yourself.
No way, no how on the debt consolidation thing. I have eleven years of perfect payment history. I’m not closing my credit accounts. Once they’re paid off, my credit score will be rocktastic. The only thing hurting it happens to be the amount of debt I have – I have no negative anythings on my credit reports.
11 years of perfect payment history! wow! get the less important (specialized) accounts paid off… pay just a couple extra dollars on these cards whenever you can… and I loved the tip jar idea… I tip well for anyone who makes me smile (you make me laugh myself silly on a regular basis…. I owe you big already)… now all you have to do is make this happen…