I’m burnt out.
On top of life, the last few weeks have been exceptionally stressful at work – I live by deadlines and sometimes, there are honestly just too many to manage well but I’m me, so I refuse to admit that and simply do more, longer. Until, well, until it’s as though I can smell the brain cells burning, like hair caught in the business end of a blow dryer.
I’m tired. Like, the kind of tired that they’d lock you up for back in the day, in a yellow wallpapered room and watch from a safe distance as you started to form meaningful relationships with the images you saw in it. I’m arguing with the wallpaper, people.
All I want to do is sleep but even sleep is an exercise in frustration. Night sweats. Bad dreams. I worry about the as yet unsaved kitten factor living in my yard, my own sick cat who, out of sheer stubbornness, refuses to get well, my job that I’m falling behind on and this enormous personal crisis I’m having that we can’t even go into right now. Sometimes it feels like someone is standing on my chest and I think maybe if I just go back to bed, it won’t feel as heavy. And in the midst of it, my husband, a man who doesn’t actually ever clean anything but manages to constantly place our crap into tidy, right-angled arrangements and call it cleaning, erupted in fury that I’d let the utility room get messy. I can’t even breathe and he’s mad that he can smell cat food.
I stood there, bouncing a sick kitten on my hip, suddenly thinking about tensile strength and would it actually show if I just broke inside?
He was sorry, brought home flowers. I cleaned and daydreamed about taking a nap.
Have you ever read the Yellow Wallpaper? It is an awesome short story. The lady goes “crazy” from being bored. Can you even imagine. Bored. Like anyone has time for that.
Funny. I saw the yellow wallpaper sentence, and immediately thought of the story too!
It’s actually about how being confined for exhaustion/depression makes the woman crazy. It’s not boredom, exactly.
I’m sorry to hear that you are so burnt out but I loved the Yellow Wallpaper reference!
Big hugs to you! A glass of wine, a bubble bath, some yoga breathing… things will get better. Ask for help! I know, Superwoman, it’s tough – but it’s also part of being Superwoman. Knowing when it’s too much and being able to graciously accept help… Wish I could offer something more concrete, but know that you have an invisible support network out here who loves you.
What’s wrong with tidy little piles everywhere? Why don’t women understand the utilitarian beauty of neatly stacked crap? They make it easier to clean the house. Someday.
To be serious, and please forgive the unsolicited nanny comment, but if the night sweats persist and are heavy, see a doctor. I didn’t pay attention; let’s just say I regretted it.
Sounds like you’re both stressed. I think you need a timeout. If finances do not permit a weekend escape, can you play tourist at home? Forget about cleaning, etc. as much as possible and just pretend it’s a hotel and go see what you can see and do what you can do?
Just a thought. Hope you feel better soon.
P.S. Yes, do ask for help too.
dont feel bad you have the right to snap. When Life gets to me I do something completely not me and silly. Go outside in the middle of the afternoon and dance or when the hubby gets home grab him by the hand and sing songs on the radio in your worst voice. you will both crack up and not want to kill each other anymore. Believe me it works 5 yrs ago my husband was dx with a terminal illness, last year i was dx with the next thing to cervical cancer this is how we get thru it and it does work. It pulls you right out of your blue mood. Oh and remember life is about living not just getting thru you have to stop worring and go with it k. Hope this helps. You are to good a person to worry so much. Keep your head up and think silly (like when you were a kid silly)
Ick life sure can be a bi-otch. Here’s to breathing and drinking wine through the hard times and looking forward to lighter easier times.
Warning: Nag #2 don’t ignore the night sweats, they can be a sign of an lingering internal infection (Sinus? Bronchitis? etc)
Ick life sure can be a bi-otch. Here’s to breathing and drinking wine through the hard times and looking forward to lighter easier times.
