When I went to bed last night, I left a light on in the kitchen.
You know, to go with the one I’d turned on in the living room. And the one over the sink in the bathroom. I checked the closets a good half dozen times and then stood in the hallway deciding what to do with the bathroom door: Which is less scary – open or closed?
I decided closed.
On Law and Order when the cops go door to door after someone’s been killed, the neighbors act blasé about the whole thing – sometimes even annoyed at the disruption. Again? Is it too much to ask that folks refrain from being victimized while Letterman is on? I felt anything but blasé. Though, once I shut my door, I did eventually go back to my movie. But only after making sure the blinds were closed so tightly that not a sliver of light would peek through.
My windows overlook the apartment where it happened. Which is why I heard what I heard. And why I can’t seem to go near them without my hands shaking.
I thought for sure I would have nightmares last night. But since it turns out that you actually have to fall asleep to have nightmares… Well, in a way, I got off easy. Even if today was hard. First days at work are rough enough on a good night’s sleep and I remember all but forty or so minutes of last night.
My brain says that I shouldn’t be scared. There are cops on the roof and pooping in and out of every floor and a gaggle of reports just outside the front door. What’s going to happen? Nothing. But my heart leaps every time there’s a noise in the hallway or a squeak of the floorboards as Sir Hal goes about his nightly wanderings. My imagination takes the images that the media has constructed, the look I saw on the detective’s face, the sound of yelling and the shrillness of dogs barking and plays upon every detail until I can quite literally see my heart beating through my tank top.
Reporters on the sidewalk wanted to know if having someone murdered in my building makes me feel unsafe. Something in me needed to take her notebook and fling it into the street and yell, Shame on you! Shame on you for exploiting people’s fear! You’re a woman; do you live alone?
Instead I ducked behind the policeman and said I had a bus to catch.
The part of my personality that hates a drama queen has been refusing all the kind offers from friends offering couches or even entire vacated apartments, knowing that it’s really not necessary. But the part of me that cries at scary movies, the part that doesn’t so much mind the drama queen, well, she declines with a greater hesitation.
She’s also the one who just chased a Tylenol PM with a shot of bourbon… after checking the hall closet one more time.
meant to wish u luck for ur first day at the new job. how did it go?
sleep tight fishy
It went really well, thanks. I’ll be sure to post more about it later when things calm down.
Oh my! I am so sorry! I can’t imagine what you’re going through. So sorry.
Sweet dreams and I hope they find the guy who did it! Stay safe.
Dooooooooofus! Get your ass over here! We can have a schoolnight sleepover!
Fish, I think you’re very brave! Way to hold down the fort! I’m glad you have Sir Hal the watch cat by your side.
Hope you feel better soon!
The link to the story about the murder doesn’t work. Can you fix it? I’d love to get the backstory.
H – hope you continue to feel comfortable again in your own place. I’ll keep you in my prayers along with the victim’s family.
My best on your new job. Can’t wait to hear about it.
to George: just take out the word “media” and the extra “http//” and it’ll work.
Fish – I’m a dedicated reader but first-time commenter and just want to say I’m sorry! I hope things get back to normal soon.
The link to the story meant to be:
http://nydailynews.com/front/story/369731p-314532c.html
Best of luck with the new job and I hope you get a good night’s sleep soon.
Hey there, been reading your blog for a while but never commented before.
I’d be so creeped out if something like that happened near me… I think you’re showing a lot of strength just by sticking it out there instead of going to stay somewhere else… I’m sure it feels kinda silly to be afraid, but a murder is a big thing, and it’s not surprising for it have a large effect on you…
Anyway, hope you get some sleep and things get back to normal soon.
Wishing you a peaceful night’s sleep… and a safe santuary for you and Hal…
they are POOPING in and out of the hall??
I wish you good luck. Lightning rarely strikes in the same place twice, unless you live under a tall steeple.
Momo-
I’m laughing so hard at that typo that I’m leaving it in. So damn funny.
Fish,
I check the closests a few times and the basement and under the bed, before I can fall asleep. And there hasn’t been any crime near me that I know of in the last two years.
In the ‘good ole days’ they said that bourbon or whiskey solved most problems, why not insomnia
Good for you to get through your fear and face it head on! Your safety is in my thoughts and prayers.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while but haven’t commented much, if ever. but I just had to tell you that the local news in Columbus, Ohio mentioned Ms. Woods’ murder this morning because she is the daughter of the band director at OSU. when I heard the story, I just knew it had to be the same person from your post yesterday. what an amazing coincidence.
anyway, I hope you’re feeling better. and I really love your blog. you’re such a great writer!
take care.
