I was going to start off by saying, You know the type. But actually, no, you couldn’t possibly.
The first time I saw him, I knew. The body language, the physique, the face that said, I am what that movie Deliverance is all about. I’d only been a member for a few days, but one look told me I’d already identified the Gym Weirdo and that I must do everything in my power to avoid him.
While other folks were going about their normal gym routines, Weirdo was attempting to do chin-ups from the exposed ceiling beams. He’d take a bit of a running start, leap, and then hang from the rafters while scanning the room to see who was watching.
I kept my gawking undercover. I felt it was best not to let my staring be mistaken for appreciation of his unique skill or worse… romantic interest.
While hanging from the ceiling (did I mention the grunting?) may have been one of the more bizarre tricks, he also had a litany of other obnoxious Look at Me behavior. One day, he stopped in front of the treadmill I was using and started shouting at the TV monitor. Something about basketball recaps really got this guy worked up. Clearly, he wanted attention, and I was having none of it. I suddenly became utterly transfixed with an episode of Texas Justice.
God, do I love the law.
Twice he’s tried talking to me and twice I’ve simply been too engrossed with the magic sounds coming out of my iPod to hear him.
Anyway, today the Gym Weirdo was at it again. From my elliptical machine vantage point, I could see him in the free weights area spastically pretending to slam dunk a basketball. And I do mean spastically. I watched for a bit as I always do, intending to look away before he noticed, but… well, I messed up. I got lazy! And before I could turn my attention back to CNN, we’d made eye contact. Fuck!
Heather and the Gym Weirdo sittin’ in a tree…
I finished my workout and tried to forget about it, but when I came up to the street level entrance, there he was. I scrambled for my earphones, but it was too late.
“I’ve been waiting for you.”
Oh god, oh god. I’ve been waiting for you? That’s what the crazy says before you get all slashed up and become the subject a Lifetime TV movie. I used to have a TV once; I know how these things go.
“What’s your name?
“Uh, Heather.”
Heather? Why can’t I learn to say Becky or Jennifer when I’m being cornered by a stranger with a disturbing lack of personal space? I should have tons of practice by now. I mean, we’ve all met the Airport Weirdo and the Amtrak Weirdo. If I can’t avoid them, I should simply develop an alternate identity and stick with it.
Hi, I’m Becky. I’m a Leo who loves cooking, Russian history and cats. I have seven communicable diseases.
“I’m Kennedy,” he said, revealing a mouth full of summer teeth.
With a flourish, he swung open the glass door on the left. I plunged my earphones into my ears and pushed through the opposite door.
“Okay. Bye.”
Rude? Maybe. Okay, not maybe. Totally. But when all signs point to Leave me alone! and still he persists, there is no room for politeness. If I had let it go any further, he could make going to the gym a completely miserable experience for me.
And we all know that’s what squats are for.
I’m sorry
I’ll wear my special spandex shorts next time, maybe you will changeyour mind? I’m nice you know
That’s funny. The wife and I are presently watching Dodge Ball, Steven Root’s character comes to mind. My wife can send you pepper spray if you think the need is there, she loads up on the shit like Dogg The Bounty Hunter.
Another lurker revealed…
Priceless post!!! I couldn’t stop laughing!!!
you don’t have a TV?! and what in the world are summer teeth?
some are teeth, some aren’t. uh huh! still wonderin’ about the TV thang though.
Summer teeth: Some are here, some are there.
No, I don’t have a TV. I know. Crazy.
[fill in the location] weirdos, hate when they make a favorite hangout no longer anywhere you want to go near. sounds like you handled it just as the situation called for.
sorry, but it does beg the next question: WHY don’t you have a TV? just curious. is it political or spiritual or the principle of the thing?
Ah, another toothless wonder. Where do these types come from? Under a rock? Good luck avoiding him/it.
Dear Kelsi:
You’re mean for no good reason. I’m glad you don’t live in NYC too.
Love, Biscuit
Speaking of people just trying to get attention… (*cough* Kelsi *cough*)
Good luck avoiding the gym weirdo. Makes for a funny story, though!
What’s up with all the nasty *kelsi*? Small penis syndrom I bet..