Warning: Nag #2 don’t ignore the night sweats, they can be a sign of a lingering internal infection (Sinus? Bronchitis? etc)
I also have stress-induced sleeping problems when life is really tough. I don’t know what will work for you, but for me, I have to read or watch really bad TV for a while to fully disengage from real life and my day. It does seem counterproductive, because you end up staying up an hour or later or whatever doing the other activity, but your quality of sleep will be sooo much better. If you have longer than 6 hours to sleep (you probably don’t), you can also take an over the counter sleep aid (which I have also done before). In general, though, if you know for sure that you can’t dedicate a minimum of 6 hours, then try other relaxation techniques.
Feel better, sweetie!
How far along are you?
About negative two and a half years.
Hi Heather,
That’s a terrible feeling – like you’re paddling and wading in water and are so overwhelmed you feel like you’er just barely staying afloat. I hear you.
I have most often feel this way in one particular setting: work. I’m a nurse, and I read a piece of advice about mindfulness that I’m reminded of constantly – I think it can definitely be used in any scenario. Here it is…. (I’m sorry it’s a little lengthy for a comment!) Of course, replace words like “nursing” and “bedpans” with “living” and “problems”.
I hope it helps… and I hope that soon, something else can wait, while you get some shut eye.
* * * * * * * * *
“Here are a few exercises that might slow you down, shake off some stress and
open you up to some deep nursing:
From time to time during the shift, try to be aware of your breath. Feel the
sensations in your diaphragm as you breath in and out. Are your breaths
short and shallow? Do they feel rushed? Don’t make any effort to control
your breathing …just follow it. Be attentive to it.
Attempt to maintain mindfulness during your activities.
Mindfulness is a way of learning to relate directly to unfolding experience.
It has been described as a calm, purposeful and reflective presence which
can be applied to all aspects of medical practice. Our work during the shift
oftentimes becomes fragmented as we load more tasks onto our to-do-list
and spread ourselves thinner. Try to prioritize your tasks to the best of
your ability and then just be present with each task as it unfolds.
Being mindful during your activities is not difficult, but remembering to be
mindful is.
Establish an anchor activity that brings you back to this open state.
For me it is washing my hands, something that happens very frequently.
When you wash your hands, no mater how busy and hectic it is, take a
few moments to let everything drop away.
Slow down. Feel the warmth of the water as it runs over your hands. Be
mindful of the sensations as your hands wash each other. Notice any
tension in your body. If your shoulders are tight roll them forward a few
times and then back. Find your breath. Center, and reconnect with your
bodily sensations.
Other rituals that give you an opportunity to trigger a relaxation response
are any repetitive tasks such as setting up for an IV or drawing up
medication or picking up a ringing phone.
Listen. Really listen as patients are speaking. Give them some time and
listen to their words. Watch their body language. Don’t interrupt with your
own agenda. Try to connect with your gut feelings about them as you are
listening, but don’t pollute those feelings with a judgmental attitude.
Be gentle with yourself and your colleagues. Most of us are lucky enough
to have two hands and two legs… but you can only carry so many
bedpans at a time.
If you have made a mistake or you feel things are overwhelming you don’t
beat yourself up.
After all number one, we’re only mortal.
Any nurse that tells you that they have not made at least one distressing
error during their career is either a liar or haven’t been nursing very long.
I’ve made some crackers.
Ask for help often. Ask questions often. Eat chocolate often.”
(Take from blog ImpactedNurse.com – which sadly no longer exists, but his document is here – http://wobblewax.com/pics1/how%20to%20be%20a%20nurse.pdf )
Hugs, Heather! It will get better. Thinking of you! Take a day, lay in bed, read a book, take a nap. That is what I am doing today. =)
Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. Make sure to find ways to comfort each other too. Sometimes the easiest thing is to snap at those closest to you, but it’s not a very good policy (I’m still working on this).
I will be sending good wishes your way!
It sounds like you need a nap and a good laugh. Since I can’t help with the nap part, you should click this link.
http://ghensel.posterous.com/lamebook-uncle-scott-is-back
Fair warning, it’s a wee bit morbid.
Wow. This is how I feel. Some of the same reasons some different.
The other day I told a friend a week long coma sounded nice. That is how deperately exhausted and burned I am. The only reason I go through the motions is for my animals. That is sad.