Not that this is any consolation, but with the heightened police presence, you’re probably in the safest building in the city for at least a day or two…. Stay safe, chica!
my parents’ home recently got broken into. it’s terrible to feel so invaded, to be so close to it. it’s ok to ask for a lil bit o help. that’s what friends are for. i’m sure you’d do the same for them. all the best to you.
i too saw the comment about the cops pooping in and out of every floor and laughed so hard that milk came out my nose.
Now, what fun would it be starting a new job calm and well-rested? None at all. See, this is much better. And just think, you’re getting a good cardio workout without even leaving the apartment. All joking aside, I wish you well, and hope that everything returns to somewhat normal soon. Where does the line form to send you a hug?
the latest –
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/370019p-314707c.html
http://www.nypost.com/news/regionalnews/58553.htm
http://www.nynewsday.com/news/local/crime/nyc-stab1129,0,782941.story?coll=nyc-homepage-breaking2
What is it about that damned bathroom door (or any random door) and being ajar that is so terrifying? You are so right, open or shut. no in between!
Hope things calm down soon:)
Brilliant.
I encourage strangers, anyone really, to develop a sense that they know me.
I am a woman living alone, here is my address, by the way I just took a sedative with alcohol.
Brilliant.
[HUG]
A lurker here …
My husband recently had a gun pointed at him. The gun was less than a foot from his head and I was there to see it all. This didn’t happen right outside my house, but it was close enough to be an area I need to drive through on a daily basis. There are certainly things I have started doing differently these days…like make sure the doors to my car are locked when I am driving, close the window blinds at night, and I will no longer drive that route after dark. For awhile I really wanted to move, and then I just got angry. Angry that someone had the ability to make me dislike a house that I love, angry that I have to drive near that spot and think about it on a daily basis, angry that someone can have that kind of power over me. And then I just decided that I will not live in fear and I’m going to move on. Come to think of it, I didn’t even think about it on my drive to work this morning.
So take care of yourself, be smart, and do what you need to do, but don’t worry – the fear will subside.
Had I really just taken a sedative with alcohol, that might be a good excuse for the rather amusing typos in that post. But I didn’t. One, because I don’t like to *do* that. And two, because bourbon? Anyone who’s met me knows I’d never touch the stuff.
But, you know, the rest is true. Asshat.
Wow. That is rough! But, I would feel even more uncomfortable in someone elses home. I wonder why? I’d rather someone come stay with me. Get some sleep, though, even if you have to go to a hotel!
Fearful or otherwise, I commend you for writing through your emotions.
Hang in there. Bit by bit things will go back to normal. Whatever that means.
i was going to say that cops pooping on the roof is gross, but looks like someone beat me to it! dammit!
so some stuff is true, other stuff is not. people are writing sympathetic notes, and you are exaggerating your fears by making up stuff about taking tylenol PM and drinking. credibility had gone out the window. i imagine you waiting for your stalker to show, with a tape recorder so you can blog about it. “Here I am, come get me (what a great post this will make!)” Actually, you wouldn’t have a recorder, because that might tell what actually happened.
Nothing happened to you, but some other people have had their lives messed up terribly. I would hope you would show sympathy towards them instead of thinking about just your fears and inviting them to come true (giving us your address, etc). Who knows, maybe whoever killed her meant to come for you… you are making yourself a semi-public figure.
sigh* God, I know what you’re going through, but just remember you will be fine…no one is going to hurt you. The media doesnt make ANYTHING easier. With so much to read about, how does anyone stop themselves from looking it up?
Breathe.
Uh-oh, I can’t believe you would post something like that. Would you feel all warm and fuzzy if someone was murdered in the apartment below yours, and you heard it happen? Don’t be a dumbass.
Fish, I encourage you to continue to lock your doors and find another way to lock your windows too. There are uh-oh’s out there in the world, you know.
Ok..I did not see your comment “Uh Huh”..that is absolutely appalling.
I am truly sheltered. I could count on two hands with a few leftover fingers the number of murders that have happened in my hometown in my entire existence. And I live in a sheltered redneck part of the state now as well.
My thoughts are with you.
Sending you smiles and well-wishes.