You’re a freak, go stalk someone else. I can not stand when freaks find a blog to bitch, kelsi go have your own blog and stay away freak! Better yet, I am sorry you relate so well, I am sure your a gym wirdo as well.
I don’t have a TV, either.
Looks like you have a Blog Troll Weirdo, too.
You know you’re normal. Kelsi on the other hand…
Thanks for sharing Gym Weirdo with us. Personally, I don’t make eye contact with shopping centre sprukers. That’s dangerous. There’s money involved.
Well you have to give Kelsi some credit for saying ‘cunt’ on a website that is clearly pink.
Credit, that is, for expanding my definition of ‘inappropriate’ quite considerably.
Mike, I hope someone sprays pepper spray into your face. The guy is obviously a loner and just wants someone to talk with – that in no way makes him a danger. You are just suggesting that assault is a good way to deal with guys who are loners.
You all need to chill! No one’s really going to pepper spray anyone — it’s just a story!
Heather, the comments…they’re getting painful to read. Is it the iVillage-thing? Can you control this at all? (Ready to fight for ya, girl.)
I have less control than even I thought. But seriously, people need to ignore the comments only meant to incite. This is ridiculous.
A guy I used to work with had a “gym weirdo” of his own – the guy used to work himself until sweat poured off onto whatever machine he was using (which of course he did not clean), usually punctuating his workouts with grunts and meaningless comments apparently directed at his invisible workout buddies….. Never saw the guy myself, but I TOTALLY understood!
And definitely not rude to walk away like that. Just because someone wants to talk to you doesn’t mean the feeling is mutual.
Poor guy. I kind of feel bad for him, but not really.
I don’t know what summer teeth are, but they sound terrifying.
That’s not the Mystery Man, is it?
Wow, Kelsi. Have some pent-up aggression to unpent? Take it out on someone who deserves it, huh?
Oh My Gosh…do I ever relate to that story!! There is one in every gym!!
I love the “movies on Lifetime” and the “why can’t I think of a fake name?” bits.
Doing my best to ignore the hateful comments but they still make me cringe. Why are people so angry?
I have one of those at my gym too. He grunts and preens in front of the mirror while doing a routine that looks like it came from Karate Kid.
And this is why I work out on the convenience of my living room floor.
hey luke, i read on your blog that you have “Paranoid Personality Disorder” and were talking to your psychiatrist about it. maybe you should talk about it a little more and bring your comment here in for your next session.
awww Luke, you are only 16 it says. let me pinch your cheeks
I have my doubts that the real Luke actually posted that comment. He’s a super great kid, whom I like a lot.
But even so, please DO NOT use the comment boxes to snip at one another. PLEASE.
Stick to the topic, ignore the randoms and we’ll all get along just fine.
Heather and Gym Weirdo sitting in a tree!?
Must you bring back all of these terrible middle school memories for me??
Hilarious post. My gym weirdo wears a wrestling singlet. N-i-c-e.
I think is smart to be aware of uncomfortable situations. If you feel is wrong, then it IS wrong and it doesn’t matter being rude. You are taking care of yourself.
And I do not think a loner waits for someone to be with them. Because of the loner part, you know?
And finally, it sucks you do not have too much control over the comments
Haha, great story! I think every girl has had a situation like this at some point or another. Don’t let Gym Weirdo figure out your workout schedule…there’s a guy at my gym who seems to be there every time I’m there! Always trying to make conversation while I’m on the treadmill. Not wanting to talk to someone has nothing to do with being snobby, you can’t be interested in everyone!
Oh come on, can’t a guy get some love?
“it sucks you do not have too much control over the comments”
Do you really have no control over the comments – you can’t even delete comments?
H – OMG! Too Funny! I agree with Nicole – just sent an email rant about gym weirdos to some girlfriends last week! One of ours is a woman, who sings out loud to her mp3. LOUD out loud. Have to say, as long as they aren’t making eye contact (or on the machine right next to you) it does make the gym more interesting, like a microcosm of society. If he corners you again, just say that you aren’t at the gym to meet people, you just want to do your workout in peace and be left alone. A little straightforward honesty goes a long way. Good Luck
Ah, the Gym Weirdo. Every gym’s got one.
I personally like to play the “Spot the Guy Working Out in Street Clothes” game. Try it sometime!
