“I can say this now because I’m drunk…”
J is sitting across the table from me, balanced on a rickety barstool, a pint of IPA sloshing over onto his hand. He had three glasses of water at the last bar. I know he’s not drunk, but I smile and nod him on. Who am I to stop a guy from getting something off his chest?
“You know I love Tricia. It…”
“…goes without saying.” I finish his sentence. Tricia is, without question, the best thing that has happened to him. It does go without saying.
“Exactly. See? That’s what I want to say. You know me.” J looks over his shoulder at his girlfriend and smiles. “I love her. And I’m in love with her. But you and I connected in ways she and I never will.”
I don’t know what expression my face is wearing. My eyebrows are raised though. That much I can tell. J reaches for my arm.
“You shaped the way I see… well, almost everything. Movies. Art. People. You know that, right? Remember that time you said…”
J starts recounting a story from three years ago. Something I said about a red Ferrari and I’m shocked by the level of detail in his memory of it.
“That’s how I knew you just got me.”
We’re both quiet for a minute. There’s chaos going on around us in the bar. I feel beer spill down into my sandals but I barely flinch. I’m sort of… blank. I hadn’t expected any of this (I’d for a birthday party, not a confessional) and I won’t even begin processing it until the next day on the train when I slide my sunglasses down and cry a little because I don’t know what else to do. Mostly because of what he says next.
“I was never good at showing you how much I loved you.”
On the train, I’ll replay that sentence and I’ll be overwhelmed, in pain, almost and slightly angry. My train ticket will say July 10 — coincidentally the three-year anniversary of the blog I started to make some sense of our bizarre relationship. Three years will have gone by with me believing I chased him, tried to make him love me and assigned some huge meaning to a relationship that never had a chance of making it. Three years of feeling unappreciated and unloved. Unseen and unheard.
But then I’ll understand finally, somewhere in the middle of Connecticut, that he’d been hearing and seeing all along. I’ll understand that three years after a silly conversation about a red Ferrari, the memory of that night will mean a great deal to him. And I won’t have even thought about it in a very long time.
it’s so bittersweet the way we come to realize we had an impact on someone we loved but that they could never be for us who we needed or wanted them to be. there’s great joy in realizing they can love, but that they will love someone other than you. it’s hard to get to that point, but when it happens, it’s so lovely, and you’ve expressed this so beautifully, h. a testament to you. hugs!
Is it better to know that it mattered that much, that he loved you that much, or not?
Aw… that is sad.
especially if you are tricia and reading this blog!!!
i hope you have peace with this now, although i still have some hope for the two of you!
is he your Big?
it’s amazing the effect people can have on us. just a touch here or a word there can send you reeling.
And there’s why I keep coming back to TFNAB. Sure I enjoy they humour and occasional troll-baiting, but every now and then there’s a beautifully evocative reminder. A reminder that all our lives are complicated, messy and just a little out of our control. We’re all in the same Big Boat O’ Chaos and knowing that somehow makes it easier. Thanks Fish.
Something similar happened to me recently. It wasn’t a “I was in love with you” admission…but something just as mind-fucking. And then, a week later, he proposed to his girlfriend. Who’s lovely. Just goes to show you we spend so much time worrying we don’t even register on the radar of these boys…While in fact, we do. They just suck at showing it, appreciating us or telling us when 3 years hasn’t gone by and their hopped up on Harpoon IPA.
Hmmm, the magic of hindsight. And who knows, perhaps other posters are right about everything and nothing.
Be lucky in having some closure. And continue to appreciate the positive influence you have in the lives of others.*
Hugs Fish
* that last part was not advice but a general personal philosophy.
Wait, why is it sad if you’re Tricia and reading this? He LOVES her, like in the big love, grown up kind of way. They work things out and help each other and I am SO very glad he has her. I do not wish he and I had worked out, for the record. EVER.
Beautiful and sad, but also wonderful that you know yourself better and can sort out your feelings. With age comes wisdom? Sometimes, yes, especially if we’re willing to really think about the past clearly–or at least as clearly as we can!
And a pleasure to read, as always.
Exes are all jerks.
Is that Keith’s I.P.A. ??? Mmmmmmmmmmmm…
Isn’t amazing how much a person can reveal when they are drunk. Sometimes I wish that the world could be in that temporal state for just 15 minutes all at the same time…maybe then there would be less walls.