Hang in there Fish
Having had a close friend who was murdered, I experienced nightly fear for some time afterward even when I was miles away from where she lived. It is natural that you are feeling scared because you now understand how someone’s life was taken viciously completely out of the blue. It is amazing how it affects strangers and the victims loved ones alike. Three years later I still cannot watch shows in which people are casually murdered because they do nothing to capture the fear and grief felt by the people nearby. Fish – count on your friends to keep you feeling safe. And my heart goes out to the victim’s family and friends. They are the ones who are truly suffering in this time.
I feel most terrible for her parents who *thought* their kid was out here in NYC living her dream. They were so proud of her and now they’re probably super confused on top of all this horrifying stuff they’re having to deal with.
hey uh huh you insensitive asshole,
Why would you be so cruel to someone who is obviously very distraught. A neighbor being murdered would be a pretty traumatic thing for most human beings!
Comments like that make me think you yourself have some psychotic tendencies. Get help and please don’t post your nonsense.
didn’t you read her comment that said she didn’t actually take a tylenol pm, and didn’t actually drink bourbon… she is not that distraught, she is making stuff up!
besides, people are murdered every day, they are all humans, they are all neighbors. yes, it is a reminder to be careful, to think of others… not an excuse to cull sympathy for YOURSELF, or to exaggerate your emotions for dramatic writing. or maybe it is… but i think it means more than that. I am just galled at the selfishness of making someone else’s murder all about YOU… and opening yourself to danger.
In 1991 my roomate was murdered. She was wearing clothes she borrowed from me. On my way to work an evening shift, I dropped her off at the train where she was to meet friends and go to a hair show. She didnt come home that night and by the following night I was mad and worried and mad that she hadnt called and worried some more. The following afternoon as I was calling her friends and place of employment …I caught the news. A body had been found under some brush at the edge of town by a kid. It never occured to me that it would be her …but it was. The killer was never caught …still haunts me to this day.
Derek – Don’t feel like you have to defend yourself, man.
Uh Huh- No, I said I didn’t drink bourbon. But last year’s leftover peppermint schnapps didn’t sound as good. I hardly think that qualifies as ‘making stuff up.’
You came to read a blog, which by definition is a myopic look at one person’s life. Read the newspaper if you want journalism.
Cathy — that’s awful! I’m so sorry.
I think that no matter what Fish writes at this point, people will have a problem with it.
She could say the sky is blue and people would argue and say she’s selfish.
AND FYI, Tylenol PM is BENADRYL mixed with a little Tylenol.
Not exactly a serious sedative.
Heh. True. On all points.
Thank GOD I didn’t tell them about mixing vicodin and vodka on Sunday evening. The hell THAT would raise.
since when did taking a little creative license ON YOUR OWN BLOG become against the law? hell if jayson blair can do it for the NEW YORK TIMES i think fish can about her own life.
sorry for all the trouble. especially that stirred up in a space that is suppose to be a safe place for you to vent your feelings.
i think we ALL need to work on having a little empathy.
i find myself, during the course of the day, haunted by what happened to your neighbor. i’ll pray that her family doesn’t hold any “stories” she told them against her and just tries instead to heal from their loss.
Not that it offers any form of comfort – and trust me, I wish that I could offer that right now – but I’d be much more concerned if you weren’t scared. I commend you for the bravery that you’re showing through the fear.
Head up, Fish, you’ve tons of people thinking of you right now.
That is horrible and I wouldn’t be able to sleep either. What a shame for her family. I hope they catch the SOB.
Seriously, posting venomous comments and then signing with a ridiculous made up handle rests credibility from your opinion. If you’re going to say it, own it.
Fish never indicated that she felt no sympathy for her neighbor or her family. Moreover, she can only relate what she is experiencing and how the murder is affecting her as she has no way of projecting what the family is suffering. To attempt to do so is hearsay at best.
This is a blog not a factual record, thus any creative license is utterly appropriate. If you do not care for it, do not read it–no one compels you to so.
Lastly, how on Earth can you criticize Fish for being insensitive then turn around and suggest that the attack may have been meant for her?? Pot, this is kettle. You’re black…
so sensitive…
Oh my God!!! I missed your entry on the 27th, so I started all this with your entry today. I hope you’re ok…that must be terribly frightening…my thoughts are with you, for whatever they’re worth.
I don’t understand how a boyfriend could walk into a room and see his girlfriend slain on the floor and not rush to her side and grab her and see if there’s a chance she’s alive. In other words, he should be COVERED in her blood. All this talk about him being blood-free which is indicative of his innocence. Oh yeah, that looks real innocent.