Or the “Watch the Gym Newbie’s face as they start up the stairclimber next to She-who-climbs-for-an-hour-and-goes-through-three-teeshirts-and-stinks-of-rotting-vegetables until they can’t take it and get off” game. ::shudder::
I think your response to Gym Weirdo was spot on. Sometimes, particularly as women, we are too nice… even to weirdos who don’t deserve it. Like z. said, trust your instincts.
I was trying to find a copy of the link for that email calendar that went around awhile back – it had a different guy for each month, and many had “summer teeth!” Those were some charmers, let me tell you!
Unfortunately, I couldn’t find it…..
Fun story! Personally, I will engage the weirdo despite not wanting to, because I feel guilty and snobbish if I don’t. I usually regret it, and end up avoiding the weirdo at all costs thereafter. Too bad the weirdo was my uncle last weekend. Now I have double the guilt.
I’ve always been a “treadmill-in-the-back-bedroom” runner and the only gym weirdo I encounter is my two year old. she actually looks at ME like I’m the freak (why is mommy running so hard and going no where? why doesn’t she run to the fridge and get me a popcicle?).
But once… i was in a hotel gym and said weirdo was on the treadmill next to me. he flexed, pointed (double hands, six-shooter style), yee-hawed (we weren’t even in texas), grunted, flexed some more and intermittently looked over and winked at me in a “yeah baby” fashion that cut my workout short that morning… I thought it was a fluke, NO IDEA it is a naturally occuring gym phenomenom!
Fish, I just started reading your blog and LOVE it!! I can totally realte to your post. My gym weirdo, with the 80′s zebra spandex pants, decided to take the vacant treadmill right next to me last night. Needless to say my iPod was too loud to hear whatever conversation he was trying to have with me. People may think I’m snobby, but my husband loves me that way
Loved the post!
Oh, this is too funny. I guess you’d be Gym Dork if you tried to wear sunglasses so you could keep an eye on all the people without making eye contact. Definitely trust your instincts.
Hey Fish. So honestly, not making this one up, but yesterday I was at the gym and I just got off the elliptical when guy chased me down to ask me what cure I was racing for. What cure was I racing for? He’d used my Juvenile Diabetes walk t-shirt as his pickup line. ugh.
Gee whiz, you suggest a little pepper spray and everyone get’s in your face. I didn’t think my pepper spray comment would be that inflamitory (pun intended). Of course the other side of the coin is the fact that strangers are strangers and in a large city, better safe than sorry, especially in the evening.
Gyms are nothing for weirdos…my “gym” is a ballroom…weirdos flock to them as an exuse to hold (and yes, occasionally cop a feel) women.
At least there we have a neat trick of “accidently” elbowing the creepiest ones in the sternum when need be.
Uh oh. I think I’m the gym weirdo! I go to this one class I have no affinity for or even capability to do just so I can watch the instructor’s sweet, sweet ass. I hope he’s not on to me.
You’re not talking about me, are you? Your picture looks like a girl that goes to my gym . . .
Also, I hate the elliptical. I’d do the treadmill and bike for twice as long rather than do the elliptical. Blech, I hate it, worst machine ever, it’s like an advanced torture device.
I knew it wasn’t you, Luke. The comment has been deleted.
I would think I shouldn’t have to say this but — from now on, all comments using fraudlent ID’s will be removed. And for that matter, so will all the comments containing the “C” word. Gross.
I had a guy creepily staring in the dvd section of Wal-Mart the other day. I finally got totally wigged out so I walked away but he leaned around the aisle to watch me! I don’t blame your ‘rudeness’ some people do not pick up on social cues at all!
Just when I was thinking about joining the gym again. So, it’s all your fault I won’t be getting those abs of steel anytime soon. (or that’s the excuse I’ll use until something else comes along)
hey fish, i just have to say…..about the new site and all…..i still love it and i’ll probly still be a regular reader just because your stuff is so funny/heart wrenching/everything else good. But i guess i could compare you to jewel, i still love you and i’m still loyal i suppose, but you kind of sold out! i liked it better before i had to read ads about cereal and counseling. but i guess you do what you have to do and for that i can’t hate. money is money….and this is my two cents.