Some guys are unable to express their feelings to their exes because they believe that their CURRENT significant other, should she witness or learn of it, would interpret any such behavior as betrayal. Not sayin’ that’s the case here and not criticizing any previous comment/commenter. Just sayin’.
Trish is the Big Love but for how long? They work things out but she doesn’t get him. I’ve had friends who have gotten married because they were compatible and could work things out but eventually got divorced after one realized that the other just didn’t get what was really important. So, I think what all of us should aspire to is the relationship where your partner gets you but can help work things out with you. That usually requires great timing and fate. Fish got the more important half of the equation right but it sounds like both parties just weren’t ready for it. The timing just wasn’t right. That’s all. Still, to have that is pretty great.
wow, i went through that exact same thing….for a very long time, all the uncertainty, the wondering…wishing, then the ultimate let-down. it’s taken me years to even be able to talk about it like an adult without bursting into tears, i was sooooo into him and i tried so hard to get that in return from him, to recently find out that he really did love me it just wasn’t a good time, and of course now it’s to late! you truley have a gift of writing! how theraputic it must be to have what your feeling given justice in the form of words,lord knows i’v tried it and only get frustrated, it’s so good that i feel your pain!…..write on fish
i said something similar to my ex this past weekend too.
nothing will ever come of it. I just wanted her to know that she meant something to me.
maybe it was for my own sake, i don’t know. still not sure if i did the right thing.
yeah…. I wouldn’t want to be Trish, either. If my man ever said stuff like that to an ex while I was in the room, I’d be out the door. That’s just disrespectful.
Good thing she’s not uptight, I guess.
it’s always interesting to find out which things make a big impression on someone in a relationship. often I find it’s something that I never would guess had made one. but they probably think the same things of what I remember.
it’s difficult to realize you meant something to someone and they meant something to you, but for whatever reason it just wasn’t quite enough.
as always, thanks for sharing.
h, this post makes me so happy for you. be happy that you have closure w/ j now. i wasn’t so lucky, my j passed away before we had the opportunity to have full closure. 9 years later, i still battle that closure issue….
just thought i’d share. xoxo. kat.
Oy, Fishele. Why does it take a stable relationship to make guys realize stuff like this? That statement’s one for the books. Glad you’re considering it a case closed, though. Better that way for everyone…
I needed to read this today. Thank you.
hes a sneaky sob. always finding a way for you to write about him more.
best post ever.
your post today really struck me, mostly because I think I have definitely been J before.
also, congratulations on three years of blogging. your blog makes me happy.
Always LOVE your writing as well as your empathy. Have gotten J’d by ex-wife and one other. Might mean “latency” still a possibilty in my case, I suppose. Oh well! One note though: I also think you’re wrong regarding your comments on Tricia’s take. Have been both sides and reaction is emotional, not intellectual. Logic need not apply.
If Trish doesn’t have a problem with Fish being there for J’s bday, I suspect she’s pretty aware of their past relationship and comfortable with her own current relationship with J.
I am so glad I found this site, I think many of us have found us in Fish’s situation–longing for “him” to think we are amazing, thinking they don’t think about us nearly as much as we think about them. Not all of us get the opportunity to hear that they did think we were amazing all along. Good for you Fish–we always thought you were awesome!
just an addition to my previous comment, it wasn’t until i got into a good healthy relationship that i finally realized that all the shit i put up with in the past was rediculous!! i held on to nothing for so long and let me tell you, holding nothing has never made me more tired!! i don’t regret anything, i loved him with all my heart and will always love him in some way, but to be where i am now with the amazing man i’m with makes me feel foolish for letting myself be “that girl” for so long, i realize now what a real relationship is and it feels so good!
God, boys are so retarded.
Wasn’t my point that Fish was in any way the problem but sorry if offense taken by anyone. Its J still carrying same problem of not being able to tell a present relationship what it takes to be his best friend or soul-mate. We guys take a lot longer at that and maybe we never get it. Just didn’t want to see Fish get herself shot as the well-written messenger.
