First I started this post, and then I started my new job. So please forgive me for how disjointed and un-spell-checked it is.
I’m here!
I know I’ve been out of touch, but I do have a good excuse. The Dork Lord and I just got back from spending the last several days with his family in Indiana for his grandmother’s funeral. I never met the Boy’s grandmother, but it hardly mattered. This trip may have been one of the more emotionally exhausting experiences of my life; something akin to watching a four-day long, Oscar caliber, based-on-a-true-story tear-jerker. Those feelings of missing and longing and sorrow – they’re so fluid, so easily transferable that during the first memorial service, I got this lump in my throat that I couldn’t swallow. I even tried throwing a few margaritas down for lubrication but that got me nowhere but drunk and sad. In the year and a half we’ve been together, I’d never seen the Boy cry before. He’s gotten choked up once or twice about our aged and infirmed dog, but this was something new entirely. I’m programmed with a Make it Better function that made it extremely difficult to watch him during those funeral services and not be able to do anything but squeeze his knee or put my arm around him. I was helpless and I hated it.
Neither of us believes in an afterlife – an idea that in rural Indiana is accepted more as fact than philosophy – and while talk of guardian angels and heavenly reunions was comforting to a vast majority of the congregation, it did nothing for my guy. The person he loved was gone, and that wasn’t changing. Later that night, we lay on top of extra firm hotel beds and talked about the life after.
“I’ll be devastated when you die,” I said. “I mean, assuming I don’t go first. I don’t think I’d be…functional.”
“I want you to get remarried.”
“What?”
“You only get one shot. I want you to be happy while you’ve got a chance to. And if you want to get married again.. it’s okay.”
“Okay,” I said, and then I was quiet for a minute. “But, just so we’re clear? I expect you to mourn forever and ever. Okay?”
“Gotcha.”
Condolences to the Boy.
I’m so sorry to hear that sad news. I’m sure the Dork Lord was just glad you were with him, even if you couldn’t make it better.
Condolences to the Boy and his family. I can relate to what you went through… the week we were to get engaged and the day I arrived in Vegas, my husband’s father came down with pneumonia. And for a man with COPD, that is devastating. And it was. 10 days later, and we had to do the hardest thing in the world – let his dad go. I’m like you, programmed with a “make everything better because I can’t stand to see you sad” button, but there was nothing I could do other than just be there. Be supportive and loving, listen and provide my arms to curl up and cry in. As a still pretty new couple, times like that can be trying – but pulling through it together can bring you to a whole new level of love and respect for each other. My heart goes out to you both.
I’m so sorry! Sending my condolences and good thoughts to you both.
(Hugs) to you and the boy! Poor guy.
Funerals are really tough.. all that raw emotion around you. I’m always greatly affected by heavy emotion surrounding me. I’m with you on the afterlife thing.. I think this is our one shot and you have to enjoy every single day. If I just assumed I would see everyone again after I died, I might just waste the time we have now. And what if I was wrong? I would rather just accept that this life is all I know and live every day appreciating the good things.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you, the Boy and his family.
There is life after this. Jesus said, I go to prepare a place for you, that where I am, there may ye be also. Creation itself speaks of God the creator. Each morning sunrise and every changing season, God is in all of it. People are a mess. We are always changing our minds, getting tired, getting old, getting hungry, getting mad. God is the alpha and omega, beginning and the end, always was, always is, and always will be. “Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, and today, and forever”.
Think of it like this: numbers are sort of the same way. They go on and on and on and never end. 100, 101, 102 … one million and one, ten million and one …. see? People can understand this, yet they can’t understand God. I talk to people who say what if God’s not there.
What if He is? Yikes. You are really in trouble once you’re dead cause you ain’t coming back. The Bible says there is one way to heaven: Jesus. And Jesus said, “Him that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out”.
In a world where we try to be strong, independent(I do),and do everything ourselves, there is still a God who loves us and with who I can’t live without. I’m glad I know where I’m going when I die! Thank you Jesus! You can know, too!
Well, that didn’t take long, Andrea. I was hedging bets on how long it would take before a Christian rant popped up in the comments section.
Right? I’m always a fan of “I’m right, you’re wrong” comments. ESPECIALLY when they deal with god and faith issues because, you know, they’re so *fact* based. How’s about people preface their religious thoughts with, “I believe…” Sure would make everyone seem a whole lot more reasonable.