This is a fabulous vignette! Honestly, your sense of humor is wonderful. Last night I watched (covertly) an acquaintance try to mount a parking meter. He actually took a running start. I was sitting there thinking, “I don’t know any women who would WANT to do this.”
And, I wanted to tell you that I fell into an emotional sinkhole a few weeks ago and spent two days reading everything you’ve ever written here. It was such a blessing and your stories (especially, I have to say, the saga of J. and your…total recovery) are absolute gems.
Thank you. Thank you.
Amanda: As Bono said, “Selling out is doing something you don’t really want to do for money.”
I’m actually doing something I love for money. And who’s gonna argue with Bono?
And thanks for stickin’ around even though you hate the ads and find yourself strangely compelled to eat shitloads of Special K.
Gross, I hope Gym Creep-o doesn’t bother you again. By the way, what are “summer teeth”?
What? selling out because she is getting paid to do something she loves… people would kill to get paid to do this… someone should not be made to feel guilty!
I say keep going… get BIGGER and even BIGGER ads… I’ll sift through to find your writing.
Are people on T.V. sell outs because they’re are commercials? Are people in movies because of previews?
I love to teach children… and they even pay me for doing it… does that make me a sell out?
Sell, Sell, Sell please keep “selling out” it is an imspiration to the rest of us.
why do you think fish and SK generate such animosity? is it just the people commenting that have the issue, or do you think it could be something they write that would illicit such genuine hostility? Look at GW, do you think the hatred that he generates is simply an issue with those that despise him, or is it more related to his actions? (he is merely an example).
I guess my point is that in my travels in life, i have found that when people generate a lot of hatred, they usually need to look in the mirror first before simply deciding that everyone else is f#cked up, and they are in no way at fault for the existence of such behavior.
And for the commenters who would like to see all negative feedback censored, would you agree that total censorship should be the law of the land regarding any negative commentary? again, use of the C word and other profanity is up for censorship, but why should bloggers be immune from people with dissenting views voicing their opinions
Okay, the GW example alone illustrates how vastly blown out proportion this all is. My influence? Far less reaching than say, THE PRESIDENT. Come on, now. You’re just being silly.
I’m not going to argue with you. I know exactly who and what I am. Good and bad.
And for the record? This is not SK’s blog. Frankly, half the people reading those ridiculous comments don’t even know who she is. You got something to say about her, say it to her and drop the internet politics. I have no more patience for it. Comments regarding Stephanie will no longer be tolerated.
Stick to voicing your opinions to the topic of the day, or send me good old fashioned hate mail to fish@thisfish.com. Thanks.
I was having the same thought tonight when the man with the handlebar mustache came over and started grunting as he did crunches. I didn’t check out his teeth though.
what’s a “gym???”
Hmmm…. makes me glad I don’t get my exercise in a gym. No…instead I practice Karate and Iaido (Japanese Sword drawing) and wierdos don’t last long in the dojo. No, we don’t cut them in half… or beat them to a pulp or anything… just seems as if their issues get resolved or they leave after a short time. Unless you believe that *we* all must be wierdos for doing what we do during a practice
Or perhaps I have reached “that age” when weirdos are no longer interested in me….
Or when they approach, I look them straight in the eye, and they decide that they would be a lot safer somewhere else… (mwaaaahaahaaahaaa!!!!)
Oh, accidental eye contact. Honey, I feel for ya. I’ve been there myself. Maybe he’ll get the message and back off. Otherwise one of you is going to have to leave or alter your workout schedule. Mine quit coming to the gym after I told him I was married (which I am, but I was sans ring at the time).
How come it’s never the seemingly normal drop-dead gorgeous guy with great smile?
Love the story. Seen the type. Thankfully, not been the type.
Is this why women never make eye contact with me in the supermarket as I inspect melons seductively? Here I thought I was being a conscientious shopper making sure they were ripe.
I have say I only viewed this blog as I googled ‘best blog design’ or some such phrase and this blog was came up. Goodness knows why, the design is pretty awful in my view. As for the content (dreadful snobbery it seems), well if one cannot say anything nice one should not say anything at all.
hey, don’t bring my name into this. i don’t want him stalking me.
damn, i hate making eye contact sometimes, for the very reason you mentioned. i feel your pain in attracting weirdos. even though i’m married (to one. heh!).