Each relationship tells us something about ourselves as well as the other person. If Trish and J can talk to each other… then eventually, she will “get it” and start to understand what is important to him. If she loves him she will want to learn. However, if J has trouble telling any partner how he feels about her –as he did with you– and what is important to him…and expects her to have passed mind-reading 101, the relationship may be doomed.
If he learned something from his relationship with you, Fish, then you have contributed mightily to his growth as a person. If he learned nothing, then he will keep having new relationships until he gets it right.
I believe that ANY relationship takes a lot of work!!! Whether it is with the significant other… grrrl friends, or whatever. It also takes effort on the part of *both* for it to succeed. Few people find the “soul-mate” of their dreams. It may be a fantasy to think that you will wait until fate brings you that special person. Wishing for the perfect person is a dangerous thing…. a perfect person very likely does not exist. For my own DH, I wished he was more romantic… More sensitive…. a better mind-reader…
but alas, he was not. Fast forward 21 years. He now does romantic things, because he knows I like them. While watching relationships around us fall apart, he has become more sensitive. Ok…he hasn’t solved the mind-reading yet… but hope springs eternal!
He has recently discovered that men and women do things for different reasons, that is, they have totally different motivations. (what a SHOCK!!!)
Just recently, we had a conversation about why women wear pretty or sexy underwear. He thought that the only reason was to entice and excite men. I pointed out that I know many women who wear sexy undies because it makes them feel PRETTY and confident in their sex appeal…even though no one else knows they have something special on. He was surprised and said that is one thing a man would never do to build his confidence. Ah..viva la difference!
So, he didn’t start out as the perfect mate…but we are working on it! We often joke that it would take far too much effort to start over and train someone new! We are still discovering things about each other. I finally told him (without weasel-wording) that I have a fear of abandonment…and that when we are mountain-biking he goes off biking ahead of me so far I cannot call him, I feel a lot of anxiety. You would have thought that two people who have been communicating for more than 21 years would have crossed this bridge already…but… I guess I was afraid to put it out there. Everyone grows throughout the relationship. I don’t think it ever really stops.
I guess all of this aimless rambling is due to some of the comments about meeting “just the right person” with all of the required qualities. I guess I believe that relationships are a form of exploration and discovery. Am I being too clinical and detached???!!!
WOW!!! That’s all I can say because I’ve lived through a similar situation, and it too left me speecless.
I was in a very similar relationship for almost 2 years and I still have dreams in which I am back together with him. In my dreams I am never completely happy, though. You are better off without him.
normally just a lurker, but this one got me right in the heart. i did the same thing you did a few years ago, now that boy just got married, and i’m getting married to someone else, and i finally don’t think about him every single day. just every once in a while.
Wow.
’nuff said.
wow,this hit me hard coz today I have been thinkimg of my own J and how he really felt about me. I kind of hope he didn’t really love me. It makes being here now easier.
wow,this hit me hard coz today I have been thinking of my own J and how he really felt about me. I kind of hope he didn’t really love me. It makes being here now easier.
Is there something in the air? Is it the terror of the bombings? I got a letter from an ex from 6 years ago. Telling me he still loved me. Wanting me back, but me knowing better now. My question to these men/guys/boys is… Why can’t you appreciate me here and now? Why can’t you love me now? And not a year from now.
if nothing else, at least now you know that the three years meant something… it seems kinda sad though because by telling you all that he was definitely giving you closure…
Just found your blog yesterday, and I’m hooked.
Been going through something very similar to your early stages of life w/J lately, and I’m glad to see you got some closure.
Boys are *so* stupid. Sigh.
that sounds like over. real over. not jusy physically not together any more but in the heart, it’s over, oh, okay, good. that’s an excellent feeling. enjoy it.
I just discovered your site, and was so moved by this that I spent the morning huddled in my cubicle trying to hide from my coworkers that I was reading the first year of your posts. I can relate…big time. I guess it’s good to know that you mattered, it’s just sad that it took him so long to say it.
i say this b/c i’ve been reading you for awhile now and feel like an overprotective friend – i hate that he said that to you, and i feel he has no right to after all this time. i’m a firm believer in letting things go and not looking back. as scarlet o’hara once said, “don’t look back. it will drag at your heart until you can’t do anything but look back.” on that note, i sincerely wish you the best in everything you do from here on out (even if that may involve the occasional looking back):)
Have to say, you got me misty. As a guy. Not just your story, but the memories of exes I have and some of the odd, reality defying relationships i still have. of conversations i have that mean so much to me and not to them and vice versa. Of the way we both moved on and yet still remember the intimacy we had together, unspoken like dirty laundry.