I am sorry you are burned as well. I keep thinking things will get better. Eventually.
Right?
I’ve been learning how to manage my own anxiety and I learned something really good last week – Unplug yourself sometimes and focus on one thing at a time! I’m someone who has always had multiple things going on.. if I’m watching TV, I’ll also have the laptop out and looking stuff up online constantly. If I’m upstairs using the computer, I MUST have the radio on. At work I couldn’t stand the silence and had to have the radio playing all day, while switching back and forth between work and Googling every few minutes. Last week I made the decision to just welcome silence and concentrate on each task at a time until it’s completed. I can’t tell you how much of a difference this has made already. How could my brain know how to shut off when I never give it the opportunity to? It’s like I turned it into a search engine. Now here I am at work, radio off, enjoying the silence. I’ve even allowed myself to be bored at times with nothing to do.. and be okay with that! It’s even brought back my desire to write poems.. something I thought I lost way back when I was a teenager. In a world where we’re expected to constantly be plugged in, and over-stimulation is par for the course, give your poor brain a break and show it it’s okay to do nothing sometimes. Plus I switched from coffee to green tea, which is naturally anti-anxiety. Highly recommend it!
I think you need a night of Stupid and Fancy. You owe it to yourself and the usual attendees who are a little under the weather at the moment. Bust out a prom dress and hit the town. Do it for New York!
i love the yellow wallpaper reference. it brought back memories from my liberal women’s college, where we were all immersed in feminst lit.
although you’ve already had several unsolicited pieces of advice, i’ll add my thoughts. feel completely free to ignore them if you like. that’s how you’re supposed to handle unsolicited advice.
your health should be first, work second, and the house third.
first, definitely make sure you don’t have any medical reasons for the bad sleep and night sweats.
what works for me is mixing fun and work. so try to do some fun and stressfree things. if you can, balance that with breaking your work into mini-projects that you can tackle in between the fun. that way you don’t have deadlines still looming down the road.
third, houses are supposed to be messy. that’s what they do. you can clean when you get a chance. there’s no deadline for that.
i hope that things get better and you get some sleep without anything standing on your chest.
Heather… I wish I knew how to help you, or even had good encouraging words. Maybe you can get a reprieve this weekend?
When my work gets into my dreams (quite often), I try to counter it by reading a favorite book for 15-30 minutes before bed.
And, my husband does not have the same idea of “clean” that I do. We have divided the chores by room…
I hope things get better! *HUGS*
I don’t have any advice except I am sorry you are feeling so burnt out. My only comfort is that we all get there, single or coupled or married. Poor or comfortable or rich. Cat mom or dog mom or reptile mom. Unemployed or part-time or full-time.
Feel better soon, my dear. xo
I don’t know if you know about Tara Stiles- but she has a youtube channel with a bunch of short and really good yoga routines (she has a studio in NYC, there was a big article in the NYT about her earlier this year). I do these when I only have ten minutes but can’t handle my stress anymore, and it helps a lot. here’s the relax/meditate playlist:
http://www.youtube.com/user/TaraStilesYoga#grid/user/1ABEC5D5A750B88D
Let’s see: weddig plans, getting robbed, changing jobs, more wedding plans and work, new job, new house with resulting tons of work, more wedding plans/work, thinking you got robbed, sick animals…. and now increased job stress?? You have been in the middle of MAJOR live stressors for a couple of YEARS now so it is no wonder you are totally frazzled. I hope you can get some serious down time and help with the house and animals before you get seriously ill. Honestly you are at risk for either a major melt down or a physical illness. Please take care of YOURSELF.
Big hug for you [[[[[HUG]]]]], and snuggles for kittens and other felines. No advice, though, because I’m fresh out, and because it sounds like maybe you just need sleep. Hope you get to soon.
I will add a wish for some peace for you tonight. Take care of yourself as well as you have been taking care of everyone else!!