OK, remove the “SK” from my comment, and the question is still unanswered. If you cant take questions or criticism, get out of the blog business fish, or move to a forum where you only get smoke blown up your arse (but truthfully, i dont know of such a place in the real world). my comment was not rude, it was not beligerent, and it was not hostile. it was merely a question, and while there was a point to it (that just MAYBE the content of your posts is at least partially responsible for the occasional negative feedback you receive), it doesnt merit your snide response.
maybe you need to reinsert your comment protocol (which could much more succinctly be stated as “unless you are going to tell me how a wonderful i am, dont bother posting).
Keep comments to the “topic” of the day, now that is just downright comical. did the comment about how the reader doesnt like the ivillage format but still “loves” you apply to the topic of the day? i think not, so if nothing else, make your arguments sound.
and i guess the comment about you selling out, and more importantly (because i am sure this is the only reason you kept that particulaar comment was for reference by the comment which follows, or because you are no longer able to delete people exercising their freedom of speech, remember that concept, its in the bill of rights) the comment staunchly defending you with regard to that subject also somehow apply to the topic of the day.
Funny, i would have thought todays topic was about some stalker in the gym, not about your motivation for blogging. And please spare me the “if you dont like my blog, dont read it” response, because i dont have the patience for such diversionary tactics. if you say keep the comments to the topic of the day, then address everyone who stays from that premise, not just the people that seem to be implying that you are not their hero.
We’ve got a guy (60 or so) like that at our gym. Anything that is female and between 17-21 he latches right on to. And I thought I was the only one seeing everything I wanted and couldn’t have and not wanting the 4% of what I get to pick from. It ain’t much. Five years ago I would actively scan the gym for potential prospects but no longer…getting motivated to run and think about whatever else is going on has kept me going to the gym and loving it. Getting wrapped up in people who will most likely be out of your life in 6 months makes exercise a short-lived habit.
No One Special:
Are you done yet? The freedom of speech you love to tout is a guarantee from the government, not from me. And even then, it applies only to what are known as public forums, which this not.
At the bottom of this page, you will find Terms of Service. They apply whether you like them, agree to them or not. I still have the power to delete. Test it.
You want to criticize bloggers and call them to Jesus? Get your own blog to do it and stop popping in here just to leech off someone else’s audience.
LOVE this post. As a sixteen year old gym-goer, I get a fair amount of unwanted attention. I try to keep my eyes on the TV screen (the cooking channel– yesss), but sometimes accidental eye contact is unavoidable.
Also, I hope you don’t let the sudden, completely uncalled for influx of negativity stop you from blogging. There are still a ton of us out there who think you’re fabulous.
Part 1
I haven’t told this story in a while, but since it’s so directly on topic…A few years back I met some friends at a sports bar. One of my friends went to a table where he saw two women sitting and joined their conversation. Within minutes, he waved me over to keep the conversation going, so I went over and sat with them. After a minute or two, the women and I had the following conversation:
Woman(to me):actually, I know you.
Me: oh yeah, from where?
W: we work out at the same gym.
M: the one in Shoreline?
W: yeah.
W(turning to her friend now): And he walks around with his weight belt on and thinks he’s too cool to talk to anyone…
M: (smiling but a little confused): what are you talking about?
W: you don’t talk to any of the women in the gym.
M: wait a minute-all I hear is women complaining that they can’t go to the gym and get in their workout without being hit on.
W: well, you don’t have to hit on them but you can say “hello”.
W(turning to friend):don’t you love it when they grovel?
Part 2
(this is a continuation…)
Woman: well, now that we’ve met I don’t think this, but I can tell you that I, and probably every other woman in that gym sees you and thinks “well, he looks great but he’s obviously such a conceited asshole I’d never want to meet him”.
At this point the bar was closing and we all got up to leave, but her friend made me promise to talk to her next time I saw her in the gym, which was kind of funny because I would have wanted to meet her anyway, and the last thing stopping me would have been the idea that I was somehow above her. Alas, I never did see her again. But the point is, I was coming off as a “conceited asshole” because I wasn’t stopping and talking to women I didn’t know during their workouts. Not sneering or cutting in line at the water fountain, mind you, just not talking to them.
Maybe it’s not such a mystery that men are confused all the time.