Of all the things we never understand about each other and still accept. Who CAN get through life without baggage? And who would be able to travel far without it.
JDP
Seriously, please write a book.
I would buy it the day it came out.
Oh the truth that comes with love chased with alchohol.
Makes you feel loved and lost, happy and a little bit of sad. Now, you know. And *knowing* is timeless.
This one got me. Thank you for writing it. I am currently ‘in it’ with a J and wondering all the time if I mean anything at all to him. I wish I was where Amanda is now. I wish I knew what that felt like.
ladies, damn it, we’re worth it. I’M WORTH IT. i remain firm in my resolve and swear that it is possible, and i will, find someone who will see my worth in the here and now, not several years after the fact, not after we have left them.
J sounds like he hasn’t changed one iota. He’s a player. Every girl wants to believe she’s the one…secretly. How insulting to the woman he’s with now that he says such things to you. And what bullshit it is. Such easy flattery. The words he said to you he’s said before and he’ll say them again as the girlfriends go by.
Katherine, you’re an ANGRY little person, aren’t you?
torrie, if she put out a book, i’d get myself put on the waiting list a week before like the new harry potter book.
maybe if we all wish hard enough…
Do people not understand that adults can and should be adults about relationships. Not knowing anyone involved personally, sounds to me like Trish is mature enough to know that J and Fish had something special, and it doesn’t have to be about comparing relationships, or whose connection is better, or whatever, any relationship you have is going to be different and fulfill different desires and needs. She knows what she and J share and as long as all parties involved are honest, and Fish knows them and believes this to be true. I admire Trish for not being petty, and J and Fish for valueing eachother despite their past, life is too short.
Like I”ve said before, I have/had a “J”, except mine was an “N” – I’m very, very happily married now, not to my “N”, but I can definitely see where your J is coming from. My N got me – and I got him – in ways my husband probably never will, but that is really so very okay. We connected on some very, very deep level, and we were very much in love, but that doesn’t mean that we should have ended up together. N and I are significantly more different than alike, in practically every way.
We shared something very special, in the past, and it doesn’t take anything away from my marriage or from his new relationship, either. I think that actually, it made us better people and better parters going forward.
brendan, my x from oh so very long ago, recently told me that i was the best thing in his life and he will never love anyone that same way that he loved me. it was very touching and very appreciated. it also made ME feel very bad for the shit way I treated him.
So I am in it right now. For four years I haven’t been able to see, to know that he loves me. Things are falling apart, maybe ending, maybe rebeginning, but rough no matter the title. I hope that he can have his three-water-three-sheets-to-the-wind epiphany now rather than three years later. I know that all these strong, moved on women might sniff and lump me in with “those girls,” but I do hope that he realizes the love before it is lost, rather than after.
I have just started reading, and am literarily dazzled by your images and turn of phrase and hitting the feeling on the head. Kudos.
Wow Fish! this is really an incredible story. And so uplifting. I especially enjoyed reading Ben’s take on it. Sort of the his’n'her versions. Incredible that even in Ben’s version of the story-the real meaning is in the differences between the things we hold onto and the smallest details they choose to remember. Great posting!
*sobs*
Now that is one sad story.
is this a preview of what’ll happen when Ben meets someone that he’s in love with/loves? in the sense that he seems to “get you” in a deep deep way, and vice versa. Just curious.
well written, regardless.
Perhaps. But I don’t like to think about it.
Thank you fish for putting into words what my heart feels.
Right now I feel sad and rather empty and the wondering will keep you awake at night, but alas this too shall pass…..or perhaps just not sting anymore.
http://journals.aol.com/steveandrhiannon/rhiz
The same has happened to me. Nice, in a way, to know I’m not alone.
Actually, it happened with the man I’m currently dating. He broke my heart five years ago and I had always assumed I had misjudged what was going on. We hooked up again late last year and this time it’s no-holds-barred love.
You really never know what will happen (or just what’s going on!)
People drink IPA outside Scotland? What the hell happened there? How good are we!