Here, here, Katherine!
We only know what Fish chooses to tell us. Assuming the worst about the things she hasn’t written about is troll behaviour. It’s rude and illogical.
As to credibility, words by their very nature are compromised. You cannot convey exactly what you feel by putting it into words because you can’t know what those words mean to the other people. If I say “car” do you visualize a Beetle or a Porsche? Playing with language and even facts can help a writer convey emotions better than a simple recitation of events. Good writers do it all the time.
Anyway, sorry for feeding the trolls Fish.
When you say Bourbon, I think bourbon. When you say you took sedatives, i think you took sedatives. Whn you say you really did neither, i think you lied. When you lie to get sympathy, I think that is sad.
Are you serious? Do you want to know quite literally what happened last night?
I took a Tylenol PM, but see, it was the kind without the Tylenol which is actually called Simply Sleep. When that wasn’t really working and I was still freaked out and anxious, I went to the kitchen for the bourbon that Biscuit and I had bought for the cranberry bourbon tarts waaay back in September. But see, the lid was all waxy and hard to open. But then, I saw on the top shelf, an old bottle of peppermint Schnapps that Shiv and I bought waaaay back last year for cocoa. I got it out, but then, the revulsion at drinking peppermit Schnapps got to be stronger than my anxiety and I put it back. Then, I checked the closets, the lock on the door and the windows. And went to bed.
There. The actual whole truth. It just changes everything now doesn’t it?
Hmm… I have to say the first version rolled off the tongue a little better.
I think the bourbon and sedatives version carried much more weight, bah to the truth. Those cops weren’t actually pooping in and out of every floor but noone seems to be complaining about that.
Hi Heather,
This is probably this least considerate comment you will get on this post, but I have to ask! Your apartment is in an awesome location (86th at First Ave). Can you please tell a Midwestern boy with dreams of moving to the big city how much you pay in rent?
I am also glad that you are OK, obviously.
Thank you, Harry from Illinois
Fish, will you please write another blog so we can move on from the bourbon vs. no bourbon debate? Obviously, some people need to be hateful and waste energy by venting it on you and your blog.
I hope you are feeling better today, you must be completely freaked out…and no one should blame you for feeling that way. Get some new liquor for tonight and keep the lights on till you feel better.
And Harry…you’re right. You are inconsiderate. Call a real estate agent.
Hey Uh-oh,
Something DID happen to Fish, she heard a woman being murdered. Its not nearly as awful as being murdered, but its still awful. And it still creates feelings of fear in Fish–she’s allowed to have those feelings! And none of this minimizes her feelings of sympathy to her former neighbor and her family.
The real question is why can’t you be sympathetic to both the murdered girl and Fish?
JC, Why would you be so mean to some kid who asked the simple question of how much she pays for rent? That is really low class of you.
He did not say anything mean to Fish. In fact, he said he was glad she was OK.
If you didn’t like the kid’s question, just ignore it. It says more about you that you had to be so mean and put him down. -Mac
I think everyone is trying really hard to be offended by something on this blog. Why can’t we just read Fish’s story or people’s comments and accept them for what they are?
Uh huh, Fish was telling the story from her perspective. It’s what she experienced and you can’t fault her for that.
JC, you are just as big of a jerk. Let Harry ask his questions. If Fish doesn’t want to answer it, she won’t. It is not YOUR concern.
Oy vey.
Being the Katherine that posted the comment at 4:19pm, let me just underscore that I’m NOT the Katherine that posted at 8:17pm claiming that Fish lied for sympathy.
I do not know if that is simply a coincindence or someone stooping super low. I will hope that it is the former.
Regardless, I think Teresa hit on something when she commented that some people seem to be trying hard to find something to take offense from.
Hopefully, people can find something much more constructive to channel all that energy towards such as victims’ assistance programs, etc.
funny how the truth is actually waaaaaay more interesting
you guys are all so funny…creating BS to argue about when nothing any of you say is remotely relevant. At least the comments are more interesting than the blog though.
Hi there-
I was talking to a coworker about what happened in our building (I live there too) and they told me about your blog. I feel the same way, and have also been jumping at every sound. I just wanted to say that even though we don’t always know our neighbors by name, I think all of us are looking out for each other and keeping our eyes and ears open. And if you want to sleep one night on someone else’s couch, I say go for it. It means nothing other than your wanting a little company during a scary time. Hopefully it’ll settle down sometime soon.