While I appreciate your beliefs, Andrea, I neither believe in neither the bible nor Jesus. So… I still don’t believe in the afterlife.
May I point you to this equally compelling piece of evidence?
http://unreasonablefaith.com/2009/09/11/atheist-cat-finds-your-prayer-futile/
It’s a much better response than trying to formulate coherent sentences in the blinding fury unsolicited religious drivel inspires in me.
My thoughts will be with you and your fiance’s family…
In that relationship book “All About Us” there’s a question that reads, “If I die first, if you had to choose, which of my friends would you sleep with first?” That book should be called All About Who We Were When We Were An Us. Them’s fightin’ words.
Love to you and Sir Dork.
Oh Fish, I wish you had just accepted that comment graciously. People who believe will present their faith as truth because to them it is the truth. You don’t believe, that’s ok, but virtually rolling your eyes at someone who does is childish and graceless. No one appreciates unsolicited “wisdom” but no one appreciates disrespect either. Good luck to you, I won’t be checking back.
I’m sorry you’re offended. Truly. I never virtually rolled my eyes at anyone- I have a great deal of respect and understanding for the role of religion and its importance, especially when it comes to providing comfort. I’m sorry if you interpreted my response as an eye roll.
I don’t agree that it’s disrespectful or childish (you’ll note that I never called anyone names) to point out that when discussing belief systems, people would get a lot farther if they realized that it is precisely that – a belief. There’s no room for, “I’m right, you’re wrong” when it comes to discussions of faith. Not here, anyway.
You may feel so deeply about something that you can say you “know” it. But when I say, “I don’t believe in an afterlife,” a “you’re wrong, this is how it is” comment is rather tacky. That’s what I reacted to.
Again, I’m sorry. But you’re not likely to read this, I guess.
Um, Caitlyn? Going out of your way to virtually admonish someone, along with announcing that you’re taking your ball and going home, is both childish and graceless.
Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again
I can quote scripture too. This is taken from Cade’s translation of the Chronicles of Jason E. I think that it can teach us all something.
1-1 And it did come to pass that a young man named Jason E “the hunter” did come of age. And he grew as any man should. He had chosen to become a law keeper and a peace maker and did go about the town making sure it was in harmony. A great many years in peace did pass while the hunter was keeping the land. And it came to pass that one day the people did turn their hearts to evil and did commit many crimes and were riotous and did commit whoredoms. And Jason E was saddened in his heart and he did lift his voice unto the people saying: repent damn you and stop your damned foolishness: and the people did.
1-2 And Jason E. did keep the peace in the land and he did hunger for a piece of something else. So he began his quest for a noble wife to be a soul mate unto him. And he did past through many lands seeing many concubines, but never seeing one who stole his heart. And it came to pass that none did steal his heart but many tried to steal his boots because they were fine boots and the workmanship was exceedingly fine.
After I posted my comment yesterday and then saw your comment, Heather, saying that you appreciate Andrea’s beliefs, I felt bad. I guess I shouldn’t “eye roll” or make fun. Whenever I do that, I do think long and hard about it afterwards, but it comes down to this for me: if you don’t respect mine, then I don’t respect yours. It’s a two-way street, you know? And the reason that I specify that particular religion is because that is the religion I encounter the most and because the few Buddhists or Jews or whatnot that I’ve known have not behaved the same way.
I am a little behind on your blog. My condolences to the Dork Lord, losing a loved one is never easy. I wish you both the best, and as always kudos for handling yourself in such a gracious way. I only hope I will be able to do the same if ever forced to do so.
my condolences to you and your fiance, those first moments where we see our partner cry/mourn are always so hard.
(and i have to point out how cute i thought your response to his “remarrying” comment were… i actually said the SAME THING when my man so lovingly gave me his permission:)
First off, condolences for your boy
that stuffs never good…
Secondly, its been forever since i’ve checked your blog (sorry) but I just wanted to say how absolutely adorable your relationship is, at least as portrayed here…i’m 25, & i’m constantly getting the “When are you gonna get a boyfriend/married” thing and when I read your stories…I guess it reassures me that i’m not some freak of nature. Gives me hope for the future. Sorry to be schmoopy. Love your blog.