Sometimes I have dark fantasies about ending it all with one well-placed paper cut.
I’d use the good, thick stock. A quick, deep gouge in say, the jugular, and my head would slump forward onto the desk, filling my keyboard with gore. When they found my limp body hours later over a stack of bloodied TPS reports, then they’d be sorry for driving me fucking insane. Ah, yes. I can hear the mournful sobbing now.
Weep! Weep you slave driving bastards!
But back in reality, there’s no end in sight. Not even one at the merciful end of a piece of 80-pound cardstock. But there is email. And it’s the only saving grace in my day. Were I an AOL user, I imagine I’d equate that automatic you’ve got mail with a choir of angels.
The PWSWM (pictured below) perfected the art of the Rapid Fire Email. Witty exchanges flew between six computers with such speed that if you were down on your game, you were left for dead. Only the strong survived.
(clockwise: shiv, krissa, kate, me, biscuit & jen)
Ari and I resort to instant messenger like brevity in a staccato of emails to the tune of:
lol no way seriously? brb lunch
Someone else (who shall remain nameless lest she kill me) and I compose Victorian novellas in likewise lightning speed. For a girl who’s never read Jane Eyre or Wuthering Heights, she’s astoundingly good at descriptions of gray-eyed, moor-wandering, melancholy strangers. That shit is off the hook. You know, in the extra nerdy way.
But yesterday, heaven seemed quiet. No you’ve got mail all afternoon. Even work-related email was sporadic enough that I was getting a little twitchy with a box of heavy stationery. Then my gmail inbox grew by one.
{insert angel chorus here}
Not only was the conversation was a welcome distraction, it produced the following, which probably saved me from insanity and certain death:
Dutch: blah blah blah….LOL (which means fun in Dutch).
Heather: Pshah. What do the Dutch know?
Dutch: Uh, EVERYTHING. We started the city you live in. We invented the CD. We invented Nutella and love. So there.
Heather: I Googled it. I can find nothing that says the Dutch invented love.
Dutch: Google isn’t always perfect. Clearly it missed this academic masterpiece:
Work may have gone on for a few more hours (it was a twelve-hour day), but the effects of out-lasted the grind. I was still laughing this morning. ‘Cause, you gotta admit, that shit is very much off the hook. You know, in the extra nerdy way.
You’re so ghetto. You know, in the extra nerdy way.
I’m appreciative that the shape of Texas is considered something beautiful.
i am acutely aware of the desperate need for extracurricular email in the workplace. if not for that contact with the outside world, i’d be hoping for 80 lb cardstock, too!! no doubt.
Quite probably, your best post ever.
Also, you’re hot. You know, in the extra nerdy way.
I just found your blog because it was recommended to me by someone else. Love the entries so far!
I was just blogging about this myself the other day. OK…so maybe my post is a little whiny, but I very much understand what you’re going through! I live for the “you have 1 new message” moments.
Mad props to the Dutch for inventing Nutella.
Word up.
This is how we talk in da hood. (Da hood being the Upper East Side of Manhattan)
I feel so proud to be Dutch after reading this post =)
The Italians invented Nutella, I believe… and that shit IS off the chain.
Great post.
Hey there Wes.
I too am full of admiration and not a little bit of justified awe concerning the illustrious PWSWM.
The QFEs are just too Q for me.
There’s also the Heineken. I can’t buy or even pass a case of Heineken without thinking, ‘Man, I love the dutch.’ I didn’t know they invented love though. I mean, certainly in Amsterdam they’ve cornered the market in it, but I didn’t know they were actually pioneers in the subject. Hm. They did invent olliebollen, which is the precursor to the modern ‘bearclaw’ donut, known here in Canada as a ‘dutchie’. And the circle of life… is complete.
You lot are so cute. You know, in a nerdy kind of way.
I just love reading your blog…..thanks for the giggle this a.m.
Christina
I have fantasies about paper-cutting people to death….
the dutch aparently invented some wierd shit too… last time i was there, i ordered a grilled ham cheese and pear sandwich. i thought that maybe they got something wrong in the translation on the menu, but nope, they had it right! actually, it wasn’t half bad either!
Oops…hit cancel instead of post.
NO extracurricular email here at work. Security issues (big, derisive cynical laugh).
Blogging my escape. Love yours. Really enjoyed Wuthering Heights, too. I suggest Romance in The Forest by Ann Radcliffe (1791)–and yes that’s the correct publication date.
Blessings!
Love your insights on everyday life. I come back time and again to see what you’ve got to say for today! Great stuff.
Death by paper cut? It wouldn’t kill you, but it would sting like hell. There wouldn’t be much blood either. Even if you did die at your desk as a result of a paper cut, the slave drivers only tend to care insofar as not wanting to have to actually interview anybody to replace you. If they could replace you with no fuss, then your corpse would quickly be on it’s way to becoming the next batch of Soylent Green without them shedding a tear.
If the paper cut method fails and there is no IM to rescue you, watch this. Works for me… in a very wrong but funny way. *wink*
I used to work as the marketing director for a small symphony in Texas. At the time, our music director/conductor was Dutch. He wore his graying mane in a pony tail, played fine jazz trombone, and taught me to pronounce gouda cheese correctly (it’s like HOW-da, not GOO-da).
And not only did the Dutch give us Nutella, they also invented Duo Penotti, which is a chocolate/hazelnut spread in two separate but equal layers. Even better than Nutella (in the extra nerdy way, of course).