Sounds like life has been tough. I hope you manage to work it out and get to breathe freely soon. I know that feeling – I call it an elephant on my chest. It’s hard. Feel better soon. x
Giving of yourself is hard work and often you don’t see rewards. Hang in there, Heather…grab a kitten, hold it close and listen to it purr.
Oh, Heather, I’m sorry. Along with all of the other stressors, the first year or 2 are the hardest, even when you’ve lived together for a while first. I don’t know why, but it seems so common. I don’t have any advice, just hang in there, it does get easier! One by one, each of the stressors will fall off your radar and a weight will be lifted.
I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. I don’t know what your personal crisis may be, but shortly after my marriage I suffered one of my own, among other stresses in life. And it was something that “a bubble bath, glass of wine and breathing exercises” couldn’t control. But a good therapist and medication slowly did the trick. It’s a hard thing to admit to yourself and to everyone else, but sometimes you can’t cure your own problems without outside, professional help. This may not apply to you at all, but I just thought I’d let you know that it helped me. A lot. After a only a couple of weeks of it, I was no longer laying awake long into the night and breaking down in crying fits in public places.
This is why I read your blog. There are so many times that I so strongly identify with you. Right now I am exactly where you are. I need something to let up soon or…… I think I am going to snap. Im a single mom with a less than desirable ex husband who is engaged to his THIRD wife. Between the antagonistic behavior of him, her unrelenting desire to overstep her boundries with my children, the demanding job that I have and their softball schedule I am just about at my wits end. I am reading all of the comments and lovely advice above and looking to see if anything there will help me too. And you know what? I have tried so much of that stuff and IT ISNT WORKING. I need to somehow take charge of my life and I cant figure out how. I cant stand the thought of not being able to do it all and everything anyone ever asks me to do and I over extend myself. I cant figure out how to take away the negative mentally destructive people in my kids life. And I dont know how to tell someone no without feeling enormous guilt like I have let them down somehow. And I cant ask for help because somehow that means failure. And I just realized that my post is rambling because just like real life there is too much to think about and do and I just cant keep it all straight right now. Is that how you feel? If it is and you find a way to somehow pull it all together and regain some sanity would you please share??
I, too, have suffered guilt at telling someone no. What finally made me wake up was the realization that if I don’t start telling people no, start taking time for myself, then how will my children ever learn how to do it. As a single mom, our kids will learn more from us than anyone else. They need to learn that its ok not to have all the answers and its perfectly acceptable and expected to ask for help and at a minimum not to take on every project, request for help, or issue. Please take some time for yourself and know that this is only one way of teaching your kids how to take care of themselves when they get older. I know this is rambling and may not help, just know you’re not alone and someone else has been there too.
It does help and thank you. My friends and I are all at different ages and our lives are not similiar and I dont really know any other single moms with kids my kids age. This is why I love to read this and a few other blogs. I dont feel alone and lots of times there is another voice thought or opinion out there that helps.
Im working on saying no and taking a step back. And you are right, need to set that example for my kids too.
D
Hugs. That is all.
I understand your burnout and I feel it too. I got white hot mad at my husband last night because he fell asleep on the couch at 9:00 and didn’t take out the recycling. Oopsie.
For me, having a trip to look forward too helps — even if it’s just a super inexpensive camping trip.
I am the same way – some kind of travel plan in my future does wonders for me. When I’m feeling pissy – whether brought on by me or another – I disappear into my travel plans for a while in the hopes of emerging renewed. The planning is as necessary for me as the travel itself! I try to do something each month. Some are big trips (just did Montana/Wyoming/Idaho this summer), some are small (road trip to Boston in a few weeks), but they all act as a sort of anti-depressant/anti-anxiety.
Heather, hope you’re feeling a little less bad today. Hugs.
Hi Heather, just wanted to say that while you’re a superwoman I hope you take care of yourself – it’s tough to hear that you’re feeling burnt out. I feel for you, and I’m sure most of your readers do too.
Lots of virtual hugs and I hope things ease up for you soon.
I hope things are on the up and up since you wrote this. Hugs, regardless.